Republicans Protecting America

Pointing out republican folly is easier than losing the remote control. Remember Governor Bobby Jindal pooh-poohing "volcano monitoring" after the 'Bamer's pseudo State of the Union Address? We do. So, since everyone is peeing their pants over this "pigdemic" we'll keep on topic. Sad thing is, Senator Collins is quite the SILF. After seeing this, we're gonna have to re-think that position.


(8.-)

Pig Out

Doesn’t it seem that we’re overreacting just a bit to this sick pig business? C’mon guys, let’s get realistic here. More than 20,000 Americans die every year from the friggin’ regular flu but you don’t see Homeland Security goin all BSC ‘cause o’ that, do ya? Maybe they’ll make one of those color-coded threat charts for cold and flu season. “OMG! Swine flu outbreak! Raise the threat level to periwinkle!”


It’s time to chill the hell out. It seems that the last eight years of Bush-Wipe politics has the whole country scared shitless at the tiniest thing. Do we really need all this gnashing of teeth and rending of garments over the anticipation of a pandemic?

One interesting thing to come out of all this…the Muslims sure are happy. Figurin’ this outbreak started in Mexico, the tighty-righties are clamoring for the U.S. to close the border and start deporting Mexicans. It’ll take at least six months before Muslims get back to the top of the haters’shit- list.



BTW…you think WE’RE freakin’ out? The government of Egypt has ordered every pig in the entire country to be killed. 300,000 Egyptian pigs takin' a dirt nap. And they don’t even have one reported case of swine flu. Aye Caramba! We’ll expect the Egyptians to follow suit the next time someone gets bird flu, mad cow disease or chickenpox. But it’ll really get BSC if the motherhubbards do the same thing for their first reported case of Lyme disease.




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Swine Flu. Pigs Fly?

“Sewer rat might taste like pumpkin pie, but I’d never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker.” Samuel L. Jackson as Jules Winnfield – Pulp Fiction.




Swine flu…swine flu…swine flu…BoogityBoogityBoogity! Talk about the pussification of America. Do y’all really think we need Homeland Security on this one? C’mon now…more people died yesterday in Oakland from gunshots than have died across the whole USo’A the last decade from swine flu. We’re skidmarking our collective Underoos over this bull-oney? Hell, after hearing the news that this outbreak originated in Mexico, Lou Dobbs’ head exploded like a watermelon in a microwave. BOOM! Goes the dynamite. Damn, people are walking around in surgical masks makin’ ‘em all look like a bunch of rejected extras from the movie Outbreak.



There is good news to all this, though. We found a couple of facts about swine flu that y’all would be hard-pressed to find anywhere else:


-- Swine flu doesn’t come from regular pigs. Swine flu comes from Guinea Pigs, natives of Guinea-Bissau, Papua New Guinea and Porklahoma.


-- There are pills you can take to prevent you from getting’ the nasty li’l bug. Problem is, there are side effects. When you take Pigcedrin, Pig-to-Bismol or StyQuil…the side effects may include: Fluctuating Ass Crack, Jowl Booty, Armpit Lint, Smoking Penis Syndrome, Uncontrollable Breastulations, Re-detached Etnas, Bloviating Pie-Hole and Poopy Diaper.



One last thing to remember, y’all – No matter how bad this swine flu thingy gets…it’ll never be as bad as Captain Trips.



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Elbow Room

We're figurin', that when we finally move out of the 'rent's basement and get a non-blogging job, we're gonna get ourselves a girlfriend. Here's hoping this girl is the one!

Acapulco?

Sure be glad this depressing week is over. Torture. Trash. Teabagging. Fascists. Fags. It won't be any better on Monday but at least we've got the weekend to drown our sorrows. Problem is, our sorrows have gills. The least we can do is leave y'all with some rippin' tuneage. Enjoy.


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Thursday Thought Burbles

Senator John Ensign cracked his lie-hole yesterday defending Jay Bybee. Y’all know Bybee? He’s the Bush-Wipe lawyer that wrote the memo saying, among other things, that waterboarding isn’t torture. YIKES! Senator Ensign is a veterinarian by trade so he should know bullshit when he sees it. Apparently not. Let’s try something Senator…next time you’re here in the 775, stop on by the basement and we’ll try a little “enhanced interrogation” on you. Bet you change your mind. Heck-fire…while you’re here, we’ll show you how “teabagging” really works.

The City of Reno is paying a California company 30G’s to find the new city manager. We ask this question on a regular basis: Isn’t there a company here in the 775 that could do the job? The problem with hiring a Cali for the gig is that they’ll get someone in here that doesn’t know the difference between Mill Street and Mills Lane. It’s sad to see what little regard bourgie motherhubbards have toward the citizens of the 775.

Athletes at the University of Nevada are racking up some pretty impressive stats. No, not the kind you get playing sports…the kind you get when you run afoul of John Law. The Wolf Pack wants so badly to compete with the big boys on the field. While that’s never gonna happen, at least they can compete with the big boys when it comes to athletes spendin’ time at the Gray Bar Motel.

And finally…officials in the Rail City announced the new stores coming to the Legends at Sparks Marina. There are a couple of shoe stores, more than a couple of restaurants and a few other miscellaneous strip mall-type stores. The quote is that LaSM will create 700 jobs. Forgive us for not applauding. We know times are tough but do we really need another 700 people making minimum wage? This is the economic benefit we were promised? The only people to benefit from this type of urban sprawl are developers and crooked politicians. "We need more "Special Sauce"...Quick, put the mayonnaise in the sun!"


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Crapulence

It’s a special time of year for us here at PTB…Earth Day. The one day of the year that Americans try to assuage their guilt for driving terrorist Hummers, poppin’ innocents with depleted uranium ammo and basically crapping all over the planet.



Yep, every April 22nd, our thoughts drift to an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. No, not the Hawaii, or Tahiti, or Rapa Nui-type island. We’re talkin’ ‘bout an island, twice the size of Texas that you won’t find in any travel brochure. That’s because made out of plastic garbage. It’s called the Pacific Trash Vortex and it floats right between California and Hawaii. Not only is the PTV icky-gross, it’s lethal.



See, plastic isn’t biodegradable. That means when the crap in the PTV breaks down, it stays…well…plastic. Once the particles break down small enough, all sorts of critters gobble ‘em up. It’s the marine animal equivalent of eating lead paint chips. So, all sorts of animals die from ingesting PTV-related crap. The ones that don’t carry the poison around in their systems ‘til they get eaten – either by other animals or by human animals.




So, on that note, Happy Earth Day! And if you’ve ever wondered why your tuna sandwich, your lobster Newberg or your escargot milkshake has that funky taste…you’ll know why.



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Fascist Food Nation

It’s true…Republicans have officially become the party of Beavis and Butthead. During the campaign, tighty-righties called Barry-O everything from a communist to a socialist. Boogityboogityboogity! Anyone with half a brain pan or access to the Google can do a little research and find out it was all bullshit. No substance, no facts to back up their claims, just name calling. Boogityboogityboogity! So it’s no surprise that there’s a brand new buzzword for the tin foil hat crowd – FASCIST! Boogityboogityboogity!

From Merriam Webster: Fascism: (noun) A political philosophy that exalts nation and often stands for centralized, autocratic, often militaristic government.

From Wikipedia: Fascists advocate the creation of a single-party state. They believe that nations and races are in perpetual conflict whereby only the strong can survive by…asserting themselves in combat against the weak. Fascist governments forbid and suppress criticism and opposition to the government. Fascism opposes class conflict and blames capitalist liberal democracies for creating class conflict and in turn blames communists for exploiting class conflict.

After reading the above definitions, we came to the conclusion that the ‘Bamer and his policies are not fascist. But those policies did remind us of someone else. Hmmm…



Single party state: Remember Karl Rove saying Republicans would rule the Uso’A for a hundred years? We do.


Assertion by combat against the weak: After 9/11, what’d we do? War with Iraq 2.0. Ummm…didn’t we kick their asses into bolivia back in the early ‘90’s? Yup.


Forbid and suppress criticism against the government: Remember flag pins and when Chimp-Dick said, “You’re either with us or against us.” We remember that too.




You see…we were living under a fascist regime for eight years thanks to the Bush-Wipes. They did things their way and rolled the country right over a cliff. Now that they’re out of power, they wanna re-write history to paint progressives as being the fascists. Believe this…when a republican runs for office and tells you he wants to help you and that he loves America…he’s lying…and a fascist.




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Don't Fear the Queer

Well, it’s been more than a week since Iowans decided that gay marriage was legal and in seven short days, GLBT peoples will be allowed to get hitched. So, we’ve got a question for the Westboro Baptist Church:



Hey, guys…WTF happened to Jzeus’ Dad? If you don’t know who the WBC is, they’re the BSC motherhubbards that swear on their bibles that “God Hates Fags.” Seriously, that’s what they believe. But words ring hollow peoples. We wanna see some action. Now, the WBCers are probably out and about, protesting at some poor bastard’s funeral but y’all had better light a fire underneath the Big Guy. The longer the Invisible Man in the Sky waits to punish Iowa (and Iowans) the less likely anyone is to believe in what the WBC is sayin’.



Look, we’re not askin’ for much. A plague would be pretty cool. Pestilence? We can dig that too. Or maybe a famine. That’d hit those gay-lovin’ Iowans right below their corn belts. That’s the kind of Godly retribution the WBC predicts and that’s the kind of fire and brimstone we’re lookin’ for. After all, it’s only Iowa.



So whadda you waitin’ for WBCers? Get on the horn to Burning Bush Man and tell him to get busy on this one. It’s not like he anything better to do.



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Big Fun With Big Pun

This track has always been one of our favorite summer songs. Yeah, yeah we know it’s not summer yet but check it: For the last two days here in the 775 it’s been cold, and rainy, and windy, and friggin’ snowing! It’s summer in our world, though. This afternoon the temps are shootin’ to the 70’s and tonight the Reno Aces Baseball Club are gonna de-flower a new downtown stadium. YEE HAW!




So kick back and enjoy this weekend vid. You’ll see why Puerto Rican women are among the most beautiful in the world. Swear to God, if we ever get enough money to move out of our parent’s basement, we’re gonna go down and live in the PR…not that we’d ever have a chance with the Chicas but we can always dream.



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Why WE Fight

A lot of our friends on the right side of the aisle read PTB and call us “Commie-Pinko Socialists.” Our friends on the left side of the aisle read PTB and call us fascist. Actually, it’s neither. What we try to do here, is find the right in all the wrongs and point ‘em both out. Today, however, it’s just the wrong.

We can all agree…

Hitler was a prick…

Saddam Hussein was a prick with a slightly bigger porn 'stache…

Manuel Noriega was a fat prick with bad skin…

And Agusto Pinochet was a South American prick extraordinaire.

What does that have to do with us?



The ‘Bamer’s Administration announced today that they’re not gonna prosecute CIA agents involved in torturing captives at Gitmo. WTF is up with that? It used to be that the USo’A had the moral high ground to pronounce judgments on rat-bastards like Hitler et al., but not anymore. Now we’ve joined the ranks of the pricks too because America TORTURES people!



Now, before y’all go red white and blue in the face about this, just think of this…


Many Americans consider this a “Christian” nation (mostly our Christians but that’s the crux of a different biscuit). What we’re getting at is this: If America is indeed a Christian nation, WTF are we doing torturing people? Although a better question might be…Does the Invisible Man in the Sky condone torture? No, he doesn’t. But America tortures and lets the perps get away with it. That kind of attitude makes us just the same as the bat-shit crazy motherhubbards mentioned above. Christian nation? Hell no. And every time someone says we are, JZeus starts spinning in His grave.



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Gilbert, Gibbons and the Green Door

Local boxer turned lawyer Joey Gilbert says he wants to be a State Senator. Some people are concerned about his lack of experience and that he’d only get elected through name recognition. We say, “Go for it.” Gilbert would be a great Republican State Senator. Why? He’s a lying cheater who was suspended from boxing for having more drugs in his system than Cheech and Chong. Oh yeah…AND he has a very wide stance. Yup…Joey Gilbert…Republican to the core.



Governor Jim Gibbons should just STFU when it comes to marriage. Yesterday GJG said he wouldn’t sign a bill allowing employers to give domestic partners the same benefits that traditional couples get. Yo Guv…taking marriage advice from you is like taking marriage advice from a Catholic priest. Neither of y’all know the first friggin’ thing about marriage. BTW…yo Dawn Gibbons…we’re still waiting for your call. Remember…rebound sex is the best!



Speaking of sex…Marilyn Chambers sleeps with the fishes. For decades the Ivory Snow and Behind the Green Door star kept many a young boy contented and warm. Compared to the plastic-tittied, Botox-injected, tramp-stamped porn skanks today, she was a goddess! We would say we’re gonna miss her but we have every movie she’s ever made so she’ll be with us a long time. Here’s wankin’ to you Marilyn!




(8.-)

YES WE CAN!

It’s not often that one of us regular folk rubs a butt on the “cute and fuzzy bunnies”. But Susan Boyle did just that. With her as a role model, a bunch of basement-dwelling, troglodyte blog wimps (like us) now have hope.


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No News is Bad News

It’s no secret that the dead tree versions of newspapers are in trouble. Readership has been on the downslide for quite some time. Maybe it’s ‘cause the government-cheese has cut so much from the education budget that there aren’t many folks out there who even know how to read anymore. But that’s the crux of another biscuit.



To regain revenue and readership, newspaper editors and publishers are pulling out all the stops. Over the weekend, the RGJ announced two big changes. The first was the return of Corey Farley. If y’all don’t remember Corey Farley, his column was a lot like PTB except he never cursed, he never threatened bodily harm and he never used the word “motherhubbards.” Aside from that…he’s pretty close. Here’s hoping Farley still has his biting commentary. Our thought is that corporate douchebags will keep him watered down so as not to cheese off the few advertisers still spending money on newspapers. Good writing sells newspapers…great writing scares the bejeezus out of advertisers. Only time will tell.



The second new doohickey unveiled at the RGJ is the “Sunday Good News Edition.” To that we said, “Aye Caramba!” The powers that be at the RGJ must’ve figured that a butt-load of feel-good stories would sell product. That may be so but we’re not buying into it. Why? Well, to be honest, misery loves company. Hell, for us here at PTB, misery is less like company and more like family.



With all the crap going on in the world with wars and the economy and terrorists and BSC motherhubbards and myriad other problems, we’d feel disingenuous turning our attention to “softer” stories. Who wants to read about Grandma Myrtle turning 100 years old when the poop is hitting the propeller all around us? Death, destruction and mayhem on a daily basis are stark reminders that there’s a lot of work still to be done. So keep on coming back here to PTB for your daily dose of depressing reality. We’ll keep up the pissin’ and moanin’ and complainin’ and leave the good news to the RGJ. Good luck with that.



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Rubbers and Biscuits

Just a quick Friday video to remind y'all to be safe out there this weekend!


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Hats Off

A student at North Valleys High School sued the Washoe County School District because she was being harassed by classmates for wearing her Islamic do-rag. She dropped out because of the threats and then sued the district. She was awarded almost a half a million dollars. Question: If getting picked on ‘cause of your religion gets you a half a mil…whadda you think some booger eatin’ spaz is gonna get because the kids made fun of his non-existent kickball skills?



Pirates take over an American cargo ship off the coast of Somalia. The U.S. government sends one navy vessel and a boatload of FBI guys to “monitor the situation.” You can call it piracy if you want but it’s terrorism pure and simple. Question: Since when does the United States negotiate with terrorists? Why not roll up with the USS Abraham Lincoln and blow the motherhubbards into Bolivia? Just askin'.



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Ace Holes

Ten days away from the inaugural season of the Reno Aces AAA baseball team and the bobbleheads in charge still don’t have a clue. Aye Caramba!


Matt “the Carson Crusher” Williams, arguably the most famous baseball player to come out of the 775, was supposed to throw out the first pitch on opening day. Not anymore. Nope. Williams will be at Pac Bell Park doing a television gig. WTF is up with that? Guesting on a CSN broadcast is more important than representing your homies on opening day? Whether it’s Williams’ fault or the Diamondbacks’ fault…we’re still getting hosed. Rumor has it Reno Mayor Bob Cashell is gonna do the honors now. Wanna know what’s gonna happen? Instead of throwing out the first pitch, BCash is gonna sell the ball to the developer offering the most money. Then he’ll try to build a housing development on it.



Speaking of Mayor Cashell…seems the doddering old fool has just now realized that there are quite a few homeless people in close proximity to the new stadium. And now he wants ‘em moved out of sight and out of mind. SHEESH! WTF have you been doing for the last year Mr. Mayor? Did this just now come to your attention or did you think you could keep it a secret? Wonder how the downtown baseball experience is gonna be for families having to walk through the hobos and the crack ho’s and the winos to get to the game? “Look mommie, that creepy old drunk is waving his doodle at us!” BobCash and his cronies cannot be out of office soon enough.



And finally…have you looked at the weather outside lately? It’s so fucking windy and cold out there that yesterday we saw a flock of penguins huddled around a space heater. Back in the day, the San Francisco Giants played ball at Candlestick Park. Everyone hated it ‘cause the wind only stopped blowing long enough for it to start raining and snowing. Players and fans alike HATED the place. Do you think it’s gonna be any better here in the 775? No way. Anyone living here for a spell can remember it snowing on the Fourth of July. Brrrrr! How many butts are gonna be in seats when that happens? Not nearly enough. So enjoy baseball here in town while you can folks. It won’t be here for long. Then we can go back to our summer of skiing and ice skating.

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Like This and Like That

Wow, another chapter in the fiasco that is the marriage of Governor Jim and Dawn Gibbons. Every time a new story comes out about these two, it seems more fitting for the Jerry Springer Show than major metropolitan newspapers. What we don’t understand is that GJG says he’s gonna run for a second term in the State House. Huevos rancheros bro. The chances of him winning reelection are the same as our chances of getting’ some rebound poontang from Mrs. G. Yo Dawn…you know where we are, give us a holler! We can always hope, can’t we?

Defense Secretary Robert Gates says he wants to cut a bunch of unnecessary weapons systems from the Pentagon’s budget. You can bet the tighty-righties all over are getting’ their Underoos in a bunch over that one. The thing is…he’s right to do it. We’ve said it here before – WTF good is another aircraft carrier, a bunch of F-22’s or a missile defense system in fightin’ the terrorists? NONE! The only people these humongous military projects benefit are defense contractors. Anyone remember Ike’s warning about the “military-industrial complex"? We do.

There’s no getting around the fact that Guy Felton likes to cheese-off politicians. He’s been doin’ it for years. Now comes the twist. Felton has been sending some pretty nasty e-mails to Washoe County Commissioner David Humke. No, not the kinds that promise one pill that can enlarge your breasts and penis while growing you a full head of hair. Felton blasted off a couple of tirades threatening to bust some ass and that’s where Reno 911 stepped in. The PoPo arrested Felton and charged him with harassment and stalking. Here’s our beef with this one: There’s a little thingy on e-mail accounts that lets you block certain senders. So, why didn’t Humke just block Felton’s e-mail addy? Our thought is that Felton is such a turd in the Commission’s punch bowl that they wanted him tossed in the hoosegow. Question. Is that how elected officials in the 775 treat dissent? Wow, maybe America is turning into a socialist nation. Note to the Washoe County Commission: When you vote on projects, you never seem to think about the people of Northern Nevada. Why give a shit when you get an e-mail from one of ‘us?

And finally…yesterday, Vermont became the fourth state (behind Connecticut, Massachusetts and Iowa) to legalize gay marriage. That sound you hear? It’s not JZeus’ Dad making the sinners pay. It’s not the Lord’s fury unleashed at this “abomination” like Jerry Falwell would like you to believe. As far as we can tell, the Invisible Man in the Sky has been quite mum on the subject. No, that sound you hear is the collective sphincters of all the religious nut-jobs, homophobes and bible thumpers tightening to the point of rupture. Sorry guys…you lose.

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Back in Black

Huzzah! For the first time in recent memory, the University of Nevada athletic department made the right call – they promoted assistant coach David Carter to replace departing head basketball coach Mark Fox. Aye Caramba! Now we’ll have to change Nevada’s nickname from “The Whitest University West of Utah” to “See…We’ve Got One Brown-Skinded Brother on Staff!” Anyway…


We wish coach Carter and the Wolf Pack all the best in the upcoming seasons. We’ve got a sneaking hunch that they’re gonna rub a butt on the record books. However, we do wanna point out a couple of things to look for now that Nevada basketball has a new head coach…did we mention he’s BLACK?



Firstly, cheerleaders will no longer be able to ride the bus with the team to away games. This will prevent Reno-911 from arresting coach Carter for violating the Mann Act.



Nevada will finally have to change their archaic pre-game music mix. Deleted? “Welcome to the Jungle.” Added? “Play that Funky Music White Boy.”



And finally…we’re gonna re-name Nevada’s mascot. “Alphie” sounds like the little kid that always got atomic wedgies in junior high school. From now on, the Nevada mascot will have a different name. His new nom de plume? “Hoop Doggy Dogg.”




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Future Schlock

Back in the day, mags like Popular Mechanics promised us things like the cure for cancer, moon bases and realistic 3D porn. Well, at least they got the porn-thingy right. Personally, we'd rather have the moon bases...and women with those AWESOMELY mauve wigs. Aye Caramba!


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Rush N Roulette

Not wanting to pay the taxes NYC thinks are his fair share, radio behemoth Rush Limbaugh says he’s lookin’ for new digs. He said he wants to move to a state with no income taxes like Texas or Florida. Well Rush…we’re gonna give you several of our good reasons to skip the Lone Star and Sunshine states and get your behind up here to the Silver State.



6. The 775 voted overwhelmingly for George W. Bush…THREE TIMES!



5. You can smoke that nasty-assed, stinky, donkey penis looking stogie anywhere you want!



4. You can see Nancy Pelosi’s house from Lake Tahoe.



3. You’ll feel right at home with all the hot air at the Great Reno Balloon Races.



2. The dry air and high altitude here in the 775 will help you with your “glandular” problem.



1. The doctors up here in the 775 will write you an under-the-table ‘scrip if you do a pole dance for ‘em.




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Limit-Less

Back in the 1990’s when the lunatic fringe swept into power, Newt Gingrich and his ilk came up with a load of crap called the “Contract With America.” One of the ideas in the contract was that of term limits. When we heard the words coming out of the Newtster’s lie-hole, our collective sphincters tightened so much you coulda put a lump of coal up our asses and we’d have shat diamonds…but that’s the crux of another biscuit.



Tighty-righties from coast to coast preached to a lethargic U.S. public about term limits and Americans bought it hook, line and sinker. Next thing you know, state after state (including Nevada) passed some form of term limits. We yelled. We cursed the heavens. We pointed out that we already had term limits – don’t like the politician? Vote the rat-bastard out of office! Alas, like most of our rants, no one listened.



But now, Senator Maurice Washington, a REPUBLICAN, wants to repeal the law on term limits. Why the change of heart? Right wing nut jobs nowadays are as popular as turd sandwiches. They’re not just worried that they’re losing votes, they’re worried that they might never win another election. Ever. So here’s the point we wanna make to Senator MoMo: If term limits are bad, why’d your party support them in the first place? Two elections in a row, a majority of Nevadans voted for term limits and now you wanna circumvent that process? Tell you what…you’re gonna be workin’ at the drive-thru pretty soon anyway ‘cause of those term limits. Why don’t you STFU and get down to business on the serious issues facing Nevada. Term limits aren’t one of ‘em.




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