Chicken Dance

U.S. Senate candidate Sue Lowden is getting’ the Silver State a lot pub lately by saying people could pay their doctors with, get this, live chickens. As you can imagine the liberal, elitist media jumped all over that line. No surprise that Lowden has been vilified everywhere from the Rachel Maddow show to the Tonight Show to the Colbert Report. But here at PTB, we kinda like the idea. Bartering has been around since the beginning, so what’s the big deal? Wouldn’t it be great if you could pay your proctologist with poultry? Pretty sweet, neh? Problem is…what do you use to buy the chicken?

News out of Nepal says that the Sherpas won’t allow the ashes of Sir Edmund Hillary to be sprinkled on Mount Everest. Apparently, they consider Everest some kind of holy place. Yo Nepal! If the place is so friggin holy, how come the mountain is littered with crap like oxygen tanks, tents and dead bodies? Aye caramba! Ya know, if it wasn’t for SHE puttin’ y’all on the map, y’all would still be livin’ in the fourteenth century. Oh wait, you are. Nevermind.

Happy Earth Day dear Earth… Happy Earth Day dear Earth… Happy Earth Day dear Earrrrrrth…Happy Earth Day to Youuuuuuuu! Ya know, here on Earth Day I got to thinkin’. I wonder if Sarah Palin can see the burning oil platform from her house? So, how IS that drill baby drill-thingy goin for ya Caribou Barbie?

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Crapulence

It’s a special time of year for us here at PTB…Earth Day. The one day of the year that Americans try to assuage their guilt for driving terrorist Hummers, poppin’ innocents with depleted uranium ammo and basically crapping all over the planet.



Yep, every April 22nd, our thoughts drift to an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. No, not the Hawaii, or Tahiti, or Rapa Nui-type island. We’re talkin’ ‘bout an island, twice the size of Texas that you won’t find in any travel brochure. That’s because made out of plastic garbage. It’s called the Pacific Trash Vortex and it floats right between California and Hawaii. Not only is the PTV icky-gross, it’s lethal.



See, plastic isn’t biodegradable. That means when the crap in the PTV breaks down, it stays…well…plastic. Once the particles break down small enough, all sorts of critters gobble ‘em up. It’s the marine animal equivalent of eating lead paint chips. So, all sorts of animals die from ingesting PTV-related crap. The ones that don’t carry the poison around in their systems ‘til they get eaten – either by other animals or by human animals.




So, on that note, Happy Earth Day! And if you’ve ever wondered why your tuna sandwich, your lobster Newberg or your escargot milkshake has that funky taste…you’ll know why.



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Labor Day Liturgy

We could see it if John McCain would’ve picked With Romney or Rudi-In-The-Booty as his VP. But by picking Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, one smokin’ hot “VPILF”, it seems like the GOP is giving up on the November elections. If the tighty-righties wanted a grrl for the number two spot, they’d have been better off pickin’ Condi. BTW…has there ever been more rocket hot women in politics than right now? We think not.

According to a report from the Rand Corporation, “Current U.S. strategy against the terrorist group al Qaida has not been successful in significantly undermining the group's capabilities. Al Qaida has been involved in more terrorist attacks since Sept. 11, 2001, than it was during its prior history and the group's attacks since then have spanned an increasingly broader range of targets in Europe, Asia, the Middle East and Africa.” Here at PTB, we’ve been sayin’ that exact same thing for more than a half a decade. Regular readers can now, officially, look down their noses at the unwashed masses.

So, Sparks Middle School has gone Borg. Funny...while we’re big fans of the schoolgirl look here at PTB, we’ve gotta ask: “Isn’t that the very same thing those Godless Commie rat-bastard North Koreans do to their kids? Yup.

Last week, Reno-911 busted some poor Rasta for drugs while he was on his way to Burning Man. They can't catch the murders or the arsonists or the robbers out there on the loose but they spend their time and effort and our money bustin' Bob Marley wannabes for weed. Way to protect and serve.

Well…it’s Labor Day weekend and y’all know what that means. No, we’re not talkin’ ‘bout a three day weekend. Heck, we live in the 775. Most of the folks up here got jobs that don’t give a schizzle what day it is. No, we’re talkin’ ‘bout the Jerry Lewis labor Day MDA Telethon.

FULL DISCLOSURE: This year’ll be the 12^th Telethon we’ve been involved with.

The crux of today’s biscuit is simple…The “greatest country on earth” can spend ten BILLION dollars a month blowin’ up brown-skinded innocent folk. Yet, to cure this heinous disease that affects millions of Americans, the good ole USoA relies on France’s favorite comedian to raise money. That just doesn’t seem right.

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Copy Cat

Joel Tenenbaum is getting’ jobbed and he isn’t even gonna get a happy ending. He’s the Boston University student who got popped “illegally” downloading music and was fined more than a half a million dollars. JEEZ! Aren’t the record companies rich enough? It’s not like the original writer or artist is gonna see a penny of the fine. But it begs the question: Is sharing music files over the internet really a crime? Here’s my example…

Back in the day I bought the album “That’s the Way of the World” by Earth Wind & Fire. Boy-howdy, I surely do love me some EWF! The 33rpm LP cost $15. Then I bought the 8-track for $12, then the cassette for another $15, then the CD for $20…that’s a grand total of $62 for one album. Should I have to pay for the digital version too? How many times do I have to buy the same friggin’ album?

Can you imagine the auto industry operating like the music industry? Buy a new car, drive it off the lot and when you’re through, drive it back to the lot. Next time you want to drive your car, all you’ve gotta do is go back to the lot and buy the car again. Oh yeah…and you can never, never, ever let your friend drive your car. After all, if they didn’t pay the car company to drive the vehicle, that’d be stealing from the auto industry…right?


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