Phoning it In

It seemed to us like George W. Bush was president forever. While it might have felt like an eternity, the numbers don't lie. Out of the 2,920 days the Chimp-Dick was in office, he spent...wait for it...wait for it...1,020 days on vacation, breaking the old mark sent by Ronald "I don't remember" Reagan. That's one third of his entire time as pResident on VACATION! Talk about fiddlin' while Rome burns...We haiku our thoughts.

He's out in Texas

while the country goes to hell.

He'll be down there soon.

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Oh Happy Day

Free at last… Free at last…Great googly moogly… Free at last!



Man…we never thought we’d see this day. Finally, a brown-skinded brother as president of the United States. YEEHAW! Guess they’re gonna have to change the name of the White House, neh?



Just a couple of quick thought burbles from today’s Inauguration…



During the ‘Bamer’s speech, every time he mentioned the brightness of our future or the tough job ahead of all of us or how America is ready to lead the world again, the T.V. cameras got a shot of WPE and he looked like the before shots in a hemorrhoid commercial. Priceless! Hey, chimp-dick…we sure hope it’s the last we see of your sorry ass. If you ever set foot in the 775, we’re gonna get a big‘un to break his foot off in your John Brown hind-pot. That’s a promise.



Finally…WTF is the deal with having the inauguration on a Tuesday? Did the former Prime Minister of Australia have all the ballrooms booked over the weekend? SHEESH! Have you ever tried to get an inauguration booty call on a Tuesday? Impossible. Actually, now that pResident GWB is His-To-Ry…nothing seems impossible. See you tonight at the ball.



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Monday Mourning

Bourgie, white, rich, BSC Bernie Madoff steals billions of dollars from investors and gets to stay out of the hoosegow on bail. Poor brown-skinded brotherhubbard gets popped with a doobie and he gets ten years hard time. Those are some fucked up priorities.





Landmark day today…Chimp-Dick gave his final news conference. HUZZAH! Only eight more days ‘til the WPE rides off into the sunset. We were kinda hopin’ he’d ride off a cliff but we’ll take him gone any way we can. Too bad the shit-storm he’s gotten us into is gonna be around for a century or so. SHEESH!





In a survey of a random sample of U.S. emergency physicians, virtually all said they believed that law enforcement officers use excessive force to arrest and detain suspects. Thanks Captain Obvious. A couple of weeks ago BART cops popped a cap in a brother while he was handcuffed and on the ground. A couple of months ago, airport security in Phoenix detained a woman who later died in custody. In Texas, the son of former MLB’er Bobby Tolan was shot in the chest as he was laying face down in his driveway. Those are just a few incidents that we can think of off the top of our heads. A bit of research would uncover lots more. It seems that since 9/11 cops have been of the mindset that their shit doesn’t stink. They act like someone is guilty ‘til proven innocent and consider themselves the judge, jury and executioner of a suspect. Think not? Go up to the next cop you see and flip him/her the bird…that’s the last thing you’ll do as a non-incarcerated person. America the Free? Hardly.




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Shoe Fly

In the Islamic world there's no bigger insult than someone hitting you with a shoe. It's their version of flipping someone the bird. Remember what the Iraqis did to Saddam Hussein's statue? YIKES! Over the weekend an Iraqi journalist tossed not one, but two shoes at pResident Bush. Guess he was thanking Chimp-Dick for all we've done for his country. Just think of it...if that brown-skinded brother had any taste in footwear, G-Dub woulda been JFK'd by a red Prada stiletto. They could call 'em "Go Fuck Yourself" Pumps. Hell of a way to go.


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Boob Tube Banned by Boobs

As a rule, we don’t talk much about television ‘round here because…


FULL DISCLOSURE: Every time you watch television, we here at PTB make one MILLION dollars…


But last week, Saudi Arabia's top judiciary official issued a religious decree saying it is permissible to kill owners of satellite TV networks that broadcast “immoral” content because it causes the "deviance of thousands of people.” WOW…that’s some heavy guilt there. We knew television had influence on people but we had no idea it had that kinda pull.


The crux of today’s biscuit is twofold…


Saudi Arabia is George W. Bush’s closest ally and bestest friend. Now, Chimp-Dick has said time and time again that America will not tolerate oppressive regimes. That’s one of the (later) reasons he gave us for invading Iraq. So, how come WPE is willing to break our army by invading Mesopotamia and he licks the sweat off the nut sacks of Saudi Arabian leaders? It’s called being a hypocrite and anyone who doesn’t see that is either dumber than a bag of doorknobs or so far right that they make Karl Rove look like Teddy Kennedy.


Secondly…do you really think the Saudi royal family turns off the television when the Sopranos comes on? No. Fact of the matter is, those BSC motherhubbards watch Desperate Housewives, Weeds, Big Love , American Idol and all the other “immoral” shows out there in the comfort and privacy of their palaces while they down 40’s and smoke the “O”. Meanwhile, the unwashed masses don’t even have enough money to piss in a pot.


Control what people read, control what they see on television, control what they hear on the radio and they won’t realize what assholes y’all are. Saudi Arabia may be pResident Bush’s paramour but we know they’re just another bass-ackward third-world country, keepin’ down the little guy and living to excess. It’s what the Shah of Iran did the same thing and look what happened to him!


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Seven Years of Darkness

Seven years…it’s been seven years since OBL and his minions took a bite outta the Big Apple. If you were on Planet E at the time, you know exactly where you were and what you were doing when you heard the news and if you’re anything like us…you wanted vengeance. What we got were damned lies, band-aids and flag pins.


Seven years, thousands of military casualties, hundreds of thousands of civilians dead, billions of dollars…wasted.


In seven years, we haven’t brought one single terrorist to justice.


In seven years, we're still not even close to catching OBL.


In seven years, the ports and borders are still unprotected from another terrorist attack.


In seven years, the best idea they could come up with on airport security was to confiscate shampoo bottles and cigarette lighters.


In seven years we’ve gone from being the shining beacon of freedom in the world to become a terrorist state in our own right…torturing, killing, lying.


In seven years, the Bush-Wipes broke the army, bankrupted the treasury, nearly wiped out the middle class, started spying on American citizens, all while looking us straight in the face and telling us what a good job they’ve been doing. POPPYCOCK.


Somewhere on the Pakistan/Afghanistan border OBL is kickin’ back in his cave, watchin’ Al Jazeera on his 52” flat-screen, sippin’ on a forty and smilin’ that smile of his. He knows he kicked our asses. Nineteen guys with boxcutters brought down the most powerful nation in the world…all with a little help from pResident George W. Bush and his ilk.



In seven years WPE has done nothing to keep us safe, he’s done nothing to prevent the next attack, he’s done nothing but try to scare the bejeezus out of us in an attempt to keep his party in power. Seven dark years of GWB in office seems like forever and it can’t get over soon enough for us. We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again. Worst. President. Ever.


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The Company You Keep

There’s no better way to score with chicks than to have a cute puppy with you. We’ve tried it and it works. Believe it…if it works for us, it’ll work for ANYONE! The ladies just can’t resist a fuzzy li’l pooch.

The move is used all over the world. Heck, it’s even spread to Saudi Arabia…go figure. Alas, it’s not to last. The Saudi religious police heard about the practice of “Get a pooch, get a smooch” and now they’re banning the sale of cats and dogs! WTF is up with that?

It’s bad enough to have to live in the SA. It’s as smooth as Mitt Romney’s hair, it's hotter than hell and there’s nothing to do but pray and/or go to church. Now the buzzkills-that-be are outlawing man’s best friend. SHEESH! It’s a wonder anyone ever hooks up in the SA. The saddest part is, the Saudis are Chimp-Dick’s bestest buddies. Heck, King Abdullah and G-Dub are practically goin’ steady. WPE whines all the time about the human rights record of countries like Iran, China and Russia while his Saudi friends treat their citizens worse than anyone. It's bad enough that Saudi Aribia treats its women like non-entities...it's bad enough that Saudi teens can't listen to rock & roll music...but to ban people from owning cats and dogs? Unacceptable.

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Wedding Bell BooFoos

Heard a lady today on the news protesting Californication’s new Gay Marriage Law. She was pretty cheesed-off about it. She said that there have been more earthquakes, more floods and more tornadoes now than ever before ‘cause God is cursing America for letting the queer-folks get hitched. Interesting.

Here at PTB we get a kick out of people who say they have an open line to God’s brain. We call ‘em like we see ‘em…they’re all crackpots. Think about it…the Bible says if you have the faith of a mustard seed, nothing will be impossible to you. And if you’re on a one-on-one basis with the Big Kahuna…you’ve got yourself some big-time faith. So why do these mustard seed-heads just stop people from being...you know...gay? ‘Cause they’re all full of that malarkey stuff.

We’ve got a couple of questions: If the Invisible Man in the Sky is putting the noonan on the USofA for allowing gay marriage, why isn’t he pissed off about gay sex? What about other countries where gay marriage is allowed? Hear about any earthquakes or tornadoes in The Netherlands lately? No.

The crux of our biscuit is simple…if God thought being gay was such a big deal, he woulda scratched another rule into Moses’ rocks. But he didn’t. If being gay, having gay sex or being married and gay didn’t make the good Lord’s top ten list, it shouldn’t make yours. Tell you what lady…go grab your bible, re-read the Ten Commandments and then turn your anger toward the liars, cheaters and killers out there. then we’ll see how big your mustard seed is.

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Stand By Your Man

It’s nice to see a woman standing by her man. Today, the L-Bush said that history will vindicate WPE. If history means some kind of war-crimes trial and if vindicate means convicted of treason and hung by the neck until dead…then yeah…history will vindicate Chimp Dick. How do we know? We know history. Here’s some of the highlights of Mrs. Bush’s husband’s last seven years:






Ignored warnings about OBL leading up to 9/11



Falsely promised Americans a Hydrogen fuel cell



$4.00+ for a gallon of gas



Lied about WMD’s



No exit strategy from Iraq



Still haven’t found OBL



Tax cuts for the rich that hurt the poor




Non-support for the new G.I. Bill



Suspension of Habeas Corpus



Indefinite detention of Gitmo prisoners



Allowed torture of prisoners




Outed a CIA agent in political retaliation in a time of war



Illegally eavesdropped on American citizens



Politicized the State and Justice Departments



Whiffed on Katrina






We could go on…and on…and on…but to what end? REAL Americans already know GWB is the WPE. Tighty-righty Bush-Wipes are praying history will look more kindly on him. Hindsight may be 20/20 L-Bush…but we see just fine right now.





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Remembering...

We’re fighting two unjust wars with no end in sight.


Using the “Muddling Through It” defense, the pResident says we’re learning as we go.


Dr. Evil says he doesn’t care that Americans want to end the war.


Senator McSame doesn’t care if the wars last a hundred years.


War profiteering is rampant. Soldiers are stretched to the breaking point and when/IF they come home they get the shaft.


More than four thousand brave American soldiers…dead. Tens of thousands physically, emotionally and spiritually maimed. Hundreds of thousands of civilians…dead. Upwards of a million are now war refugees.


Sixty-four years ago today Americans put boot to butt and stood up to defeat a tyrant. Today…the United States is ruled by tyrants. And brave American men and women die needlessly because of it.


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Memorial Day Late and a Dollar Short

Today we wanted to expand a little bit on yesterday’s post. Y’all know that here at PTB we love our men and women in uniform. That said…Memorial Day blows. You lay your ass on the line 24/7/365, livin’ and dyin’ in the Suck tour after tour and for what? So the rest of the country can get another three day weekend? So furniture stores can slash prices and offer huge discounts on mattresses? SHEESH! No, we’re of the ilk that Memorial Day should be every day. After all, freedom isn’t free and our men and women in uniform are paying the price with every breath they take.



Now, we’re from the side who believes that “Support Our Troops” means bringin’ ‘em home. No war…no casualties. Simple enough. Problem is, the Government-Cheese doesn’t give a rat’s ass about bringin’ our troops home. How do we know? Y’all ever heard of the G.I. Bill? That’s the legislation that helps veterans after their service to our country has ended. It helps ‘em with college tuition, it helps ‘em get home loans. You know, the things you’d expect the greatest country in the world to do for the soldiers who fight for freedom.



Well, there’s a new version of the G.I. Bill wending its way through the halls of Congress. It has the blessing of politicians from both sides of the aisle. But not everybody is a supporter of our troops. There are two high-profile opponents of the new G.I. Bill. Now, you might be asking yourselves, “Who in the fu-schizzle could be so heartless, so callous, so mean-spirited as to deny our brave men and women in uniform benefits they so richly deserve?” None other than Chimp-Dick and Geezer McSkeevy. That’s right…pResident George Bush and Republican presidential nominee, Senator John McCain are AGAINST the new G.I. Bill.



You’d think America’s highest-profile combat dodger and its most famous Manchurian Candidate would, you know, actually SUPPORT our troops. After all, those two wannabes wear their little flag pins on their lapels and blow a lot of hot air spoutin’ ‘bout what patriots they are. You’d be wrong. No, according to the New York Times, WPE and Ancient McOldie don’t support the new G.I. Bill because it gives so much to the troops, everyone will want to get out and no one will want to reenlist! Aye Caramba! Look guys…no one wants to be in the Suck. Everyone wants to get out of the Suck and we owe it to everyone who’s ever been in the Suck to help make their civilian life a little easier. Here at PTB we think we owe it to ‘em. As for the Government-Cheese…once you’re out, they don’t give a shit about you.



Every time one of those rat-bastards say they love America and they support our troops…they’re lying!


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Not-tional Geographic

It's not a big secret -- most Americans suck at geography. It's because of our superiority complex. Who the hell cares where anything else is in the world? If they’re not here, they must be losers.



Still, you’d think someone whose job description includes the need for a moderate level of geographic knowledge would, you know, actually HAVE said knowledge. And then we get the video right here.



Stephen Hadley goes on for two and a half minutes about China’s issues with…Nepal. That’s right…Nepal. Not Tibet. Nepal. And it’s not like it was a slip of the tongue or a verbal hiccup or, as Skeevy Uncle Fester would say, a “senior moment.” No, Hadley refers to China’s trouble with Nepal EIGHT TIMES in two and a half minutes.



So, why are we making such a big stink over something as trivial as a geographical mistake?

Stephen Hadley works for the United States Government. In 2002, he was a member of the White House Iraq Group. He was the one who made up the “Yellowcake from Niger” bullshit. Instead of getting fired, he got a promotion. Stephen Hadley is now the friggin’ National Security Advisor to the President of the United States of America…and he doesn’t know the difference between Nepal and Tibet.



If you ever wonder how America got so messed up…look no further than this shit.

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The Day After...

For those of you, like us, having to go back to work today...we've got a special treat. Consider it a belated Christmas present.

It's a game. Everyone likes games...right? Well...here it is. Undoubtedly, you've used the search engine Google to look up all sorts of minutae. Heck, you might have even Googled yourself (just to see what was out there). This game is called "Google Lowball." The object of the game is to Google two words (no proper names) to see how few search results you get.

Example: Alabaster Porcupine got 13,100 hits...Sinister Vacuum got 168,000...Hell, Intelligent Bush got 1,860 hits...SHEESH! We haven't found too many searches with fewer than a thousand hits...if you do, consider yourself lucky. If you don't, no worries...you've got lots of time in the next few days to practice.

Good luck!

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Talkin' Out The Side Of His Neck

Last week the president used his little red veto pen for only the third time in almost seven years. He said that he couldn’t, in all good conscience, use American taxpayer money to kill stem cells.

Funny…he doesn’t seem to have a problem using our money to kill real people.

Anytime a politician says they support the troops…they’re lying to you.

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If He Marries His Sister's Daughter, Will the Kids Call Him Uncle Dad?

See this pink-assed cracker? ---->

His name is Robert Zoellick. The President just named him to head-up the World Bank.

What's the problem you ask?

Zoellick is replacing Paul Wolfowitz. Remember the Wolfster? He was the chief architect of the war in Iraq.

Wolfie did such a cracker jack job with the war that he got himself a promotion to the top gig at the WB.

Wolf-gag promptly gave his uber-manly girlfriend a raise and a promotion which led to his can getting canned.

So now the prez is picking ZoZo for the gig.

His qualifications? He was a consultant to ENRON!!!

Remember those rat bastards? It seems the crappier you do your job, the more likely it is that the President will give you a promotion.

Just remember...the president is NOT in bed with big energy.

Yo Mr. Bush...all we do here at PTB is write a bit of a blog...got an opening at Homeland Security?

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