Balls Beer

Sex and the Shitty

So…the story says that Tiger Woods is checkin’ himself into a Betty Ford Clinic for sex addicts. Aye caramba! Question to El Tigre and the X-Files motherhubbard. If y’all were REALLY sex addicts, HTF come you weren’t having sex with Elin Nordegen or Tia Leoni? You know…your WIVES? No, people like you aren’t sex addicts. Yer a couple of narcissistic, bourgie-rich, pampered assholes who think women…all women…owe you something. Just goes to show you…if there’s enough money involved, women will sleep with anyone. True dat.

I LOVE me this story. The headline reads, in part: "Pope John Paul II Flagellated Himself Regularly." HAW! Ummm…isn’t that a sin in Catholicism? Wouldn’t he start growin’ hair on his palms for doin’ it? If that wasn’t the funniest headline of the year, I dunno what was.

And finally…seems the City of Reno is short a MILLION DOLLARS that’s due to the Reno Aces Baseball folks. The City Council gave SK Baseball all these sweet deals thinking they’d make their payment with tax monies not yet collected. When the economy took a dump (Thanks George W. Bush) the expected tax monies never materialized...still aren't First things first…making deals for future payment with money you might not get is asinine. WTF is our City Council using this shitty method? Secondly…if the City Council continues to screw the pooch on things like OWING MILLIONS of dollars, HTF did they get elected and re-elected in the first place? When they run they tell us they want to serve the public. When they get into office, they only serve themselves. True dat.

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USo'A, Inc.

Corporations are people and citizens with all the rights of all Citizens of the United States of America, Inc.? Aye caramba! Corporations may be considered people by the SCOTUS but they don’t have feelings, they cannot show remorse and they do not die. Does that sound like a “person” to you? I wonder...do you think gay corporations can get gay married? Can a corporation get tossed in Gitmo for bein' an enemy combatant?

Looks like OBL is taking credit for the Fruit of the Boom bomber. Yo-‘Sama…did you know this chucklenut couldn’t even blow up his own Underoos? And you’re takin’ credit for it? Damn dude, you’re really reaching for the bottom of the barrel. Problem is…wussified Americans are gonna give up more of their freedoms now, for the illusion of safety. So, I guess OBL is gonna win again.

And finally…looks like the US Olympic Committee is thinkin’ ‘bout putin’ the 2022 Winter Olympic Games here in the 775. Bad. Idea. Look guys…the NV is so broke, we’re cutting teachers and firemen and state workers and we’ve got a hole in the budget bigger than the one in Governor Gibbons’ cranium. Advocates of bringin’ the games here say that it’ll be a boon for the economy and we’ll get to upgrade all the ski resorts in the area. Hmmm…did anyone bother to ask Salt Lake City what they’re doing with their ski-jumps? Nothing. Do you think Lillehammer, Norway gets a lot of use out of their bobsled courses? Nope. And when all the Olympic tourists leave what’ll be the benefit then? Bupkis.

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The Politics of Television

Bad news for civics geeks…like myself. Today the SCOTUS ruled that corporations can put as much money as they want into the election of a federal candidate. Aye caramba! It all dates back to 1886 when the SCOTUS ruled that corporations have all the rights and privileges as real people. WTF? I thought Supreme Court Justices were supposed to be smart. Guess not.

But you’re probably asking your monitor, “WTF do I care if corporations can spend butt-loads of money on political campaigns?” Good question. And if you asked it, you’d better sit down for the answer. You see…corporations have lots and Lots and LOTS of money. For someone to get elected, they need lots and Lots and LOTS of money. So now, corporations can pick their favorite candidate and spend the other candidate into submission. You think WalMart is gonna support a candidate that is pro-union? Nope. You think Shell Oil is gonna stand idly by while a tree-hugging, Green Party, liberal gets elected to the Senate? Nope.

Now, I’ve got to do a full disclaimer here: Every time you watch a political commercial, we here at PTB make ONE MILLION DOLLARS. That said, the new ruling is gonna be a boon to the television industry. YAY! But how much is it gonna help political discourse in America? Actually, it’s gonna kill it. Remember how the Swiftboaters made Vietnam vet John Kerry into a traitorous coward while they made George W. Bush into a hero? Americans didn’t even bother to check the facts. They just believed what television told ‘em to believe. That’s how dumb of a nation we are. That’s the road we’re gonna go down later this year and every election after. Aye caramba!

Well…now that I think about it, there might just be a silver lining in all this. In a few years, politicians are gonna have so many sponsorships, they’re gonna have logos all over their suits, makin’ ‘em look like NASCAR drivers. At least we’ll know who paid ‘em off. True dat.

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Why We Fight?

I thought I’d seen it all. Guess I was wrong. In a story today, buzzin’ ‘round Cyberia, it seems telescopic sights used by the U.S. Military…OUR U.S. military…are stamped with…get this…references to Bible verses. Aye caramba! A question to all my Christian brothers and sisters out there: What do you think JZeus would say about that? I’m guessin’ He’d be pretty pissed off. But what would I know?

A new study out says that the Silver State ranks dead last in the US in K-12 education. WTF is up with that? One of the categories “draggin’ down” our ranking…”students’ potential for success.” So, all y’all out there who graduated from or are gonna graduate from a Nevada high school…y’all better start practicing your speaking voice. There’s a gig waiting for ya at a drive-thru near you.

And finally…all weekend there were commercials running encouraging Americans to donate to the Haiti Relief Fund set up by the Red Cross. All you had to do was text a number and they’d add ten bucks to your phone bill. Pretty easy, neh? But what piqued my interest was the disclaimer” “calling and text charges will apply.” Gee thanks Verizon and Sprint and AT&T. An earthquake fusticates Haiti and y’all are turnin’ a profit on it. Nice.

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