Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Danger Will Robinson!

Huzzah, and a “Golden Pickle” to the NV. Yup, according to a new report we are the most dangerous state in the whole USofA. But hell, we already knew that. What a lot of people don’t know are the less visible reasons why Iceman won’t fly with us

5. The Nevada Test Site. Shoot-fire. It’s not neon that lights up those casinos. Dangerous to those who are pregnant, thinking of becoming pregnant, alive, thinking about staying alive and people with a half-life of less than a hundred million years.

4. Ho’s. The existence of disease-free, well-maintained, goodly-attended brothels make Nevada a danger to marriage, religion and the reps of puritanical politicians everywhere. Remember…sex doesn’t kill…people who have sex kill.

3. Cute & Fuzzy Bunnies. If you think marmots bringing down the house is scary…wait ‘til the wolverine goes C. Thomas Howell on a picnic full of hikers. Dangerous to anyone doubting PETA, dropping popcorn on the trail or has ever watched the Outdoor Channel.

2. Hope and Despair. By virtue of our dalliances in the gaming industry anyone, anytime, can go from the outhouse to the penthouse and back to the outhouse in a matter of seconds. A large contributor to Nevada’s high heart-attack rate. Dangerous to bi-polar, moody, excessively happy/optimistic people, depressed/pessimistic people and people with emotions.

1. Two words. Buffet. Food. Un-wiped sneeze-guards give selections an ethereal glow. Stacked food exudes a third-world aura. Most dangerous to vets returning from Iraq. Flashbacks to Basra Market are common. Side effects may also include: keno-holesilver and/or blue balls…visits from the Prince of DarknessRomney-itis and bitter beer face.