Wedding Bell BooFoos

Heard a lady today on the news protesting Californication’s new Gay Marriage Law. She was pretty cheesed-off about it. She said that there have been more earthquakes, more floods and more tornadoes now than ever before ‘cause God is cursing America for letting the queer-folks get hitched. Interesting.

Here at PTB we get a kick out of people who say they have an open line to God’s brain. We call ‘em like we see ‘em…they’re all crackpots. Think about it…the Bible says if you have the faith of a mustard seed, nothing will be impossible to you. And if you’re on a one-on-one basis with the Big Kahuna…you’ve got yourself some big-time faith. So why do these mustard seed-heads just stop people from being...you know...gay? ‘Cause they’re all full of that malarkey stuff.

We’ve got a couple of questions: If the Invisible Man in the Sky is putting the noonan on the USofA for allowing gay marriage, why isn’t he pissed off about gay sex? What about other countries where gay marriage is allowed? Hear about any earthquakes or tornadoes in The Netherlands lately? No.

The crux of our biscuit is simple…if God thought being gay was such a big deal, he woulda scratched another rule into Moses’ rocks. But he didn’t. If being gay, having gay sex or being married and gay didn’t make the good Lord’s top ten list, it shouldn’t make yours. Tell you what lady…go grab your bible, re-read the Ten Commandments and then turn your anger toward the liars, cheaters and killers out there. then we’ll see how big your mustard seed is.

(8.-)

He Doesn't Know Dick

Dr. Evil has been in the news a lot lately. Funny thing coming from the brotherhubbard that had Google Earth blur out his house for eight years. But like it or not, Dick Cheney is flappin’ his lie-hole and the whole world seems to be listening.

Yesterday, the former Veep took to the airwaves to…get this…defend gay marriage. Aye caramba! WTF did that come from? While he does have a gay daughter, Dick and his compatriots in the Bush administration never were the types to embrace those “afflicted with the Gay.” Guess times they are a changin’. But not that much. You see, Cheney had a caveat to his assertion that gay peeps should be allowed to get hitched. He said that marriage is, and always has been a state issue. "And I think that's the way it ought to be handled today, that is, on a state-by-state basis.” And that’s why Dick Cheney, in our humble opinion, is dumber than a sack of doorknobs.

It wasn’t that long ago that blacks couldn’t get married in certain states ‘cause they were considered “property.” An even shorter time ago, blacks and whites were not allowed to get married to each other in certain states because some racist rat-bastards thought it was immoral. Hell, if Alabama, Mississippi and the rest of the redneck, huckleberry states had their way, blacks still wouldn’t be allowed to marry.

No Dick…gay marriage shouldn’t be decided willy-nilly on the whim of some cracker-ass government-cheese dick in a state where the most common kinfolk is “Uncle-Dad.” This is America. We’re not supposed to roll like that. So we’re gonna toss you a soft one. Remember the Declaration of Independence?

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.”

That’s right Dick. Straight from the pen of TJ hisself. ALL men are created equal…that includes the men who like men, women who like women and all the peeps in between who love ‘em both. That's how we roll.

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Don't Ask Don't (Show and) Tell

I never understood the hypocrisy of the U.S. military when it comes to my gay brothers and sisters serving in the armed forces. After all, it is one of the highest callings for someone to volunteer to protect the good ol’ USo’A. But critics, puritans, religious zealots, homophobes and tinfoil hat wearin’ looney tunes still think gays shouldn’t be able to serve. And “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” is as big a fucked up mess as you can imagine. But now, there’s hope.

Last week, Pentagon brass called for an end to the U.S. military's ban on allowing women to serve in submarines. YAY! I cheer because the same argument used to keep women from serving on submarines, is the same argument the cracker-assed crackers use to keep gays from serving. The line goes, “When the shit hits the fan, you don’t want to worry if the guy in your foxhole is checking out your ass or if he’s shooting at the bad guys.” I always thought that if you are having sexual thoughts when you’re in a firefight, you’ve seen the movie Crash one too many times. That being said, if the U.S. Navy thinks it’s O.K. for men and women to “hot bunk” together on submarines, then it should be O.K. for gays to serve anywhere in the military they want. Sex is no longer the issue.

Besides…gay peoples should have the same right to get their asses blown off in these two bullshit, pointless, unwinnable clusterfucks just as much as straight peeps do, neh? Heck-fire…even more. Most places in the U.S. deny gay couples the right to get married, the right to receive partner benefits and even the right to adopt kids. So, gays volunteering to defend America against the bad guys are defending a country that denies them basic civil rights. And that’s wrong in too many ways.

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Newtered

I saw Newt Gingrich the other day blatherin’ on about Universal Healthcare. You know the Newt-ster. He’s the rat-bastard that was tellin’ us how JZeus talks to him and that gay marriage is bad and that we needed a constitutional amendment to save heterosexual marriage from all those gay people. All the while, he was bangin’ his paramour. Hypocrite. ANYWAY…


Newt was pretty adamant when he said we “shouldn‘t trust the government on these important issues.” He implied that there is no role for the government to play when a person makes decisions about his or her health choices. This from the same party that says a woman’s right to an abortion is wrong. Yo Newter…If you think the government-cheese should stay away from healthcare decisions, WTF were you the one leading the fight to keep Terri Schiavo plugged in over the objections of her family?


No, the republicans don’t want Government run healthcare. They want to leave that up to the insurance companies...

and the pharmaceutical companies...

and the big-time for-profit corporate hospitals.


Same as it ever was.

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USo'A, Inc.

Corporations are people and citizens with all the rights of all Citizens of the United States of America, Inc.? Aye caramba! Corporations may be considered people by the SCOTUS but they don’t have feelings, they cannot show remorse and they do not die. Does that sound like a “person” to you? I wonder...do you think gay corporations can get gay married? Can a corporation get tossed in Gitmo for bein' an enemy combatant?

Looks like OBL is taking credit for the Fruit of the Boom bomber. Yo-‘Sama…did you know this chucklenut couldn’t even blow up his own Underoos? And you’re takin’ credit for it? Damn dude, you’re really reaching for the bottom of the barrel. Problem is…wussified Americans are gonna give up more of their freedoms now, for the illusion of safety. So, I guess OBL is gonna win again.

And finally…looks like the US Olympic Committee is thinkin’ ‘bout putin’ the 2022 Winter Olympic Games here in the 775. Bad. Idea. Look guys…the NV is so broke, we’re cutting teachers and firemen and state workers and we’ve got a hole in the budget bigger than the one in Governor Gibbons’ cranium. Advocates of bringin’ the games here say that it’ll be a boon for the economy and we’ll get to upgrade all the ski resorts in the area. Hmmm…did anyone bother to ask Salt Lake City what they’re doing with their ski-jumps? Nothing. Do you think Lillehammer, Norway gets a lot of use out of their bobsled courses? Nope. And when all the Olympic tourists leave what’ll be the benefit then? Bupkis.

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Do Unto Others...Unless They're the Same Sex

“Radical” Muslim

“Fundamentalist” Christian

“Ultra Orthodox” Jew


We here at PTB think that if you’re any of the above…yer BSC. These type of zealots are stuck in the Dark Ages and when the shit hits the grill they blame the behaviors of their enemies for bringing the wrath of God.


As everyone knows, we here at PTB don’t believe in the “Invisible Man in the Sky”. But it seems the ones who do are phony as “compassionate conservatism”. The latest example:


Six earthquakes have hit Israel since November. Shlomo Benizri, of the ultra-Orthodox Jewish Shas Party, said yesterday that the tremors had been caused by lawmaking that gave "legitimacy to sodomy".


We like our sodomy here at PTB. Nothin’ like a hummer to get your day started but that’s not the point. The crux of our biscuit is that if God hates fags…why did He/She make ‘em in the first place? Was He/She drunk on the job? Did He/She just phone it in on that day? Is God incompetent or just not paying attention? We say none of the above.


You see, earthquakes are caused by tectonic forces…not supernatural forces. If God quakes gay people & sodomites, how come San Francisco has been quiet for more than a decade and Wells, Nevada rumbled like the belly of a starving fat man just this morning?


Open Note To God…Yo G…there are millions more gays and sodomites in the Bay or NYC than there are in the eastern side of the 775. Hell, if you wanna rumble some gay Silver Staters…shake ‘Vegas baby and leave Wells alone!


Open Note to Shlomo… Yo Shlo…do you know what homosexual position is called a “Shlomo”? Yeah…we thought you did.


(8.-)

Don't Fear the Queer

Well, it’s been more than a week since Iowans decided that gay marriage was legal and in seven short days, GLBT peoples will be allowed to get hitched. So, we’ve got a question for the Westboro Baptist Church:



Hey, guys…WTF happened to Jzeus’ Dad? If you don’t know who the WBC is, they’re the BSC motherhubbards that swear on their bibles that “God Hates Fags.” Seriously, that’s what they believe. But words ring hollow peoples. We wanna see some action. Now, the WBCers are probably out and about, protesting at some poor bastard’s funeral but y’all had better light a fire underneath the Big Guy. The longer the Invisible Man in the Sky waits to punish Iowa (and Iowans) the less likely anyone is to believe in what the WBC is sayin’.



Look, we’re not askin’ for much. A plague would be pretty cool. Pestilence? We can dig that too. Or maybe a famine. That’d hit those gay-lovin’ Iowans right below their corn belts. That’s the kind of Godly retribution the WBC predicts and that’s the kind of fire and brimstone we’re lookin’ for. After all, it’s only Iowa.



So whadda you waitin’ for WBCers? Get on the horn to Burning Bush Man and tell him to get busy on this one. It’s not like he anything better to do.



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The Sanctity of Marriage?

Now, y’all know we love our GLBT peeps ‘round here at PTB. You also know where we stand on the subject of marriage: We wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But if gays wanna get hitched, we think they should be able to. Of course, the religious wack-jobs out there don’t agree. They say marriage should only be between a man and a woman. Check out how bass-ackward that notion seems now…






Residents in a suburb of Nagpur, India were pretty worried that monsoon season was late. No rain equals no crops, so you can imagine their distress. What’d they do? They got together a couple of frogs (no, not French citizens, the amphibious kind) and in a full Hindu ceremony…married them! We had no idea that frog on frog marriage is legal in India. The question begs to be asked: If JZeus’ Dad doesn’t have a problem with amphibious nuptials; do you think he gives a care about gay marriage? Nope.







Speaking of marriage…for the second time in a week, a prominent, holier-than-thou, bloviating, smarmy, anti-gay marriage, reflublican, friend of JZeus got popped with a wandering doodle. Today, Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina admitted to zipping down to Argentina and horn-doggin’ his paramour. And just like Johnny “The Wad” Ensign, he’s not gonna resign. Have you wondered lately WTF it’ll take to get a republican politician canned? C’mon…the whole party got their collective Underoos in a bunch over Slick Willie’s hummer but they keep their heads up their asses when it comes to their own bangin’ on a non-wife coochie.








Now, don’t think for an instant we forgot about Senator “Long” John Ensign. Yesterday, Johnny Suave had lunch with his fellow “conservatives” and apologized for his dalliances. The money quote?




“He spoke at our conference, apologized and indicated that he was going to do his job,” U.S. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., told reporters.




Yo, Able-Semen Ensign…we thought your "job" for the last few years was getting "jobs" for (and from) your paramour, a "job" for her cuckold and a "job" for their son. Funny, the only people that seem to be getting "jobbed" are Nevada voters. Just remember y'all...You can't spell "Ensign" without "resign."





(8.-)

From the Bottom of the Mind Shaft

In the RGJ the other day, an LTE from Betty Cummings asked the question “Where is all the press coverage on the disappearance of 14-year-old Shermela Washington?” Good question. We’ve got some bad news for ya Betty…unless you’re a pretty, young Caucasian female, you’ve got no chance at pub here in the 775. After all, this is Cracker Town. Sad but true.



A recent study found that frequent masturbation by twenty-somethings increases their risk of prostate cancer. This is the kind of thing that gives science a bad name. If this study is true, then 95% of American teenaged males will develop prostate cancer within the next three weeks.



Here’s an example of why religious zealots make us wanna hurl: The Reverend Ted Haggard is back in the news. You remember Reverend Teddy Bear…last year he confessed to "sexual immorality" and resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals and pastor of New Life Church. Now Ted-In-Bed says the relationship he had with the male church member was “inappropriate but not physical.” What, gay sex is O.K. as long as you’re not touching? The crux of this biscuit is simple…we don’t think there’s anything wrong with sex between two consenting adults – gay or straight. The turds in the punch bowl are people like Ted Haggard who spew vile rhetoric about the “evils of homosexuality” while at the very same time, they’re grabbing their ankles, lubing up their pooty holes and sexing it up like they were the Village People. Hey Ted, you’re a hypocrite…and if we know it, surely your God does too!



Finally…last week a 14-year-old kid in Chicago fooled the cops into thinking he was an actual police officer. The kid had a uniform on and even went on patrol for a couple of hours. Aye Caramba! WTF were the Chi-Town fuzz thinkin’? Their excuse? “He looks a lot older than fourteen.” Think about it…if a prepubescent, snot-nosed kid can fool the cops into thinking he was one of the boys in blue…whadda ya think the REALLY bad guys are gonna be able to get away with? People of the Windy City…run for your lives…while you still can.

(8.-)

Homo-crite Says What?

Here at PTB, we love our GLBT sisters, brothers and others. What a sad, boring place America would be without 'em.



Which brings us to the "Party of Family Values"...




Gay




Fag


Queer



Homo



Peter Puffer



Flamer



Fudge-Packer



BuFu



Fruit



Swishy



and just for our brown-skinnded GLBT's...




Maricones.





At least the Democrats don't pretend to be holier than thou. It's the height of hypocracy to claim God is on your side and being gay is bad and then going out and looking for turd-blossoms in airport bathrooms.



When they say they love America...they're lying.


When they day they want to protect Americans and our way of life...they're lying!!!



(8.-)

Fast Start to the Work Week

Today, North Korea sentenced two American journalists to twelve years in prison for what amounts to trespassing. Aye caramba! Well, at least L’il Kim and the NoKo’s put their bad guys on trial. Americans, we just slap ‘em in Gitmo and let ‘em rot. Sad day when North Korea can claim the moral high ground on the U.S.

Today the Supreme Court ruled that “Don’t ask, don’t tell” could stay in place. Check it: You’re in a foxhole with your buddies. Y’all are taking fire from every direction. BOOM! BAM! BOOM! You’re in a fight for your life. Now, I ask you…do you really give a flyin’ rat’s ass if the other motherhubbards in the hole with you are gay or straight?

Judge Sotomayor busted her ankle on the way to D.C. today. Yo SoSo…can I sign your cast? Question: You think Newt, the Boner or Fat Boy have a well-hexed voodoo doll somewhere in their possession?

And finally today…Mondays are the most popular day to start a diet. No problem with that. If you’re one of the millions tryin’ to suppress your appetites today, we’ve got four words that’ll help. Ready? Here goes…

Susan. Boyle. Sex. Tape. YIKES!!! If that doesn’t make you lose your appetite, or, at least, make you blow chunks…you have what they call a “cast-iron stomach.”

(8.-)

Spoiler Alert!!!

Well, here we are. The Harry Potter saga is deader than one of Michael Vick's best friends.

We knew this day would come but we never thought it would end in such a bizarre way.

Harry...gay?

Hermione and Ron having baby-daddy issues?

Professor Snape inappropriately touching students? EEEEK!

There were a LOT of twists but one thing that didn't surprise us...turns out Lord Voldemort really was a Dick.

That was more obvious than the Hagrid/BALCO storyline.

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Johnny Souled Out

Yesterday we riffed on Senator John “The Wad” Ensign and the meanderings of his doodle. Yo Johnny…who on your staff you think JZeus would bang? Ensign has said he isn’t gonna resign from the Senate, which is bad. But things might not be in his hands, which is good.



Ya see, while Ensign is a hypocrite for horn-doggin’ the help while at the same exact time opposing same-sex marriage, that isn’t illegal. Fucked up repugnant…but perfectly legal. No, what’s gonna get “Long” John Ensign’s nutsack in a sling is the fact that he:


Doubled the pay of his paramour during the affair…


Gave her cuckold an administrative assistant gig and paid him almost $250,000 during the affair…


AND gave their l’il shaver more than five grand for "research policy consulting." And the kid is nineteen fuckin’ years old. Aye caramba!



No…Johnny “Trouser Trout” Ensign won’t get tossed outta the Senate for bein’ a hypocritical rat-bastard but he’ll be workin’ at the drive-thru soon enough after the feds find out about all that hush money he floated. We’ll make you a deal Senator “Able Semen” Ensign. If we ever move outta the ‘rent’s basement and get us a girlfriend, we’ll let you bang her for pennies on the dollar. Hell, we won’t even tell our gay friends. Deal?



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Fly By White

Except for the two hours of Nevada’s basketball game last night, I’m lovin’ me some Winter Olympics. Yup, that Shaun White surely tore up the half pipe. That dude can flat-out fly! So in honor of monsieur White’s accomplishments and knowing he hates the nickname “Flying Tomato,” PTB is gonna drop a couple of new ones – “White Out” or “The Red Baron.” All yours bro! Congrats.

As you may have noticed, the 775 has quite a few athletes in these games. Yesterday, one of our girls, Julia Mancuso, got a silver in the women’s downhill. WAY TO GO JULES! So I’m watchin’ her run last night with a barley pop and out of the announcer’s pie hole came, “It’s a tough course out there but Mancuso likes it rough and bumpy.” Insert one beer-filled spit-take and high comedy reigned supreme.

Has anyone else noticed the Olympic promo starring Rascal Flats? The country (AND western) trio are belting out one of their tunes to video of Johnny Weir bein’ flamboyantly gay and a bunch of hockey dudes hugging each other. The dichotomy of the music and the video is a classic example of unintentional comedy in its highest form.

And lastly…all over this Olympic coverage I hear announcers talk about the many cool and awesome things that belong to Canada. Mounties… Molson…and Wayne Gretzky to name three. But in all the coverage I’ve watched, not once has an announcer mentioned Geddy Lee, Alex Lifeson or Neil Peart, collectively known as Rush. Longtime readers of PTB know we’re big Rush fans and it’s disappointing not to hear any mention of one of the greatest rock bands ever …who also happen to be from CANADA! I wonder if skeevy Bob Costas or any of the other myriad announcers and production crew even know what they’re missing? They might not…but I do.

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Don't Touch That Dial!

Here at PTB sport is an important part of our lives. We're of the thought that if countries could sort out their differences on the fields of play rather than the fields of battle, we'd all be better off. Yeah...yeah...we know we're naive but we'd pay big bucks to see the Bush-Wipe fight Ahmadinejad in a no-holds-barred cage match. Wouldn't THAT be fun?

That being said...we're gonna put war and politics and famine and death and gay republicans and the deficit and chimp-dick and the invisible man in the sky on hold for a couple of posts and turn our attention to the wonderful world of sports.

PLAY BALL!

(8.-)

One Last Day

Just a couple of quick thoughts on this Monday before Voting Day...


Captain Kirk is miffed ‘cause he wasn’t invited to “Mr. Sulu’s Gay Wedding” and the people skidmarking their Underoos are pissin’ and moanin’ ‘bout gays getting married. They're right…if we let gays get married, how long ‘til we get Human/Vulcan marriage? EWWW!!! Yo TJ Hooker, stop by our place…you can get free shrimp and stuff down here in the basement. Mom & dad had a party over the weekend.



Quick question…if military service makes John McCain “prepared” to be president…why didn’t that go into the win column for John Kerry or against Chimp-Dick in 2004?



Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was found guilty but he’s fightin’ the verdict ‘cause there was no compelling evidence. He thinks he’ll get off. Nevada hoopster Brandon Fields WAS guilty but the popo says they’ve got no evidence. They dropped the charges so he got off. Jeez guys…you get everything you need handed to you anyway. Another example of the cute and fuzzy bunnies thinkin’ they’re above us common-folk.




Here at PTB we’re glad to see that public schools will be closed on election day. WOO HOO!!! The RGJ says that it’ll minimize confusion and make more parking available for voters. SHEESH! We had no idea all those middle schoolers were drivin’ their mom’s hoopty wagon to school.


Boogity Boogity say the tighty-righties. If the Dems get control of the House, the Senate and the executive branch (SCOTUS doesn’t count) they’ll run wild. Funny, tighty-righty didn’t say anything about when they were all in the driver’s seat. Guess the last eight years are kind of an embarrassment to ‘em.


If you think someone is snakin’ your stuff on Halloween…do you really have to pop thirty rounds from your AK into the door? Whatever happened to expecting people coming to your door on October 31st?



Glad to see Moammar Gaddafi and Libya getting off the schneid. We’ve always had a soft spot for MoMo. He paid big scratch to the victims of the Lockerbie bombing. Guess you can buy your way outta anything. Yo MoMo…give Senator Stevens a call…he’s gonna need help.


(8.-)

Imagine There's No Heaven

It’s interesting to see Reno’s D-league hoops team promising us the “NBA Experience.” Guess that means we’ll get overpriced tickets, overpriced food and underperforming dawdlers lagging up and down the court. Heck, throw in a primadonna teammate or two, opponents no one cares about and a losing record and you’ll experience the NBA the same way 90% of the league does.



We can’t stress this enough. School uniforms. Worst. Idea. Ever. State Senator Bob Coffin is proposing that all public school students in the NV wear uniforms. Yo Coff…if all the little chillens are wearing the same thing, how are the PoPo gonna know who the gangbangers are?



On this day in history in 1859, Charles Darwin published On the Origin of Species. JZeus has been spinning in his grave ever since.



In today’s dead tree edition of the RGJ, Janice Ayres says that Nevada shouldn’t use its Tobacco Settlement Funds to bail out the state budget. She’s right. That money was specifically given to states so they could educate and treat people addicted to nicotine. Problem is, we’re already using those dollars to give Nevada high schoolers the Millennium Scholarship. Remember, if people quit smoking, the state will lose out on lots of tax money. So keep on puffin’ those stogies!



Looks like Citigroup is gonna get more government-sponsored welfare. Goddamned corporate socialists. Let’s get this straight. Citigroup wants billions of taxpayer dollars so that that they can loan it to people who don’t need it so those people can buy more crap that they don’t need and can’t afford. Are we missing something here?



Finally today…the Beatles. You remember them. They’re the drug-addled, hippy, rock-n-roll freaks who glorified drugs, Charles Manson and some brotherhubbard named Rocky Raccoon. Back in the day, John Lennon even went so far as to say the Beatles were bigger than JZeus. Oops! That sure put the band on the religious right’s shit list. Well, time heals all wounds, or maybe time wounds all heels. ANYWAY…now the Vatican is saying that the Beatles’ music was some of the most creative stuff ever written and their songs are classic compared to today’s tunes and that they forgive the band. Yeah right. Ever heard Octopuses Garden? It’s the story of man/mermaid love. And that’s a whole lot worse than gay marriage! No worries though, next to Kittie, NWA and GWAR, the mop tops from Liverpool look like friggin’ choirboys.




(8.-)