We're sayin' sayonara to 2008 with one thought on our minds...no matter how bad y'all think things are...it could always be worse.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Apparently, the CIA has been using the little blue pill to bribe elder tribesmen out in the backcountry and, according to the Agency, its working. WTF? With all the primo ganja and the top-of-the-line opium in Afghanistan, don’t those poor people have enough trouble with drugs? Here’s the crux of today’s biscuit…
To get Viagra here in the States, you need a ‘scrip from an M.D…elsewise it’s called possession of a controlled substance. But to win over the hearts and minds of the Afghani people we’re bribing ‘em with a controlled substance. SHEESH! We burn the shit out of their pot farms and trash their poppy fields, tellin’ the folks that drugs are bad then we turn around and give ‘em illegal boner pills. And you wonder why we think this war sucks? This is one more reason in a long, long, long list.
Monday, December 29, 2008
The problem here in the United States of Puritanism is that most people think sex is a bad thing. It’s not our fault. The government-cheese and those that speak for JZeus’ Dad continually bombard us with the thought that putting tab "A" into slot "B" or slot "C" or slot "D" is wrong. Both groups tell us when we can and cannot do it, where we can and cannot do it and who we can or cannot do it with. SHEESH! Makes you wonder how the species survives. Well, don’t fret peoples. We’ve got good news for y’all.
A report just out says that folks who take "abstinence pledges" and "virginity pledges" are just as likely to have sex as those of y’all who don’t take a pledge. The first thought up from our mind shaft was "DUH!" That’s like saying politicians running on the platform of government ethics are just as likely to take a bribe as say…Rod Blagojevich. Thanks Captain Obvious.
You see, sex is the great motivator. Why else do you think guys buy fancy cars, get educations and occasionally shower? To impress as many ladies as possible with the intention of getting sex. Don’t believe? Ask any guy. Sex is our highest priority. We think about sex almost all the time. That’s why men had to invent sports. ‘Cause if we didn’t, we’d be thinking about sex all the time.
And women aren’t any different from men. Oh sure…they may play shy and innocent and naive but no fire burns hotter than in the loins of a woman. Why do you think women spend so much money on clothes, spend so much time putting on makeup and dreaming of the day that they can get breast implants? So they can get more men to have sex with. It’s an entirely natural thing. Much more natural than thinking an Invisible Man in the Sky gives a crap who you do the horizontal tango with. So go for it folks. Dive in with both feet (if that’s your kinda thing). Have sex. Just don’t let the Government-Cheese catch you putting tab "A" into slot "Z."
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Straight up and simple on this one…If you own a domesticated horse and you can’t afford to keep it so you "let it run free" out in the wild…you should never be allowed to own an animal for the rest of your life. Not even a goldfish. Next thing you know the BSC motherhubbards are droppin’ their pet snakes down the commode. YIKES!
Ausaf Umar Siddiqui, a Vice President at Fry’s, stole 65 million dollars and blamed it on his gambling habit. Up yours douchebag. No one twisted your arm to go into the high roller sections of bourgie casinos. No one had to beg you to hole up in the Emperor’s Suite. Sorry Ausaf, this one is all on you. The good news is, after you serve your sentence you can start working on your restitution…by working at Fry’s. There’s a spot in the shipping/receiving department that has your name written all over it.
Another reason Cali can go to H.E. double toothpicks? We hear tell that the Golden State…wait for it…wait for it…could be flat-broke in two months! Nice job Governator. Yo Cali…you’re the motherhubbards that elected a steroid-abusing jock-strap who’s legislative resume’ highlight was Kindergarten Cop. Y’all get everything you deserve.
The headline read, "Downtown Reno condo project shrinks." The sound of that shrinkage is the collective ball sack of the 775 in the realization that they’ve elected a bunch of hacks who continue selling the future of the region down the river. That is, unless the water table shrinks any more…then there might not even be a river... There is no drought…there is no drought…there is no drought. Rinse. Repeat.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
A few years later, the Soviet Union arguably had the biggest, baddest army in the whole friggin’ world.
Wanna know what they all have in common? They’ve all tried to invade and occupy Afghanistan. The Brits and the Russkies both failed miserably. They got their asses handed to ‘em by a bunch of mujahideen drivin’ camels and shootin’ RPGs made in the ‘50’s. So far, the same thing is happening to us. Now some douchebag with a chest full of fruit salad wants America to commit more troops to the fight in Afghanistan. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again…there’s no way in hell that our army is gonna win in Afghanistan. No. Way.
We’re not trying to be defeatist here, we’re just looking at things through objective eyes. The Afghan people don’t like us, the USo’A has killed thousands of innocent Afghan civilians in strikes against “insurgents” and the President of Afghanistan is seen as a puppet of the U.S. Government. We burn their crops and stop them from making money the only way they know how…by cultivating and processing poppies. There aren’t enough F-22’s in the world to stop the Afghan people from throwing out the “invaders.” Let’s just hope someone on the high side of the chain of command realizes that as well. Elsewise Afghanistan will go 3-0 against the world’s greatest armies and more of our brave soldiers will have died in vain.
Friday, December 19, 2008
We got into an office pool a while back. The object was to try to figure out which group o’ folks the ‘Bamer was gonna get pissed off first. We chose tighty-righty ‘cause we thought BHOb was gonna take down Dr. Evil on war crimes charges. We were wrong. Nothing unusual there. What is unusual is that he pissed off…wait for it…wait for it…the GAYS! Uh oh.
The GLBT folks are mad, and rightly so, ‘cause the President-elect chose BSC Rick Warren to give the invocation at the inauguration. Rick Fuckin’ Warren. What, Adolph Hitler Campbell wasn’t available? Anyway…that got us to thinkin’ ‘bout who else Barry-O coulda picked to lay out an opening prayer and who that would have pissed off…
Reverend Jeremiah Wright would be the pick that pissed off everyone that still thinks Sadaam Hussein was behind 9/11, that the Iraq and Afghanistan wars are still winnable and people who think it’s O.K. to give $700 Billion to the moneychangers.
Bishop Thomas Muthee getting picked would piss off VPILF Sarah Palin, alleged Kenyan witches, accused Kenyan witches and actual Kenyan witches.
FLDS President Warren Jeffs as a pick would piss off anyone who’s never been married, anyone who’s been married to Warren Jeffs and the entire state of Utah.
Picking Pastor Ted Haggard would piss off meth addicts, male prostitutes and the entire membership of National Association of Evangelicals.
You see…no matter who the ‘Bamer picked for his inaugural invocation, someone was gonna get mad. That is, unless he picked the rotted corpse of Mother Theresa to give the invocation. She probably doesn't look much different.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Some brotherhubbard was quoted in the RGJ saying, "Liquor stores contribute to loitering, public drunkenness, armed robbery and the recent murder of a store clerk." Ummm...no. Liquor stores contribute taxes to the state, county and city. They provide jobs and convenient places to shop for neighborhood residents. Don’t blame liquor stores for the sins of a few douchebags. Responsibility for the crimes mentioned lies directly in the laps of the perps.
Dude went on to show the Council a “crack pipe” he says he bought at a local liquor store saying the stores sell drug paraphernalia. This is the kind of cheese-dick mentality that permeates the 775. Listen up short-bus ...it's not a crack pipe 'til you smoke crack out of it. Elsewise, it's just a pipe.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
A spokeshead for ShopRite said that they reserve the right not to print anything on a cake that they deem to be “inappropriate.” WTF would ShopRite know about “inappropriate?” Besides, how is a baby’s name inappropriate? Would they refuse to put a name on a cake if it was Osama bin Laden Johannsen? Attila the Hun Smith? George W. Bush?
Now, everyone knows there are some BSC ‘rents out there and they can get pretty creative when naming their l’il ones. Remember Moon Unit Zappa? But the crux of today’s biscuit is simple…
In the USo’A you can name your little one anything you want and ShopRite has no right refusing to put that name on a birthday cake. You might not like the person’s name, you might not like the person’s color or national origin or sexual orientation but, in America ALL men are created equal…even Adolph Hitler Campbell.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Normally we don’t go back-to-back with subjects here at PTB. But the Iraqi shoe dude was even funnier than when Chimp-Dick almost died from an attack by snack food. It was so friggin’ hilarious it got us to thinkin’…
The dumbass missed twice at close range. Now the Red Sox want to sign him to counter all the money the Yankees gave pitchers C.C. Sabathia and AJ Burnett.
Think about it…shoe-dude, in his whole life, was probably picked last for dodgeball every time. GWB, on the other hand played a lot of dodgeball during and after college. It was either dodgeball or Vietnam. Now you know.
Betcha we could pay off the national debt, bail out the banking, the insurance and the auto industry if we offer everyone in the USo’A the opportunity to throw their shoe at pResident Bush for a dollar. We’d pay a couple of bucks to toss our Chuck Taylors.
We noticed the shoe dude was wearing the latest Nike Air Amman, Jordans.
Ever wonder how things would be different today if Lee Harvey Oswald woulda used a shoe?
Monday, December 15, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Well...Jethro got his casino.
Now, finally, the 775 can be known as a mecca of high-end entertainment.
We'll be out back in the cement pond eatin' possum stew from the buffet and drinkin' Granny's 'shine from the combo sports bar/woodshed.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
With the continuing effort to get us all fired up about Wolf Pack football, here's what we get:
A bowl game in the exciting metropolis of friggin'
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Several artists have hooked up in protest ‘cause their music is being used to torture prisoners at Gitmo. We can understand that playing tunes with the volume cranked to 11 amounts to physical torture. You could really get a couple of eardrums a ringin’ if you go loud enough. What worries us here at PTB is Gitmo’s pick in torture music. Ya think any of those poor brown-skinded brotherhubbards speak English? No. So it really doesn’t matter what the lyrics of the song are, just how loud you play it. The bands they favor…Nine Inch Nails, AC/DC, Rage Against the Machine and Pantera we can understand. They’re all oogity boogity metal bands. Ooo…scary. But Queen? Are they serious? You’d have to crank Fat Bottomed Girls pretty loud to make that scary. What’d really scare the beJZeus out of the bad guys would be to show ‘em a video of Queen with Freddie Mercury all dressed to the hilt. Aye caramba!
How ‘bout rap? You should see what an 808 bass drop can do to a guy in a 6x6 concrete closet. BANG!
Five of the scariest words ever uttered in song:
But our favorite? The Shaggs. One of their best is My Pal Foot Foot. CAUTION: “Listening to the Shaggs may result in space dementia, Stevie Wonder-vision, Captain Quint breath, Charlie Brown head or Blagojevichitis.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Can you imagine the state of Nevada today without alcohol? YIKES! We’d have to rename ourselves West Utah. BLECH! Think of it this way…who’d wanna see some cracked out skank do a pole dance if alcohol wasn’t involved? No one. Do you know how boring video poker is when you’re sober? BORING! Even worse, if Prohibition was still in effect, the only commercials you’d see on the Super Bowl would be for cars and tampons. Aye caramba!
Besides, look at all the jobs that legal alcohol has created. From brewmeisters and distributors to bartenders, cocktail waitresses and alcohol abuse counselors. Alcohol is responsible for thousands of jobs in the Silver State. Heck-fire, if the PoPo didn’t have DUI checkpoints to do, they’d have to go out and do some REAL police work like catching bad guys and stuff.
The crux of our biscuit today is simple. In the 13 years that alcohol was illegal in America, alcohol-related deaths soared. Why? Without government oversight, people were making nasty, rot gut swill from crap like kerosene, lighter fluid and ass wax. But people drank anyway. The fact that it was illegal didn’t dissuade anyone from drinking. Not even the possibility of death stopped folks from tyin’ one on. Making booze illegal diverted the cops’ attention from really bad guys like murderers and rapists. You go Elliot Ness! Prohibition was an abject failure.
We look back on it now and romanticize the bootleggers and the rum runners from days past. How quaint those huckleberry moonshiners were! So what’s the difference between the Dukes of Hazzard and some poor brown-skinded brother bringin’ a load of the ganja across the border or growing it in his hydroponic grow room? Nothing. Keeping the prohibition against marijuana is just as stupid-assed as the prohibition against alcohol. Maybe one day we’ll learn. Probably not…but maybe.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
The RCC voted 4-2 in favor of the Spring Mountain Project. That’s the development north of town that’ll produce 12,000 new homes and bring 23,000 people to the area. WTF are these people thinking? With the economic crisis we’re in, no one is buying the houses that already exist, a lot of the folks who have bought houses are having trouble paying their mortgages and economists are predicting this shit-storm to last another three years. YIKES! Combine all that with the fact that the western USo’A is in the middle of the worst drought in a couple of thousand years and you have yourself one big fat hairy boondoggle. When they run for office, they say they have our best interests at heart. They lie.
At the same meeting, council members voted to delay new liquor licenses in the area for 90 days. Councilwoman Jessica “My Daddy Was the Mayor” Sferrazza said that people on Wells Avenue are concerned about all the new stores opening up that are selling booze and bongs. Councilman Dan “I Used to be A Celebrity” Gustin added that a number of “seedy bars” have opened on California Avenue and in Downtown Reno. Look guys…bars, by their very nature, are “seedy.” So are casinos, strip clubs and brothels. But this is the 775, we don’t live in friggin’ Utah. We love us our sinnin’ ways! In these tough economic times it makes no sense trying to limit ANY tax revenue. Besides, without sex, drugs, gambling and alcohol to divert our attention from our dismal existences we’d have nothing to do except wonder WhoTF put all those houses in the middle of our open spaces.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
This is friggin’ America. We’re Americans and we can say anything we want. So what’s the harm in letting the WBC’s protest at a funeral?
People can learn a lot from the WBC’s. The hatred, bigotry and intolerance they show is a perfect example of how religion keeps people apart rather than bringing them together.
Now some of y’all might be wondering about what’s called “clear and present danger.” That might work for yelling “Fire!” in a crowded theatre but it doesn’t have any juice in this argument. Why? What danger do the WBC’s protest cause (other than the possibility of them getting their collective asses kicked by irate mourners)? None. They’re Americans and they have the same right to free speech as the rest of us…no matter how fucked up their message is.
So the next time the WBC’s or the Klan or Rush Limbaugh hit the streets to spout their messages of hate, gather up all the little chillens, bring ‘em over and let ‘em listen. “What’s that I hear?” says little Timmy. "Tim my boy…that’s the sound of an endangered species…Douchebagis Collectivus Religious. Better known as a bunch of religious douchebags." Learn baby, learn.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Well, it looks like Captain Steubing has finally grabbed a clue and found a way to foil those pesky pirates off the coast of Somalia. Sunday in the Gulf of Aden, a couple of skiffs loaded with bad guys started shooting at the M/S Nautica. So what’d the captain do? He put the pedal to the metal and dusted the rat-bastards. SEE YA! Hey, why didn’t anyone think of that before?
Here at PTB we love the fact that cruise lines aren’t taking anymore crap from these Blackbeards. We just wish they’d take it farther. Next time a boatload of pirates rolls up on a cruise ship, why not let the passengers get in on the action with a hundred or so skeet rifles? Better yet, cruise ships could carry a couple dozen WWII era depth charges. You know, those bad-assed, 55 gallon barrel looking things? You can bet a lot of those bourgie passengers would pay top scratch to get to catapult a couple of those babies at a skiff full of pirates.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Over the weekend NFL player Plaxico Burress was at a nightclub in the Big Apple where he pulled a Cheddar Bob and shot himself in the leg. Good shootin’ bro. Plax, like lots of other athletes, carries heat for “protection.” We don’t buy it.
First of all, just ‘cause Plax thinks people recognize him as a celebrity when he hits the town doesn’t make it true. There are very few athletes people could pick out of a crowd. Don’t believe it? Everyone knows who Brett Favre is and what he looks like but can you name one other person on his team? If you can’t even name another player, HTF are you gonna recognize one in a club? You probably won’t.
Second of all, why do you have to carry a gun? Aren’t you a big, bad professional football stud? Wouldn’t pepper spray work just as well? How ‘bout a Taser? Problem with a gun is, there’s no middle ground. Pop a cap in someone or not.
The thing is, jocks get special treatment at an early age. Show a propensity for math? Geek. Show an interest in science? L7. But show some athletic ability and they’ll be lickin’ yer nut sack for the duration. People make athletes into heroes and athletes believe it. Then they hit the clubs packin’ knowing full well that nothing good can come from bringin’ a piece to a party.
Rule #1… If the party needs a gun, stimulants or downers…its not a party. Remember, your pistola and ego are fickle friends…and they’ll both get you into trouble in the end.