Here at PTB we love us some NBA All-Star weekend. No other sport compares. MLB has juiced-up ‘roid-ragers hitting candy-assed fastballs into Bolivia. Weak. The NFL barely shows up to play the week after the Super Bowl. Lame. The NHL’s all-star game? Fuggeddaboudit. No, we’ll take the NBA with its slam dunk contest and the three point shoot-out over that other crap any day. And this weekend is gonna be even more special. For the first time in NBA all-star history, they’re gonna have a game of H-O-R-S-E. YEE HAW!!!




As you probably already knew, H-O-R-S-E was invented by the Greeks as a way to end the siege of Troy back during the Trojan War. The Greeks got the victory when Ajax the Lesser sank a half-court hook shot and the Trojans couldn’t respond. Too bad all wars couldn’t be decided by a game of H-O-R-S-E. Hell, if that were the case, America would regain her place as the greatest country in the world. How? Barry's got game. He’d take out a can of whoopass on Kim Jong Il, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or Fidel Castro. The 'Bamer is a flat-out baller. Besides, do you know how hard it is to shoot hoops dressed like a Taliban or al Qaeda? The friggin’ robes get in the way of everything. Besides, have you ever tried shooting a basketball while holding an AK-47? Not easy.




ANYWAY…we might not settle the world’s problems with a game of H-O-R-S-E (unless it's the 1977-1978 version)…but it sure beats the way we do things now. Hope y’all have a great weekend…we’ll be watchin’ hoops.




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Pay for Play

Today we wanna talk about two things we know a lot about but, sadly, have very little of…sex and money. Livin’ in Mom & Dad’s basement and blogging all day isn’t as glamorous or lucrative as you might think.


Y’all know that the Silver State is in a crunch for cash. Thank you Chimp-Dick. The Government-Cheese is cutting so much it looks like Floyd the Barber on steroids. Well, a couple of days ago, the economic powers-that-be got together to figure out our financial future. What did they come up with?


“We have to teach people to compete like never before, and enjoy it," said John Luthy, a “speaker-facilitator” (read: overpaid lackey) talking to the Nevada Commission on Economic Development. Great. Their idea on turning around our economy is for the little guy to work HARDER. This bobblehead gets PAID to spout nonsense? YIKES! Well…we’re here to tell you about our idea to get us out of this financial shitstorm. Y’all won’t have to work any harder but like Mr. Luthy mentioned above…you’ll enjoy it!


Last year, a brother paid $145,000 for the rights to the name of “Mustang Ranch.” The name only. SHEESH! Lord knows what the brother woulda paid for…you know…ACTUAL boobies but that’s the crux of our biscuit today.


Nevada should mainstream prostitution. “RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!” say the puritanical hypocrites. Not so fast people…check it.


The selling of sexual favors is already legal in most parts of the state. Problem is, where it IS legal…is the middle of BFE! But if The Silver State makes it as easy to get laid as it is to order a pizza, there’ll be several positive results…



The tax money generated from legal prostitution would make gaming taxes look like an old, worn out dollar bill.


No skanks hasslin’ tourists on the street.


No more violence against streetwalkers by pimps and johns.


No more need for the PoPo to go undercover to bust horny people. They’ll be able to go catch the REAL bad guys like murders and rapists and terrorists and Karl Rove.


It would be HUGE for the tourism industry. Do you know how many sexually repressed people there are just in Utah? MILLIONS. Hell, people would come to Nevada from around the world just to check it out.


Now, we know a lot of y’all out there got your Underoos in a bunch over this idea so we wanna give you an example of the hypocrisy of the illegality of selling one’s body for the horizontal tango.


A nineteen-year-old kid, just outta high school can sell his body to the NBA to play basketball. He’ll get damned good money for it too. Hell, Major League Baseball buys their meat as young as sixteen years old. You can sell you body (for not much) to Uncle Sam. You won’t get any sex out of it but you sure might get IED’ed. So, if people can sell their bodies for all sorts of work, even dangerous work, why make it illegal to charge money to put Tab “A” into Slot “B”?


Heck, if you have sex with a woman (or man) that you picked up in the bar but didn’t charge any money, that’d be legal. So, what makes swapping scratch for scratches on your back so bad?


No, we say legalize sex for money. Make it as easy as goin’ to the drive-thru at McDonalds. When they do…as always…we’ll have to order from the Dollar Menu.



(8.-)

Freeballin' Friday

Artown 2008 ended last night with a performance by the Harlem Gospel Choir. More than 3,000 people jammed into Wingfield Park to catch the show. Curious factoid…when the HGC arrived in the 775 the number of brown-skinded brothers in the area DOUBLED!

Question: If the drought here in the 775 keeps going, where are all the newbies gonna get their water? We’ve been sayin’ it for years…water is the new gold.

The NBA’s D-League team in Reno got a name…Bighorns. Puh-Leeze! Aren’t bighorns part of the SHEEP family? They named our team after a four-legged, head-bangin’ vegetarian. Bummer.

It seems that the Rail City wants to bail out of the RSCVA. We can understand that. Sparks NEVER got props from the RSCVA. We do wonder...if Sparks is gonna form its own bureau, where they gonna get the money to pay for it? Just asking.

Michelle Wie is tied for 77th place at the Legends Reno-Tahoe Open (what, no mention of Sparks?). Hey Wie Wie…go back and play with the girls ‘til you win something there. Now, you’re just takin’ bread outta some poor man’s wallet.

Finally, Hot August Nights starts up this weekend. It’s a celebration of a simpler time when minorities were treated like shit, women were discouraged from working and the only drugs in baseball were alcohol and nicotine. WARNING! Watch out for blue hairs with blue plates drivin’ momma’s hoopty. Fuel is so expensive now, they’re not gonna stop for anything (except maybe to buy more gas).

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Mommie Dearest

Call him what you will – Little Mac…Baby “J”…Doc Hollywood – but don’t call him a Nevada basketball player anymore. That’s right. JaVale McGee, smoother than a Brazilian bikini line, took his mama’s advice and will now take his game to the bank.



Those in the know have pegged McGee to go in the middle of the first round. That’s instant millionaire turf there but that’s as far as things could go for him. Nevada basketball players have fared poorly in the big show recently -- Fuzzy…Sesh…Kirk – none making any impact for their teams (if they’re on a team at all) and all soon to be working with the rest of us shmos, punching a timecard and shleppin’ ‘til 5p rolls around.



The difference between them and Nevada’s newest defector is that they actually won something – you know, like conference championships, NCAA Tournament games, those kinds of things. JV never won diddly. He was a good follower, not so good a leader. Sure, he’d get his stats – HIS stats – but his teams, as a whole, were underachievers. The older JV got, the more he read his clippings…the more he believed them…the less his team won.



He’ll get his spot on the end of someone’s bench next year. He’ll learn quickly about lawyers, baby-mommas and scam artists. He’ll put in his two (or three…or one) and then he’ll be done, just like the rest of ‘em. What he’s gonna miss out on is the opportunity to grow as a player, as a leader, as a winner. No, he’ll be pickin’ splinters outta his ass next year – wearing the same old hang-dog expression -- like someone just kneed him in the cojones – leaving Nevada fans wondering what one more year would have taught him...and given us.



(8.-)

Fa Z U Later!

Sad times here in the 775. Nick Fazekas, the greatest player to ever don Wolf Pack silver and blue, got kicked to the curb by the Dallas Mavericks yesterday. Bummer. We’ve gotta be up front here…Fuzzy was one of our all-time faves but we always knew his game wouldn’t translate to the big show.



In college, Fuzzy tore it up. But opponents like Idaho, Maine, Montana and Arkansas-Pine Bluff don’t help your game when LBJ, the Diesel and Superman are rubbin’ a butt on ya.



This should be a wakeup call to JaVale McGee, Armon Johnson or any other Nevada hoopster considering jumping early. If the biggest, baddest, bestest Wolf Pack basketball player of all time can barely get a cup of coffee in the big show, what makes you think you can make it? Stay the full four (or five) years and enjoy it…’cause when it’s over for you in the 775…it just might ALL be over.



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