Why We Fight?

I thought I’d seen it all. Guess I was wrong. In a story today, buzzin’ ‘round Cyberia, it seems telescopic sights used by the U.S. Military…OUR U.S. military…are stamped with…get this…references to Bible verses. Aye caramba! A question to all my Christian brothers and sisters out there: What do you think JZeus would say about that? I’m guessin’ He’d be pretty pissed off. But what would I know?

A new study out says that the Silver State ranks dead last in the US in K-12 education. WTF is up with that? One of the categories “draggin’ down” our ranking…”students’ potential for success.” So, all y’all out there who graduated from or are gonna graduate from a Nevada high school…y’all better start practicing your speaking voice. There’s a gig waiting for ya at a drive-thru near you.

And finally…all weekend there were commercials running encouraging Americans to donate to the Haiti Relief Fund set up by the Red Cross. All you had to do was text a number and they’d add ten bucks to your phone bill. Pretty easy, neh? But what piqued my interest was the disclaimer” “calling and text charges will apply.” Gee thanks Verizon and Sprint and AT&T. An earthquake fusticates Haiti and y’all are turnin’ a profit on it. Nice.

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Pat That Ass

Poor fuckin’ Haiti. SHEESH. Talk about gettin’ kicked when you’re down. YOW! A couple of things are bothering me about this situation…

Did you know that when you make a Haiti relief donation with your credit card that American Express, Visa and Master card are gonna take three percent right off the top as a “transaction fee?” Aye caramba! A computer makes the money transfer automatically and these ass-wipes charge three percent. They’re gonna make millions off of this natural disaster. Those bourgie rat-bastard moneychangers have a special place in Hell waiting for ‘em. True dat.

Speaking of special places in Hell….Pat Robertson is in the news again. Now y’all might be sayin’ to yourselves, “Pat Robertson isn’t takin’ a dirt nap yet?” Nope. Robertson, yappin’ on his T.V. show, said that Haiti got popped by God because they’d made a deal with the Devil. WTF is up with that?

Question #1: Let’s say Pat Robertson is right (HAW!)…If Haiti made a deal with the Devil, why didn’t Beelzebub hold up His end of the bargain? If Robertson is right (another HAW!) how come the Invisible Man in the Sky didn’t pull a Sodom and Gomorah on ‘em?

And question #2: If Robertson is wrong (yeah…IF)…why aren’t all the REAL Christians in the world calling for his head on a platter? Robertson seems to open his lie-hole every time something bad happens and the only thing that comes out is hateful, bullshit. Hey Christians…your leader is flappin’ his yap again and makin’ y’all look like racist, xenophobic, hate-mongers. Problem is…y’all (or most of y’all, anyway) ARE hate-filled, petty and racist. You’re all just too blind to see it. Now you can imagine why Christians were burned at the stake and fed to the lions…y’all deserve it. Well, at least Pat Robertson does. Jzeus mush be spinning in His grave.

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Smooshed

So…Haiti got flattened like a pancake. YIKES! Question: Why is the Invisible Man in the Sky always pissin’ on poverty-stricken brown-skinnded brothers? Early estimates are between a hundred grand and a quarter million people D.O.A. If any of y’all have a deity, now’d be the time to give Him or Her a call.

So…Brit Hume thinks Tiger Woods needs more JZeus in his life. Hume says Christianity is the best religion in the world to get forgiveness for a wandering doodle. Must be. Just ask John “Able Semen” Ensign. The Britster has been taking flak for his comments and Bill O’Reilley has come to the rescue. I a column the other day, B.O. said that Hume has every right to “espouse what he believes.” True dat. But just as Brit Hume has the right to blather on about his religious beliefs, we have a right to point out what a douchebag he is.

And lastly…it seems China is pimpin’ kid’s jewelry that is made out of cadmium. You know cadmium…that’s the fucked up stuff that causes cancer. Seems China has been making the stuff and exporting it to us. Question: Why do we still buy this kind of crap from China? Oh yeah…so WalMart can keep their prices low. Thanks a fucking lot China.

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Lyin'-Assed Liar

So Fat Boy finally did it. Yup. Yesterday Mark “I’ve never used steroids” McGwire pulled a Charlie Hustle and copped to juicin’. Turns out he of the Popeye arms shot up more chemicals than that dude from Trainspotting. True dat. But I have a problem with the timing of the whole thing.

For years Big Mac denied drugging and he gave the frownin’ of a lifetime to anyone who thought differently. He was innocent and we were all out to get him. Turns out he was just another lyin-assed jock strap who thought he was above the rules. So now he fesses up. SHEESH!.

Could it be because he’s got a new gig as the St. Louis Cardinals’ hitting coach? Probably not. Could it be because his conscience finally got the better of him? HAW! No, I think the reason MM spilled his guts is that last week he got as many Hall of Fame votes as I did. Ya see, McGwire still thinks that no matter what illegal and immoral things he did, he deserves a place in the HOF. Poppycock!

Yo Mark…you cheated. You cheated and you played us all as fools. And now you think that a half-assed mea culpa is gonna get you some sympathy votes for the HOF? Never. You and your ilk almost destroyed the sport of baseball and no amount of crocodile tears will change the situation. Other people might forgive you. They’re better persons than I am. But to me Mr. McGwire, the only hall you should be inducted into is the Hall of Fuck Off and Slither Back Under the Rock You Came From. Ummm...is that a hall? The HOFOASBUTYCF.

BTW...I surely hope you get a call from the Justice Department soon. Lying to Congress will get you time in the Gray Bar Motel. True dat.

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