Baby Get Back

It’s a story that is pretty creepy once you really think about it. Ten Baptists were busted in Haiti over the weekend when they were caught trying to smuggle kids out of the country. The Baptists say they were “only trying to rescue abandoned children from the disaster zone.” Haitian police think differently. The Baptists had no paperwork and no permission to transport the kids out of the earthquake-ravaged country. Isn’t it funny how the more “Christian” you purport to be, the less Christian you act? I’m talkin’ to you Senator John “Pants on the Floor” Ensign. SHEESH! One thing I’ve gotta say…no matter how fucked up it is to be in Haiti right now…it’s still better than bein’ a Baptist. True dat.

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WTgiF

So…the story says Liz Edwards is kickin’ ole Johnny boy to the curb. Thanks Captain Obvious. She shoulda done it a long time ago....or, at least, pulled a Lorena Bobbitt on his dumb ass. Do ya think the soon-to-be ex-Mrs Edwards would be interested in rebound sex? Gotta look her up on Facebook. Yup.

Another story in the news today says that only one penny of every dollar given for Haitian earthquake relief is given to the Haitian government. Good. Those rat-bastards woulda just spent it on themselves. Always have. That’s why Haiti is in the messed up situation it’s in right now (earthquake notwithstanding). But here’s my question: Out of that dollar…thirty three cents goes to the US military. WTF? Don’t we already pay for GI Joe? Fuckin’-A…thirty-three cents goes to our own military and nine cents goes to feed starving Haitians. SNAFU.

The ACORN pimp got busted earlier in the week for tryin’ to Watergate Senator Mary Landrieu’s office. His lawyer says that it was just a prank and he’s just a kid. How come when a right-wing nutcase does something wrong, it’s a “prank” and when some lefty does something wrong it’s a symptom of Obama’s Socialist Regime. Aye caramba!

And finally…today is National Puzzle Day. HUZZAH! So I’m gonna try to solve this puzzle. Yesterday on Faux News, Rudy-In-The-Booty said that the ‘Bamer was a pussy ‘cause he didn’t use the word “war” in the SOTU addy. Problem is, Barry-O used the word “war” at least eight times by my count. The puzzle? WTF is Rudy Guliliani still doin’ on TV and why does Faux News let him spout crap outta his lie-hole? One can only guess.

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Talk is Cheap

I won’t go into too much detail on last night’s presidential address. My head is still pounding from slammin' all those shots. Who’d have thunk the over/under on “stink-eyes thrown by Nancy Pelosi" would go so far over. Now every time I see the Speaker of the House, I know I’m gonna belch stale beer, Doritos and Jose Cuervo. YIKES!

So…the remnants of last night’s SOTU speech are still passed out on the basement floor, surrounded by empty Keystone cans, Tequila bottles and shot glasses. Aye caramba! To the boys and girls in this hood, the SOTU addy is better than the Super Bowl. That’s how we roll here in the 775. A couple of quick thoughts on Barry-O’s offering…

Three minutes into the speech…THREE FRIGGIN’ MINUTES into it, the cameras cut to Nevada Senator Harry Reid. And the chucklenut was YAWNING! SHEESH! Yo Harry…if your career in the Senate wasn’t over before last night…it is now. Worst. Move. Ever.

Nuthin’ funnier than seein’ the ‘Bamer waggin’ his finger at the SCOTUS, Inc. Justices and scolding them like they were naughty schoolgirls. They were squirmin’ in their seats like they were bein’ forced to watch an episode of “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire.” True dat. Come to think of it…Ruth “Darth” Bader-Ginsburg is my new secret fantasy schoolgirl crush. So sue me.

And finally…say what you will about BHO’s TelePrompter abilities, say what you will about his rhetorical flair and his smooth, dulcet tones…but if last night’s speech doesn’t kick start the legislative process in the House and the Senate, we’re all gonna be doomed. Republicans with thir smart-assed reactions, tryin’ to look interested, acting like a bunch of frat boys in Economics class. Hey John Boenher…y’all are either with us or against us. What’ll it be? My guess is the latter. DOOMED I TELLS YA!

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Balls Beer

Sex and the Shitty

So…the story says that Tiger Woods is checkin’ himself into a Betty Ford Clinic for sex addicts. Aye caramba! Question to El Tigre and the X-Files motherhubbard. If y’all were REALLY sex addicts, HTF come you weren’t having sex with Elin Nordegen or Tia Leoni? You know…your WIVES? No, people like you aren’t sex addicts. Yer a couple of narcissistic, bourgie-rich, pampered assholes who think women…all women…owe you something. Just goes to show you…if there’s enough money involved, women will sleep with anyone. True dat.

I LOVE me this story. The headline reads, in part: "Pope John Paul II Flagellated Himself Regularly." HAW! Ummm…isn’t that a sin in Catholicism? Wouldn’t he start growin’ hair on his palms for doin’ it? If that wasn’t the funniest headline of the year, I dunno what was.

And finally…seems the City of Reno is short a MILLION DOLLARS that’s due to the Reno Aces Baseball folks. The City Council gave SK Baseball all these sweet deals thinking they’d make their payment with tax monies not yet collected. When the economy took a dump (Thanks George W. Bush) the expected tax monies never materialized...still aren't First things first…making deals for future payment with money you might not get is asinine. WTF is our City Council using this shitty method? Secondly…if the City Council continues to screw the pooch on things like OWING MILLIONS of dollars, HTF did they get elected and re-elected in the first place? When they run they tell us they want to serve the public. When they get into office, they only serve themselves. True dat.

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USo'A, Inc.

Corporations are people and citizens with all the rights of all Citizens of the United States of America, Inc.? Aye caramba! Corporations may be considered people by the SCOTUS but they don’t have feelings, they cannot show remorse and they do not die. Does that sound like a “person” to you? I wonder...do you think gay corporations can get gay married? Can a corporation get tossed in Gitmo for bein' an enemy combatant?

Looks like OBL is taking credit for the Fruit of the Boom bomber. Yo-‘Sama…did you know this chucklenut couldn’t even blow up his own Underoos? And you’re takin’ credit for it? Damn dude, you’re really reaching for the bottom of the barrel. Problem is…wussified Americans are gonna give up more of their freedoms now, for the illusion of safety. So, I guess OBL is gonna win again.

And finally…looks like the US Olympic Committee is thinkin’ ‘bout putin’ the 2022 Winter Olympic Games here in the 775. Bad. Idea. Look guys…the NV is so broke, we’re cutting teachers and firemen and state workers and we’ve got a hole in the budget bigger than the one in Governor Gibbons’ cranium. Advocates of bringin’ the games here say that it’ll be a boon for the economy and we’ll get to upgrade all the ski resorts in the area. Hmmm…did anyone bother to ask Salt Lake City what they’re doing with their ski-jumps? Nothing. Do you think Lillehammer, Norway gets a lot of use out of their bobsled courses? Nope. And when all the Olympic tourists leave what’ll be the benefit then? Bupkis.

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