Mama Mia

Here at PTB we surely love the Catholics. Heck-fire, without them, the only Christian denominations we could make fun of would be the Baptists…and the Mormons. That being said, this week the Vatican contends that their priestly celibacy stance is not the root cause of the sex abuse scandal. WTF? Is the Pope on drugs? Hey Ratz…listen to me now and believe me later. I agree…requiring priests be celibate did not…I repeat…did not lead to the molestation of all those millions of kids. Priests not following the celibacy order is what caused it. I mean, if you can't keep your pecker in your smock, what's the use? Funny how the more “holy” people claim to be, the more sordid and fucked up they tend to be. True story.

Finally today…ABBA, among others, is being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of fame today. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…if you have a R&RHOF and Rush is not part of that hallowed group…y’all ain’t nuthin’ but poseurs. ABBA? Fucking ABBA? Shit…those cracker-assed-Swedish-crackers wouldn’t know rock and roll if it bit ‘em on their polyester bell bottoms. No Rush = No Respect.

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The Politics of Television

Bad news for civics geeks…like myself. Today the SCOTUS ruled that corporations can put as much money as they want into the election of a federal candidate. Aye caramba! It all dates back to 1886 when the SCOTUS ruled that corporations have all the rights and privileges as real people. WTF? I thought Supreme Court Justices were supposed to be smart. Guess not.

But you’re probably asking your monitor, “WTF do I care if corporations can spend butt-loads of money on political campaigns?” Good question. And if you asked it, you’d better sit down for the answer. You see…corporations have lots and Lots and LOTS of money. For someone to get elected, they need lots and Lots and LOTS of money. So now, corporations can pick their favorite candidate and spend the other candidate into submission. You think WalMart is gonna support a candidate that is pro-union? Nope. You think Shell Oil is gonna stand idly by while a tree-hugging, Green Party, liberal gets elected to the Senate? Nope.

Now, I’ve got to do a full disclaimer here: Every time you watch a political commercial, we here at PTB make ONE MILLION DOLLARS. That said, the new ruling is gonna be a boon to the television industry. YAY! But how much is it gonna help political discourse in America? Actually, it’s gonna kill it. Remember how the Swiftboaters made Vietnam vet John Kerry into a traitorous coward while they made George W. Bush into a hero? Americans didn’t even bother to check the facts. They just believed what television told ‘em to believe. That’s how dumb of a nation we are. That’s the road we’re gonna go down later this year and every election after. Aye caramba!

Well…now that I think about it, there might just be a silver lining in all this. In a few years, politicians are gonna have so many sponsorships, they’re gonna have logos all over their suits, makin’ ‘em look like NASCAR drivers. At least we’ll know who paid ‘em off. True dat.

(8.-)

Thursday Thought Burbles

A couple of things have been bothering me lately…


I read the report just out that says teenage birth rates are higher in states that pimp themselves as “highly religious” as opposed to “heathen” states like the NV. That got me thinking.

Does JZeus’ presence in a person’s life increase fertility? And if so, how come the Pope doesn’t have any babies?

How creepy is it to doin’ the rumpity-bumpity with one of those crucifix-thingys hanging (no pun intended) on the wall in the bedroom?

And…do those huckleberries take Genesis 1:22 literally? If they do, how come they can multiply in the bedroom but they can’t add or subtract in the classroom?

Last week, a stewardess on a Boston-bound flight found a threatening note in the bathroom. The plane flipped a bitch ASAP and landed. They disembarked all the passengers and re-screened their luggage before letting ‘em take off again. Ya know…we’ve been spending billions of dollars, thousands of military lives and hundreds of thousands of civilian lives fighting the war on terror…and a fucking piece of paper brings us scurrying back behind mama’s apron strings. SHEESH! Americans have got to be the biggest pussies in the world. It looks like the “War on Terror”…ummm, sorry…the “War Against Global Extremism” is going about as good as the war on teen pregnancy. Heck-fire…next thing you know the TSA is gonna ban passengers from bringin’ Post-Its on a plane.

And finally… Samantha Elauf, a 19-year-old community college student from Tulsa, Okla., is Muslim. I know what you’re gonna say, “Someone in Oklahoma is Muslim? YIKES!” Elauf is suing Abercrombie & Fitch because they refused to hire her ‘cause she wears a hijab. A&F says it violates their “Look Policy.” Elauf says it’s religious discrimination. I say… since when is employment a “right?” If Elauf wanted to be a lifeguard, they wouldn’t let her wear a hijab either. Heck-fire…could you imagine how hard it would be to work as a hair model with a hijab? Impossible. Abercrombie & Fitch have every right to demand their employees fit their “look” and you can’t really get the “heroin chic” look wearin’ religious garments.

Hey, I’m all about religious freedom. And if Islam wants to stay rooted in the misogynistic ways of the 5th Century…so be it. But this is America and just as Samantha Elauf has the right to wear her hijab in public just as Abercrombie & Fitch has the right to not hire her. Besides…WTF would want to work at an A&F store in Oklahoma? Talk about your weird dichotomy. Having an Abercrombie & Fitch in the OK is like driving a Lamborghini in a demolition derby. “Which way to the shit-kicker aisle?” Aye caramba!


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I Dude

They just introduced a bill in Congress to dump DOMA. Y’all know DOMA right? It’s the “defense of marriage act.” Ever wonder why marriage needed defending? Me too. Question to the social conservatives who rammed the bill through in the first place: WTF should government have a role in sayin’ who can be married or not? I was always told that conservatives wanted smaller, less intrusive government. I guess that only applies to insurance company regulation…and banking industry regulation and environmental regulation… stuff like that. Now I know what some of y’all are gonna be sayin’, “We don’t want anyone out there marryin’ their cousins or getting hitched to their dogs. True dat. But there are already laws on the book that address those issues. What DOMA is, is an anti-gay, homophobic, conservative Christian piece of crapola that shouldn’t have been passed in the first place. It’s nice to see that at least one chucklenut over in DC is thinkin’ with his big head instead of his little head.


Oh yeah…in India (and some other countries)…people do marry goats and pigs and horses. So far, JZeus’ Dad has let ‘em pretty much slide on that one. Heck-fire…the Old Testament is filled with plural marriages and folks bangin’ on the side. So if the tighty-righties start talkin’ about wrath from the Invisible Man in the Sky ‘cause we allow gays to be married…ask ‘em WTF was up with Lamech…and Abraham…and Jacob…and David…and Solomon and the rest of those OT horndogs. That ought to shut their pie holes.

(8.-)

Shoe Shoe Sh-Boogie

Well, the brotherhubbard who airmailed his Air Jordans at the Bush-Wipe is getting outta jail soon. While in the slammer, Muntadhar al-Zeid was treated like a hero by the other prisoners. When he gets out, he'll be treated like a God. Anyone who says invading Iraq was a good idea needs a hush puppy up the side of his head. WTF were we thinking? Oh, that's right...we weren't.


Funny (or maybe not)...had we not invaded Iraq, we'd only be in one unwinnable war right now instead of two.


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Thursday Afternoon Thought Burbles

The SCOTUS ruled today that a school principal cannot strip search a 13-year-old student if he’s only searching for evidence of a couple of aspirin. DAMN…remember back in the day when you’d only get strip searched if they were lookin’ for a gun? YIKES! The SCOTUS vote was 8-1. The lone dissenter? You get three guesses but you’ll only need one. That’s right – Clarence Thomas. Yo Justice Thomas…are you still thinking with your little head instead of your big head?

Speaking of school…earlier this month at a graduation in Maine, one student walked on stage to receive his diploma and blew a kiss to his family. And WTF did school officials do? The perp-walked the little terrorist back to his seat and refused to give him his diploma. This over-stated sense of self-importance by the people in charge has been a problem ever since 9/11. Now cops, and firemen, and teachers, and republicans think that they can trample on your civil rights in order to “protect” the general population. It’s a perfect example of the pussification of America.

And lastly today…we’ve been following the events in Iran as closely as possible. Problem is, some of the images are givin’ us the willies. People getting a cap popped in ‘em? No. People getting’ the “Rudy in the Booty?” No. The thing that’s stickin’ with us is the absolute smokin’-hotness of Persian women. Smart, spunky AND beautiful. PTB…the newest uber-fan of Persian grrls.

BTW...we're doin' all we can to get Jenny Sanford and Dawn Gibbons to be the bread in a PTB sandwich. It's not Buenos Aires, but we'll make it work. Oh yeah...and Senator John "Able-Semen" Ensign...we can still see your doodle!


(8.-)

SANCTIFY!

We don’t begrudge Senator John Ensign for bangin’ a woman that wasn’t his wife. It’s human friggin’ nature. He’s a man with wants and needs and desires just like everyone else. Heck-fire, if he was a French politician, he’d be considered a hero. No, we’re hatin’ on John “Able-Semen” Ensign’s hypocrisy. SJE was one of those religious wacko Republican nut cases in Congress who looked all of us in the eye and spouted crap about the “sanctity of marriage” and that “marriage is between one man and one woman.” Bullshit. At least, now we know how hallowed and blessed “marriage” really is to Senator “Long” John Ensign.

Now, Ensign has resigned from his position as the chairman of the Republican Policy Committee. Yo Republicans…WTF kinda policy was he makin’ for y’all? SHEESH! But, of course, he’s not gonna resign from the Senate. Neither did Senator David “Whorebanger” Vitter – neither did Senator Larry “Wide Stance” Craig. Funny thing about tighty-righties, they gnashed teeth, rent garments and screamed bloody murder when Slick Willie Clinton got a hummer in the Oval Office but every time they get busted dipping their doodles in the wrong hole, it’s no big deal. That’s just how Republicans roll. Hey, we’re cool with that, but the next time the subject of marriage, or morals or honesty pops to the forefront, Senator Johnny “The Wad” Ensign and his ilk had better STFU!

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Bodies in Motion

Las Vegas baseball phenom, Bryce Harper is droppin’ outta high school to pursue his dream of bein’ an MLB star. The brotherhubbard is only sixteen years old and his parents are supporting his decision. Question: If parents are allowed to let their teenage son quit school and sell his “services” to big league baseball, WTF can’t their teenage daughter drop out and sell her “services” to the Moonlite Bunny Ranch? Funny, if you can swing a bat as good as the pros, they call you the "chosen one"…if you give a hummer as good as the pros, they call you a whore. Two words…Double. Standard.

In the last week Ted Rall, Bill Maher and Rachel Maddow have shown their extreme displeasure with the ‘Bamer. They accuse the President of reneging on campaign promises like releasing torture info, stopping “don’t ask/don’t tell” and universal healthcare. Maher and Rall went so far as to demand that Barry-O resign. It’s still early, but BOb is starting to look a lot like the Bush-Wipe. Question: If the President is losing support from hardcore lefties, how long ‘til the rest of the dems bail? Change you can believe in? No. Change you can Xerox. Yup.

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He Doesn't Know Dick

Dr. Evil has been in the news a lot lately. Funny thing coming from the brotherhubbard that had Google Earth blur out his house for eight years. But like it or not, Dick Cheney is flappin’ his lie-hole and the whole world seems to be listening.

Yesterday, the former Veep took to the airwaves to…get this…defend gay marriage. Aye caramba! WTF did that come from? While he does have a gay daughter, Dick and his compatriots in the Bush administration never were the types to embrace those “afflicted with the Gay.” Guess times they are a changin’. But not that much. You see, Cheney had a caveat to his assertion that gay peeps should be allowed to get hitched. He said that marriage is, and always has been a state issue. "And I think that's the way it ought to be handled today, that is, on a state-by-state basis.” And that’s why Dick Cheney, in our humble opinion, is dumber than a sack of doorknobs.

It wasn’t that long ago that blacks couldn’t get married in certain states ‘cause they were considered “property.” An even shorter time ago, blacks and whites were not allowed to get married to each other in certain states because some racist rat-bastards thought it was immoral. Hell, if Alabama, Mississippi and the rest of the redneck, huckleberry states had their way, blacks still wouldn’t be allowed to marry.

No Dick…gay marriage shouldn’t be decided willy-nilly on the whim of some cracker-ass government-cheese dick in a state where the most common kinfolk is “Uncle-Dad.” This is America. We’re not supposed to roll like that. So we’re gonna toss you a soft one. Remember the Declaration of Independence?

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.”

That’s right Dick. Straight from the pen of TJ hisself. ALL men are created equal…that includes the men who like men, women who like women and all the peeps in between who love ‘em both. That's how we roll.

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London Calling

Ah, Great Britain. The land that gave us

King Arthur…

King George…

Boy George…

John, Paul, Ringo and George…have given us a WTF moment we won’t soon forget. When you think of sexy Europeans, the Brits aren’t usually on the radar. You can blame that on The Big Book of British Smiles or Queen Victoria…but that’s the crux of another biscuit.
But it seems that the outwardly uptightness of the Brits is just a cover.


Last weekend a couple of British lovebirds strolled up to the grounds outside Windsor Castle and started doin’ the rumpity-bumpity in plain view of everybody. YOW! Several Japanese tourists in the area got their memory sticks full before the Bobbies rolled up and told the couple to stop. Here’s where it gets weird:


The couple was arrested, released and given a “written warning about outraging public decency.” A written warning. A FRIGGIN’ WRITTEN WARNING! Heck-fire, a written warning is something you get when you’re late for chemistry class or when you get pulled over for a burned out tail light.



If this would have happened in the USo’A, the PoPo would have perp-walked the motherhubbards to jail and given ‘em a “Rudy in the Booty.” Then they’d get convicted and be branded sex-offenders for the rest of their lives. In Great Britain they give written warnings. Bummer. Even the British aren’t as zealously puritanical as Americans.


Junior: “Look, mommy…it’s Big Ben!”
Mommy: “No Junior…Big Ben is a clock tower. That’s a towering cock.”



Just thinking about inserting Tab ”A” into Slot ”B” scares the bejeezus out of Americans. The Brits? Not so much. Queen Victoria must be spinning in her grave. But then again, she always was a bit of a spinner.

(8.-)

Why WE Fight

A lot of our friends on the right side of the aisle read PTB and call us “Commie-Pinko Socialists.” Our friends on the left side of the aisle read PTB and call us fascist. Actually, it’s neither. What we try to do here, is find the right in all the wrongs and point ‘em both out. Today, however, it’s just the wrong.

We can all agree…

Hitler was a prick…

Saddam Hussein was a prick with a slightly bigger porn 'stache…

Manuel Noriega was a fat prick with bad skin…

And Agusto Pinochet was a South American prick extraordinaire.

What does that have to do with us?



The ‘Bamer’s Administration announced today that they’re not gonna prosecute CIA agents involved in torturing captives at Gitmo. WTF is up with that? It used to be that the USo’A had the moral high ground to pronounce judgments on rat-bastards like Hitler et al., but not anymore. Now we’ve joined the ranks of the pricks too because America TORTURES people!



Now, before y’all go red white and blue in the face about this, just think of this…


Many Americans consider this a “Christian” nation (mostly our Christians but that’s the crux of a different biscuit). What we’re getting at is this: If America is indeed a Christian nation, WTF are we doing torturing people? Although a better question might be…Does the Invisible Man in the Sky condone torture? No, he doesn’t. But America tortures and lets the perps get away with it. That kind of attitude makes us just the same as the bat-shit crazy motherhubbards mentioned above. Christian nation? Hell no. And every time someone says we are, JZeus starts spinning in His grave.



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Random Thoughts of WTF

A.I.G.’s Chairman told Congress yesterday that the millions of dollars in bonuses the company gave out to the executives who ran the company into the toilet are, “Distasteful.” Funny he uses that term. Foie gras, brie and caviar taste like doodleberries too but we’ll bet those rich motherhubbards don’t give up that crap either.



Here at PTB we’re big fans of the World Baseball Classic. Think about it: Instead of Los Angeles against New York or Pittsburgh against San Francisco, it’s the USo’A against the whole friggin’ world. How cool is that? Problem is, not everyone is psyched to kick the rest of the world’s collective baseball asses. That’s why we’re putting out a fatwa on the manager of Team USA -- Davey Johnson. The other day Johnson was quoted as saying that if enough American players got hurt in the tournament, he’d forfeit the game. WTF? America invented the friggin’ game of friggin' baseball! Besides, there’s nothing more important to an athlete than representing their country in an international tournament. Forfeit? FORFEIT? Hey Davey…if you’re not in it to win it…get to steppin’ cracker. What team do you think you’re managing…France?



If you’re one of the millions of Americans who’ve tried the sleep diet, we’ve got news for you…sleeping will NOT make you lose weight. If you believe that dropping some “Z’s” will help you drop the lbs….you’ve got more of a problem than your weight…you’ve got a problem with your brain pan.



The other night the Nevada men’s basketball team hosted UTEP in a CBI (Coulda Been In) Tournament game. Attendance at the 12,000 seat Lawlor Events Center? Three thousand and change. Aye Caramba! If the college basketball team, who’s been in town for more than a hundred years, can’t get more than 3,000 fans into a friggin’ POSTSEASON TOURNAMENT GAME…how do you think attendance is gonna be for a brand spankin’ new AAA baseball team on a frosty April night? Fasten your seatbelts folks…the sounds of the forest are gonna be overwhelming.



And finally, today is the start of March Madness. You know, the tournament that Nevada USED to get in to on a regular basis. Anyway…it’s estimated that employers will lose more than $3.8 billion because workers are online checking their pools. Listen, if you’re spending work time checking whether or not UCLA is beating the North Carolina School of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, or how the Morris Brown College v. Atlanta A&T tilt is going, GET BACK TO WORK! The only person in the country getting paid to predict college basketball games is Dicky V. As for the rest of us…we’ve gotta get our noses back to the grindstone. How else is the government-cheese gonna get the tax money to bail out AIG again?



(8.-)

A Closer Look

There’s a very special surprise at the bottom of today’s post for y’all. But first, a quick bit of business.




The Government-Cheese is thinkin’ ‘bout confiscating Bernie Madoff (with the money)’s wife’s and sons’ assets. Finally. Anyone thinking the Madoff (with the money) clan didn’t know what dear old dad was up to, probably graduated from Jerry Falwell’s Law School. BTW…the Feds found all of Eliot Spitzer’s hooker money and a hundred or so G’s in one politician’s freezer but they didn’t notice Bernie ripping off billions? WTF were they doin’ down there? Lookin’ for Saddam’s WMD’s?



Here’s a thought: If Bernie Madoff (with the money) was a brown-skinded brother or a drug dealer, the Feds woulda seized every last asset of his (and his family) the very first day. As it is…there was a lot of financial hanky-panky goin’ on in the Madoff (with the money) clan just after pops got popped. It just goes to show you…the justice system here in the USo’A bends over backward for whitey. If you’re in a minority, you get your ass handed to you.




Ok, Ok…we promised…remember the Inauguration? Lots and lots and lots of people crammed into the D.C. to celebrate. Well, below is a link to a picture of the event. WTF is so special about this particular pic? Well, you start off on a wide shot of the entire venue then, with the click of your mouse, you can zoom in close enough to recognize faces. The shot was taken with a 1,700 megapixel digital camera. Heck-fire…you can zoom in close enough to see the horns underneath Dick Cheney’s hat! Figure this…if we’ve gotta spend beaucoup dollars on Homeland Security, this is the kind of cool toy we want ‘em to come up with. Sure would be fun to have one of those cameras at the beach!




-----> CLICK HERE FOR THE PICTURE!!! <-----



(8.-)

We Don't Need No Ed-U-Ma-Ca-Shun

All across the 775 the government-cheese is slashing education ‘cause of budget shortfalls. Isn’t it funny that one of the first things those bobbleheads cut out of the budget is education? That got us to wondering…why?



Dumb kids = dumb adults #1. If you keep the population in perpetual stupidity, they aren’t likely to figure out they’re getting’ hosed by politicians. Remember, politicians are the ones promising that they love Nevada and want to help her citizens. Then they go off and eliminate funding for schools. Keep that in mind next time you’re in a voting booth. That is, if you’re smart enough to remember when to vote.



Dumb kids = dumb adults #2. Dumb adults do dumb things. They rob convenience stores, they cook up batches of meth in the garage and/or solicit gay sex in airport bathrooms. Dumb adults means we’ll always need more and more money for more and more cops.



Here’s the crux of today’s biscuit…if children really are the future, we’re screwed. We spend billions and billions and billions of dollars blowin’ up brown-skinded brothers in far away lands but we say we don’t have enough money to educate our kids. The youth of America lag behind every industrialized nation in things like science and math and reading…you know, the important stuff. WTF do you think they’re gonna be like when they’re all growed up? They’re gonna be fat, and lazy, and disinterested, and bolivious to the shit-storm swirling all around. And do you know who they have to blame? Nobody but you.



(8.-)

Crossing Guards

One of the true joys we get here at PTB is poking fun at Utah…our neighbors to the east. No matter what the joke, if you use the Beehive State as the punchline, you’ll get a laugh every time. Check it:



When a UHP officer takes a dirt nap, the Utah Highway Patrol Association puts up a cross to mark the spot. The cross is adorned with the highway patrol's logo and a small plaque with a photo and short biography of the fallen trooper, as well as the trooper's name, rank, badge number and year of death. So WTF is the problem?



A bunch of Godless Atheists from Texas got together and sued the state of Utah saying crosses are religious symbols. Utahans disagree. A joint resolution by the Utah Legislature in 2006 declared the cross a nonreligious, secular symbol of death. Now, y’all don’t need lawyers or judges to decide this one, just a bit of common sense.



First of all, if a dead UHP officer was Jewish or Muslim would the state of Utah erect a Star of David or a Holy Crescent? No? Strike one.



Secondly, is the cross a secular symbol of death? Nope. The cross symbolizes JZeus and Christianity. The secular symbol of death? Skull and Crossbones. Believe it. Strike two.



And lastly, try this experiment. Roll on up to the Utah Statehouse with your cross and start rubbing your butt on it. Even better…pull a Regan MacNeil with it. AYE CARAMBA! Wanna know what’d happen? You’d be in jail faster than A-Fraud can fake a hip injury. Strike three. Yer out!



The State of Utah might say that crosses are secular. Too bad they don’t practice what they preach.



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Branded

We just found out the City of Sparks gave more than a hundred G’s to a Seattle company to create a “brand identity” for the city. Our question to the powers-that-be in the Rail City: WTF? They don’t have marketing consultants here in the 775? Typical lack of respect for local talent by political douchebags who just don’t get it. Anyway…we did a little research and found a couple of slogans that didn't make the cut:



Sparks. Come for the railroad, stay for the hobos.


Sparks. It could be worse.


Sparks. Like it or lump it.


Sparks. Not just for meth labs anymore.


Sparks. Harassing minorities since 1904.


Sparks. We have to love it. We live here.


Sparks. No Shirt, No Shoes, No Gays!


Sparks. If you’ve been here, you know.


Sparks. Live it. Love it. Now get the hell out!


Sparks. Don’t blame us, we voted for John McCain.





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