Tuesday, March 31, 2009

He Slammed, She Slammed, They All Slammed Islam


One of the sacred cows we love skewering here at PTB is religion. Not necessarily religion in and of itself, but the inevitable hypocrisy that goes with it. Think about it: How many Christians here in the USo’A wanted revenge after 9/11? More than you’d think. If that isn’t hypocrisy, what is?



The latest in the line of “Do what we say, not what we do” is Islam. Last month at the United Nations a group of 57 countries entered a resolution. The resolution said that offending Islamic sensitivities is a “serious affront to human dignity” which could lead to “social disharmony”, “violations of human rights” and “incitement to religious hatred in general and against Islam in particular.” Is that so? Gandhi once said, “A religion that takes no account of practical affairs and does not help to solve them is no religion.” Uh oh, did Gandhi just piss off the entire Muslim world? Aye Caramba!
Does Islam prove Gandhi right? What they’re doing here isn't solving problems or practical affairs...they're shielding their religious ideas and teachings from criticism or debate. So we’re gonna take on this magilla head on…just like you knew we would.



Serious affronts to human dignity? Ask any Muslim woman how that fuckin’ Burqa feels in the middle of a Saudi summer.



Social disharmony? Ask the ruling Mullahs of Iran what they do to “infidels” in their country.



Violations of human rights? Ask the Muslim killers of Daniel Pearl what human rights are.



Incitement to religious hatred? How many Muslims have Jewish friends or relatives? How many Catholics or Baptists or Mormons live and work in Afghanistan, or Pakistan, or Qatar? ZERO. So the next time Islam wants us to tone down the rhetoric, we’re gonna drop trou and shake our pink asses in their general direction. Now that would offend anyone.
(8.-)

Monday, March 30, 2009

To Whom Much is Given, Much is Required



We’re tryin’ to wrap our brainpans around this:



If a brown-skinded brotherhubbard gets popped by Reno-911 ‘cause he’s totin’ ‘round a couple of ganja bags in the trunk of his hoopty…poor dude is lookin’ at a couple o’ dozen years in the Gray Bar Motel. After all, life’s problems can be traced directly back to the “Evil Weed.”




A couple of weeks ago a local sawbones copped to writing fake ‘scripts for a couple of pole dancers. His penalty? A $2,000 fine and disciplinary action from the State Medical Board. Aye Caramba! Nice work if you can get it doc. Aren’t doctors supposed to get women with their intellect?




So here’s the crux of today’s biscuit: Kids, if you wanna roll in the high falutin’ world of dealing drugs…STAY IN SCHOOL. Better to get busted pushing as an M.D. or as a right-wing smear merchant or as one of the skeevy Olson twins than getting popped bein’ a minority selling grass. Do the crime; do the time…unless you’re whitey.




(8.-)

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Last Best Hope for Techno Music





Here at PTB we're not much into "Euro-Tunes." That said, music is like ice cream...sometimes chocolate, vanilla and strawberry just don't hit the spot. If, however, you get a hankerin' for onion skin and mushroom cap sorbet...this is a tune for you!


(8.-)

Monday, March 23, 2009

Baracket Busters


In eight years of pResidency, Chimp-Dick was on vacation one out of every four days and no one (‘ceptin’ us) made a peep.




During the first 100 days of his Presidency, the ‘Bamer took four hours to fill out an NCAA basketball bracket and every tighty-righty lookin’ for a re-elect is skidmarking their Underoos.




Check it: If Barry O has the brain pan to lead the USo’A outta this shit-storm, he certainly has the capability to fill out a couple of brackets without dropping the ball. Just ‘cause GWB read My Pet Goat upside down doesn’t mean everyone holding the office rode the short bus to school.




(8.-)



Friday, March 20, 2009

Acapulco?




Today we're gonna whip out a little ditty from "The Bobs." These motherhubbards are to a capella music what John Holmes was to porno. Simply. The. Best.



(8.-)

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Random Thoughts of WTF


A.I.G.’s Chairman told Congress yesterday that the millions of dollars in bonuses the company gave out to the executives who ran the company into the toilet are, “Distasteful.” Funny he uses that term. Foie gras, brie and caviar taste like doodleberries too but we’ll bet those rich motherhubbards don’t give up that crap either.



Here at PTB we’re big fans of the World Baseball Classic. Think about it: Instead of Los Angeles against New York or Pittsburgh against San Francisco, it’s the USo’A against the whole friggin’ world. How cool is that? Problem is, not everyone is psyched to kick the rest of the world’s collective baseball asses. That’s why we’re putting out a fatwa on the manager of Team USA -- Davey Johnson. The other day Johnson was quoted as saying that if enough American players got hurt in the tournament, he’d forfeit the game. WTF? America invented the friggin’ game of friggin' baseball! Besides, there’s nothing more important to an athlete than representing their country in an international tournament. Forfeit? FORFEIT? Hey Davey…if you’re not in it to win it…get to steppin’ cracker. What team do you think you’re managing…France?



If you’re one of the millions of Americans who’ve tried the sleep diet, we’ve got news for you…sleeping will NOT make you lose weight. If you believe that dropping some “Z’s” will help you drop the lbs….you’ve got more of a problem than your weight…you’ve got a problem with your brain pan.



The other night the Nevada men’s basketball team hosted UTEP in a CBI (Coulda Been In) Tournament game. Attendance at the 12,000 seat Lawlor Events Center? Three thousand and change. Aye Caramba! If the college basketball team, who’s been in town for more than a hundred years, can’t get more than 3,000 fans into a friggin’ POSTSEASON TOURNAMENT GAME…how do you think attendance is gonna be for a brand spankin’ new AAA baseball team on a frosty April night? Fasten your seatbelts folks…the sounds of the forest are gonna be overwhelming.



And finally, today is the start of March Madness. You know, the tournament that Nevada USED to get in to on a regular basis. Anyway…it’s estimated that employers will lose more than $3.8 billion because workers are online checking their pools. Listen, if you’re spending work time checking whether or not UCLA is beating the North Carolina School of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, or how the Morris Brown College v. Atlanta A&T tilt is going, GET BACK TO WORK! The only person in the country getting paid to predict college basketball games is Dicky V. As for the rest of us…we’ve gotta get our noses back to the grindstone. How else is the government-cheese gonna get the tax money to bail out AIG again?



(8.-)

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Neva-DUH


He WAS one of the most popular right-wing nut jobs in a state full of right wing nut jobs. So why is everyone pissin’ and moanin’ ‘bout Governor Gibbons payin’ his staff more money than they’re supposed to get? GJG knows what he’s doin’…just look at the state of the State.



If Gibby wants low level, troglodyte, minimum wage earning state workers to take a pay cut to help the budget crisis, so be it. Pay his own staff above and beyond what’s allowed? So be that too. Problem with that is, come November, Gibbons’ political career will be taking a dirt nap. The brotherhubbard is gonna get fewer votes than Gary Coleman. Too bad we have to wait.



No worries for GJG, though…after politics he can always get a job running A.I.G. After all, they're gonna be lookin' for someone to screw that company farther into the toilet. Gibby, you're up.



(8.-)

Monday, March 16, 2009

A Closer Look


There’s a very special surprise at the bottom of today’s post for y’all. But first, a quick bit of business.




The Government-Cheese is thinkin’ ‘bout confiscating Bernie Madoff (with the money)’s wife’s and sons’ assets. Finally. Anyone thinking the Madoff (with the money) clan didn’t know what dear old dad was up to, probably graduated from Jerry Falwell’s Law School. BTW…the Feds found all of Eliot Spitzer’s hooker money and a hundred or so G’s in one politician’s freezer but they didn’t notice Bernie ripping off billions? WTF were they doin’ down there? Lookin’ for Saddam’s WMD’s?



Here’s a thought: If Bernie Madoff (with the money) was a brown-skinded brother or a drug dealer, the Feds woulda seized every last asset of his (and his family) the very first day. As it is…there was a lot of financial hanky-panky goin’ on in the Madoff (with the money) clan just after pops got popped. It just goes to show you…the justice system here in the USo’A bends over backward for whitey. If you’re in a minority, you get your ass handed to you.




Ok, Ok…we promised…remember the Inauguration? Lots and lots and lots of people crammed into the D.C. to celebrate. Well, below is a link to a picture of the event. WTF is so special about this particular pic? Well, you start off on a wide shot of the entire venue then, with the click of your mouse, you can zoom in close enough to recognize faces. The shot was taken with a 1,700 megapixel digital camera. Heck-fire…you can zoom in close enough to see the horns underneath Dick Cheney’s hat! Figure this…if we’ve gotta spend beaucoup dollars on Homeland Security, this is the kind of cool toy we want ‘em to come up with. Sure would be fun to have one of those cameras at the beach!




-----> CLICK HERE FOR THE PICTURE!!! <-----



(8.-)

Friday, March 13, 2009

Not for Work




It's not likely we're ever gonna go home with a rocket-hottie readhead like the one in this vid. But after watching her "skilz"...maybe that's a good thing.



(8.-)

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Money Talks. Who Listens?



Just before Bernie Madoff (with your money) got perp-walked out of the courtroom today, he said he was ashamed and sorry for his actions. Well, cheese-dick, sorry won’t bring back thousands of people’s life savings but it may keep you warm at night there in the Gray Bar Motel. If that doesn’t do the trick, you can always snuggle with your new cellmate Rocco.



Speaking of money…Governor Jim Gibbons has officially gone BSC. Today he sent a letter to the ‘Bamer saying he won’t accept all the stimulus money the Feds are giving the state of Nevada. Thanks Guv. Here in the 775, they’re cutting programs like an army barber cutting recruits’ hair. No matter what his reasoning might be, we need that money. By refusing to take all the funds, you’re showing your true colors Gib. You’re more interested in Republican, right wing nut job ideologies than you are in helping the residents of Nevada. Simply put…
Worst. Governor. Ever.



One last thing today ‘bout money. Last night the Reno City Council voted 4-1 to loan SK Baseball between $1million and $2.5 million a year - for 20 years. SK Baseball wants to build an “entertainment district” next to their new stadium. Question: WTF is gonna happen when no one shows up for baseball games or other “entertainments”? The city is already broke and now they’re loaning money to developers? AYE CARAMBA! We keep pouring taxpayer money into this eye-popping load of crapulence and chances are, we’re not gonna get squat out of it. Especially since the new retail spaces are gonna feature a Hollywood Video, a Sharper Image, a Linens-N-Things and Circuit City. Thank JZeus for Jessica Sferrazza. She’s the only one on the council with half a brain pan. The rest of those bobbleheads need to be tossed out before they do any more damage.




(8.-)

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

We Don't Need No Ed-U-Ma-Ca-Shun

All across the 775 the government-cheese is slashing education ‘cause of budget shortfalls. Isn’t it funny that one of the first things those bobbleheads cut out of the budget is education? That got us to wondering…why?



Dumb kids = dumb adults #1. If you keep the population in perpetual stupidity, they aren’t likely to figure out they’re getting’ hosed by politicians. Remember, politicians are the ones promising that they love Nevada and want to help her citizens. Then they go off and eliminate funding for schools. Keep that in mind next time you’re in a voting booth. That is, if you’re smart enough to remember when to vote.



Dumb kids = dumb adults #2. Dumb adults do dumb things. They rob convenience stores, they cook up batches of meth in the garage and/or solicit gay sex in airport bathrooms. Dumb adults means we’ll always need more and more money for more and more cops.



Here’s the crux of today’s biscuit…if children really are the future, we’re screwed. We spend billions and billions and billions of dollars blowin’ up brown-skinded brothers in far away lands but we say we don’t have enough money to educate our kids. The youth of America lag behind every industrialized nation in things like science and math and reading…you know, the important stuff. WTF do you think they’re gonna be like when they’re all growed up? They’re gonna be fat, and lazy, and disinterested, and bolivious to the shit-storm swirling all around. And do you know who they have to blame? Nobody but you.



(8.-)

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Crossing Guards


One of the true joys we get here at PTB is poking fun at Utah…our neighbors to the east. No matter what the joke, if you use the Beehive State as the punchline, you’ll get a laugh every time. Check it:



When a UHP officer takes a dirt nap, the Utah Highway Patrol Association puts up a cross to mark the spot. The cross is adorned with the highway patrol's logo and a small plaque with a photo and short biography of the fallen trooper, as well as the trooper's name, rank, badge number and year of death. So WTF is the problem?



A bunch of Godless Atheists from Texas got together and sued the state of Utah saying crosses are religious symbols. Utahans disagree. A joint resolution by the Utah Legislature in 2006 declared the cross a nonreligious, secular symbol of death. Now, y’all don’t need lawyers or judges to decide this one, just a bit of common sense.



First of all, if a dead UHP officer was Jewish or Muslim would the state of Utah erect a Star of David or a Holy Crescent? No? Strike one.



Secondly, is the cross a secular symbol of death? Nope. The cross symbolizes JZeus and Christianity. The secular symbol of death? Skull and Crossbones. Believe it. Strike two.



And lastly, try this experiment. Roll on up to the Utah Statehouse with your cross and start rubbing your butt on it. Even better…pull a Regan MacNeil with it. AYE CARAMBA! Wanna know what’d happen? You’d be in jail faster than A-Fraud can fake a hip injury. Strike three. Yer out!



The State of Utah might say that crosses are secular. Too bad they don’t practice what they preach.



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Monday, March 9, 2009

Dolls and Sense





Well, Barbie turned fifty years old today. Funny, she doesn’t look a day over nineteen. Here at PTB we have a special place in our hard…ummm…HEART for Barbie. After all, she was the only girlfriend we had ‘til we went off to college….but that’s a crux of a different biscuit.





You’d think an iconic doll like Barbie would cause little commotion in the sleepy world of toys. You’d think, but you’d be wrong. Turns out, this year’s edition of our petite, plastic, paramour has everyone’s Underoos in a bunch. Why? ‘Cause Barbie comes with TATS! That’s right…little girls and boys from all over the world can tramp stamp their dolls to look like the real thing.



That got us to thinkin’ ‘bout other editions of Barbie you could release that’d cheese off the “holier-than-thous.”



There could be the Maury Povich Barbie where the doll would come on the MoPoShow and have seven guys DNA tested to see who the baby-daddy is.



There could be the Bernie Madoff Barbie who takes all your money then disappears along with her Malibu Barbie yacht and mansion set.



You could have an Alex Rodriguez Barbie who admits to getting breast implants years ago but swears she hasn’t had any other plastic surgery since then. In the meantime, you’d have to send her back to the factory to fix her messed up hip – a byproduct of having such humongous bazongas.



Lastly, if you wanted to, you could get a Rush Limbaugh Barbie. She’d be strung out on OxyContin and Cialis and when you pulled her string she’d start whining and complaining about commies, and socialists, and liberals, and gays, and Ted Kennedy’s jowls.



There you have it…HAPPY BIRTHDAY Barbie. We’re gonna get back into the closet and dig up our old favorite Barbie. Like Nikky Boone said in Remember the Titans, “I’m not playing with dolls. I’m accessorizing.”


(8.-)

Friday, March 6, 2009

The Schoolhouse Rock Bush and Cheney Never Saw




Damn...we've had this ear worm for the last couple of days. It'll be good to get it out of our system. It's gonna be a GREAT weekend though! Remember, "Spring Forward" Sunday at 2am. It's the (only) best thing George W. Bush did as pResident. Thanks chimp-dick...at least you did SOMETHING right!!!


(8.-)

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Socialistically Inept




Strange, the right-wing nut jobs don't want federal money when it comes to helping the unemployed, the homeless or the elderly ('cause that'd be socialism) but they have no problem whatsoever sucking off the federal teat for things like bank bailouts and the military-industrial complex.





So, the question we have is: If spending government money on those less fortunate than us is “socialism,” WTF is spending government money on blowin’ the crap outta people? Oh yeah…it’s called “spreading democracy through capitalism.” We sure have some fucked up priorities here in the USo'A. No wonder JZeus is spinning in His grave.




@:
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Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Ground Control to Major Tom




Seeing this...in real time...BOOM goes the dynamite! We offer up a couple o' haikus in rememberance...


Bye bye duck, duck, goose
You float like a butterfly
We land like a bee


Up up and away
We're leaving on a jet plane
Then we riverdance



@:
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Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Adding it Up


Today is one of those days that math geeks, goobers, dorks and (some) bloggers look forward to immensely…Square Root Day! YEE HAW! It only happens nine times a century. Celebrations are off the chain: Some folks cut root vegetables into squares, others make food in the shape of a square root symbol. Damn, the geeks sure know how to par-tay! Either way, SRD is way better than Circumference Day…that’s when we all walk around in circles for 24 hours straight. YIKES!



There’s a University in Liverpool, England offering a degree in…wait for it…wait for it….The Beatles! WTF is up with that? Whadda they call it? Obla Di Obla Doctorate? What’s next? Is the University of Alabama gonna offer a Master’s Degree in Lynyrd Skynyrd and call it “Workin’ for MBA”? Damn…and we thought the University of Nevada system was screwed up.



Finally, speaking of music…we’ve always been fans of Schoolhouse Rock. Hell, that’s how we learned what a verb is, the preamble to the Constitution and how naughty number nine can be. Well, they’ve come out with Schoolhouse Rock for the new millennium. It’s called “Sound Science” and it combines rap music with lessons in the various sciences. We here at PTB think that’s a great idea and we’ve gotta give big props to the brown-skinded brothers who have to write the lyrics. Can you imagine ANYTHING harder than rhyming with the periodic table, dinosaurs or geologic time scales? Neither can we.



(8.-)

Monday, March 2, 2009

Baseball's Been Barry Barry Good to Him


Today was supposed to be the start of the “Trial of the Century.” Yeah, we know…less than nine years in and we’re already calling it the “Trial of the Century” but whadda ya gonna do? ANYWAY…Barry Bonds and his behemoth punkin' head were supposed to appear in court today to answer charges he lied, under oath, about juicin’. Last week the government-cheese decided they couldn’t go forward with the case ‘cause their “evidence” against Bonds was tossed by the judge. Which brings us to the crux of today’s biscuit



The feds have been on Bonds’ ass for more than three years. They’ve had all that time to get their shit together and prosecute the case. Now they want more time. WTF is up with that? The douchebags at the Justice Department have wasted enough energy and resources on this witch hunt. There are 104 names in the Mitchell Report and the only ballplayer they’re goin’ after is Bonds. They’re keeping this thing goin’ longer than Cal Ripkin’s consecutive game streak. While we’re not Barry Bonds fans here at PTB, we’re on his side on this one. Yo, Justice Department…either present your evidence and proceed with your case or STFU and gets ta steppin’. Here in the USo’A, the Constitution promises us a fair and SPEEDY trial. Taking almost a half a decade to prosecute ONE ‘roidin’ ballplayer, is plain BSC.



(8.-)