Money Talks. Who Listens?

Just before Bernie Madoff (with your money) got perp-walked out of the courtroom today, he said he was ashamed and sorry for his actions. Well, cheese-dick, sorry won’t bring back thousands of people’s life savings but it may keep you warm at night there in the Gray Bar Motel. If that doesn’t do the trick, you can always snuggle with your new cellmate Rocco.



Speaking of money…Governor Jim Gibbons has officially gone BSC. Today he sent a letter to the ‘Bamer saying he won’t accept all the stimulus money the Feds are giving the state of Nevada. Thanks Guv. Here in the 775, they’re cutting programs like an army barber cutting recruits’ hair. No matter what his reasoning might be, we need that money. By refusing to take all the funds, you’re showing your true colors Gib. You’re more interested in Republican, right wing nut job ideologies than you are in helping the residents of Nevada. Simply put…
Worst. Governor. Ever.



One last thing today ‘bout money. Last night the Reno City Council voted 4-1 to loan SK Baseball between $1million and $2.5 million a year - for 20 years. SK Baseball wants to build an “entertainment district” next to their new stadium. Question: WTF is gonna happen when no one shows up for baseball games or other “entertainments”? The city is already broke and now they’re loaning money to developers? AYE CARAMBA! We keep pouring taxpayer money into this eye-popping load of crapulence and chances are, we’re not gonna get squat out of it. Especially since the new retail spaces are gonna feature a Hollywood Video, a Sharper Image, a Linens-N-Things and Circuit City. Thank JZeus for Jessica Sferrazza. She’s the only one on the council with half a brain pan. The rest of those bobbleheads need to be tossed out before they do any more damage.




(8.-)

We Don't Need No Ed-U-Ma-Ca-Shun

All across the 775 the government-cheese is slashing education ‘cause of budget shortfalls. Isn’t it funny that one of the first things those bobbleheads cut out of the budget is education? That got us to wondering…why?



Dumb kids = dumb adults #1. If you keep the population in perpetual stupidity, they aren’t likely to figure out they’re getting’ hosed by politicians. Remember, politicians are the ones promising that they love Nevada and want to help her citizens. Then they go off and eliminate funding for schools. Keep that in mind next time you’re in a voting booth. That is, if you’re smart enough to remember when to vote.



Dumb kids = dumb adults #2. Dumb adults do dumb things. They rob convenience stores, they cook up batches of meth in the garage and/or solicit gay sex in airport bathrooms. Dumb adults means we’ll always need more and more money for more and more cops.



Here’s the crux of today’s biscuit…if children really are the future, we’re screwed. We spend billions and billions and billions of dollars blowin’ up brown-skinded brothers in far away lands but we say we don’t have enough money to educate our kids. The youth of America lag behind every industrialized nation in things like science and math and reading…you know, the important stuff. WTF do you think they’re gonna be like when they’re all growed up? They’re gonna be fat, and lazy, and disinterested, and bolivious to the shit-storm swirling all around. And do you know who they have to blame? Nobody but you.



(8.-)

Crossing Guards

One of the true joys we get here at PTB is poking fun at Utah…our neighbors to the east. No matter what the joke, if you use the Beehive State as the punchline, you’ll get a laugh every time. Check it:



When a UHP officer takes a dirt nap, the Utah Highway Patrol Association puts up a cross to mark the spot. The cross is adorned with the highway patrol's logo and a small plaque with a photo and short biography of the fallen trooper, as well as the trooper's name, rank, badge number and year of death. So WTF is the problem?



A bunch of Godless Atheists from Texas got together and sued the state of Utah saying crosses are religious symbols. Utahans disagree. A joint resolution by the Utah Legislature in 2006 declared the cross a nonreligious, secular symbol of death. Now, y’all don’t need lawyers or judges to decide this one, just a bit of common sense.



First of all, if a dead UHP officer was Jewish or Muslim would the state of Utah erect a Star of David or a Holy Crescent? No? Strike one.



Secondly, is the cross a secular symbol of death? Nope. The cross symbolizes JZeus and Christianity. The secular symbol of death? Skull and Crossbones. Believe it. Strike two.



And lastly, try this experiment. Roll on up to the Utah Statehouse with your cross and start rubbing your butt on it. Even better…pull a Regan MacNeil with it. AYE CARAMBA! Wanna know what’d happen? You’d be in jail faster than A-Fraud can fake a hip injury. Strike three. Yer out!



The State of Utah might say that crosses are secular. Too bad they don’t practice what they preach.



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Dolls and Sense

Well, Barbie turned fifty years old today. Funny, she doesn’t look a day over nineteen. Here at PTB we have a special place in our hard…ummm…HEART for Barbie. After all, she was the only girlfriend we had ‘til we went off to college….but that’s a crux of a different biscuit.





You’d think an iconic doll like Barbie would cause little commotion in the sleepy world of toys. You’d think, but you’d be wrong. Turns out, this year’s edition of our petite, plastic, paramour has everyone’s Underoos in a bunch. Why? ‘Cause Barbie comes with TATS! That’s right…little girls and boys from all over the world can tramp stamp their dolls to look like the real thing.



That got us to thinkin’ ‘bout other editions of Barbie you could release that’d cheese off the “holier-than-thous.”



There could be the Maury Povich Barbie where the doll would come on the MoPoShow and have seven guys DNA tested to see who the baby-daddy is.



There could be the Bernie Madoff Barbie who takes all your money then disappears along with her Malibu Barbie yacht and mansion set.



You could have an Alex Rodriguez Barbie who admits to getting breast implants years ago but swears she hasn’t had any other plastic surgery since then. In the meantime, you’d have to send her back to the factory to fix her messed up hip – a byproduct of having such humongous bazongas.



Lastly, if you wanted to, you could get a Rush Limbaugh Barbie. She’d be strung out on OxyContin and Cialis and when you pulled her string she’d start whining and complaining about commies, and socialists, and liberals, and gays, and Ted Kennedy’s jowls.



There you have it…HAPPY BIRTHDAY Barbie. We’re gonna get back into the closet and dig up our old favorite Barbie. Like Nikky Boone said in Remember the Titans, “I’m not playing with dolls. I’m accessorizing.”


(8.-)

The Schoolhouse Rock Bush and Cheney Never Saw

Damn...we've had this ear worm for the last couple of days. It'll be good to get it out of our system. It's gonna be a GREAT weekend though! Remember, "Spring Forward" Sunday at 2am. It's the (only) best thing George W. Bush did as pResident. Thanks chimp-dick...at least you did SOMETHING right!!!


(8.-)

Socialistically Inept

Strange, the right-wing nut jobs don't want federal money when it comes to helping the unemployed, the homeless or the elderly ('cause that'd be socialism) but they have no problem whatsoever sucking off the federal teat for things like bank bailouts and the military-industrial complex.





So, the question we have is: If spending government money on those less fortunate than us is “socialism,” WTF is spending government money on blowin’ the crap outta people? Oh yeah…it’s called “spreading democracy through capitalism.” We sure have some fucked up priorities here in the USo'A. No wonder JZeus is spinning in His grave.




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Ground Control to Major Tom

Seeing this...in real time...BOOM goes the dynamite! We offer up a couple o' haikus in rememberance...


Bye bye duck, duck, goose
You float like a butterfly
We land like a bee


Up up and away
We're leaving on a jet plane
Then we riverdance



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Adding it Up

Today is one of those days that math geeks, goobers, dorks and (some) bloggers look forward to immensely…Square Root Day! YEE HAW! It only happens nine times a century. Celebrations are off the chain: Some folks cut root vegetables into squares, others make food in the shape of a square root symbol. Damn, the geeks sure know how to par-tay! Either way, SRD is way better than Circumference Day…that’s when we all walk around in circles for 24 hours straight. YIKES!



There’s a University in Liverpool, England offering a degree in…wait for it…wait for it….The Beatles! WTF is up with that? Whadda they call it? Obla Di Obla Doctorate? What’s next? Is the University of Alabama gonna offer a Master’s Degree in Lynyrd Skynyrd and call it “Workin’ for MBA”? Damn…and we thought the University of Nevada system was screwed up.



Finally, speaking of music…we’ve always been fans of Schoolhouse Rock. Hell, that’s how we learned what a verb is, the preamble to the Constitution and how naughty number nine can be. Well, they’ve come out with Schoolhouse Rock for the new millennium. It’s called “Sound Science” and it combines rap music with lessons in the various sciences. We here at PTB think that’s a great idea and we’ve gotta give big props to the brown-skinded brothers who have to write the lyrics. Can you imagine ANYTHING harder than rhyming with the periodic table, dinosaurs or geologic time scales? Neither can we.



(8.-)

Baseball's Been Barry Barry Good to Him

Today was supposed to be the start of the “Trial of the Century.” Yeah, we know…less than nine years in and we’re already calling it the “Trial of the Century” but whadda ya gonna do? ANYWAY…Barry Bonds and his behemoth punkin' head were supposed to appear in court today to answer charges he lied, under oath, about juicin’. Last week the government-cheese decided they couldn’t go forward with the case ‘cause their “evidence” against Bonds was tossed by the judge. Which brings us to the crux of today’s biscuit…



The feds have been on Bonds’ ass for more than three years. They’ve had all that time to get their shit together and prosecute the case. Now they want more time. WTF is up with that? The douchebags at the Justice Department have wasted enough energy and resources on this witch hunt. There are 104 names in the Mitchell Report and the only ballplayer they’re goin’ after is Bonds. They’re keeping this thing goin’ longer than Cal Ripkin’s consecutive game streak. While we’re not Barry Bonds fans here at PTB, we’re on his side on this one. Yo, Justice Department…either present your evidence and proceed with your case or STFU and gets ta steppin’. Here in the USo’A, the Constitution promises us a fair and SPEEDY trial. Taking almost a half a decade to prosecute ONE ‘roidin’ ballplayer, is plain BSC.



(8.-)

Equal Opportunity Offender

Rude

Offensive

Vile

Tasteless

Crude

Despicable

Tawdry

Sophomoric

Disrespectful

Derogatory



While y’all might not like what the aforementioned words stand for, there’s no doubt…here in the USo’A, the Constitution bestows upon us the inalienable right to be as offensive as we want to be. Don’t like it? Don’t read it. Don’t watch it. Don’t listen to it. Or better yet, move to Saudi Arabia where they execute people for that kind of stuff.


Last week some douchebag from a newspaper in the NYC published a cartoon similar to the one at the top of this posting. Holy cow! The outrage spewed out myriad pie holes faster than Ussein Bolt covering 100 meters. People wanted heads to roll, they wanted revenge, they wanted blood. Sorry guys. While we think the cartoon was a bit much…we disagree with pulling it or making the artist issue an apology. Why?


It’s simple…as soon we start censoring things that offend a certain segment of the population, where would it end?

Remember when Blacks and Whites getting married offended everyone below the Mason-Dixon line?

Remember when Elvis and the Beatles offended everyone over 30?

Remember when South Park did shows on Scientology, the LDS Church and JZeus all the while offending anyone with the faith of a mustard seed?



The crux of today’s biscuit is simple…Sticks and stones may break your bones but words, music, movies, video games, comics and cartoons will NEVER hurt you. Like Xander Cage said in XXX, “Come on, Dick... It's only education we got.”



(8.-)

R.I.P. GOP

Damn, that was one rockin’ speech last night. Problem is, just like every other SotU Addy, we had to go and play a drinking game during the speech. Last night was a Tequila shot every time the Republicans stood up to cheer and a beer chaser every time the Democrats stood up to cheer. Aye Caramba! It’s gonna take a couple of days for that game to wear off. So, surrounded by empty Cuervo bottles and myriad crushed beer cans…a couple of quick thoughts on the ‘Bamer’s first-ever SotU Addy…




Ruth Bader Ginsburg is our new hero. Last night as BOb was making his way to the podium, he stopped and chatted with the SCOTUS Justice. WTF is so special ‘bout that? Less than a month after having friggin’ cancer surgery, Babe Ruth was back at work and in attendance at this historic event. Given that after 9/11, George “Nookuler” Bush spent one out of every three days on vacation (keeping the country safe we assume) it’s nice to see a public figure be so hardcore. How hardcore you ask? RGB hasn’t missed a day in court since her surgery…her FRIGGIN' PANCREATIC CANCER FRIGGIN’ SURGERY!!! Ruth Bader Ginsburg – she is one bad-assed motherhubbard.




Here at PTB we’re not much into style. When you live in and blog from the ‘rents’ basement, there’s really no need. But WTF was up with Nancy Pelosi’s dress last night? SHEESH! Did you see that hideous green monstrosity? The friggin’ thing looked like it was made out of the drapes from a 1970’s strip club. Seriously, that color of green is only found on the bathroom floor of a fraternity, floating on the top of a fetid pond or in the Depends of an incontinent old rat-bastard. Simply. Putrid.




One of the high points of the speech was when Barry-O said that the economic crisis is an opportunity for America. You know, in China the word for crisis is the same as the word for opportunity…Crisitunity.




And finally, there was Bobby Jindal. The Reflublicans trotted out the Louisiana Governor ‘cause he’s relatively young and untainted by anything the Bush-Wipes did. It also helped that he’s a brown-skinded brotherhubbard. Problem is…he sucked! Governor LaLa can’t read a TelePrompter for shit, his inflection was non-existent and his pacing was atrocious. Combine all that with the same tired, old, boogity-boogity, right wing, nut job rhetoric and you’ve got comedy of the highest order Now the Tighty-Righties still have Rummy, and Scooter, and Karl Rove and Dr. Evil but it’s gonna take one big-assed shovel to get the shit to shoe-level…here’s hoping they won’t need a TelePrompter. Or better yet, they could always enlist the help of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. That woman has Huevos Rancheros!



(8.-)

Nuggets From the Mind Shaft

The war of words between University Chancellor Jim Rogers and Governor Jim Gibbons is starting to resemble something out of the “WWE.” Now, we’ve never been ones to run away from a public cat fight but, c’mon guys. There’s real work to be done and y’all are acting like a couple of schoolgirls. Tell you what…if you two wanna fight, meet us downtown during halftime of a Bighorns game. We’ll rope y’all off some space and you can beat each other to smithereens. Winner gets his way, loser gets to steppin’. Either that, or STFU and get to work. Babies.




Speaking of fights…last week a couple of Spanish Springs high school students got into some fisticuffs. Gay rights advocates are calling it a hate crime while the Washoe County Sheriff says it wasn’t. That got us to thinkin’…when has a fist fight ever NOT been a hate crime? Just wondering.




The fighting has stopped, for now, in Gaza. Israel sure blew the shit out of that place. So when we read the story ‘bout U.S. aid to Gaza the bile started to rise. According to a report, the USo’A is gonna pay….wait for it…wait for it…$900 MILLION for Gaza reconstruction. WTF is up with that? Hey guys…Israel did the band damage in Gaza…not America. How the fuck come we’ve gotta pay for reconstruction? Israel broke it, Israel should have to pay for it. $900 million could go a long way back here in the states.




And finally, last week we told you about the City of Sparks spending gobs of scratch tryin’ to “re-brand” their identity. When residents heard about it they went BSC. No surprise there. But the story gets better…A city spokesman said the branding, development and marketing action plan is only a DRAFT plan. He said none of the 28 recommendations has been implemented and at a later date, the city council may take action on some, all, or none of them. AYE CARAMBA!!! You mean to say that, after spending all that dough, Sparks officials might not even use the new slogan? What kind of reaction did they think residents were gonna have when they heard the news? No matter folks…PTB to the rescue. Y’all wanna new slogan for your town? How ‘bout: "Sparks, Home of Douchebag Politicians.” Yup…we like that one. It fits.




(8.-)

Pulled Over and Out

The most important document ever written is also what makes the USo’A the greatest nation on earth. Of course, we’re talkin’ ‘bout the Constitution. That said, you’d think the douchebags in Carson City would have paid attention in Constitutional law class…or at the very least, ninth grade history class. You’d think, but you’d be wrong.



Late last week a Senate committee voted for a bill that allows the GestaPoPo to stop motorists if they “think” they’re not wearing seat belts. Did anyone else read that story and say, “WTF?” The Fourth Amendment in the above mentioned Constitution ensures citizens' right to "be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures.” This new bill seems to be contrary to that pesky Fourth Amendment. Here’s the crux of today’s biscuit…



It’s already against the law here in the Silver State to be DWB. Hell, cops can even bust you for drifting over the fog line. But to give the GestaPoPo the right to pull over a motorist ‘cause the officer thinks...maybe...possibly...he's pretty sure there might have been a violation is friggin’ crazy!



Supporters of the bill spout the usual gibberish about how the law will save lives and lower insurance liability but that’s missing the point. When you give cops the go-ahead to bust people on a “hunch,” you give them free reign to go after whomever they want, whenever they want, regardless if a crime has been committed. Will law enforcement abuse those powers? It’s hard to tell but there’s always a few bad apples in the bunch and you can bet your bottom dollar those turds are gonna float to the top. When it comes between safety and civil rights…we pick the latter every time.



(8.-)

Fried Ay?

Say what you will about "Les Francais" but you can't deny their artistic abilities. "Vive Le France!"


(8.-)

The Sound of One Hand Clapping

When is a protest not a protest? If Tommie Smith and John Carlos made their protest in the locker room rather than on the medal stand, would it have been the same? If Dr. King gave his “I Have A Dream” speech in front of the bathroom mirror instead of on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, would it have been the same? No and no. Protests are meant to be seen and heard. But not if the Nevada legislature has anything to say about it.





This week, Nevada’s political bobbleheads are considering a bill designed to prevent protestors from disrupting funerals and memorial services. That’s ‘cause folks like the BSC motherhubbards from the Westboro Baptist Church raise a ruckus outside military funerals shouting things like “God loves dead soldiers!” Tasteless as that may be, guess what? Here in the USo’A we’ve got a little thing called the First Amendment. Putting restrictions on protests is a violation of Americans’ rights to freedom of speech and freedom of assembly.



Now, we don’t believe in what the WBC stands for...after all, they’ve got “church” in their name. But here’s the crux of our biscuit…when politicians start preventing “funeral” and “memorial” protests, where will it stop? War protesters? Union picketers? American Idol fans? Political douchebags have no idea what this country stands for. Here in America, we let people speak their minds no matter how ugly the message is. Are you listening fat boy? Knowing people like the WBC, the KKK and other hate groups can spout their rhetoric whenever they want warms our collective heart. Why? ‘Cause when you’re up close and personal with a pile of horseshit, it makes you much more appreciative of the smell of flowers. Smarter brotherhubbards than us have said it before…we don’t agree with what they say but we’ll defend to the death their right to say it.


(8.-)

Branded

We just found out the City of Sparks gave more than a hundred G’s to a Seattle company to create a “brand identity” for the city. Our question to the powers-that-be in the Rail City: WTF? They don’t have marketing consultants here in the 775? Typical lack of respect for local talent by political douchebags who just don’t get it. Anyway…we did a little research and found a couple of slogans that didn't make the cut:



Sparks. Come for the railroad, stay for the hobos.


Sparks. It could be worse.


Sparks. Like it or lump it.


Sparks. Not just for meth labs anymore.


Sparks. Harassing minorities since 1904.


Sparks. We have to love it. We live here.


Sparks. No Shirt, No Shoes, No Gays!


Sparks. If you’ve been here, you know.


Sparks. Live it. Love it. Now get the hell out!


Sparks. Don’t blame us, we voted for John McCain.





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Flipping the Switch

FULL DISCLOSURE: Every time you turn on your television set, we here at PTB make one MILLION dollars.



Well boys and girls…in about an hour KAME and KRXI along with hundreds of other T.V. stations across the country will stop broadcasting in analog. What does that mean to you? It means unless you’ve made the switch, you’re SOL. And if you haven’t made the switch…c’mon folks, get into the 21st century already! That said, in case you missed it last Sunday, enjoy the brand new HD open for the Simpsons. It might be the last T.V. you see for a while. No worries though. Some people consider television the “drug of the nation.” Maybe if more of us watched less of it, we wouldn’t be in the shit-storm we’re in. Idealistic? Yes. Realistic? No.


(8.-)

Monday Mourning

Fifty people die in a plane crash outside of Buffalo, NY and the story is in the headlines for more than a week. Forty people in Iraq get blown to smithereens and you don’t hear a word. Does that mean a life in Iraq is worth less than a life in the USo’A?






Speaking of war zones, Friday was the anniversary of the USSR’s withdrawal from Afghanistan. General Boris Gromov, the last Soviet general in charge of the war said, "Afghanistan taught us an invaluable lesson ... It has been and always will be impossible to solve political problems using force." Aye Caramba! Is anyone out there listening or are we in for a clusterfuck of unimaginable proportions? We pick the latter. We’ve said it since the beginning…Afghanistan is where empires go to die. Guess we’re next.

The Silver State is in line for a bil-and-a-half of stimulus dollars. Note to Skeevy Dean Heller…WTF is your problem buddy? You’re either for us or again’ us. Sadly it seems you’d rather play obstructionist than trying to help out your constituents. See you at the polls in two years soon-to-be ex-Congressman Heller!

The Washoe County School District is so poor it doesn’t have a pot to piss in. So why do they find it necessary to spend more than a half a mil to put video and audio surveillance on school busses? Here’s an idea…do what the airline industry did after 9/11 and put a highly-trained heavily-armed marshal on the bus. That’ll teach the little whippersnappers to behave!

And finally on this Presidents Day…A new survey, just released, lists the best American presidents ever. Topping the list (not surprisingly) was Lincoln, Washington, FDR and Teddy Roosevelt. What surprised us though, was that Chimp-Dick was ranked 36th out of 42. How the hell did he rate that high? In the several categories used, pResident Bush scored lowest in international relations (41st), and in economic management (40th). No surprise there. His highest ranking was in the category of pursuing equal justice for all (24th). This is why we hate surveys. GWB suspended habeas corpus, tossed hundreds of Muslims into Gitmo, approved waterboarding and other forms of torture and is personally responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of innocent Iraqi and Afghan civilians. Equal justice for all? The Bush-Wipe doesn’t have the faintest idea what that means.





(8.-)

Love and Basketball

Here at PTB we love us some NBA All-Star weekend. No other sport compares. MLB has juiced-up ‘roid-ragers hitting candy-assed fastballs into Bolivia. Weak. The NFL barely shows up to play the week after the Super Bowl. Lame. The NHL’s all-star game? Fuggeddaboudit. No, we’ll take the NBA with its slam dunk contest and the three point shoot-out over that other crap any day. And this weekend is gonna be even more special. For the first time in NBA all-star history, they’re gonna have a game of H-O-R-S-E. YEE HAW!!!




As you probably already knew, H-O-R-S-E was invented by the Greeks as a way to end the siege of Troy back during the Trojan War. The Greeks got the victory when Ajax the Lesser sank a half-court hook shot and the Trojans couldn’t respond. Too bad all wars couldn’t be decided by a game of H-O-R-S-E. Hell, if that were the case, America would regain her place as the greatest country in the world. How? Barry's got game. He’d take out a can of whoopass on Kim Jong Il, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or Fidel Castro. The 'Bamer is a flat-out baller. Besides, do you know how hard it is to shoot hoops dressed like a Taliban or al Qaeda? The friggin’ robes get in the way of everything. Besides, have you ever tried shooting a basketball while holding an AK-47? Not easy.




ANYWAY…we might not settle the world’s problems with a game of H-O-R-S-E (unless it's the 1977-1978 version)…but it sure beats the way we do things now. Hope y’all have a great weekend…we’ll be watchin’ hoops.




(8.-)

ThursDaydreaming

The story says Bernie Madoff’s wife withdrew fifteen million dollars from their account just days before he took a walk of shame for stealing billions of dollars from investors. Neither of the Madoffs are in jail as of this writing. As a matter-of-fact…Bernie is under house arrest. That means he spends his days languishing in his multi-million dollar penthouse in the NYC rather than sitting in a 4x4 cell with a roommate named T-Bone. We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again…a brown-skinded brother steals a loaf of bread to feed his family, he gets beaten and thrown in the hoosegow. But if whitey steals billions of dollars to feed his extravagant lifestyle, he gets house arrest. Sad but true.



Had JWB not popped a cap in the 16th President, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 200 years old today…the same age as Dick Clark. So, since Guy Rocha is retiring, we thought we’d share some little-known facts about the Man from Springfield…


“Honest Abe” got his nickname the first time he ran for office when he actually fessed-up to a reporter’s question about alleged indelicate dalliances with sheep.


Before Lincoln started sporting his full beard, he wore a Fu Manchu with a soul patch.


The first draft of the Gettysburg Address started with, “There once was a man from Nantucket.”


Lincoln was so poor growing up that his stovepipe hat was an actual real-life stovepipe.


Lincoln’s favorite music? The Shaggs, Bjork and anything from Wu Tang Clan.





Most PoPos consider their K-9 helpers full-fledged officers of the law. That kind of anthromorphization is kinda creepy but we’ll go with it. That said, if Joe Citizen punched a cop…or kicked a cop…hell, even yelled at a cop…he’d be sitting in the Gray Bar Motel for a long time. Shoot-fire, he might even get Gitmo’d. So how come an UN-PD (pronounced Un-Pud) can "allegedly" beat the bejeezus out of his dog and the motherhubbard gets paid administrative leave? Double. Standard.





The Bun in the Oven wacko doesn’t have a job, lives with her parents, gets food stamps and has a publicist. WTF? A freakin' PUBLICIST? Aye caramba! Anyone thinking that’s an O.K. situation needs a reality check. And, while you’re getting yours…save one for Octo-Ho. She needs it more than anyone.

(8.-)

Bong With the Wind

The Michael Phelps saga continues to spiral into the abyss.




As you know, last week the Daily Mirror printed a pic of the Chosen One smoking out of a bong. People were outraged. “How can he do that? He’s a role model! And “We expect better behavior from an Olympian.” Next thing you know, everyone’s got their Underoos in a bunch. Sponsors dropped Phelps quicker than bank execs spending TARP money. Phelps apologized, more sponsors bailed and now this…





Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott has decided he wants his fifteen minutes and has arrested eight, count ‘em eight people in connection with the Phelps picture. Lott says that the pic indicated to him that a crime was committed. Aye Caramba! This is the kind of thing that drives us bat-shit crazy.





First of all, owning a bong or smoking out of a bong is not a crime in America. Period...unless you're Tommy Chong. But, by merely looking at the pic, Sheriff Lott has decided a crime was committed. Great, the motherhubbard thinks he’s Nancy Drew. O.K…O.K…Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that Phelps was indeed smokin’ the ganja. Ummm…Sheriff? Is smoking reefer the most pressing law enforcement item on your agenda? No meth labs to bust there in the SC? No murders or rapists to go after? Guess not. Sheriff Lott’s over-zealous prosecution of a minor drug offense sends the wrong message to people. Law enforcement officers in South Carolina aren’t supposed to be bustin’ famous rich white kids for smokin’ the Kind… law enforcement officers in South Carolina are supposed to be bustin’ poor black people for being the wrong color. After all, that’s the kind of behavior we’ve come to expect from southern lawmen.

BTW...if we're gonna start bustin' people for the crime of "appearing in pictures with drug paraphernalia"...every rapper in the country will be spendin' some time in the Gray Bar Motel.





(8.-)

A-Roid

After years of denials, guess it isn’t too shocking that A-Fraud copped to ‘roidin’. Come to think of it, every MLBer from the late ‘80’s was probably juicin’. Are you listening Cal Ripken Jr.? You’d better get out there and CYA ‘cause Miggy T. got busted today and later this month it’ll be Barry’s turn at the Gray Bar Motel. YIKES!




The scary thing about all this is that Jose Freakin’ Canseco has been right all the time. Aye Caramba! But he with the tiny testicles and pretty man-boobs says that players shouldn’t be the only ones getting’ busted ‘cause the union, the owners and the commissioner were all aware of baseball’s dirty little secret. That got us to thinkin’…Who was the owner of the Texas Rangers when Canseco was a juiced-up member of the team? George W. Bush. Figures. It’s only a crime if other players do it. If your players do it…they were just trying to keep up with the Joneses…or in this case, the Cansecos. Just like Chimp-Dick’s “Struggle Against Global Extremism”…When the other guys kill civilians, it’s called terrorism. When we kill civilians, it’s called collateral damage. That is some fucked up logic right there.

(8.-)

Wussification Nation

This post is a response to an RGJ LTE from Ernie Baltar of Sun Valley…



I will support my president and hope he succeeds. For the last eight years American values, morals and faith were betrayed by false prophets with words of doom and gloom. That’s not my America. I want my country back.



I don’t believe helping those less fortunate than me is “socialism.” I believe it is my duty as an American to help those in need. If I must pay higher taxes to help my country and my countrymen out of this shit-storm, then so be it.



During the tenure of the last pResident, the federal government grew bigger than at any time in the country’s history. Handed a multi-billion dollar surplus, he squandered it into the biggest deficit America has ever faced. Warrantless wiretapping, suspension of habeas corpus, rendition, torture and indefinite incarceration without charges have become the norm. That is not my America. I want my country back.



I believe the Constitution when it says all men are created equal. I denounce political hacks who say their job is to protect the American people. No. You swore an oath to protect the Constitution. I’m an American…I don’t need you to protect me from terrorism, or from gay marriage, or from the evils of drugs, or from people who weren’t born in this country but come here to live the American dream.



I figure if there’s 12 billion dollars a month to spend on an unnecessary war in Iraq, there’s enough money to rebuild infrastructure, give our kids a good education and our parents’ security in their retirement. Every American is guaranteed “Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” That is my America.



But, success will be slow. It took eight long years to get us into this mess, it’ll take time to get us out of it. Success will be bringing our troops home. Success will be restoring America’s moral standing in the world. Success will be talking to those who don’t agree with us to better understand their plight. Success is my America.



I will not succumb to fear-mongering right-wingers. I am not afraid of black people, or brown people, or yellow people. I am not afraid of Muslims or Jews or Christians or Atheists. I will continue to fight the xenophobic, racist, narrow-minded, rednecks who would give up their freedoms for the illusion of safety. I will not go quietly into that good night. I want my country back and I’m prepared to fight to the death for her. I’m an American and this is my America.





(8.-)

Money Don't Make No Man

The Bus Boys are one of the most underrated, under-appreciated, under-played bands in the entire USo'A. They used to roll up to the 775 at least a half dozen times a year...playin' the old Harrah's Cabaret. We'd go to their first show...sit through the dancing girls "booby show" afterward, then move down to the front row for the Bus Boys' second show of the night. If you ever, Ever, EVER get a chance to see the Bus Boys in concert...DO IT! These brotherhubbards truly lay down some foot-stompin, butt-bumpin' rock & roll rhythm and blues.


(8.-)