Girls Gone Wild

All y’all who’ve read PTB throughout the years know we surely do love the ladies. They’re smart and curvy and, for the most part, smell great. Long-timers will also note that there’s no love lost between PTB and the Catholic Church.

Now, it’s been posited here before that religion, by its nature, is a bunch of hypocritical bullshit. The douchebags with all the power make rules for the rest of us while they do whatever in the hell they want. You listening to me John “Able Semen” Ensign? That being said, this weekend the Catholic Church set a new low. I know what you’re sayin’, “Catholics can hit a new low?” Yup.

Last week, the Vatican announced…wait for it…wait for it…the Vatican announced that ordaining female priests was as bad as pedophilia. Aye caramba! Are they serious about this? Can they really believe that letting a woman become a priest is the equivalent sin of anally raping an eight year old boy? Has the Vatican lost its collective marbles?

Here’s the crux of the biscuit…as long as religions focus on all the things people are not allowed to do, rather than preach what people should do, they’ll soon be on a path to Bolivia. Since the beginning, religions have been dividing people rather than uniting them. Maybe now they’re getting so divisive that no one will want to be a part of it. And JZeus spins in His grave.

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Third Degree

When I was growin’ up, breaking the Third Commandment got you a Lifebouy dinner date. True story. I never understood why anyone would give a schnizzle when I said, “God damn.” It’s not like JZeus’ Dad was gonna actually damn what the hell I wanted Him to damn. And, after all, if sticks and stones can break my bones but words would never hurt me, why would the Invisible Man in the Sky get bent out of shape over a couple of words?

Later in life, a smart man explained to me that saying God damn wasn’t taking the Lord’s name in vain but saying God told you to do something, was. Now the Third Commandment is my favorite of all the Commandments. Why? Because people can lie to me but they cannot lie to themselves and no, God Didn’t tell them to do ANYTHING! But that doesn’t stop athletes from thanking God for letting them win the big one…or actors thanking God for letting them win a Grammy…or soldiers thanking God for stopping a bullet. The latest to claim Divine intervention? Nevada’s own Sharron Angle.

Last week, the wannabe U.S. Senator from the great state of Nevada said that she’s running against Harry Reid because that’s what God has planned for her. Really? God hates Harry Reid? God is a closet Teabagger? Don’t you think if God wanted Social Security and Medicare dismantled, He could do it Himself? And why Sharron Angle? Why not just talk to the guy that is already in there? Does God think Senator Reid is incompetent? If so, why doesn’t He just zap Reid with a lightning bolt, or give him the plague or, even worse, haunt him with images of Sharron Angle? You know why? Because none of it is true. God didn’t tell Sharron Angle to run for the senate any more than he told voters to give a Grammy to Milli Vanilli. No, Sharron Angle is using God as a supernatural endorsement thinking Nevadans will believe she’s the candidate God wants in office. Maybe God wants her in office, here’s hoping Nevadan’s don’t.

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Singing in the Lame

So, last night I’m watchin’ Spain hand a beatdown to Die Mannschaft, (which, IMHO, is the single most homo-erotic nickname on the planet)…when the Brit announcer starts blathering on about the political turmoil on the Spanish side. He rambled about rivalries between players and how the caustic atmosphere in the locker room would be the doom of the Furia. Then he used an example that had me skidmarking my Underoos. He mentioned that during this entire World Cup he hadn’t seen one player on the Spanish team sing the country’s national anthem. That was his rationale for why the team had been so dysfunctional.

Now, a lot of players (in all sports) don’t sing their national anthem. It could be because they’re athletes and not American Idols. It could be that they are too busy focusing on the game. Heck-fire, it could be that some of the brotherhubbards don’t know the lyrics to the friggin’ song…all valid excuses. But could hate and anger and animosity be behind Spain’s lack of patriotism? No. You see, out of all the national anthems in the world…wait for it…wait for it…Spain’s national anthem is one of the few WITHOUT WORDS! Those poor bastards couldn’t sing to their national anthem if they wanted to. Well, maybe they could go commando karaoke and make up their own lyrics but that’d be a bit presumptuous. No, during the Spanish national anthem, the whole country stands…and no one sings…been that way forever. Now, if someone would just tell the Brits.

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Goal Mouth

Goal Mouth noun

Goal Mouth is a malady suffered by soccer fans and is characterized by sore jaw, stiff tongue and raspy throat.

When there is a close shot, or an acrobatic save or, especially, a goal scored, fans go crazy. They abruptly open their mouths which strains the mandible. The noise made, harshens the vocal chords and the back of the throat. The ululation of the sound constantly strains the tongue muscle, resulting in Goal Mouth.

“I sure will be glad when this World Cup is over. I’ve had Goal Mouth for more than three weeks.”

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One Less Fan of Die Mannschaft

Who Let the Air Out?

During the Presidential campaign of 2008, then-candidate Barry-O told the unwashed masses that a good way to save money on gas and car repair was to make sure you checked the pressure in your tires. He had a valid point but the tighty-righties blew a proverbial gasket.

“Obama’s energy policy is naïve!” “No tire pressure for oil!” and “Democrats are full of hot air!” screamed the VPILFs and McCains and Boners. They even distributed tire pressure gauges emblazoned with “Obama’s Energy Plan.” Problem was, Chocolate Elvis was right and the right was wrong. Fast forward to today…

A Nevada legislative subcommittee is recommending a law that would require mechanics to check their customer’s tire pressure. The reason being, it saves gas, creates less wear and tear on vehicles and pollutes less. Good idea, right? Not to some Nevadans. In the comment section of the RGJ story, there was pissing and moaning and hand wringing and gnashing of teeth and rending of garments. “Keep the government out of my tires” and “It’s the next step toward socialism” and “What will they mandate next? Prostate exams?” State Senator Heidi Gansert (R) said it is a “personal responsibility issue.” Really? Here’s the crux of today’s biscuit…

First of all, it wouldn’t cost a penny for a mechanic to check your tire pressure while you car is already in the shop. Secondly, having the correct tire pressure really does work. Less pollution, more gas mileage…hell, I’m all for that. But two things chapped my ass reading this story.

One was the thought on personal responsibility. Ya know, it’s the Government’s responsibility to help keep us safe. Does Ms. Gansert want us to abolish the FDA and let us take personal responsibility to make sure there isn’t any poison in our food? Or maybe close the EPA so we can take it upon ourselves to check for lead in our Chinese-made toys? Shut down the military so we can defend ourselves against the bad guys? Aye caramba! Right-wing nutcases at their best. But let me ask something of the Teabagging, uneducated, Limbaugh-loving, rednecks that populate the 775...

I understand y’all say you’re for smaller government. Fewer regulations, less taxation, more freedom…so why do you support the government telling women they cannot get an abortion? Why do you insist on the government sponsoring the biggest navy, the biggest army and the biggest air force in the world? Why in the hell, if you are for smaller government, do you want the Feds to send troops to the Mexican border to fight illegal immigration and to the Gulf of Mexico to help clean up BP’s clusterfuck? Why in the hell do you insist that it’s O.K. for the Feds to tap your phone and your computer? Why? Because you are small-minded, xenophobic, hypocritical, cracker-assed crackers and you only want the government to stop people from doing things you disapprove of. FUCK YOU!!! the sooner you go back to wherever the hell you came from, the better.

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