Haim Highs and Lo-Hans

Former child star Corey Haim took a dirt nap last night and everyone seems caught off guard. Let me get this straight...he becomes rich and famous beyond imagination at a very young age, throws it all away on alcohol and drugs and nasty-assed monkey sex with groupies and y'all are surprised? The only thing surprising about this story is that it didn't happen earlier.

Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade over their Super Bowl commercial. L2’s lawyers say that the use of the name Lindsay in the spot is a direct reference to her because “many celebrities are known by one name only.” They’re right. Madonna…Cher…Pele and the like are so famous they are known by one name. Lindsay Lohan? Fuckin’-A lady…no one over the age of thirty or under the age of twenty-five even know who the hell you are. This smells like a frivolous lawsuit brought by an egocentric publicity hound. Yo LoLo…don’t quit your day job. That is, if you even have one. Hope you saved your money, toots!

And lastly today. A new poll out says that most Americans believe God is involved in their everyday lives and is concerned with their personal well-being. Really? Isn’t this the 21^st Century? Look guys. If there was an Invisible Man in the Sky who gave a schnizzle about your personal well-being, don’t you think he’d lower your cholesterol, drop those extra pounds, get you a better paying job and stop that Kenyan-born, socialist, Marxist, fascist, secret Muslim from passing healthcare? He sure would. But since there isn’t…He won’t. Get over it folks…we’re all on our own and there’s nothing that JZeus’ Dad can, or will, do about it.

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Why I Love Me Some Sad Songs

This is a perfect reflection of the mood I've been in lately. The band is The Kings of Leon. Thank JZeus' dad for inventing music. True dat.

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Meanderthal

She’s 47 million years old and her name is Ida. No, she’s not John McCain’s sister, she’s the missing link. An appropriate time for a haiku, neh?

Evolution? Yes.
"Believers" can now believe.
Thank God for science.



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Shave and a Haircut...Two Bits

Question: If the RNC shelled out $150,000 to dress Caribou Barbie…doesn’t that make the $200 John Edwards spent on a haircut seem kinda piddly?



Yesterday, VPILF Sarah Palin said that the election is “in God’s hands.” Question: If the Palin/McCain ticket loses, does that mean that God hates republicans or just Governor Palin? Does it mean JZeus' Dad likes Barack Obama? That would be one hell of an endorsement.



Speaking of endorsements…over the weekend Former Secretary of State Colin Powell endorsed the ‘Bamer. That was enough for us. Colin Powell is a big hero ‘round here at PTB. What followed though, made us wanna ralph. For the last few days, the tighty-righties have been hammering Powell. Seems they think he’s some kinda traitorous, terrorist-lovin’, un-American, elitist, liberal. Ya know, we don’t mind those terms bein’ used against almost anyone…but Colin Powell? C’mon. Anyone questioning Powell’s patriotism or judgment needs to have their head examined.


(8.-)

Donald...DUCK!

Here at PTB we’re not necessarily anti-religion – anyone who wants to believe in an Invisible Man in the Sky…more power to you. After all, that’s what America is about…we can believe in anything we want and the Government-Cheese (for the most part) has to STFU. No, what gets our Underoos in a bunch is the hypocrisy and the overall BSC things people do in the name of religion…just ask Leo DaVinci.



A couple of days back, Saudi Arabian cleric Sheik Muhammad Munajid was pissed. He was so mad, in fact, that he issued a fatwa. We never could understand how men of God could give out death sentences like they were hors d’oeuvre samplers at WalMart but we digress…



Munajid asked his followers to kill what he described as “one of Satan’s soldiers.” Cool…we always wondered who Beelzebub’s Rambo was…for a time we just figured it was George W. Bush. Alas, we were wrong. But who could be the big bad bringer of evil and what could he have done to get an invitation to take a dirt nap? Munajid issued his fatwa against…wait for it…wait for it…



Mickey Mouse. SHEESH!



According to the Sheik, everything Mickey touches becomes impure. He went on to say that under Sharia law, “Both household mice and their cartoon counterparts must be killed.” Now, we understand needing to control rodents in and around the house. No one wants to wake up with the Hantavirus. But you don’t need a fatwa for that…just buy a cat. But Mickey Mouse? The only thing less dangerous than Mickey is the Russian Army. Sure, that squeaky voice is enough to drive anyone crazy and those red pants are WAY gay but to issue a fatwa? Puh-leeze. Yo Sheik…grab a clue. If you don’t like Mickey Mouse, don’t send your minions on a suicide mission…just grab the remote and turn off the fuckin’ T.V. That’ll make things easy on all of us. Especially Minnie.




(8.-)

Why Book Learnin is Expensive

Adam and Eve
went to the tree
to take a bite of knowledge.


God came down
and looked around
And said, “Now pay your own way through college!



(8.-)



Special props to our own Casey Kasten for helpin’ out with that one. It’s a beautiful sight seein’ those Reynolds School of Journalism grads hard at work.

Christian Heal Thyself

E-van-gel-ism n. “Militant zeal for a cause.”

One of the biggest problems facing the world today is the thought among some people that their God is the one and only. Any other belief is blasphemy. Hell and damnation, fire and brimstone are sure to bring down the non-believer. Either that, or a strap-on vest or IED. ANYWAY…

Longtime readers know that here at PTB we don’t buy into any of that superstitious mumbo jumbo. We’re pretty sure that the Invisible Man in the Sky doesn’t give a rat’s ass about anything we do any more than he cares about who wins an Olympic gold medal, an Oscar or the Super Bowl. But according to a new survey, most Americans believe that God can heal a patient even though the sawbones has thrown in the towel. Uh oh, here we go again.

Imagine you have a toothache. OUCH. What’s the first thing you do? Call your dentist? Good idea. Reach for a bottle of Advil? Nice choice. Hit the sauce? It’s the poor man’s Advil. Ramble down to the drugstore and get a tube of Orajel? Couldn’t hurt. What we’re trying to say is, the first thing on your mind isn’t, “Please God, heal my toothache.” Why? ‘Cause that kind of voodoo won’t heal your abscessed molar and all but the most fervent believer knows that.

Here’s the crux of today’s biscuit…

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that JZeus can heal a mortals wound. WTF gives you the right to get fixed? Don’t you think God is a little busy with the poor motherhubbards in Darfur? Ever seen the people in the slums of Rio? Do you know what an Untouchable from India goes through? Probably not, if you’re asking Yahweh to fix your toofus while the rest of the world suffers unimaginable horrors.

No, if you’re checkin’ out and askin’ the Big Guy for help…you’re grasping at straws. Besides, if you’re gonna meet your Maker, wouldn’t it kinda cheese Him off if you’d rather do it later rather than sooner?

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Fabrication Nation

The surge is working.



The economy is not in a recession.



The Bible is Americans' favorite book.



Freedom of religion.



Freedom of the press.



We're winning the war on terror.



America is the greatest country in the world.



If your head is spinning from all the crap they've been feeding you, you're not alone. Problem is, they'll keep cramming it down your pie-hole as long as you keep gulping it down. The only way to stop it, is to stop it ourselves.



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Do Unto Others...Unless They're the Same Sex

“Radical” Muslim

“Fundamentalist” Christian

“Ultra Orthodox” Jew


We here at PTB think that if you’re any of the above…yer BSC. These type of zealots are stuck in the Dark Ages and when the shit hits the grill they blame the behaviors of their enemies for bringing the wrath of God.


As everyone knows, we here at PTB don’t believe in the “Invisible Man in the Sky”. But it seems the ones who do are phony as “compassionate conservatism”. The latest example:


Six earthquakes have hit Israel since November. Shlomo Benizri, of the ultra-Orthodox Jewish Shas Party, said yesterday that the tremors had been caused by lawmaking that gave "legitimacy to sodomy".


We like our sodomy here at PTB. Nothin’ like a hummer to get your day started but that’s not the point. The crux of our biscuit is that if God hates fags…why did He/She make ‘em in the first place? Was He/She drunk on the job? Did He/She just phone it in on that day? Is God incompetent or just not paying attention? We say none of the above.


You see, earthquakes are caused by tectonic forces…not supernatural forces. If God quakes gay people & sodomites, how come San Francisco has been quiet for more than a decade and Wells, Nevada rumbled like the belly of a starving fat man just this morning?


Open Note To God…Yo G…there are millions more gays and sodomites in the Bay or NYC than there are in the eastern side of the 775. Hell, if you wanna rumble some gay Silver Staters…shake ‘Vegas baby and leave Wells alone!


Open Note to Shlomo… Yo Shlo…do you know what homosexual position is called a “Shlomo”? Yeah…we thought you did.


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The REAL Reasons God Hates Reno

Regular readers of PTB know that we don't put much faith in the "Invisible Man in the Sky." We do believe however, that people can worship anything they want. That's what the USofA is all about. Then here comes the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas. It seems that the most God-less church in all of Christdom is of the opinion that God hates Reno. AWESOME! Better to be hated than to be ignored. According to the group’s Web site, God also hates Sweden, Canada, Ireland and Mexico. So much for the Bikini Team, hockey, Lucky Charms and Jose Feliciano. As it is...we thought we'd try to figure out exactly why the big Kahuna is hatin' on the 775. Here's what we figured:

Top Ten Reasons God Hates Reno


10. He’s shorter than John Ascuaga.

9. We don’t care how you spend your money.

8. Our burning bushes are made out of neon.

7. We worship in our own way on Sundays.

6. We covet our neighbor’s wife, his asses and everything else he has. That’s the way the economy works.

5. We think Nevada is God’s country and Nevadan’s are Gods chosen people. That’s why we’re all so good looking.

4. We think the best things God made were the female body, the male body and Lake Tahoe. Not necessarily in that order.

3. We think of beer as “God’s favorite drink.”

2. We don’t care where you stick your woody.

1. We call spending 40 nights in the desert “Burning Man.”

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Fleecing the Flock

We're not big believers here at PTB.


We're of the opinion that religion kills.


But more and more the "Soul Patrol" is trying their damndest to get into our business.


Here's where the hypocrisy hits the road...


It seems that a goodly number of God-lies have been pimpin' their rides...makin' over the home front and living the vida loca...


The government-cheese doesn't think the dollars should be lining the pockets of these wannabe profits (pun intended).


Funny thing is, in Luke 18:24-25 (that's in the bible for all you heathens) the SOG was pretty clear on the matter.


Bundle up motherhubbards...it's colder than a blue nut where you're goin'!!!


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God Said What?

Let's see if we can get this straight...


The MoSup of a bunch of Po' Nuns says she talks to the G-Man.


The Pope then tosses 'em out of the Church, cuts off their water and electricity and then has the cops perp-walk 'em out of their digs.


They get to come back into the church if they repent. We never knew that talking to the invisible being in the sky was a sin.


Guess it is now.


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Tri-Ku

Worlds Greatest Country
doesn't spend to cure disease.
Thank God for comics.




World's Greatest Country
spends time and money to kill
the enemies of God.




If we're the greatest
country in this whole wide world,
why do they hate us?




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