The Politics of Television

Bad news for civics geeks…like myself. Today the SCOTUS ruled that corporations can put as much money as they want into the election of a federal candidate. Aye caramba! It all dates back to 1886 when the SCOTUS ruled that corporations have all the rights and privileges as real people. WTF? I thought Supreme Court Justices were supposed to be smart. Guess not.

But you’re probably asking your monitor, “WTF do I care if corporations can spend butt-loads of money on political campaigns?” Good question. And if you asked it, you’d better sit down for the answer. You see…corporations have lots and Lots and LOTS of money. For someone to get elected, they need lots and Lots and LOTS of money. So now, corporations can pick their favorite candidate and spend the other candidate into submission. You think WalMart is gonna support a candidate that is pro-union? Nope. You think Shell Oil is gonna stand idly by while a tree-hugging, Green Party, liberal gets elected to the Senate? Nope.

Now, I’ve got to do a full disclaimer here: Every time you watch a political commercial, we here at PTB make ONE MILLION DOLLARS. That said, the new ruling is gonna be a boon to the television industry. YAY! But how much is it gonna help political discourse in America? Actually, it’s gonna kill it. Remember how the Swiftboaters made Vietnam vet John Kerry into a traitorous coward while they made George W. Bush into a hero? Americans didn’t even bother to check the facts. They just believed what television told ‘em to believe. That’s how dumb of a nation we are. That’s the road we’re gonna go down later this year and every election after. Aye caramba!

Well…now that I think about it, there might just be a silver lining in all this. In a few years, politicians are gonna have so many sponsorships, they’re gonna have logos all over their suits, makin’ ‘em look like NASCAR drivers. At least we’ll know who paid ‘em off. True dat.

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Why We Fight?

I thought I’d seen it all. Guess I was wrong. In a story today, buzzin’ ‘round Cyberia, it seems telescopic sights used by the U.S. Military…OUR U.S. military…are stamped with…get this…references to Bible verses. Aye caramba! A question to all my Christian brothers and sisters out there: What do you think JZeus would say about that? I’m guessin’ He’d be pretty pissed off. But what would I know?

A new study out says that the Silver State ranks dead last in the US in K-12 education. WTF is up with that? One of the categories “draggin’ down” our ranking…”students’ potential for success.” So, all y’all out there who graduated from or are gonna graduate from a Nevada high school…y’all better start practicing your speaking voice. There’s a gig waiting for ya at a drive-thru near you.

And finally…all weekend there were commercials running encouraging Americans to donate to the Haiti Relief Fund set up by the Red Cross. All you had to do was text a number and they’d add ten bucks to your phone bill. Pretty easy, neh? But what piqued my interest was the disclaimer” “calling and text charges will apply.” Gee thanks Verizon and Sprint and AT&T. An earthquake fusticates Haiti and y’all are turnin’ a profit on it. Nice.

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Pat That Ass

Poor fuckin’ Haiti. SHEESH. Talk about gettin’ kicked when you’re down. YOW! A couple of things are bothering me about this situation…

Did you know that when you make a Haiti relief donation with your credit card that American Express, Visa and Master card are gonna take three percent right off the top as a “transaction fee?” Aye caramba! A computer makes the money transfer automatically and these ass-wipes charge three percent. They’re gonna make millions off of this natural disaster. Those bourgie rat-bastard moneychangers have a special place in Hell waiting for ‘em. True dat.

Speaking of special places in Hell….Pat Robertson is in the news again. Now y’all might be sayin’ to yourselves, “Pat Robertson isn’t takin’ a dirt nap yet?” Nope. Robertson, yappin’ on his T.V. show, said that Haiti got popped by God because they’d made a deal with the Devil. WTF is up with that?

Question #1: Let’s say Pat Robertson is right (HAW!)…If Haiti made a deal with the Devil, why didn’t Beelzebub hold up His end of the bargain? If Robertson is right (another HAW!) how come the Invisible Man in the Sky didn’t pull a Sodom and Gomorah on ‘em?

And question #2: If Robertson is wrong (yeah…IF)…why aren’t all the REAL Christians in the world calling for his head on a platter? Robertson seems to open his lie-hole every time something bad happens and the only thing that comes out is hateful, bullshit. Hey Christians…your leader is flappin’ his yap again and makin’ y’all look like racist, xenophobic, hate-mongers. Problem is…y’all (or most of y’all, anyway) ARE hate-filled, petty and racist. You’re all just too blind to see it. Now you can imagine why Christians were burned at the stake and fed to the lions…y’all deserve it. Well, at least Pat Robertson does. Jzeus mush be spinning in His grave.

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Smooshed

So…Haiti got flattened like a pancake. YIKES! Question: Why is the Invisible Man in the Sky always pissin’ on poverty-stricken brown-skinnded brothers? Early estimates are between a hundred grand and a quarter million people D.O.A. If any of y’all have a deity, now’d be the time to give Him or Her a call.

So…Brit Hume thinks Tiger Woods needs more JZeus in his life. Hume says Christianity is the best religion in the world to get forgiveness for a wandering doodle. Must be. Just ask John “Able Semen” Ensign. The Britster has been taking flak for his comments and Bill O’Reilley has come to the rescue. I a column the other day, B.O. said that Hume has every right to “espouse what he believes.” True dat. But just as Brit Hume has the right to blather on about his religious beliefs, we have a right to point out what a douchebag he is.

And lastly…it seems China is pimpin’ kid’s jewelry that is made out of cadmium. You know cadmium…that’s the fucked up stuff that causes cancer. Seems China has been making the stuff and exporting it to us. Question: Why do we still buy this kind of crap from China? Oh yeah…so WalMart can keep their prices low. Thanks a fucking lot China.

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