Fistianity

Here at PTB, I’ve never had a problem pointing out Christian hypocrisy. As a matter-of-fact, it’s one of my favorite pastimes. But I’ve gotta be honest, with chucklenuts out there like Pat Robertson and David Vitter and Nevada’s own John “Able Semen” Ensign, it’s kinda like shooting fish in a barrel…with a bazooka. ANYWAY…

I came across an article the other day that said some Evangelical Christians, thinkin’ that their churches have become too “feminized”, are turning to a unique way of getting the younger generation (especially men) back into their flocks. How? They’re pullin’ a Don King and they’re promoting MMA-style fighting! HAW! The goal, “is to inject some machismo into their ministries — and into the image of JZeus — in the hope of making Christianity more appealing.”

One of the big-time backers of the idea is Ryan Dobson. You know him as the son of James Dobson, founder of “Focus on the Family." Y’all remember FoF dontcha? FOF is the homophobic, xenophobic, fearmongering, cracker-assed-crackers behind politicians like Mike Huckabee and Caribou Barbie and behind the “We need a Constitutional Amendment to protect marriage” bullshit. Think of ‘em as Bible-totin’ teabaggers. What gets me about this is that, IMHO, fighting is the last thing Christians should do, right?

So, I referred to the Christian part of my Bible (the New Testament) and wondered what JZeus might say about this shit.

Matthew 5:38…”Turn the other cheek.”

Luke 6:27…”Treat others as you would have them treat you.”

Mark 14:43…”All who take the sword die by the sword.”

So here’s the crux of today’s biscuit…Evangelical Christians in America today are about as Christ-like as a bag of doorknobs. They wouldn’t know the teachings of Christ if they bit ‘em on their collective asses. No, the SOG wouldn’t have endorsed MMA-style fighting to attract younger men Catholic priests? That’s a whole different story. I’ll bet that right now, JZeus is spinning in His grave but I'll bet it makes the Westboro Baptist Church proud as punch. Pun intended.

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Waste to Space

If you’ve been here to PTB more than once, you know I truly do love me some NASA. Heck-fire, growin’ up, I wanted to be an astronaut worse than life itself. Then I found out that there were no aliens who looked like Captain Kirk’s booty calls. That pretty much ended my spacefaring career. That and all the math and science stuff. YIKES! But it was still kind of a shock when Barry-O hacked a butt-load of money out of the USo’A, Inc.’s space budget. Go figure.

Here’s the crux of the biscuit…if we don’t have the millions of dollars to help American citizens out of their financial pain and medical suffering, why should a Christian nation spend that money goin’ into space? Funny thing is…the chucklenuts gnashing teeth and rending garments over this are the same ones who call Chocolate Elvis a socialist. By telling private corporations they need to step up and taking government money away from spaceflight, he’s doing the exact opposite of what a socialist would do. Bet you’ll never hear the teabaggers admit to that. True story.

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Baby Get Back

It’s a story that is pretty creepy once you really think about it. Ten Baptists were busted in Haiti over the weekend when they were caught trying to smuggle kids out of the country. The Baptists say they were “only trying to rescue abandoned children from the disaster zone.” Haitian police think differently. The Baptists had no paperwork and no permission to transport the kids out of the earthquake-ravaged country. Isn’t it funny how the more “Christian” you purport to be, the less Christian you act? I’m talkin’ to you Senator John “Pants on the Floor” Ensign. SHEESH! One thing I’ve gotta say…no matter how fucked up it is to be in Haiti right now…it’s still better than bein’ a Baptist. True dat.

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WTgiF

So…the story says Liz Edwards is kickin’ ole Johnny boy to the curb. Thanks Captain Obvious. She shoulda done it a long time ago....or, at least, pulled a Lorena Bobbitt on his dumb ass. Do ya think the soon-to-be ex-Mrs Edwards would be interested in rebound sex? Gotta look her up on Facebook. Yup.

Another story in the news today says that only one penny of every dollar given for Haitian earthquake relief is given to the Haitian government. Good. Those rat-bastards woulda just spent it on themselves. Always have. That’s why Haiti is in the messed up situation it’s in right now (earthquake notwithstanding). But here’s my question: Out of that dollar…thirty three cents goes to the US military. WTF? Don’t we already pay for GI Joe? Fuckin’-A…thirty-three cents goes to our own military and nine cents goes to feed starving Haitians. SNAFU.

The ACORN pimp got busted earlier in the week for tryin’ to Watergate Senator Mary Landrieu’s office. His lawyer says that it was just a prank and he’s just a kid. How come when a right-wing nutcase does something wrong, it’s a “prank” and when some lefty does something wrong it’s a symptom of Obama’s Socialist Regime. Aye caramba!

And finally…today is National Puzzle Day. HUZZAH! So I’m gonna try to solve this puzzle. Yesterday on Faux News, Rudy-In-The-Booty said that the ‘Bamer was a pussy ‘cause he didn’t use the word “war” in the SOTU addy. Problem is, Barry-O used the word “war” at least eight times by my count. The puzzle? WTF is Rudy Guliliani still doin’ on TV and why does Faux News let him spout crap outta his lie-hole? One can only guess.

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Talk is Cheap

I won’t go into too much detail on last night’s presidential address. My head is still pounding from slammin' all those shots. Who’d have thunk the over/under on “stink-eyes thrown by Nancy Pelosi" would go so far over. Now every time I see the Speaker of the House, I know I’m gonna belch stale beer, Doritos and Jose Cuervo. YIKES!

So…the remnants of last night’s SOTU speech are still passed out on the basement floor, surrounded by empty Keystone cans, Tequila bottles and shot glasses. Aye caramba! To the boys and girls in this hood, the SOTU addy is better than the Super Bowl. That’s how we roll here in the 775. A couple of quick thoughts on Barry-O’s offering…

Three minutes into the speech…THREE FRIGGIN’ MINUTES into it, the cameras cut to Nevada Senator Harry Reid. And the chucklenut was YAWNING! SHEESH! Yo Harry…if your career in the Senate wasn’t over before last night…it is now. Worst. Move. Ever.

Nuthin’ funnier than seein’ the ‘Bamer waggin’ his finger at the SCOTUS, Inc. Justices and scolding them like they were naughty schoolgirls. They were squirmin’ in their seats like they were bein’ forced to watch an episode of “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire.” True dat. Come to think of it…Ruth “Darth” Bader-Ginsburg is my new secret fantasy schoolgirl crush. So sue me.

And finally…say what you will about BHO’s TelePrompter abilities, say what you will about his rhetorical flair and his smooth, dulcet tones…but if last night’s speech doesn’t kick start the legislative process in the House and the Senate, we’re all gonna be doomed. Republicans with thir smart-assed reactions, tryin’ to look interested, acting like a bunch of frat boys in Economics class. Hey John Boenher…y’all are either with us or against us. What’ll it be? My guess is the latter. DOOMED I TELLS YA!

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Balls Beer