Why I Love Me Some Sad Songs

This is a perfect reflection of the mood I've been in lately. The band is The Kings of Leon. Thank JZeus' dad for inventing music. True dat.

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Snow Laughing matter

The Winter Olympics are only a couple of days away and that just warms the cockles of my hard. One big problem, though...no snow. Aye caramba! That's one of the reasons I keep tellin' people that bringin' the Winter-O's to the 775 is a bad idea. WTF happens if you throw a Winter Olympics and it doesn't snow? You become the laughingstock of the planet (replacing Djibouti) when you realize you've flushed millions of taxpayer's money down the proverbial poop chute. Good thing Vancouver is in Canada...they're Socialists anyway, so they don't mind their tax money bein' wasted on stupid stuff...like healthcare.

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State of the Fate

If you're looking for some outstanding unintentional comedy tonight, just tune in to Governor Jim Gibbons' State of the State address tonight. And while you're watching and wondering if the stick up his ass has a stick up it's ass remember, Governor Gibbons has sworn that he hasn't had sex with anyone (including his wife) since the 1990's. That surely explains a lot, neh?

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Money Don't Make No Man

We all know the economy is fucked up. But how can we fix it? No worries. Whether or not you're a saver or a spender, there's nothing better than a couple of cracker-assed crackers rappin' 'bout fiscal policy. High comedy indeed. Too bad politicians don't ever visit YouTube or PTB, neh?

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Fistianity

Here at PTB, I’ve never had a problem pointing out Christian hypocrisy. As a matter-of-fact, it’s one of my favorite pastimes. But I’ve gotta be honest, with chucklenuts out there like Pat Robertson and David Vitter and Nevada’s own John “Able Semen” Ensign, it’s kinda like shooting fish in a barrel…with a bazooka. ANYWAY…

I came across an article the other day that said some Evangelical Christians, thinkin’ that their churches have become too “feminized”, are turning to a unique way of getting the younger generation (especially men) back into their flocks. How? They’re pullin’ a Don King and they’re promoting MMA-style fighting! HAW! The goal, “is to inject some machismo into their ministries — and into the image of JZeus — in the hope of making Christianity more appealing.”

One of the big-time backers of the idea is Ryan Dobson. You know him as the son of James Dobson, founder of “Focus on the Family." Y’all remember FoF dontcha? FOF is the homophobic, xenophobic, fearmongering, cracker-assed-crackers behind politicians like Mike Huckabee and Caribou Barbie and behind the “We need a Constitutional Amendment to protect marriage” bullshit. Think of ‘em as Bible-totin’ teabaggers. What gets me about this is that, IMHO, fighting is the last thing Christians should do, right?

So, I referred to the Christian part of my Bible (the New Testament) and wondered what JZeus might say about this shit.

Matthew 5:38…”Turn the other cheek.”

Luke 6:27…”Treat others as you would have them treat you.”

Mark 14:43…”All who take the sword die by the sword.”

So here’s the crux of today’s biscuit…Evangelical Christians in America today are about as Christ-like as a bag of doorknobs. They wouldn’t know the teachings of Christ if they bit ‘em on their collective asses. No, the SOG wouldn’t have endorsed MMA-style fighting to attract younger men Catholic priests? That’s a whole different story. I’ll bet that right now, JZeus is spinning in His grave but I'll bet it makes the Westboro Baptist Church proud as punch. Pun intended.

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Waste to Space

If you’ve been here to PTB more than once, you know I truly do love me some NASA. Heck-fire, growin’ up, I wanted to be an astronaut worse than life itself. Then I found out that there were no aliens who looked like Captain Kirk’s booty calls. That pretty much ended my spacefaring career. That and all the math and science stuff. YIKES! But it was still kind of a shock when Barry-O hacked a butt-load of money out of the USo’A, Inc.’s space budget. Go figure.

Here’s the crux of the biscuit…if we don’t have the millions of dollars to help American citizens out of their financial pain and medical suffering, why should a Christian nation spend that money goin’ into space? Funny thing is…the chucklenuts gnashing teeth and rending garments over this are the same ones who call Chocolate Elvis a socialist. By telling private corporations they need to step up and taking government money away from spaceflight, he’s doing the exact opposite of what a socialist would do. Bet you’ll never hear the teabaggers admit to that. True story.

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Baby Get Back

It’s a story that is pretty creepy once you really think about it. Ten Baptists were busted in Haiti over the weekend when they were caught trying to smuggle kids out of the country. The Baptists say they were “only trying to rescue abandoned children from the disaster zone.” Haitian police think differently. The Baptists had no paperwork and no permission to transport the kids out of the earthquake-ravaged country. Isn’t it funny how the more “Christian” you purport to be, the less Christian you act? I’m talkin’ to you Senator John “Pants on the Floor” Ensign. SHEESH! One thing I’ve gotta say…no matter how fucked up it is to be in Haiti right now…it’s still better than bein’ a Baptist. True dat.

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WTgiF

So…the story says Liz Edwards is kickin’ ole Johnny boy to the curb. Thanks Captain Obvious. She shoulda done it a long time ago....or, at least, pulled a Lorena Bobbitt on his dumb ass. Do ya think the soon-to-be ex-Mrs Edwards would be interested in rebound sex? Gotta look her up on Facebook. Yup.

Another story in the news today says that only one penny of every dollar given for Haitian earthquake relief is given to the Haitian government. Good. Those rat-bastards woulda just spent it on themselves. Always have. That’s why Haiti is in the messed up situation it’s in right now (earthquake notwithstanding). But here’s my question: Out of that dollar…thirty three cents goes to the US military. WTF? Don’t we already pay for GI Joe? Fuckin’-A…thirty-three cents goes to our own military and nine cents goes to feed starving Haitians. SNAFU.

The ACORN pimp got busted earlier in the week for tryin’ to Watergate Senator Mary Landrieu’s office. His lawyer says that it was just a prank and he’s just a kid. How come when a right-wing nutcase does something wrong, it’s a “prank” and when some lefty does something wrong it’s a symptom of Obama’s Socialist Regime. Aye caramba!

And finally…today is National Puzzle Day. HUZZAH! So I’m gonna try to solve this puzzle. Yesterday on Faux News, Rudy-In-The-Booty said that the ‘Bamer was a pussy ‘cause he didn’t use the word “war” in the SOTU addy. Problem is, Barry-O used the word “war” at least eight times by my count. The puzzle? WTF is Rudy Guliliani still doin’ on TV and why does Faux News let him spout crap outta his lie-hole? One can only guess.

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