What's Love Got To Do With It?

Folks who regularly click over here to PTB know I love me my Muslim brothers and sisters. True story. But sometimes ya read a story and think, “Aye caramba!” Case in point…

Muslim leaders in Mother Russia are urging their flocks to disregard Valentine’s Day because it "preaches universal permissiveness, amorality and nihilism." SHEESH! Valentine’s Day does all that? Hardly. Let me explain to y’all. Valentine’s Day is a corporate-run holiday designed to guilt men into buying crap for their wives that they don’t need, with money they don’t have, to get a result that is not always forthcoming. Don’t believe me? Americans (mostly men) spend right around 14.7 BILLION dollars every year on crap like candy and cards and flowers. Question to all the boys out there: When was the last time you got laid ‘cause you bought your woman flowers? Candy? A Valentine’s Day card? Probably never. If y’all wanna get down to the horizontal mambo, you’d be better off buyin’ her a fifth of Jack Daniels. Yup, that’d loosen her up.

No my Muslim brothers and sisters. While your spiritual leaders take pot shots at our national holidays like teabaggers after Chocolate Elvis, they’re wrong about the whole thing. Valentine’s Day doesn’t stand for universal permissiveness, amorality or even nihilism. It stands for the rampant greed and unabashed consumerism that is the United States of America, Inc. Valentine’s Day has as much to do with sex and love as Christmas has to do with the birth of the SoG. Not a damned thing.

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Why I Love Me Some Sad Songs

This is a perfect reflection of the mood I've been in lately. The band is The Kings of Leon. Thank JZeus' dad for inventing music. True dat.

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Snow Laughing matter

The Winter Olympics are only a couple of days away and that just warms the cockles of my hard. One big problem, though...no snow. Aye caramba! That's one of the reasons I keep tellin' people that bringin' the Winter-O's to the 775 is a bad idea. WTF happens if you throw a Winter Olympics and it doesn't snow? You become the laughingstock of the planet (replacing Djibouti) when you realize you've flushed millions of taxpayer's money down the proverbial poop chute. Good thing Vancouver is in Canada...they're Socialists anyway, so they don't mind their tax money bein' wasted on stupid stuff...like healthcare.

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State of the Fate

If you're looking for some outstanding unintentional comedy tonight, just tune in to Governor Jim Gibbons' State of the State address tonight. And while you're watching and wondering if the stick up his ass has a stick up it's ass remember, Governor Gibbons has sworn that he hasn't had sex with anyone (including his wife) since the 1990's. That surely explains a lot, neh?

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Money Don't Make No Man

We all know the economy is fucked up. But how can we fix it? No worries. Whether or not you're a saver or a spender, there's nothing better than a couple of cracker-assed crackers rappin' 'bout fiscal policy. High comedy indeed. Too bad politicians don't ever visit YouTube or PTB, neh?

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Fistianity

Here at PTB, I’ve never had a problem pointing out Christian hypocrisy. As a matter-of-fact, it’s one of my favorite pastimes. But I’ve gotta be honest, with chucklenuts out there like Pat Robertson and David Vitter and Nevada’s own John “Able Semen” Ensign, it’s kinda like shooting fish in a barrel…with a bazooka. ANYWAY…

I came across an article the other day that said some Evangelical Christians, thinkin’ that their churches have become too “feminized”, are turning to a unique way of getting the younger generation (especially men) back into their flocks. How? They’re pullin’ a Don King and they’re promoting MMA-style fighting! HAW! The goal, “is to inject some machismo into their ministries — and into the image of JZeus — in the hope of making Christianity more appealing.”

One of the big-time backers of the idea is Ryan Dobson. You know him as the son of James Dobson, founder of “Focus on the Family." Y’all remember FoF dontcha? FOF is the homophobic, xenophobic, fearmongering, cracker-assed-crackers behind politicians like Mike Huckabee and Caribou Barbie and behind the “We need a Constitutional Amendment to protect marriage” bullshit. Think of ‘em as Bible-totin’ teabaggers. What gets me about this is that, IMHO, fighting is the last thing Christians should do, right?

So, I referred to the Christian part of my Bible (the New Testament) and wondered what JZeus might say about this shit.

Matthew 5:38…”Turn the other cheek.”

Luke 6:27…”Treat others as you would have them treat you.”

Mark 14:43…”All who take the sword die by the sword.”

So here’s the crux of today’s biscuit…Evangelical Christians in America today are about as Christ-like as a bag of doorknobs. They wouldn’t know the teachings of Christ if they bit ‘em on their collective asses. No, the SOG wouldn’t have endorsed MMA-style fighting to attract younger men Catholic priests? That’s a whole different story. I’ll bet that right now, JZeus is spinning in His grave but I'll bet it makes the Westboro Baptist Church proud as punch. Pun intended.

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Waste to Space

If you’ve been here to PTB more than once, you know I truly do love me some NASA. Heck-fire, growin’ up, I wanted to be an astronaut worse than life itself. Then I found out that there were no aliens who looked like Captain Kirk’s booty calls. That pretty much ended my spacefaring career. That and all the math and science stuff. YIKES! But it was still kind of a shock when Barry-O hacked a butt-load of money out of the USo’A, Inc.’s space budget. Go figure.

Here’s the crux of the biscuit…if we don’t have the millions of dollars to help American citizens out of their financial pain and medical suffering, why should a Christian nation spend that money goin’ into space? Funny thing is…the chucklenuts gnashing teeth and rending garments over this are the same ones who call Chocolate Elvis a socialist. By telling private corporations they need to step up and taking government money away from spaceflight, he’s doing the exact opposite of what a socialist would do. Bet you’ll never hear the teabaggers admit to that. True story.

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Baby Get Back

It’s a story that is pretty creepy once you really think about it. Ten Baptists were busted in Haiti over the weekend when they were caught trying to smuggle kids out of the country. The Baptists say they were “only trying to rescue abandoned children from the disaster zone.” Haitian police think differently. The Baptists had no paperwork and no permission to transport the kids out of the earthquake-ravaged country. Isn’t it funny how the more “Christian” you purport to be, the less Christian you act? I’m talkin’ to you Senator John “Pants on the Floor” Ensign. SHEESH! One thing I’ve gotta say…no matter how fucked up it is to be in Haiti right now…it’s still better than bein’ a Baptist. True dat.

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