Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Think About Your Troubles

We're sayin' sayonara to 2008 with one thought on our minds...no matter how bad y'all think things are...it could always be worse.


(8.-)

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Hard Sell

Intent on winning the “War Against Global Extremism,” defeating the Taliban and finding OBL the USo’A has been quite busy lately over in Afghanistan. Like we said before, it’s a no-win situation. But the government-cheese doesn’t listen to us here at PTB so they’ve whipped out a new weapon…Viagra.




Apparently, the CIA has been using the little blue pill to bribe elder tribesmen out in the backcountry and, according to the Agency, its working. WTF? With all the primo ganja and the top-of-the-line opium in Afghanistan, don’t those poor people have enough trouble with drugs? Here’s the crux of today’s biscuit




To get Viagra here in the States, you need a ‘scrip from an M.D…elsewise it’s called possession of a controlled substance. But to win over the hearts and minds of the Afghani people we’re bribing ‘em with a controlled substance. SHEESH! We burn the shit out of their pot farms and trash their poppy fields, tellin’ the folks that drugs are bad then we turn around and give ‘em illegal boner pills. And you wonder why we think this war sucks? This is one more reason in a long, long, long list.




@:
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Monday, December 29, 2008

Just Do It

We cannot emphasize this enough…there is nothing…repeat…nothing better than sex. Maybe that’s our take ‘cause we don’t do it nearly as often as we should -- but that’s the crux of a different biscuit.


The problem here in the United States of Puritanism is that most people think sex is a bad thing. It’s not our fault. The government-cheese and those that speak for JZeus’ Dad continually bombard us with the thought that putting tab "A" into slot "B" or slot "C" or slot "D" is wrong. Both groups tell us when we can and cannot do it, where we can and cannot do it and who we can or cannot do it with. SHEESH! Makes you wonder how the species survives. Well, don’t fret peoples. We’ve got good news for y’all.


A report just out says that folks who take "abstinence pledges" and "virginity pledges" are just as likely to have sex as those of y’all who don’t take a pledge. The first thought up from our mind shaft was "DUH!" That’s like saying politicians running on the platform of government ethics are just as likely to take a bribe as say…Rod Blagojevich. Thanks Captain Obvious.


You see, sex is the great motivator. Why else do you think guys buy fancy cars, get educations and occasionally shower? To impress as many ladies as possible with the intention of getting sex. Don’t believe? Ask any guy. Sex is our highest priority. We think about sex almost all the time. That’s why men had to invent sports. ‘Cause if we didn’t, we’d be thinking about sex all the time.


And women aren’t any different from men. Oh sure…they may play shy and innocent and naive but no fire burns hotter than in the loins of a woman. Why do you think women spend so much money on clothes, spend so much time putting on makeup and dreaming of the day that they can get breast implants? So they can get more men to have sex with. It’s an entirely natural thing. Much more natural than thinking an Invisible Man in the Sky gives a crap who you do the horizontal tango with. So go for it folks. Dive in with both feet (if that’s your kinda thing). Have sex. Just don’t let the Government-Cheese catch you putting tab "A" into slot "Z."

(8.-)

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Falling Down the Mind Shaft



Straight up and simple on this one…If you own a domesticated horse and you can’t afford to keep it so you "let it run free" out in the wild…you should never be allowed to own an animal for the rest of your life. Not even a goldfish. Next thing you know the BSC motherhubbards are droppin’ their pet snakes down the commode. YIKES!


Ausaf Umar Siddiqui, a Vice President at Fry’s, stole 65 million dollars and blamed it on his gambling habit. Up yours douchebag. No one twisted your arm to go into the high roller sections of bourgie casinos. No one had to beg you to hole up in the Emperor’s Suite. Sorry Ausaf, this one is all on you. The good news is, after you serve your sentence you can start working on your restitution…by working at Fry’s. There’s a spot in the shipping/receiving department that has your name written all over it.


Another reason Cali can go to H.E. double toothpicks? We hear tell that the Golden State…wait for it…wait for it…could be flat-broke in two months! Nice job Governator. Yo Cali…you’re the motherhubbards that elected a steroid-abusing jock-strap who’s legislative resume’ highlight was Kindergarten Cop. Y’all get everything you deserve.


The headline read, "Downtown Reno condo project shrinks." The sound of that shrinkage is the collective ball sack of the 775 in the realization that they’ve elected a bunch of hacks who continue selling the future of the region down the river. That is, unless the water table shrinks any more…then there might not even be a river... There is no drought…there is no drought…there is no drought. Rinse. Repeat.


(8.-)

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Christmas Party From Hell




We find it pretty easy to hate the holidays. Three hundred and sixty-four days out of the year people are pricks to you then, all of a sudden, it’s “Merry Christmas!” Bah Humbug. With that said, below is a little ditty from the greatest a cappella band of all time…The Bobs. If you haven’t heard their album Too Many Santas you’re missing out on a holiday treat.




It's the night before the night before Christmas…
old friends together the same time every year.
She's leaving him, but he doesn't know it.
To everyone else it's perfectly clear.
Their holiday party has secrets in the air
something that he doesn't share.
She's found another.
She's movin' on.
The day after New Years she'll be gone.
The guests are uneasy they don't know how to act.
Should they tell him or keep it hushed?
Take a drink and a snack?
Talking behind his back
soon everyone's getting lushed.
It's the night before the night before Christmas…



(8.-)

Monday, December 22, 2008

History Repeats Itself Itself Itself







Wanna know what they all have in common? They’ve all tried to invade and occupy Afghanistan. The Brits and the Russkies both failed miserably. They got their asses handed to ‘em by a bunch of mujahideen drivin’ camels and shootin’ RPGs made in the ‘50’s. So far, the same thing is happening to us. Now some douchebag with a chest full of fruit salad wants America to commit more troops to the fight in Afghanistan. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again…there’s no way in hell that our army is gonna win in Afghanistan. No. Way.





We’re not trying to be defeatist here, we’re just looking at things through objective eyes. The Afghan people don’t like us, the USo’A has killed thousands of innocent Afghan civilians in strikes against “insurgents” and the President of Afghanistan is seen as a puppet of the U.S. Government. We burn their crops and stop them from making money the only way they know how…by cultivating and processing poppies. There aren’t enough F-22’s in the world to stop the Afghan people from throwing out the “invaders.” Let’s just hope someone on the high side of the chain of command realizes that as well. Elsewise Afghanistan will go 3-0 against the world’s greatest armies and more of our brave soldiers will have died in vain.






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Friday, December 19, 2008

Pissin' 'Em Off




We got into an office pool a while back. The object was to try to figure out which group o’ folks the ‘Bamer was gonna get pissed off first. We chose tighty-righty ‘cause we thought BHOb was gonna take down Dr. Evil on war crimes charges. We were wrong. Nothing unusual there. What is unusual is that he pissed off…wait for it…wait for it…the GAYS! Uh oh.





The GLBT folks are mad, and rightly so, ‘cause the President-elect chose BSC Rick Warren to give the invocation at the inauguration. Rick Fuckin’ Warren. What, Adolph Hitler Campbell wasn’t available? Anyway…that got us to thinkin’ ‘bout who else Barry-O coulda picked to lay out an opening prayer and who that would have pissed off…




Reverend Jeremiah Wright would be the pick that pissed off everyone that still thinks Sadaam Hussein was behind 9/11, that the Iraq and Afghanistan wars are still winnable and people who think it’s O.K. to give $700 Billion to the moneychangers.




Bishop Thomas Muthee getting picked would piss off VPILF Sarah Palin, alleged Kenyan witches, accused Kenyan witches and actual Kenyan witches.





Picking Pastor Ted Haggard would piss off meth addicts, male prostitutes and the entire membership of National Association of Evangelicals.




You see…no matter who the ‘Bamer picked for his inaugural invocation, someone was gonna get mad. That is, unless he picked the rotted corpse of Mother Theresa to give the invocation. She probably doesn't look much different.




(8.-)

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Crack Crackers


The Reno City Council has proven once again that they have the collective brain power of a sack of doorknobs. Last night the Council reduced a moratorium on new liquor licenses to just the area around Wells Avenue. Why just the Wells Avenue area? Could it be because it is a predominately brown-skinded neighborhood? We don’t put it past the crackers on the Council to less-than-subtly show their racist sides.




Some brotherhubbard was quoted in the RGJ saying, "Liquor stores contribute to loitering, public drunkenness, armed robbery and the recent murder of a store clerk." Ummm...no. Liquor stores contribute taxes to the state, county and city. They provide jobs and convenient places to shop for neighborhood residents. Don’t blame liquor stores for the sins of a few douchebags. Responsibility for the crimes mentioned lies directly in the laps of the perps.




Dude went on to show the Council a “crack pipe” he says he bought at a local liquor store saying the stores sell drug paraphernalia. This is the kind of cheese-dick mentality that permeates the 775. Listen up short-bus ...it's not a crack pipe 'til you smoke crack out of it. Elsewise, it's just a pipe.





(8.-)

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Fuhrer Furor


Last week little ‘Dolph Campbell turned three years old. For his birthday, ‘Dolph’s ‘rents wanted to throw him a party and get him a cake with his name on it…typical all-American family thing to do. So, the Campbells went to their local ShopRite and placed their order. That’s when the shit dropped to shoe level. The store-folks refused to put the tyke’s moniker on the celebratory confection because his full name is…get this…Adolph Hitler Campbell. Aye Caramba!




A spokeshead for ShopRite said that they reserve the right not to print anything on a cake that they deem to be “inappropriate.” WTF would ShopRite know about “inappropriate?” Besides, how is a baby’s name inappropriate? Would they refuse to put a name on a cake if it was Osama bin Laden Johannsen? Attila the Hun Smith? George W. Bush?




Now, everyone knows there are some BSC ‘rents out there and they can get pretty creative when naming their l’il ones. Remember Moon Unit Zappa? But the crux of today’s biscuit is simple…




In the USo’A you can name your little one anything you want and ShopRite has no right refusing to put that name on a birthday cake. You might not like the person’s name, you might not like the person’s color or national origin or sexual orientation but, in America ALL men are created equal…even Adolph Hitler Campbell.



(8.-)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Rag Arm



Normally we don’t go back-to-back with subjects here at PTB. But the Iraqi shoe dude was even funnier than when Chimp-Dick almost died from an attack by snack food. It was so friggin’ hilarious it got us to thinkin’…



The dumbass missed twice at close range. Now the Red Sox want to sign him to counter all the money the Yankees gave pitchers C.C. Sabathia and AJ Burnett.



No wonder Bush hates the media…Helen Thomas woulda KILLED him with one of her shoes! Good thing Bob Lanier wasn’t in the crowd.



Think about it…shoe-dude, in his whole life, was probably picked last for dodgeball every time. GWB, on the other hand played a lot of dodgeball during and after college. It was either dodgeball or Vietnam. Now you know.



Betcha we could pay off the national debt, bail out the banking, the insurance and the auto industry if we offer everyone in the USo’A the opportunity to throw their shoe at pResident Bush for a dollar. We’d pay a couple of bucks to toss our Chuck Taylors.



We noticed the shoe dude was wearing the latest Nike Air Amman, Jordans.



A Muslim's worst insult to a person is to show the bottom of his/her shoes/feet…Worst insult to an Irishman? Running outta beers then takin’ away the friggin’ keys!




Ever wonder how things would be different today if Lee Harvey Oswald woulda used a shoe?





(8.-)

Monday, December 15, 2008

Shoe Fly

In the Islamic world there's no bigger insult than someone hitting you with a shoe. It's their version of flipping someone the bird. Remember what the Iraqis did to Saddam Hussein's statue? YIKES! Over the weekend an Iraqi journalist tossed not one, but two shoes at pResident Bush. Guess he was thanking Chimp-Dick for all we've done for his country. Just think of it...if that brown-skinded brother had any taste in footwear, G-Dub woulda been JFK'd by a red Prada stiletto. They could call 'em "Go Fuck Yourself" Pumps. Hell of a way to go.


(8.-)

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Bowling for Dollars


With the continuing effort to get us all fired up about Wolf Pack football, here's what we get:



A bowl game in the exciting metropolis of friggin' Boise, Idaho. Aren't bowl games supposed to be a reward? Maybe that's how it works...the crappier your team, the crappier your bowl game is.




Nothing like celebrating the love of humanity than with a violent sport consisting of people knocking the beJZeus out of each other.




We should be playing teams like Maryland in non-conference. Instead, we got Grambling’s band.




We’ll never make the step to the next level playing in crappy bowls against nobody’s cousin…and getting beat.





(8.-)


Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Tuned Out

Several artists have hooked up in protest ‘cause their music is being used to torture prisoners at Gitmo. We can understand that playing tunes with the volume cranked to 11 amounts to physical torture. You could really get a couple of eardrums a ringin’ if you go loud enough. What worries us here at PTB is Gitmo’s pick in torture music. Ya think any of those poor brown-skinded brotherhubbards speak English? No. So it really doesn’t matter what the lyrics of the song are, just how loud you play it. The bands they favor…Nine Inch Nails, AC/DC, Rage Against the Machine and Pantera we can understand. They’re all oogity boogity metal bands. Ooo…scary. But Queen? Are they serious? You’d have to crank Fat Bottomed Girls pretty loud to make that scary. What’d really scare the beJZeus out of the bad guys would be to show ‘em a video of Queen with Freddie Mercury all dressed to the hilt. Aye caramba!





Death metal is getting a bad name here, so we thought long and hard about other music that could be used for torture…




Anything by Wagner or Beethoven. Before scary movies, that was the stuff that gave folks nightmares.




How ‘bout rap? You should see what an 808 bass drop can do to a guy in a 6x6 concrete closet. BANG!




Five of the scariest words ever uttered in song: Alvin and the Chipmunks. That’s worse than waterboarding!




But our favorite? The Shaggs. One of their best is My Pal Foot Foot. CAUTION: “Listening to the Shaggs may result in space dementia, Stevie Wonder-vision, Captain Quint breath, Charlie Brown head or Blagojevichitis.





(8.-)



Friday, December 5, 2008

Prohibition Inhibitions


Seventy-five years ago today the USo’A decided to give up on the “noble experiment” that was Prohibition. At that exact moment, tighty-righties around the country skidmarked their collective Underoos. That’s back when you could smoke reefer and snort blow legally but the morality police had figured the only way to prevent drunkenness was to ban alcohol altogether. That didn’t work out too well now, did it? So, alcohol became legal again. Thank you JZeus!




Can you imagine the state of Nevada today without alcohol? YIKES! We’d have to rename ourselves West Utah. BLECH! Think of it this way…who’d wanna see some cracked out skank do a pole dance if alcohol wasn’t involved? No one. Do you know how boring video poker is when you’re sober? BORING! Even worse, if Prohibition was still in effect, the only commercials you’d see on the Super Bowl would be for cars and tampons. Aye caramba!




Besides, look at all the jobs that legal alcohol has created. From brewmeisters and distributors to bartenders, cocktail waitresses and alcohol abuse counselors. Alcohol is responsible for thousands of jobs in the Silver State. Heck-fire, if the PoPo didn’t have DUI checkpoints to do, they’d have to go out and do some REAL police work like catching bad guys and stuff.




The crux of our biscuit today is simple. In the 13 years that alcohol was illegal in America, alcohol-related deaths soared. Why? Without government oversight, people were making nasty, rot gut swill from crap like kerosene, lighter fluid and ass wax. But people drank anyway. The fact that it was illegal didn’t dissuade anyone from drinking. Not even the possibility of death stopped folks from tyin’ one on. Making booze illegal diverted the cops’ attention from really bad guys like murderers and rapists. You go Elliot Ness! Prohibition was an abject failure.




We look back on it now and romanticize the bootleggers and the rum runners from days past. How quaint those huckleberry moonshiners were! So what’s the difference between the Dukes of Hazzard and some poor brown-skinded brother bringin’ a load of the ganja across the border or growing it in his hydroponic grow room? Nothing. Keeping the prohibition against marijuana is just as stupid-assed as the prohibition against alcohol. Maybe one day we’ll learn. Probably not…but maybe.



(8.-)

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Drink Drank Drunk


The Reno City Council never ceases to amaze us with their lack of foresight, gray matter and huevos. Take yesterday…





The RCC voted 4-2 in favor of the Spring Mountain Project. That’s the development north of town that’ll produce 12,000 new homes and bring 23,000 people to the area. WTF are these people thinking? With the economic crisis we’re in, no one is buying the houses that already exist, a lot of the folks who have bought houses are having trouble paying their mortgages and economists are predicting this shit-storm to last another three years. YIKES! Combine all that with the fact that the western USo’A is in the middle of the worst drought in a couple of thousand years and you have yourself one big fat hairy boondoggle. When they run for office, they say they have our best interests at heart. They lie.






At the same meeting, council members voted to delay new liquor licenses in the area for 90 days. Councilwoman Jessica “My Daddy Was the Mayor” Sferrazza said that people on Wells Avenue are concerned about all the new stores opening up that are selling booze and bongs. Councilman Dan “I Used to be A Celebrity” Gustin added that a number of “seedy bars” have opened on California Avenue and in Downtown Reno. Look guys…bars, by their very nature, are “seedy.” So are casinos, strip clubs and brothels. But this is the 775, we don’t live in friggin’ Utah. We love us our sinnin’ ways! In these tough economic times it makes no sense trying to limit ANY tax revenue. Besides, without sex, drugs, gambling and alcohol to divert our attention from our dismal existences we’d have nothing to do except wonder WhoTF put all those houses in the middle of our open spaces.



(8.-)

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Say What?


We sure do love us the Westboro Baptist Church folks. They’re the BSC motherhubbards that think JZeus’ Dad is letting U.S. soldiers get killed in Iraq and Afghanistan ‘cause we tolerate homosexuality. Well, they’re back in the news ‘cause some activist judge decided that they couldn’t protest outside the funeral of a soldier and fined ‘em enough cheddar to float a battleship. We think that’s wack.



This is friggin’ America. We’re Americans and we can say anything we want. So what’s the harm in letting the WBC’s protest at a funeral?



People can learn a lot from the WBC’s. The hatred, bigotry and intolerance they show is a perfect example of how religion keeps people apart rather than bringing them together.



Now some of y’all might be wondering about what’s called “clear and present danger.” That might work for yelling “Fire!” in a crowded theatre but it doesn’t have any juice in this argument. Why? What danger do the WBC’s protest cause (other than the possibility of them getting their collective asses kicked by irate mourners)? None. They’re Americans and they have the same right to free speech as the rest of us…no matter how fucked up their message is.



So the next time the WBC’s or the Klan or Rush Limbaugh hit the streets to spout their messages of hate, gather up all the little chillens, bring ‘em over and let ‘em listen. “What’s that I hear?” says little Timmy. "Tim my boy…that’s the sound of an endangered species…Douchebagis Collectivus Religious. Better known as a bunch of religious douchebags." Learn baby, learn.



(8.-)

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Irate Pirate





Well, it looks like Captain Steubing has finally grabbed a clue and found a way to foil those pesky pirates off the coast of Somalia. Sunday in the Gulf of Aden, a couple of skiffs loaded with bad guys started shooting at the M/S Nautica. So what’d the captain do? He put the pedal to the metal and dusted the rat-bastards. SEE YA! Hey, why didn’t anyone think of that before?



Here at PTB we love the fact that cruise lines aren’t taking anymore crap from these
Blackbeards. We just wish they’d take it farther. Next time a boatload of pirates rolls up on a cruise ship, why not let the passengers get in on the action with a hundred or so skeet rifles? Better yet, cruise ships could carry a couple dozen WWII era depth charges. You know, those bad-assed, 55 gallon barrel looking things? You can bet a lot of those bourgie passengers would pay top scratch to get to catapult a couple of those babies at a skiff full of pirates.



(8.-)

Monday, December 1, 2008

Shoot to Thrill


Over the weekend NFL player Plaxico Burress was at a nightclub in the Big Apple where he pulled a Cheddar Bob and shot himself in the leg. Good shootin’ bro. Plax, like lots of other athletes, carries heat for “protection.” We don’t buy it.




First of all, just ‘cause Plax thinks people recognize him as a celebrity when he hits the town doesn’t make it true. There are very few athletes people could pick out of a crowd. Don’t believe it? Everyone knows who Brett Favre is and what he looks like but can you name one other person on his team? If you can’t even name another player, HTF are you gonna recognize one in a club? You probably won’t.




Second of all, why do you have to carry a gun? Aren’t you a big, bad professional football stud? Wouldn’t pepper spray work just as well? How ‘bout a Taser? Problem with a gun is, there’s no middle ground. Pop a cap in someone or not.




The thing is, jocks get special treatment at an early age. Show a propensity for math? Geek. Show an interest in science? L7. But show some athletic ability and they’ll be lickin’ yer nut sack for the duration. People make athletes into heroes and athletes believe it. Then they hit the clubs packin’ knowing full well that nothing good can come from bringin’ a piece to a party.




Rule #1… If the party needs a gun, stimulants or downers…its not a party. Remember, your pistola and ego are fickle friends…and they’ll both get you into trouble in the end.




(8.-)

Friday, November 28, 2008

Cold Turkey


Black Friday. Great name for a day. Pretty depressing, though.

Death.

Destruction.

50% OFF ALL JUNIOR SWIMWEAR!



Guess its better than Boxing Day.



Ya know…you could do your own…



The day before Valentines Day could be: WTF Are You Gonna Buy For Your Materialistic, Hard-To-Please, Bourgie Motherhubbard Euphemism? Day.”




The day after New Year’s Eve could be: Walk of Shame Day or maybe…”Technicolor Yawn Day.”




You could go even further…




The month before Black History Month could be: “Create Your Own W.E.B. Du Bois Combination Decoupage/Diorama Month.”



The three days after Labor Day could always be: “Lazy It Up at Work for Pay Just Like You Lazy It Up at Home for Free Days.”




The three days after Memorial Day? How ‘bout: Patriotism Takes a Dirt Nap Days” or maybe “Who Were Those Guys? Days”




Nah…too depressing. How, ‘bout…




50% OFF ALL JUNIOR SWIMWEAR! Days.




Yeah...much better than Boxing Day.




(8.-)


Thursday, November 27, 2008

Thank Full



Thanksgiving, the day we all get together with people we don’t like, eating crap we don’t need while wasting away the equivalent of what a poor family eats in a friggin’ month…don’t believe us?

Click Here.



What else is there to be thankful for today?




We’re thankful that we’re not bellboys in Mumbai.




We’re thankful we’re not in the suck.




We’re thankful we’re not Sarah Palin’s backdrop




or the Detroit Football Lions...




But most of all, we’re thankful that, finally, Reno 9-11 caught the Bad Guy. Here’s hoping for justice and that this BSC rat-bastard will be eating Thanksgiving Dinner in his 3x3 ‘til its time to take a dirt nap.




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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Thanks for Giving, Eve


We sure hate to be a downer on the day before a holiday but SHEESH! Did you see that dude dirt napping turkeys behind VPILF Sarah Palin the other day? That video was skankier than Britney Spears’ coochie. YUCK! Makes us glad we eat pizza on Thanksgiving. We just don’t wanna see where pepperoni comes from. YIKES!



Yesterday, the RGJ headline read: “Jobless Benefits Extended for Nevadans.” It might just be the semantics of the wording but anyone who can find the benefit in being unemployed is looking at things through beer goggles.



We’ve always held the position that Islam treats its women like shit. They’ve gotta cover up from head to toe, they can’t drive and they can’t be seen in public with a man she’s not related to. Bass-ackward cave-dwelling rat-bastards. Well, it looks like things are loosening up. Yesterday a suicide bomber in Baghdad blew 13 people to smithereens. The bomber was a woman. Way to start treating women equally, douchebags. Islam better not promise women going to heaven 72 virgins. What the hell is a woman gonna do with 72 virgins? Not. Much.



A new report out there says that the Silver State needs better-educated workers. Hey, we’re all for better ed-u-ma-ca-tion, but right next to that story was the one about a proposed 25 percent tuition hike for Nevada’s colleges and universities. WTF is up with that? They say they need more educated workers then they turn around and make it financially harder for people to get into college. That sucks.



And finally today…the Little General said yesterday that if the Wolf Pack lost to La Tech this weekend but got invited to a bowl game anyway, he’d seriously consider not going. Yeah, right.


The chances of Nevada finishing 6-6? Maybe. The chances of Nevada finishing 6-6 and getting a bowl berth?...ANY bowl berth? Maybe. The chances of Chris Ault & Cary Groth declining a bowl invite...ANY bowl invite? Never. Gonna. Happen.



(8.-)

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Don't Tase Me Bro!



We sure do love the PoPo down in the 702. Matter of fact, most of us here at PTB have enjoyed extended stays with the boys and girls in blue down in Sin City. But this stuff is just BSC.



Several of Vegas’ finest were in training back in ‘03. Part of their schoolin’ was gettin’ and electric enema on the other end of a Taser. Folks teachin’ Police Academy figured that you don’t really know how nasty one of those little suckers are unless you get zapped by one. ZAP! The cops got up close and personal with that dangerous little juice box.



Now two of the officers are suing the makers of Taser saying the company hadn’t warned them about the potential for getting messed the fuck up with one of those electric gizmos. Uh, Really?



Unless you’ve been livin’ in a cave with OBL for the last decade, you’ve probably seen dozens of people getting’ zapped with Tasers by the cops. Most of the time it’s for minor offenses but they get zapped anyway. Zap. Zap. Zap. Tasers may be non-lethal (in most cases) but they’re nasty little buggers nonetheless. If these two doofuses didn’t realize that before they got their shock treatment, they obviously don’t possess the brain pan volume to become police officers in the first place.




(8.-)

Monday, November 24, 2008

Imagine There's No Heaven


It’s interesting to see Reno’s D-league hoops team promising us the “NBA Experience.” Guess that means we’ll get overpriced tickets, overpriced food and underperforming dawdlers lagging up and down the court. Heck, throw in a primadonna teammate or two, opponents no one cares about and a losing record and you’ll experience the NBA the same way 90% of the league does.



We can’t stress this enough. School uniforms. Worst. Idea. Ever. State Senator Bob Coffin is proposing that all public school students in the NV wear uniforms. Yo Coff…if all the little chillens are wearing the same thing, how are the PoPo gonna know who the gangbangers are?



On this day in history in 1859, Charles Darwin published On the Origin of Species. JZeus has been spinning in his grave ever since.



In today’s dead tree edition of the RGJ, Janice Ayres says that Nevada shouldn’t use its Tobacco Settlement Funds to bail out the state budget. She’s right. That money was specifically given to states so they could educate and treat people addicted to nicotine. Problem is, we’re already using those dollars to give Nevada high schoolers the Millennium Scholarship. Remember, if people quit smoking, the state will lose out on lots of tax money. So keep on puffin’ those stogies!



Looks like Citigroup is gonna get more government-sponsored welfare. Goddamned corporate socialists. Let’s get this straight. Citigroup wants billions of taxpayer dollars so that that they can loan it to people who don’t need it so those people can buy more crap that they don’t need and can’t afford. Are we missing something here?



Finally today…the Beatles. You remember them. They’re the drug-addled, hippy, rock-n-roll freaks who glorified drugs, Charles Manson and some brotherhubbard named Rocky Raccoon. Back in the day, John Lennon even went so far as to say the Beatles were bigger than JZeus. Oops! That sure put the band on the religious right’s shit list. Well, time heals all wounds, or maybe time wounds all heels. ANYWAY…now
the Vatican is saying that the Beatles’ music was some of the most creative stuff ever written and their songs are classic compared to today’s tunes and that they forgive the band. Yeah right. Ever heard Octopuses Garden? It’s the story of man/mermaid love. And that’s a whole lot worse than gay marriage! No worries though, next to Kittie, NWA and GWAR, the mop tops from Liverpool look like friggin’ choirboys.




(8.-)

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Wankin' the Weekend

Ninth ranked Boise State is rollin' into town Saturday afternoon for some football.


Saturday night...Oregon State and Mickey-O's little brother come on in for some hoops.


One of the best reasons in the world to live in the 775!


(8.-)

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Brown Out



Why is everyone skidmarking their Underoos over illegal immigration? SHEESH! The way people complain, you’d think someone dropped a mard in their Cocoa Puffs. The crux of our biscuit today is that we think the whole thing is racistm. Don’t believe us?



Notice how every time the ICE guys make a bust, the folks getting’ popped are from Central and South America? Every single one of ‘em. And all of ‘em have brown skin. All of ‘em.



Have you ever seen whitey get busted for bein’ an illegal? No. Does that mean no one from Canada or Great Britain or France or Germany ever skipped across the border illegally? No. It just means that the ICE-stapo have a much easier time bustin’ someone that isn’t a cracker.



Speaking of whitey…notice how the fence on the U.S. border is on our southern border and not on our northern border. Aye Caramba! Realize this huckleberries…the last time someone wanted to give us the terrorist fist-bump, they came in from the Canadian border…not the Mexican border. Way to “Protect and Serve” douchebags.



How come every time the ICEmen cometh, the brown-skinded brothers and sisters they bust are all at work? JZeus-friggin-Christo. And it’s not like they take jobs from regular Americans. Ever work in a fast food restaurant? BLECH! The place is hot and sweaty, it smells, you earn very little money and even less respect. You wanna go work there? We didn’t think so.



What we’re trying to say here is that y’all seem a bit paranoid about illegal immigration but you only spout about the illegals that aren’t white. Got a news flash for the rednecks out there...you think you hate illegal immigrants? Ask a REAL American what they think about the Irish and the Italians and the Brits and the Slavs. They’d say “Go back to your own country you friggin’ crackers!” After all…they lived here with the Mexicans long before whitey took over. How’d that work out?



(8.-)

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Page 3A


There are a few reasons we stay subscribed to the RGJ’s dead tree edition but this has got to be the best…



Yesterday, we got three pages into the first section when…BAM!...the trippy news hit us smack dab in between the eyes…





The guy that got paid to fly GJG around got demoted. Why? He flew the Gov. from Carson City to ‘Vegas on low fuel and let his 14-year-old son fly the plane. YIKES! We think the demotion is unwarranted. Why? First of all, the pilot wouldn’t have boarded the plane if he thought there wasn’t enough gas to get down to the 702…so that point is moot. Secondly, here at PTB we’re all for dads getting their sons involved in their careers. That’s how we learned to counterfeit money and then how to make license plates. If dad the pilot thought little Jimmy was on it enough to get behind the wheel, that’d be fine with us. After all, how many 14-year-olds lied about their age and joined up in WWII? Lots. And they kicked ass!





Judge Elizabeth Halverson is now ex-judge Halverson. The NV Commission on Judicial Discipline axed her from the bench and barred her from holding a judgeship ever again citing a “…dismal professional history.” Question: Here’s a picture of Her Honor…did removing her from the bench happen to involve a crane? We don’t usually like to rag on people’s appearance but JZeus-firggin’-Christola…that woman’s ass is so big it has its own gravitational field!





One of our old bosses, Jim Rogers, wants a federal grant of $3 billion to get the state’s universities through the current budget hoo-haw. Funny…no one wants higher taxes or government bailouts…unless it’ll help them directly. Wasn’t socialism bandied about during the presidential campaign as a “dirty” word? Yup.





And finally…some political chowderhead from down in the 702 wants all public school kids in the Silver State to wear uniforms. Senator Bob Coffin says that discipline is a problem in the schools and that kids “flaunt their appearance as a sign of disobedience.” No duh gramps. Hey Senator Bob…kids have always cheezed-off their elders with their clothing choices. It’s been that way since kids started wearing clothes way back in the Stone Age. If you think kids are showing you signs of disobedience with their choice of outfits…you should see how they show their disobedience with their hands!




(8.-)

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Grinding Organs


Religion…BAH! It was thirty years ago today that a BSC freak named the Reverend Jim Jones urged his followers to commit mass suicide. The dumbass thought he was JZeus. Many followed orders and offed themselves. The ones who refused got popped. Nine hundred people…dead. Religion? You can have it.



Over the weekend another soldier from the 775 died in the Suck. How many heroes need to be sacrificed before we get the hell outta there? Put it to you this way…if you think the new President’s top priority should be the economy or the environment or healthcare instead of ending the wars…you’re a selfish, un-American, rat-bastard.



Turns out the Brits are in dire need of…wait for it…wait for it…SPERM DONORS! Seems that the new law taking away a donor’s anonymity is keepin’ the Queen’s finest from stepping up and helpin’ out the ladies. We’ve always been big fans of the British so we’re gonna go out on a limb here. If any of y’all British women need a sperm donor and can’t find one…just give us a holler. We’ll show you how it’s done!



And finally…a new report out says that same-sex heart transplants are better for patients than transplants from the opposite sex. Aye Caramba! Let’s get this straight (pun intended)…if two men swap organs, it’s O.K. but if they swap wedding vows or bodily fluids, JZeus’s Dad will be really cheezed-off. How the hell did we get to this place in our world?



(8.-)