Another One Bites the Dust

Last week Mark Souder, a congressman from Indiana, an evangelical Christian who promoted abstinence education and a fire and brimstone Bible thumper resigned from office. His crime? Bangin’ a staffer who was not his wife. Of course.

It’s been said time and time again ‘round here at PTB, it’s really no one’s business if a politician is “hiking the Appalachian Trail” or having a RentBoy “carry his luggage." That is, unless that politician’s entire career is centered around “family values.”

Everyone in the world knew that Slick Willie was gonna be bangin’ skanks in the Oval Office. Everyone in the world knew that John Edwards was a horndog with a wandering doodle. They weren’t trying to foist their moral superiority on people and that was just fine.

The problem comes when a holier-than-thou, homophobic, right-wing nutcase who says that marriage is sanctified by God gets popped doin’ the horizontal mambo with someone other than the missus. Representative Souder did the right thing in resigning...Senator John "Able Semen" Ensign, are you listening?

@:
:@

Presidential Treatment

For a long while now I’ve held the position that the United States Congress should loosen up a bit. Heck-fire, the House and Senate are so boring, it seems like the stick up their ass has a stick up its ass! I think it’d behoove all of us to emulate the British system. In the British House of Commons, it’s not unusual for a legislator to stand up and give Bronx cheer, or the finger or an F-Bomb to the Prime Minister. High comedy indeed. I only mention this ‘cause back here in the USo’A, the loonies on the left and elsewhere are calling for the head of South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson.

Y’all know J-Dub…he’s the brotherhubbard who shouted “You lie!” during the ‘Bamer’s JSo’C speech last night. Now, some people think that Mister Wilson was out of line but y’all gotta remember, this is America. We can say any goddamned thing we want. It’s our right. And, as citizens, it’s our duty to let the government-cheese heads know what we’re thinking. Couldn’t do that in China or Russia or Iran without ‘em slappin’ you in their version of Gitmo. True dat. Another reason I’m siding with Joe Willie on this one is ‘cause for eight long years, all I ever did was shout at George “My Pet Goat” Bush when he was on the tube. Hell, I went through more than two dozen television sets during that period ‘cause every time I saw that smarmy little chimp-dick on television, I’d toss my beer bottle at him. Aye caramba!

So cut Congressman Wilson some slack. At least, being from the S.C., he wasn’t out “hiking the old Appalachian Trail” like Governor Mark “Of The Beast” Sanford. And one quick aside for the tighty-righties out there who think I’m on your side…Bite me. I don’t roll like that. Y’all should think back to the days when you insisted that any criticism of the President of the United States amounted to treason. Remember that Reflublicans?” I do. That was back when your boy WPE was president. Maybe you should show the same kind of respect to the ‘Bamer. You should. But you won’t. That’s just how y’all roll. Hypocrites.

@:

:@

Ted's Dead Baby...Ted's Dead

So Teddy-K is takin’ a dirt nap. Ya know…if any of us regular chucklenuts out here woulda got brain cancer like he did, with the healthcare system we’ve got in the USo’A, we’d all be bankrupt now. No such worries for Ted’s fam, though…he got free medical insurance the minute he was elected to office. That’s forty years of free, taxpayer-supported, top-of-the-line socialized medical treatment. Funny, the politicians who spout off about how bad socialized medicine is are the same ones who have the government-cheese pay for everything. Hypocrites.

A list of who’s happiest that TK kicked the bucket:

1. John Ensign’s parents
2. Mark Sanford’s wee wee
3. Michael Jackson’s doctor
4. Michael Vick’s new teammates
5. Jim Gibbons’ Stimulus Czar
6. Anyone related to Mary Jo Kopechne

But you know who suffers most from this 24 hour news cycle of constantly changing stories? Our brave men and women in uniform. It’s bad enough bein’ in the suck that is Iraq and Afghanistan for no good reason other than to get your ass shot off. But those poor bastards are so yesterday’s story that four of ‘em can get IED’ed in one day and it doesn’t even make the news. Oh yeah…and Beau Bergdahl…GET BACK SOON BEAU! These rat-bastard politicians say they support our troops, now is the time that you see it’s just that…only words.


@:

:@

Hoppin'

There’s a helluva party goin’ on here in the 775. Hot women, hot cars and hot music…it must be Hot August Nights. In celebration, we’ve got you this little tidbit from one of the baddest motherhubbards ever – Glenn Miller. That dude was smoother than a baby’s butt and his boys could do some band damage. Don’t believe it? Watch the dancers during the silent parts of this song…he’s got ‘em still groovin’! The awesome thing about this video is that the band really played the song. Everyone that is, ‘ceptin’ the brother ticklin’ the ivories. That dude’s piano playin’ is as fake as John Ensign and Mark Sanford's commitment to the sanctity of marriage. YIKES!


(8.-)

Thursday Thought Burbles

The founder and big dog over at Blackwater, Erik Prince, thinks he’s on a mission from God to rid the world of Muslims. WTH is the outrage over that? There’s more faux indignation about SoSo bein’ an “activist judge” than about this pin dick bein’ a murderer. Yo EP…you REALLY think JZeus’ Dad told you to kill Muslims? Have you ever even read the Ten Commandments? Dude…you’re about as Christian as Genghis Kahn…but you’ve got the murder and pillaging down to a tee.


If Rush Limbaugh can still joke about Slick Willie’s doodle-wanderings from back in the 90’s, I figure I’ll be able to harass Senator John “Putting the ‘Sin’ in” Ensign and Governor Mark “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” Sanford ‘til the year 2025. Hot-damn, that’s gonna be fun!


Back here in the 775…Governor “Slim” Jim Gibbons (he also of the "wandering penis") wanted a cabinet level position and a couple hundred G's to oversee the spending of the federal stimulus money that he didn’t want in the first place! Aye caramba! Problem is, GJG is a friggin’ Republican! Aren’t they supposed to be the party of smaller government? Yo J-Dog…just be honest with yourself (and us). You’re nothing more than a political hack whose job skills will soon land you takin’ orders at the drive-thru. Good luck with that. Oh yeah...and Dawn Gibbons...the offer is still there...if you need a booty call, you know where to find me!

(8.-)

Willie's Wonker

Well, it looks like Bill Clinton’s wandering doodle finally did some good. Thanks for getting our grrlz back Willie! So, In honor of Bill’s bodacious boner…and in honor of John “I Won’t Resign” Ensign…and in honor of Mark “Holier-Than-Thou” Sanford, we give to you a song written especially for them… BFS’s newest song – My Wena.



BTW…Yo, Senator Ensign and Governor Sanford…at least Tennessee State Senator Paul Stanley had the huevos rancheros to resign. You both are still a couple of wussies!


@:
:@

Nothing to Sneeze At

Earlier this month I posted about Nazi Germany’s bad-assed Stealth bomber. That puppy is one beautiful machine! ANYWAY…on that post I blathered on about how the Nazis woulda won WWII if the BSC little Austrian wasn’t in charge. The world certainly woulda been a different place. How different? Well, for starters, the USoA would have Universal Healthcare. Free medical for life in exchange for douchebag Nazis in charge? Well…they couldn’t have been any worse than the Bush-Wipes.



Speaking of the Bush-Wipes and Universal Healthcare…an open question to Governor Mark “of the Beast” Sanford, Senator John “Able Semen” Ensign and Senator David “Twitter” Vitter:
You chucklenuts all believe that JZeus’ Dad handpicked your sorry asses to help govern this great nation of ours. All y’all are members of the “C-Street” gang and believe in spreading the gospel on taxpayer time and money. That aside…Do you think JZeus would vote for or against Universal Healthcare? Gotcha! You see, no matter how many times you say you’re a Christian, your actions prove that all of you are nothing more than political opportunists, Republican party hacks and soulless, cold-hearted rat-bastard, hypocrites.



One quick story from the 775. The University of Nevada football team has been picked in a couple of polls to finish second to Boise State in the WAC Conference this year. Great. Getting picked to finish second in the WAC is kinda like bein’ the second prettiest “girl” on the all-male cellblock. Aye caramba!


@:
:@

Girl Power

Ladies, ladies, ladies…we love us the ladies here at PTB. That said, we’re gonna drop y’all a pearl of wisdom. Never, never, never, EVER go to the hotel room of a famous athlete, musician, actor or politician. You’d think women everywhere would follow that advice. Wrong.


Ya see, men who get into positions of authority quickly learn that they can do just about anything they want and get away with it. Anyone remember O.J. Simpson? True dat. But instead of thinking with their big heads, they think with their little heads – all except for Johnny “The Wad” Ensign and Mark “of the Beast” Sanford. Those chucklenuts’ tiny (but active) penises are actually bigger than their brains. YIKES!


Yeah, we know it’s tough in our over-glamorized world of stars, and mega-stars, and wannabe stars to not get a little awestruck when one rolls up on you. Heck, that’s natural. But you’ve gotta remember, just like Bowling for Soup says, “High school never ends.” And these megalomaniac, power-hungry, testosterone-laden, misogynistic, jock straps and class presidents think of you as nothing more than pieces of meat. You wanna stay safe around men? Hang with us poor, ugly motherhubbards. We won’t touch your niblets. Heck-fire, we’ll just be happy to see a real, live woman in 3D. After all…here at PTB we do love us the ladies.


(8.-)

Dear John Love Song

I remember when all the games began.
Remember every little lie
and every last goodbye.
Promises you broke, words you choked on
and I never walked away. Its still a mystery to me

Well I'm so empty
I'm better off without you and you're better off without me.
Well you're so UNCLEAN!
I'm better off without you and YOU'RE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME!

THE LYING!
THE BLEEDING!
THE SCREAMING!
WAS TEARING ME APART!
THE HATRED!
DECEIVING!
THE BLEEDING!
IT'S OVER!

Paint the mirrors black (to forget you)
I still picture your face and the way you used to taste.
Roses in a glass dead and wilted.
To you this all was nothing,
everything to you is nothing

Well you're so filthy...
I'm better off without you and you're better off without me.
Well I'm so UGLY!!
You're better off without me and I'M BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU!

THE LYING!
THE BLEEDING!
THE SCREAMING!
WAS TEARING ME APART!
THE HATRED!
THE BEATINGS!
DISASTER!
IT'S OVER!

As wicked as you are...you're beautiful to me.
You're the darkest burning star, your MY PERFECT DISEASE!

THE LYING!
THE BLEEDING!
THE SCREAMING!
WAS TEARING ME APART!
THE HATRED!
THE BEATINGS!
IT'S OVER!
DISASTER!

Five Finger Death Punch -- The Bleeding


BTW...you thing Mark "Of the Beast" Sanford or Johnny "Wad" Ensign ever listened to this kinda stuff after they got popped? Nah.

(8.-)

Vive La France!

When Chimp-Dick and his ilk were bangin’ their illicit war drums, one of the objects of their scorn was France. Remember “Freedom Fries”? Aye caramba…what in the hell were people thinkin’ when they voted for those chucklenuts? Right-wing nutjobs aside, I love the French. What most people don’t know, is that without the French, we’d all be speaking English right now. That said, my new favorite quote:

“Man will not be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest.” – Denis Diderot.

Awesome! But maybe we could amend that to say,

“Man will not be free until the last politician is strangled with the entrails of his sordid hypocrisy.” Yeah…that does the trick. You listenin’ Johnny “Wad” Ensign? You listenin’ Mark “of the Beast” Sanford? Probably not.

(8.-)

Trippin'

It’s official. Al Franken is the new junior senator from the great state of Minnesota. That means the US Senate has its first member to have admitted to snortin' coke and dropping acid. HUZZAH! Now, if only Mark "Of The Beast" Sanford and Johnny “Wad” Ensign would fess up to all their indiscretions, we’d be getting somewhere.

The Thriller's Gone

You know who the two happiest motherhubbards on the planet are today? Senator John “The Wad” Ensign and Governor Mark “Of The Beast” Sanford. Thanks to Jacko takin’ a dirt nap, most Americans don’t even remember who they are or what they did. Don’t worry guys…we’ll remember for all of us.



Turn on any news channel and all you see is MJ this and MJ that. It’s like it’s the only news happenin’ anywhere. Tell you what…if the protesters in Iran want any pub, they’d better be marching to Thriller, waving Farrah Fawcett posters and chanting “Heeeeer’s Johnny.” Elsewise, they won’t get a minute.



(8.-)

Thursday Afternoon Thought Burbles

The SCOTUS ruled today that a school principal cannot strip search a 13-year-old student if he’s only searching for evidence of a couple of aspirin. DAMN…remember back in the day when you’d only get strip searched if they were lookin’ for a gun? YIKES! The SCOTUS vote was 8-1. The lone dissenter? You get three guesses but you’ll only need one. That’s right – Clarence Thomas. Yo Justice Thomas…are you still thinking with your little head instead of your big head?

Speaking of school…earlier this month at a graduation in Maine, one student walked on stage to receive his diploma and blew a kiss to his family. And WTF did school officials do? The perp-walked the little terrorist back to his seat and refused to give him his diploma. This over-stated sense of self-importance by the people in charge has been a problem ever since 9/11. Now cops, and firemen, and teachers, and republicans think that they can trample on your civil rights in order to “protect” the general population. It’s a perfect example of the pussification of America.

And lastly today…we’ve been following the events in Iran as closely as possible. Problem is, some of the images are givin’ us the willies. People getting a cap popped in ‘em? No. People getting’ the “Rudy in the Booty?” No. The thing that’s stickin’ with us is the absolute smokin’-hotness of Persian women. Smart, spunky AND beautiful. PTB…the newest uber-fan of Persian grrls.

BTW...we're doin' all we can to get Jenny Sanford and Dawn Gibbons to be the bread in a PTB sandwich. It's not Buenos Aires, but we'll make it work. Oh yeah...and Senator John "Able-Semen" Ensign...we can still see your doodle!


(8.-)

The Sanctity of Marriage?

Now, y’all know we love our GLBT peeps ‘round here at PTB. You also know where we stand on the subject of marriage: We wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But if gays wanna get hitched, we think they should be able to. Of course, the religious wack-jobs out there don’t agree. They say marriage should only be between a man and a woman. Check out how bass-ackward that notion seems now…






Residents in a suburb of Nagpur, India were pretty worried that monsoon season was late. No rain equals no crops, so you can imagine their distress. What’d they do? They got together a couple of frogs (no, not French citizens, the amphibious kind) and in a full Hindu ceremony…married them! We had no idea that frog on frog marriage is legal in India. The question begs to be asked: If JZeus’ Dad doesn’t have a problem with amphibious nuptials; do you think he gives a care about gay marriage? Nope.







Speaking of marriage…for the second time in a week, a prominent, holier-than-thou, bloviating, smarmy, anti-gay marriage, reflublican, friend of JZeus got popped with a wandering doodle. Today, Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina admitted to zipping down to Argentina and horn-doggin’ his paramour. And just like Johnny “The Wad” Ensign, he’s not gonna resign. Have you wondered lately WTF it’ll take to get a republican politician canned? C’mon…the whole party got their collective Underoos in a bunch over Slick Willie’s hummer but they keep their heads up their asses when it comes to their own bangin’ on a non-wife coochie.








Now, don’t think for an instant we forgot about Senator “Long” John Ensign. Yesterday, Johnny Suave had lunch with his fellow “conservatives” and apologized for his dalliances. The money quote?




“He spoke at our conference, apologized and indicated that he was going to do his job,” U.S. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., told reporters.




Yo, Able-Semen Ensign…we thought your "job" for the last few years was getting "jobs" for (and from) your paramour, a "job" for her cuckold and a "job" for their son. Funny, the only people that seem to be getting "jobbed" are Nevada voters. Just remember y'all...You can't spell "Ensign" without "resign."





(8.-)