Smooshed

So…Haiti got flattened like a pancake. YIKES! Question: Why is the Invisible Man in the Sky always pissin’ on poverty-stricken brown-skinnded brothers? Early estimates are between a hundred grand and a quarter million people D.O.A. If any of y’all have a deity, now’d be the time to give Him or Her a call.

So…Brit Hume thinks Tiger Woods needs more JZeus in his life. Hume says Christianity is the best religion in the world to get forgiveness for a wandering doodle. Must be. Just ask John “Able Semen” Ensign. The Britster has been taking flak for his comments and Bill O’Reilley has come to the rescue. I a column the other day, B.O. said that Hume has every right to “espouse what he believes.” True dat. But just as Brit Hume has the right to blather on about his religious beliefs, we have a right to point out what a douchebag he is.

And lastly…it seems China is pimpin’ kid’s jewelry that is made out of cadmium. You know cadmium…that’s the fucked up stuff that causes cancer. Seems China has been making the stuff and exporting it to us. Question: Why do we still buy this kind of crap from China? Oh yeah…so WalMart can keep their prices low. Thanks a fucking lot China.

@:
:@

Lyin'-Assed Liar

So Fat Boy finally did it. Yup. Yesterday Mark “I’ve never used steroids” McGwire pulled a Charlie Hustle and copped to juicin’. Turns out he of the Popeye arms shot up more chemicals than that dude from Trainspotting. True dat. But I have a problem with the timing of the whole thing.

For years Big Mac denied drugging and he gave the frownin’ of a lifetime to anyone who thought differently. He was innocent and we were all out to get him. Turns out he was just another lyin-assed jock strap who thought he was above the rules. So now he fesses up. SHEESH!.

Could it be because he’s got a new gig as the St. Louis Cardinals’ hitting coach? Probably not. Could it be because his conscience finally got the better of him? HAW! No, I think the reason MM spilled his guts is that last week he got as many Hall of Fame votes as I did. Ya see, McGwire still thinks that no matter what illegal and immoral things he did, he deserves a place in the HOF. Poppycock!

Yo Mark…you cheated. You cheated and you played us all as fools. And now you think that a half-assed mea culpa is gonna get you some sympathy votes for the HOF? Never. You and your ilk almost destroyed the sport of baseball and no amount of crocodile tears will change the situation. Other people might forgive you. They’re better persons than I am. But to me Mr. McGwire, the only hall you should be inducted into is the Hall of Fuck Off and Slither Back Under the Rock You Came From. Ummm...is that a hall? The HOFOASBUTYCF.

BTW...I surely hope you get a call from the Justice Department soon. Lying to Congress will get you time in the Gray Bar Motel. True dat.

@:
:@

Sausage Factory

So…the powers-that-be here in Nevada have given the O.K. to open up the first-ever, all-male brothel. Aye caramba!

Almost every dude I talk to says he wants to apply for a job there. Do y’all think I should break the news to ‘em that 99.9% of the customers at this “Dude Ranch” are gonna be other dudes and that the 0.1% of the customers that are women are gonna be hella nasty? Yeah, you’re right. Better they find out for themselves.

Maybe the "Fruit of the Boom" guy can get a job there after he gets outta jail, since his bomb didn’t go off and blow his junk to smithereens. Just a thought.

@:
:@

One for the Weekend

Well...the first weekend of the new decade is upon us. That deserves a rockin' song. Enjoy.



@:
:@

Double Jeopardy

You might have never heard of Tsutomu Yamaguchi. To some…he’s the luckiest man in the world. To others…the unluckiest man in the world. You see, Yamaguchi was the only certified survivor of the atomic bombings of both Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Talk about a pretty fucked up week. Aye caramba!

Yamaguchi died Tuesday. He was 93 years old. So, in his honor…a PTB haiku. Sleep well brother.

Kill men to save men.

BA-BOOM and the people die.

Were we really saved?

Twas death from above.

Where was God in all of this?

Spinning in His grave.

Death is the silence.

The cycle of violence.

Now they rest in peace.

War and death still live.

Have we learned from history?

Not a goddamned thing.

@:
:@