Nuggets From the Mind Shaft

The war of words between University Chancellor Jim Rogers and Governor Jim Gibbons is starting to resemble something out of the “WWE.” Now, we’ve never been ones to run away from a public cat fight but, c’mon guys. There’s real work to be done and y’all are acting like a couple of schoolgirls. Tell you what…if you two wanna fight, meet us downtown during halftime of a Bighorns game. We’ll rope y’all off some space and you can beat each other to smithereens. Winner gets his way, loser gets to steppin’. Either that, or STFU and get to work. Babies.




Speaking of fights…last week a couple of Spanish Springs high school students got into some fisticuffs. Gay rights advocates are calling it a hate crime while the Washoe County Sheriff says it wasn’t. That got us to thinkin’…when has a fist fight ever NOT been a hate crime? Just wondering.




The fighting has stopped, for now, in Gaza. Israel sure blew the shit out of that place. So when we read the story ‘bout U.S. aid to Gaza the bile started to rise. According to a report, the USo’A is gonna pay….wait for it…wait for it…$900 MILLION for Gaza reconstruction. WTF is up with that? Hey guys…Israel did the band damage in Gaza…not America. How the fuck come we’ve gotta pay for reconstruction? Israel broke it, Israel should have to pay for it. $900 million could go a long way back here in the states.




And finally, last week we told you about the City of Sparks spending gobs of scratch tryin’ to “re-brand” their identity. When residents heard about it they went BSC. No surprise there. But the story gets better…A city spokesman said the branding, development and marketing action plan is only a DRAFT plan. He said none of the 28 recommendations has been implemented and at a later date, the city council may take action on some, all, or none of them. AYE CARAMBA!!! You mean to say that, after spending all that dough, Sparks officials might not even use the new slogan? What kind of reaction did they think residents were gonna have when they heard the news? No matter folks…PTB to the rescue. Y’all wanna new slogan for your town? How ‘bout: "Sparks, Home of Douchebag Politicians.” Yup…we like that one. It fits.




(8.-)

Pulled Over and Out

The most important document ever written is also what makes the USo’A the greatest nation on earth. Of course, we’re talkin’ ‘bout the Constitution. That said, you’d think the douchebags in Carson City would have paid attention in Constitutional law class…or at the very least, ninth grade history class. You’d think, but you’d be wrong.



Late last week a Senate committee voted for a bill that allows the GestaPoPo to stop motorists if they “think” they’re not wearing seat belts. Did anyone else read that story and say, “WTF?” The Fourth Amendment in the above mentioned Constitution ensures citizens' right to "be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures.” This new bill seems to be contrary to that pesky Fourth Amendment. Here’s the crux of today’s biscuit…



It’s already against the law here in the Silver State to be DWB. Hell, cops can even bust you for drifting over the fog line. But to give the GestaPoPo the right to pull over a motorist ‘cause the officer thinks...maybe...possibly...he's pretty sure there might have been a violation is friggin’ crazy!



Supporters of the bill spout the usual gibberish about how the law will save lives and lower insurance liability but that’s missing the point. When you give cops the go-ahead to bust people on a “hunch,” you give them free reign to go after whomever they want, whenever they want, regardless if a crime has been committed. Will law enforcement abuse those powers? It’s hard to tell but there’s always a few bad apples in the bunch and you can bet your bottom dollar those turds are gonna float to the top. When it comes between safety and civil rights…we pick the latter every time.



(8.-)

Fried Ay?

Say what you will about "Les Francais" but you can't deny their artistic abilities. "Vive Le France!"


(8.-)

The Sound of One Hand Clapping

When is a protest not a protest? If Tommie Smith and John Carlos made their protest in the locker room rather than on the medal stand, would it have been the same? If Dr. King gave his “I Have A Dream” speech in front of the bathroom mirror instead of on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, would it have been the same? No and no. Protests are meant to be seen and heard. But not if the Nevada legislature has anything to say about it.





This week, Nevada’s political bobbleheads are considering a bill designed to prevent protestors from disrupting funerals and memorial services. That’s ‘cause folks like the BSC motherhubbards from the Westboro Baptist Church raise a ruckus outside military funerals shouting things like “God loves dead soldiers!” Tasteless as that may be, guess what? Here in the USo’A we’ve got a little thing called the First Amendment. Putting restrictions on protests is a violation of Americans’ rights to freedom of speech and freedom of assembly.



Now, we don’t believe in what the WBC stands for...after all, they’ve got “church” in their name. But here’s the crux of our biscuit…when politicians start preventing “funeral” and “memorial” protests, where will it stop? War protesters? Union picketers? American Idol fans? Political douchebags have no idea what this country stands for. Here in America, we let people speak their minds no matter how ugly the message is. Are you listening fat boy? Knowing people like the WBC, the KKK and other hate groups can spout their rhetoric whenever they want warms our collective heart. Why? ‘Cause when you’re up close and personal with a pile of horseshit, it makes you much more appreciative of the smell of flowers. Smarter brotherhubbards than us have said it before…we don’t agree with what they say but we’ll defend to the death their right to say it.


(8.-)

Branded

We just found out the City of Sparks gave more than a hundred G’s to a Seattle company to create a “brand identity” for the city. Our question to the powers-that-be in the Rail City: WTF? They don’t have marketing consultants here in the 775? Typical lack of respect for local talent by political douchebags who just don’t get it. Anyway…we did a little research and found a couple of slogans that didn't make the cut:



Sparks. Come for the railroad, stay for the hobos.


Sparks. It could be worse.


Sparks. Like it or lump it.


Sparks. Not just for meth labs anymore.


Sparks. Harassing minorities since 1904.


Sparks. We have to love it. We live here.


Sparks. No Shirt, No Shoes, No Gays!


Sparks. If you’ve been here, you know.


Sparks. Live it. Love it. Now get the hell out!


Sparks. Don’t blame us, we voted for John McCain.





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Flipping the Switch

FULL DISCLOSURE: Every time you turn on your television set, we here at PTB make one MILLION dollars.



Well boys and girls…in about an hour KAME and KRXI along with hundreds of other T.V. stations across the country will stop broadcasting in analog. What does that mean to you? It means unless you’ve made the switch, you’re SOL. And if you haven’t made the switch…c’mon folks, get into the 21st century already! That said, in case you missed it last Sunday, enjoy the brand new HD open for the Simpsons. It might be the last T.V. you see for a while. No worries though. Some people consider television the “drug of the nation.” Maybe if more of us watched less of it, we wouldn’t be in the shit-storm we’re in. Idealistic? Yes. Realistic? No.


(8.-)

Monday Mourning

Fifty people die in a plane crash outside of Buffalo, NY and the story is in the headlines for more than a week. Forty people in Iraq get blown to smithereens and you don’t hear a word. Does that mean a life in Iraq is worth less than a life in the USo’A?






Speaking of war zones, Friday was the anniversary of the USSR’s withdrawal from Afghanistan. General Boris Gromov, the last Soviet general in charge of the war said, "Afghanistan taught us an invaluable lesson ... It has been and always will be impossible to solve political problems using force." Aye Caramba! Is anyone out there listening or are we in for a clusterfuck of unimaginable proportions? We pick the latter. We’ve said it since the beginning…Afghanistan is where empires go to die. Guess we’re next.

The Silver State is in line for a bil-and-a-half of stimulus dollars. Note to Skeevy Dean Heller…WTF is your problem buddy? You’re either for us or again’ us. Sadly it seems you’d rather play obstructionist than trying to help out your constituents. See you at the polls in two years soon-to-be ex-Congressman Heller!

The Washoe County School District is so poor it doesn’t have a pot to piss in. So why do they find it necessary to spend more than a half a mil to put video and audio surveillance on school busses? Here’s an idea…do what the airline industry did after 9/11 and put a highly-trained heavily-armed marshal on the bus. That’ll teach the little whippersnappers to behave!

And finally on this Presidents Day…A new survey, just released, lists the best American presidents ever. Topping the list (not surprisingly) was Lincoln, Washington, FDR and Teddy Roosevelt. What surprised us though, was that Chimp-Dick was ranked 36th out of 42. How the hell did he rate that high? In the several categories used, pResident Bush scored lowest in international relations (41st), and in economic management (40th). No surprise there. His highest ranking was in the category of pursuing equal justice for all (24th). This is why we hate surveys. GWB suspended habeas corpus, tossed hundreds of Muslims into Gitmo, approved waterboarding and other forms of torture and is personally responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of innocent Iraqi and Afghan civilians. Equal justice for all? The Bush-Wipe doesn’t have the faintest idea what that means.





(8.-)

Love and Basketball

Here at PTB we love us some NBA All-Star weekend. No other sport compares. MLB has juiced-up ‘roid-ragers hitting candy-assed fastballs into Bolivia. Weak. The NFL barely shows up to play the week after the Super Bowl. Lame. The NHL’s all-star game? Fuggeddaboudit. No, we’ll take the NBA with its slam dunk contest and the three point shoot-out over that other crap any day. And this weekend is gonna be even more special. For the first time in NBA all-star history, they’re gonna have a game of H-O-R-S-E. YEE HAW!!!




As you probably already knew, H-O-R-S-E was invented by the Greeks as a way to end the siege of Troy back during the Trojan War. The Greeks got the victory when Ajax the Lesser sank a half-court hook shot and the Trojans couldn’t respond. Too bad all wars couldn’t be decided by a game of H-O-R-S-E. Hell, if that were the case, America would regain her place as the greatest country in the world. How? Barry's got game. He’d take out a can of whoopass on Kim Jong Il, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or Fidel Castro. The 'Bamer is a flat-out baller. Besides, do you know how hard it is to shoot hoops dressed like a Taliban or al Qaeda? The friggin’ robes get in the way of everything. Besides, have you ever tried shooting a basketball while holding an AK-47? Not easy.




ANYWAY…we might not settle the world’s problems with a game of H-O-R-S-E (unless it's the 1977-1978 version)…but it sure beats the way we do things now. Hope y’all have a great weekend…we’ll be watchin’ hoops.




(8.-)

ThursDaydreaming

The story says Bernie Madoff’s wife withdrew fifteen million dollars from their account just days before he took a walk of shame for stealing billions of dollars from investors. Neither of the Madoffs are in jail as of this writing. As a matter-of-fact…Bernie is under house arrest. That means he spends his days languishing in his multi-million dollar penthouse in the NYC rather than sitting in a 4x4 cell with a roommate named T-Bone. We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again…a brown-skinded brother steals a loaf of bread to feed his family, he gets beaten and thrown in the hoosegow. But if whitey steals billions of dollars to feed his extravagant lifestyle, he gets house arrest. Sad but true.



Had JWB not popped a cap in the 16th President, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 200 years old today…the same age as Dick Clark. So, since Guy Rocha is retiring, we thought we’d share some little-known facts about the Man from Springfield…


“Honest Abe” got his nickname the first time he ran for office when he actually fessed-up to a reporter’s question about alleged indelicate dalliances with sheep.


Before Lincoln started sporting his full beard, he wore a Fu Manchu with a soul patch.


The first draft of the Gettysburg Address started with, “There once was a man from Nantucket.”


Lincoln was so poor growing up that his stovepipe hat was an actual real-life stovepipe.


Lincoln’s favorite music? The Shaggs, Bjork and anything from Wu Tang Clan.





Most PoPos consider their K-9 helpers full-fledged officers of the law. That kind of anthromorphization is kinda creepy but we’ll go with it. That said, if Joe Citizen punched a cop…or kicked a cop…hell, even yelled at a cop…he’d be sitting in the Gray Bar Motel for a long time. Shoot-fire, he might even get Gitmo’d. So how come an UN-PD (pronounced Un-Pud) can "allegedly" beat the bejeezus out of his dog and the motherhubbard gets paid administrative leave? Double. Standard.





The Bun in the Oven wacko doesn’t have a job, lives with her parents, gets food stamps and has a publicist. WTF? A freakin' PUBLICIST? Aye caramba! Anyone thinking that’s an O.K. situation needs a reality check. And, while you’re getting yours…save one for Octo-Ho. She needs it more than anyone.

(8.-)

Bong With the Wind

The Michael Phelps saga continues to spiral into the abyss.




As you know, last week the Daily Mirror printed a pic of the Chosen One smoking out of a bong. People were outraged. “How can he do that? He’s a role model! And “We expect better behavior from an Olympian.” Next thing you know, everyone’s got their Underoos in a bunch. Sponsors dropped Phelps quicker than bank execs spending TARP money. Phelps apologized, more sponsors bailed and now this…





Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott has decided he wants his fifteen minutes and has arrested eight, count ‘em eight people in connection with the Phelps picture. Lott says that the pic indicated to him that a crime was committed. Aye Caramba! This is the kind of thing that drives us bat-shit crazy.





First of all, owning a bong or smoking out of a bong is not a crime in America. Period...unless you're Tommy Chong. But, by merely looking at the pic, Sheriff Lott has decided a crime was committed. Great, the motherhubbard thinks he’s Nancy Drew. O.K…O.K…Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that Phelps was indeed smokin’ the ganja. Ummm…Sheriff? Is smoking reefer the most pressing law enforcement item on your agenda? No meth labs to bust there in the SC? No murders or rapists to go after? Guess not. Sheriff Lott’s over-zealous prosecution of a minor drug offense sends the wrong message to people. Law enforcement officers in South Carolina aren’t supposed to be bustin’ famous rich white kids for smokin’ the Kind… law enforcement officers in South Carolina are supposed to be bustin’ poor black people for being the wrong color. After all, that’s the kind of behavior we’ve come to expect from southern lawmen.

BTW...if we're gonna start bustin' people for the crime of "appearing in pictures with drug paraphernalia"...every rapper in the country will be spendin' some time in the Gray Bar Motel.





(8.-)

A-Roid

After years of denials, guess it isn’t too shocking that A-Fraud copped to ‘roidin’. Come to think of it, every MLBer from the late ‘80’s was probably juicin’. Are you listening Cal Ripken Jr.? You’d better get out there and CYA ‘cause Miggy T. got busted today and later this month it’ll be Barry’s turn at the Gray Bar Motel. YIKES!




The scary thing about all this is that Jose Freakin’ Canseco has been right all the time. Aye Caramba! But he with the tiny testicles and pretty man-boobs says that players shouldn’t be the only ones getting’ busted ‘cause the union, the owners and the commissioner were all aware of baseball’s dirty little secret. That got us to thinkin’…Who was the owner of the Texas Rangers when Canseco was a juiced-up member of the team? George W. Bush. Figures. It’s only a crime if other players do it. If your players do it…they were just trying to keep up with the Joneses…or in this case, the Cansecos. Just like Chimp-Dick’s “Struggle Against Global Extremism”…When the other guys kill civilians, it’s called terrorism. When we kill civilians, it’s called collateral damage. That is some fucked up logic right there.

(8.-)

Wussification Nation

This post is a response to an RGJ LTE from Ernie Baltar of Sun Valley…



I will support my president and hope he succeeds. For the last eight years American values, morals and faith were betrayed by false prophets with words of doom and gloom. That’s not my America. I want my country back.



I don’t believe helping those less fortunate than me is “socialism.” I believe it is my duty as an American to help those in need. If I must pay higher taxes to help my country and my countrymen out of this shit-storm, then so be it.



During the tenure of the last pResident, the federal government grew bigger than at any time in the country’s history. Handed a multi-billion dollar surplus, he squandered it into the biggest deficit America has ever faced. Warrantless wiretapping, suspension of habeas corpus, rendition, torture and indefinite incarceration without charges have become the norm. That is not my America. I want my country back.



I believe the Constitution when it says all men are created equal. I denounce political hacks who say their job is to protect the American people. No. You swore an oath to protect the Constitution. I’m an American…I don’t need you to protect me from terrorism, or from gay marriage, or from the evils of drugs, or from people who weren’t born in this country but come here to live the American dream.



I figure if there’s 12 billion dollars a month to spend on an unnecessary war in Iraq, there’s enough money to rebuild infrastructure, give our kids a good education and our parents’ security in their retirement. Every American is guaranteed “Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” That is my America.



But, success will be slow. It took eight long years to get us into this mess, it’ll take time to get us out of it. Success will be bringing our troops home. Success will be restoring America’s moral standing in the world. Success will be talking to those who don’t agree with us to better understand their plight. Success is my America.



I will not succumb to fear-mongering right-wingers. I am not afraid of black people, or brown people, or yellow people. I am not afraid of Muslims or Jews or Christians or Atheists. I will continue to fight the xenophobic, racist, narrow-minded, rednecks who would give up their freedoms for the illusion of safety. I will not go quietly into that good night. I want my country back and I’m prepared to fight to the death for her. I’m an American and this is my America.





(8.-)

Money Don't Make No Man

The Bus Boys are one of the most underrated, under-appreciated, under-played bands in the entire USo'A. They used to roll up to the 775 at least a half dozen times a year...playin' the old Harrah's Cabaret. We'd go to their first show...sit through the dancing girls "booby show" afterward, then move down to the front row for the Bus Boys' second show of the night. If you ever, Ever, EVER get a chance to see the Bus Boys in concert...DO IT! These brotherhubbards truly lay down some foot-stompin, butt-bumpin' rock & roll rhythm and blues.


(8.-)

Ain't Myth-Behavin'

Nevada is losing a good one this time. State Archivist Guy Rocha is calling it quits after 28 years on the job. Guy was known ‘round these parts as “Nevada’s mythbuster.” The brotherhubbard consistently debunks legends and old stories and even history lessons that pop up about the Silver State. The dude truly knows his stuff. But now that Guy’s career is takin’ a dirt nap, we’re steppin’ in and takin’ over as Nevada’s NEW “mythbusters.” We start today.

Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Nevada and Famous Nevadans

10. The only all-male brothel in Nevada history closed in 1962 because customers kept asking for their money back.

9. “Nevada” isn’t Spanish for “snow-covered,” snow-covered is English for “Nevada.”

8. Nevada’s state fossil is the Ichthyosaur. Second place in the voting? State Senator Bill Raggio.

7. Originally, Nevada was to be named “South Idaho.”

6. Reno Mayor Bob Cashell was the inspiration behind the Star Wars character “Yoda.”

5. The greatest sports hero to come out of Nevada is table tennis legend Randy Daytona.

4. University of Nevada athletic teams are called the Wolf Pack. In the 1920’s, they were known as the Pooters.

3. On a clear day, you can see Russia from the top of the Reno Arch.

2. Nevada was admitted to the Union because Abraham Lincoln lost a Super Bowl bet.

1. Guy Rocha invented the roach clip, the roach motel and Family Guy.




(8.-)

Getting Dicked

Woa…who knew Kreskin was kinfolk to Dick Cheney? Yesterday Dr. Evil crawled out of his hermetically sealed cave and declared that there’s a “high probability” that terrorists will attempt a catastrophic nuclear or biological attack in coming years, and said he fears the “Obama administration’s policies will make it more likely the attempt will succeed.”


Well, it wasn’t nuclear or biological but the first terrorist attack on American soil during the Obama administration happened today. Some wacked-out BSC motherhubbards blew the bejeezus out of a doctor in Arkansas. Funny thing is, when we looked at the video of the scene, we couldn’t see one person from Homeland Security. Guess they had other things to do.



The sad part is…the Republicans seem to be enjoying all this. The tighty-righties are out of power and they’re damned sure to remind us that, when the bad stuff happens, it’s Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid’s fault. And all the bad things that are GONNA happen are because Republicans weren’t there to protect us. They keep flapping their lie-holes about keeping America safe but unless THEY’RE the ones keeping us safe, they could care less.




(8.-)

Money Talks

A couple of weeks ago SK Baseball rolled up to the Reno City Council, hat in hand, beggin’ for money like Oliver Twist beggin’ for more gruel. Because of spiraling construction costs and the sinking economy, SK figured they needed MILLIONS of dollars of taxpayer money to move their stadium project forward. Yesterday, SK Baseball announced that it has bought the Reno Bighorns of the NBA D-League. The purchase price is rumored to be in the MILLIONS of dollars.


There are several words that come to mind after writing that previous paragraph. Boondoggle…swindle…bailout. Actually, the first thing that came to mind was WTF?!? The city is cutting services and salaries and jobs like a butcher cutting through a ham hock. Meanwhile, they’re actually considering giving SK Baseball millions of dollars. This just goes to show you how out of touch local politicians really are. If the Reno City Council gives even one more taxpayer dollar to SK Baseball, they should all be run out of town on a rail. We’re gonna bet the train will be full sooner rather than later.


(8.-)

Deja Vu All Over Again and Again

Ah, Groundhog Day…the time of year when Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus, Sikhs, Agnostics and Atheists from all over the USo’A join together, throw their Deities under the bus and, for one day, believe that the all-knowing, all-seeing Almighty is a steroid-induced marmot.


Well, today the folks up in the PA, pulled the little rat-bastard out of his hole and exclaimed to the world that Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow and that winter would continue for another six weeks. Nice call Phil. Have you seen the last couple of weeks here in the 775? It’s been absolutely spring-like. Hell, we haven’t even STARTED winter yet. But divining the future on the sun-blocking ability of a rabid chipmunk got us to thinking…maybe we could predict some future events…



Michael Phelps, the greatest American Olympic athlete of all time, turns out to be a Rastafarian. Aye Caramba! Still think marijuana is the “evil drug?” Ask Mikey…or ask the doctors that did this study…or, like we’ve said before, open your bible to Genesis 1:29, read, repeat. Our prediction: Phelps will lose endorsement money from people like Disney and WalMart but get huge endorsement bucks from Doritos, Hostess Twinkies and Red Bull.



Today is the first day of the 2009 Nevada Legislature. Our prediction is that politicians will try to save as many programs as possible while not raising taxes. It never occurs to those bobbleheads that they have to pay for stuff with SOMETHING. They just never get around to figuring out how.



A new study out has dire news for the 775. It says the drought in the area makes the Silver State a natural disaster area. Our prediction: County Commissioners and City Council members will see this as a good sign and promptly rubber-stamp several sprawling developments and a couple of mega-casinos. After all, if you think the 775 is in a drought, you must be a tree-huggin’, Birkenstock wearin’, tie-dyed, Al Gore-lovin’ hippie. Wow…that sounds a lot like Michael Phelps.



And finally…yesterday we were all treated to a great Super Bowl, that is, unless you’re an Arizona Cardinals fan. The thing that stuck out the most, though, was the halftime show. YIKES! Aside from the ear worm he stuck us with, nothing is scarier than Bruce Springsteen doing a power slide right into the camera. Yo Boss…if no one wanted to see Janet Jackson’s niblets a few years ago…no one wants to see the ingredients of your codpiece today. And a quick note to the NFL. Hey guys, can you please quit with the geriatric, antique, octogenarian rockers? The 1970’s are OVER. If we wanted to see some old geezer strutting around like a peacock with a sugar buzz…we’d just give grandpa one of Michael Phelps’ blunts. Yup, that’d do it.



(8.-)

Super Happy Fun Fun

Well…it’s Super Bowl weekend and you know what that means…the best commercials of the year!



FULL DISCLOSURE: Every time you watch television, we here at PTB make one MILLION dollars.



The best part about this year’s game is the fact that, for the first time, soldiers fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan (thanks a lot Chimp-Dick) will be able to drink beer during the big game. Ya see, soldiers are bound by the rules of the country they’re fighting in…and as in the case of Muslim countries, alcohol (and every other type of fun) is “verboten.” Not this weekend. Folks in the war zones will be allowed two (2) 12oz. beers each. Now, most people SPILL that much beer during the Super Bowl but you take what you can get. As always, we’d much rather get our brave young men and women home. ‘Til that happens, enjoy your brewskis. We miss you.



(8.-)

Around the Horn

A couple of things about the 775 we noticed today…


If you cross the roadside fog line in Elko County…you WILL go to jail.



If you oppose something on religious grounds, your religion had better be Christianity. If not…you’re screwed.



The Government-Cheese wants to collect tax money by monitoring your car as you drive. The program will start with 100 volunteers. Just like water meters…voluntary today…mandatory tomorrow. Big Brother has arrived.



Nevadan’s oppose GJG’s budget cuts. They also oppose higher taxes. Question: What the hell is the state gonna use for money? Casino chips?



Attorneys for BSC Michael Biela want three separate trials for their client instead of lumping the trio of crimes all into one. Do you think those ambulance chasers care about justice or are they just running up the tab? We think the latter.



According to a local expert, the big banks have no intention of giving their bailout money to small businesses. We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again…trickle down economics never has and never will work. Rich people don’t get rich because they give away their money, they get rich by hoarding it. Our solution? Trickle UP economics. When you give money to the little guys, they pay off their bills and buy things like cars and houses and electronics. That would be good for the economy but bad for the big banks. That’s why it’ll never get done.



And from the other side of the world. If your religion prohibits you from doing yoga or listening to music or watching movies or wearing certain types of clothes…you either need a different religion or you need to tell JZeus’ Dad to kiss your John Brown hind pot.



(8.-)

BasKidBall

Y’all remember being in the seventh grade? It wasn’t that long ago for us here at PTB…we remember it like it was yesterday. After all, seventh grade was three of the best years we ever had. But that’s a crux of a different biscuit…


Seventh grade was the time in our life when girls stopped having cooties, our music tastes changed from kiddy pop to rock & roll and we started counting the days ‘til we were gonna get our driver’s license (1,460). Ah, the joys of youth. Now, the NCAA wants to really screw things up.



Famous for giving birth to the BCS, the “student”-athlete and Dick Vitale, the NCAA has squirted one out of their pooty hole that surprised even us. Last week the NCAA voted to allow college basketball coaches to recruit kids as early as seventh grade. Aye Caramba! All through high school, jocks got preferential treatment from teachers, administrators and, of course, the PoPo. Now, this ruling bestows BMOC status on kids who are barely out of their Underoos. WTF would a seventh grader know about which college to go to? Nothing.



This is just another example of how the culture of the athletic circle jerk is ruining the USo’A. Don’t believe us? Most people couldn’t name you one single Supreme Court Justice, the capital of Djibouti or even the biggest planet in the solar system…but almost everyone knows who won the last Super Bowl, or who Michael Jordan is, or that every baseball player in the 1990’s was juicin’. That’s our biggest problem…we put all our time, money and effort into kids playing sports that we ignore the fact that they need to learn readin’, writin’, and ‘rithmetic. What’s worse, is that if you’re a jock-strap, you’ve got little chance of playing beyond high school and an infinitesimal chance of playing beyond college. Meanwhile, the future doctors, lawyers and scientists of America are getting their funding cut and their needs ignored. This is the kind of crap that’s gonna bite us all in the ass one day. Luckily, most of us will be sitting on ours…watching sports on T.V.



(8.-)

From the Bottom of the Mind Shaft

In the RGJ the other day, an LTE from Betty Cummings asked the question “Where is all the press coverage on the disappearance of 14-year-old Shermela Washington?” Good question. We’ve got some bad news for ya Betty…unless you’re a pretty, young Caucasian female, you’ve got no chance at pub here in the 775. After all, this is Cracker Town. Sad but true.



A recent study found that frequent masturbation by twenty-somethings increases their risk of prostate cancer. This is the kind of thing that gives science a bad name. If this study is true, then 95% of American teenaged males will develop prostate cancer within the next three weeks.



Here’s an example of why religious zealots make us wanna hurl: The Reverend Ted Haggard is back in the news. You remember Reverend Teddy Bear…last year he confessed to "sexual immorality" and resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals and pastor of New Life Church. Now Ted-In-Bed says the relationship he had with the male church member was “inappropriate but not physical.” What, gay sex is O.K. as long as you’re not touching? The crux of this biscuit is simple…we don’t think there’s anything wrong with sex between two consenting adults – gay or straight. The turds in the punch bowl are people like Ted Haggard who spew vile rhetoric about the “evils of homosexuality” while at the very same time, they’re grabbing their ankles, lubing up their pooty holes and sexing it up like they were the Village People. Hey Ted, you’re a hypocrite…and if we know it, surely your God does too!



Finally…last week a 14-year-old kid in Chicago fooled the cops into thinking he was an actual police officer. The kid had a uniform on and even went on patrol for a couple of hours. Aye Caramba! WTF were the Chi-Town fuzz thinkin’? Their excuse? “He looks a lot older than fourteen.” Think about it…if a prepubescent, snot-nosed kid can fool the cops into thinking he was one of the boys in blue…whadda ya think the REALLY bad guys are gonna be able to get away with? People of the Windy City…run for your lives…while you still can.

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Random Acts of WTF's

We’ve got a state bird, a state fossil and a state flower…now fourth graders from around the NV are gonna get the chance to pick the state insect. Well, we’re gonna save the little shavers time and gray matter. Nevada’s state insect should be the Mormon Cricket. When the MC’s hatch, the ugly rat-bastards are everywhere. Any other insect just wouldn’t do us justice.





Governor Jim Gibbons cut academic funding for higher education by fifty percent while college athletics got a three percent raise. Someone tell GJG that we want him to take a pee test. Seriously, WTF is he smoking? In the last three years the football team is 21-18 overall, 0-3 in bowl games, 0-3 against Boise St., 0-3 against Hawaii, 1-2 against Fresno St. and 1-5 against BCS teams. Two years ago, the basketball team lost in the first round of the NCAA Tournament to friggin’ MONTANA. Last year, the Pack didn’t make the NCAA, the NIT or any other post-season tournament. The baseball team hasn’t sniffed the post-season in a long time and no other sport on campus even gets a blip of publicity. Those are statistics for giving MORE money to athletics? Those should be the statistics that have Athletic Director Cary Groth working at the drive-thru.





And finally…State Senator Bob Coffin has suggested we look into legalizing prostitution throughout the Silver State. Longtime readers of PTB know we’ve been calling for legalizing ‘tutes since the beginning. If an 18-year-old male can sell his body to the NBA or MLB or the NFL…why shouldn’t an 18-year-old female be able to sell her body to the Moonlite Bunny Ranch's Vegas facility? And don’t start with all that biblical, moral majority, holier-than-thou bullshit. There were enough whores in the bible to float a battleship. Didn’t seem to matter much back then…why should it matter now?




BTW…State Senator Bob Coffin has one of the coolest names in the Nevada State Legislature. He probably gets a lot of shit around Halloween though. Yay, Senator Bob!



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Mighty Morphin' Power Dudes

We LOVE it when peoples give us a heads up on something cool. Thank you Carrie Chaney...we almost forgot how cool that old Michael Jackson video was.


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Phoning it In

It seemed to us like George W. Bush was president forever. While it might have felt like an eternity, the numbers don't lie. Out of the 2,920 days the Chimp-Dick was in office, he spent...wait for it...wait for it...1,020 days on vacation, breaking the old mark sent by Ronald "I don't remember" Reagan. That's one third of his entire time as pResident on VACATION! Talk about fiddlin' while Rome burns...We haiku our thoughts.

He's out in Texas

while the country goes to hell.

He'll be down there soon.

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