Going To Pot

Those of us who live in the Silver State aren’t considered an intelligent bunch. We’re continually at the bottom of the barrel when it comes to things like high school graduation rates, test scores and people goin’ to college.

That said, as Nevadan’s, we pride ourselves on our “live and let live” attitude. We’re the only state in the Union that allows prostitution, we have sports betting and other forms of legal gambling. Heck-fire…we were the divorce capital of the world until the rest of the country shrugged off their Puritanical Underoos and followed suit. So, now we have a dilemma.

They took a poll the other day, as THEY are wont to do, and found out that Nevadan’s are against the legalization and taxation of marijuana. Aye caramba! This, from the same state that gives away alcohol to people who gamble. This from the state that lays claim to “Sin City.” I must be missing something. Nevada is flat broke. No money. It’d seem like a no-brainer to legalize and tax the stuff. But Silver Staters are having none of it. Prostitution? Yes! Cheap alcohol? Yes! Gambling? Yes! Nuclear bombs? You betcha! Pot? NO! I guess now you know why we’re always at the bottom of all those education polls.

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USo'A, Inc.

Corporations are people and citizens with all the rights of all Citizens of the United States of America, Inc.? Aye caramba! Corporations may be considered people by the SCOTUS but they don’t have feelings, they cannot show remorse and they do not die. Does that sound like a “person” to you? I wonder...do you think gay corporations can get gay married? Can a corporation get tossed in Gitmo for bein' an enemy combatant?

Looks like OBL is taking credit for the Fruit of the Boom bomber. Yo-‘Sama…did you know this chucklenut couldn’t even blow up his own Underoos? And you’re takin’ credit for it? Damn dude, you’re really reaching for the bottom of the barrel. Problem is…wussified Americans are gonna give up more of their freedoms now, for the illusion of safety. So, I guess OBL is gonna win again.

And finally…looks like the US Olympic Committee is thinkin’ ‘bout putin’ the 2022 Winter Olympic Games here in the 775. Bad. Idea. Look guys…the NV is so broke, we’re cutting teachers and firemen and state workers and we’ve got a hole in the budget bigger than the one in Governor Gibbons’ cranium. Advocates of bringin’ the games here say that it’ll be a boon for the economy and we’ll get to upgrade all the ski resorts in the area. Hmmm…did anyone bother to ask Salt Lake City what they’re doing with their ski-jumps? Nothing. Do you think Lillehammer, Norway gets a lot of use out of their bobsled courses? Nope. And when all the Olympic tourists leave what’ll be the benefit then? Bupkis.

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Bow Wow

Over the weekend, Chocolate Elvis met with the Emperor of Japan. In typical Japanese tradition, the ‘Bamer bowed during the greeting. Wanna know what happened next? The lunatic fringe skidmarked their collective Underoos. Don’t believe me? This from tighty-righty Bill (no not that Bill) Kristol:


“I don't know why President Obama thought that was appropriate. Maybe he thought it would play well in Japan. But it's not appropriate for an American president to bow to a foreign one." He added that the gesture bespoke a United States that has become weak under Obama. "I'll bet if you look at pictures of world leaders over 20 years meeting the emperor in Japan, they don't bow," Kristol said.


O.K. Bill...I’ll give you that one but I do have a question. Was Chimp-Dick sucking face and holding hands with the Saudi King O.K. with you? What about when the Bush-Wipe appeared with the leader of Vietnam, our sworn enemy? SHEESH! Here’s the crux of today’s biscuit…


No matter what President Barack Hussein Obama does, the tighty-righties are gonna hate it. If Obama wanted a sandwich for lunch, the Republicans would want to rename peanut butter "Freedom Butter.” True dat. No worries, though. The right-wing nut cases are throwing everything against the wall to see what sticks. But the way they’re behaving as the “Party of No," everything that sticks is on their faces.


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Chucklenuts

So, ACORN is in the news again and, as you might expect, the tighty-righties have their Underoos all up in a twist. O.K., I’m not gonna defend ACORN on this one but I do want to get to the crux of an important biscuit. Let’s just say ACORN is guilty as hell for everything they’re accused of. The worst thing to come out of it is that they get busted for registering a bunch of dead people that cannot vote anyway…because they’re dead! Does that really affect anybody? No.


But you surely can bet Glenn “I’ll Be” Beck and Rush “To Judgment” Limbaugh and “Dollar” Bill O’Reilley are having collective conniptions about ACORN. Here’s the question: If the right-wing nutcases go all ballistic over ACORN’s voter fraud, WTF haven’t they made a peep about Halliburton’s war profiteering? Or KBR’s killing of innocent civilians? Or the fact that Chimp-Dick used the Constitution to wipe his ass for eight years? Not a word from those douchebags. Nope, they’re using their straw man arguments to scare the bejeezus out of the unwashed masses and those double-digit IQ’ers are buying it hook, line and stinker. Now you know why, when money is tight, the first thing they cut is ed-u-ma-kay-shun.


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Little Chickenshits

Ya know, I’m pretty damned disappointed. For weeks now the tighty-righties have been skidmarking their Underoos over President Barack Hussein Obama’s speech to the nation's school kids. They said that the ‘Bamer’s speech was gonna turn ‘em all into little left-win socialists. Guess what? It didn’t happen.





I guess I should’ve known it’d turn out this way. It’s the “Boy Who Cried Wolf Syndrome.” Remember back in the day when reflublicans warned us to stock up on supplies and duct tape our houses shut ‘cause the bad guys were gonna attack any minute? I do. BOOGITYBOOGITYBOOGITY! No attack. Remember back in ’04 when the right-wing nutcases said that if a democrat was elected President, the United States would be less safe? I do. I don’t think John Kerry could have made us less safe on purpose than the Bush-Wipe did in those four years.


Yup…the tinfoil hat wearin’ right just loves scarin’ the bejeezus outta folks. And it used to work, Here’s hoping the American public will see through the bullshit now.

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Ace Hole

The story says that Nevada is among the worst states in the entire USo’A in the enforcement of payment of child support. Figures. How can you expect Reno-911 to be out there perp-walkin’ deadbeat dads when they’re so busy hasslin’ burners for burnin’, kids on skateboards and shopkeepers sellin’ hooch to 20-year-olds? SHEESH!


President Obama gave a speech to the nation’s youth today and the tighty-righties have their Underoos in a bunch. They say it is an indoctrination of our children into the ‘Bamer’s fascist ideology. Hey chucklenuts, if you actually could spell well enough to look up the word “fascism,” you’d know how BSC y’all sound for sayin’ it. Besides…could anything be worse for kids than My Pet Goat? Losers.


Obama advisor and “Green Czar” Van Jones resigned over the weekend ‘cause he said that the government-cheese was involved in 9/11 and he called republicans “assholes.” Well, he wears the kind of tinfoil hat that lets him believe that the Bush-Wipes could plan anything correctly, maybe he should have resigned. But calling republicans assholes…ummm…Didn’t Dick call a fellow member of the Senate a “fucker”? Oh yeah…and Dick is the one who still thinks Iraq had something to do with 9/11. Democrats say dumb things and have to resign…republicans say (and do) dumb things and they’re promoted to the head of the party. Be afraid tighty-righties…2010 is right around the corner and y’all are gonna get smoked like a Cuban cigar. Aye caramba!


And finally, a mea culpa. That’s right. I was wrrr…wrrr….wrong. Earlier this year I predicted that the Reno Aces were gonna fall flat on their, well…aces. Boy did I screw the pooch on that one. All summer long the Aces drew decent crowds, played pretty exciting baseball and proved the old adage…”When PTB makes his predictions, get rich by betting the other way.” True dat.

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Supreme Being

Looks like the ‘Bamer got hisself a pick for the SCOTUS. It’s a pretty good bet that the tighty-righties are gonna get their Underoos in a bunch over the pick. But we’re gonna save ‘em the trouble of researching her past and give you the boogity boogity up front, right here. So, without further ado…a couple of things you might not have known about Supreme Court nominee -- Judge Sonia Sotomayor:



In her early years, she rode with Pancho Villa.



She isn’t even Hispanic. Her real name is Brunhilde Steinmetz-Glockenspiel.



She was one of Wilt Chamberlain’s 20,000 conquests.



Her friends nicknamed her “SoSo.”



Before going into law, she played midfield for Real Madrid.



She speaks seven different languages, none of which are Spanish.



Played rhythm guitar for Santana at Woodstock.



Wrestled in the Mexican WWE as Jurist Prudence.



She earned money for law school doing voiceover work as the Taco Bell chihuahua.



And lastly...something you didn't know about Judge Sonia Sotomator...She once sat in for Lynn Toler as a guest judge on Divorce Court.



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Swine Flu. Pigs Fly?

“Sewer rat might taste like pumpkin pie, but I’d never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker.” Samuel L. Jackson as Jules Winnfield – Pulp Fiction.




Swine flu…swine flu…swine flu…BoogityBoogityBoogity! Talk about the pussification of America. Do y’all really think we need Homeland Security on this one? C’mon now…more people died yesterday in Oakland from gunshots than have died across the whole USo’A the last decade from swine flu. We’re skidmarking our collective Underoos over this bull-oney? Hell, after hearing the news that this outbreak originated in Mexico, Lou Dobbs’ head exploded like a watermelon in a microwave. BOOM! Goes the dynamite. Damn, people are walking around in surgical masks makin’ ‘em all look like a bunch of rejected extras from the movie Outbreak.



There is good news to all this, though. We found a couple of facts about swine flu that y’all would be hard-pressed to find anywhere else:


-- Swine flu doesn’t come from regular pigs. Swine flu comes from Guinea Pigs, natives of Guinea-Bissau, Papua New Guinea and Porklahoma.


-- There are pills you can take to prevent you from getting’ the nasty li’l bug. Problem is, there are side effects. When you take Pigcedrin, Pig-to-Bismol or StyQuil…the side effects may include: Fluctuating Ass Crack, Jowl Booty, Armpit Lint, Smoking Penis Syndrome, Uncontrollable Breastulations, Re-detached Etnas, Bloviating Pie-Hole and Poopy Diaper.



One last thing to remember, y’all – No matter how bad this swine flu thingy gets…it’ll never be as bad as Captain Trips.



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Like This and Like That

Wow, another chapter in the fiasco that is the marriage of Governor Jim and Dawn Gibbons. Every time a new story comes out about these two, it seems more fitting for the Jerry Springer Show than major metropolitan newspapers. What we don’t understand is that GJG says he’s gonna run for a second term in the State House. Huevos rancheros bro. The chances of him winning reelection are the same as our chances of getting’ some rebound poontang from Mrs. G. Yo Dawn…you know where we are, give us a holler! We can always hope, can’t we?

Defense Secretary Robert Gates says he wants to cut a bunch of unnecessary weapons systems from the Pentagon’s budget. You can bet the tighty-righties all over are getting’ their Underoos in a bunch over that one. The thing is…he’s right to do it. We’ve said it here before – WTF good is another aircraft carrier, a bunch of F-22’s or a missile defense system in fightin’ the terrorists? NONE! The only people these humongous military projects benefit are defense contractors. Anyone remember Ike’s warning about the “military-industrial complex"? We do.

There’s no getting around the fact that Guy Felton likes to cheese-off politicians. He’s been doin’ it for years. Now comes the twist. Felton has been sending some pretty nasty e-mails to Washoe County Commissioner David Humke. No, not the kinds that promise one pill that can enlarge your breasts and penis while growing you a full head of hair. Felton blasted off a couple of tirades threatening to bust some ass and that’s where Reno 911 stepped in. The PoPo arrested Felton and charged him with harassment and stalking. Here’s our beef with this one: There’s a little thingy on e-mail accounts that lets you block certain senders. So, why didn’t Humke just block Felton’s e-mail addy? Our thought is that Felton is such a turd in the Commission’s punch bowl that they wanted him tossed in the hoosegow. Question. Is that how elected officials in the 775 treat dissent? Wow, maybe America is turning into a socialist nation. Note to the Washoe County Commission: When you vote on projects, you never seem to think about the people of Northern Nevada. Why give a shit when you get an e-mail from one of ‘us?

And finally…yesterday, Vermont became the fourth state (behind Connecticut, Massachusetts and Iowa) to legalize gay marriage. That sound you hear? It’s not JZeus’ Dad making the sinners pay. It’s not the Lord’s fury unleashed at this “abomination” like Jerry Falwell would like you to believe. As far as we can tell, the Invisible Man in the Sky has been quite mum on the subject. No, that sound you hear is the collective sphincters of all the religious nut-jobs, homophobes and bible thumpers tightening to the point of rupture. Sorry guys…you lose.

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Baracket Busters

In eight years of pResidency, Chimp-Dick was on vacation one out of every four days and no one (‘ceptin’ us) made a peep.

During the first 100 days of his Presidency, the ‘Bamer took four hours to fill out an NCAA basketball bracket and every tighty-righty lookin’ for a re-elect is skidmarking their Underoos.

Check it: If Barry O has the brain pan to lead the USo’A outta this shit-storm, he certainly has the capability to fill out a couple of brackets without dropping the ball. Just ‘cause GWB read My Pet Goat upside down doesn’t mean everyone holding the office rode the short bus to school.

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Dolls and Sense

Well, Barbie turned fifty years old today. Funny, she doesn’t look a day over nineteen. Here at PTB we have a special place in our hard…ummm…HEART for Barbie. After all, she was the only girlfriend we had ‘til we went off to college….but that’s a crux of a different biscuit.





You’d think an iconic doll like Barbie would cause little commotion in the sleepy world of toys. You’d think, but you’d be wrong. Turns out, this year’s edition of our petite, plastic, paramour has everyone’s Underoos in a bunch. Why? ‘Cause Barbie comes with TATS! That’s right…little girls and boys from all over the world can tramp stamp their dolls to look like the real thing.



That got us to thinkin’ ‘bout other editions of Barbie you could release that’d cheese off the “holier-than-thous.”



There could be the Maury Povich Barbie where the doll would come on the MoPoShow and have seven guys DNA tested to see who the baby-daddy is.



There could be the Bernie Madoff Barbie who takes all your money then disappears along with her Malibu Barbie yacht and mansion set.



You could have an Alex Rodriguez Barbie who admits to getting breast implants years ago but swears she hasn’t had any other plastic surgery since then. In the meantime, you’d have to send her back to the factory to fix her messed up hip – a byproduct of having such humongous bazongas.



Lastly, if you wanted to, you could get a Rush Limbaugh Barbie. She’d be strung out on OxyContin and Cialis and when you pulled her string she’d start whining and complaining about commies, and socialists, and liberals, and gays, and Ted Kennedy’s jowls.



There you have it…HAPPY BIRTHDAY Barbie. We’re gonna get back into the closet and dig up our old favorite Barbie. Like Nikky Boone said in Remember the Titans, “I’m not playing with dolls. I’m accessorizing.”


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Bong With the Wind

The Michael Phelps saga continues to spiral into the abyss.




As you know, last week the Daily Mirror printed a pic of the Chosen One smoking out of a bong. People were outraged. “How can he do that? He’s a role model! And “We expect better behavior from an Olympian.” Next thing you know, everyone’s got their Underoos in a bunch. Sponsors dropped Phelps quicker than bank execs spending TARP money. Phelps apologized, more sponsors bailed and now this…





Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott has decided he wants his fifteen minutes and has arrested eight, count ‘em eight people in connection with the Phelps picture. Lott says that the pic indicated to him that a crime was committed. Aye Caramba! This is the kind of thing that drives us bat-shit crazy.





First of all, owning a bong or smoking out of a bong is not a crime in America. Period...unless you're Tommy Chong. But, by merely looking at the pic, Sheriff Lott has decided a crime was committed. Great, the motherhubbard thinks he’s Nancy Drew. O.K…O.K…Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that Phelps was indeed smokin’ the ganja. Ummm…Sheriff? Is smoking reefer the most pressing law enforcement item on your agenda? No meth labs to bust there in the SC? No murders or rapists to go after? Guess not. Sheriff Lott’s over-zealous prosecution of a minor drug offense sends the wrong message to people. Law enforcement officers in South Carolina aren’t supposed to be bustin’ famous rich white kids for smokin’ the Kind… law enforcement officers in South Carolina are supposed to be bustin’ poor black people for being the wrong color. After all, that’s the kind of behavior we’ve come to expect from southern lawmen.

BTW...if we're gonna start bustin' people for the crime of "appearing in pictures with drug paraphernalia"...every rapper in the country will be spendin' some time in the Gray Bar Motel.





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BasKidBall

Y’all remember being in the seventh grade? It wasn’t that long ago for us here at PTB…we remember it like it was yesterday. After all, seventh grade was three of the best years we ever had. But that’s a crux of a different biscuit…


Seventh grade was the time in our life when girls stopped having cooties, our music tastes changed from kiddy pop to rock & roll and we started counting the days ‘til we were gonna get our driver’s license (1,460). Ah, the joys of youth. Now, the NCAA wants to really screw things up.



Famous for giving birth to the BCS, the “student”-athlete and Dick Vitale, the NCAA has squirted one out of their pooty hole that surprised even us. Last week the NCAA voted to allow college basketball coaches to recruit kids as early as seventh grade. Aye Caramba! All through high school, jocks got preferential treatment from teachers, administrators and, of course, the PoPo. Now, this ruling bestows BMOC status on kids who are barely out of their Underoos. WTF would a seventh grader know about which college to go to? Nothing.



This is just another example of how the culture of the athletic circle jerk is ruining the USo’A. Don’t believe us? Most people couldn’t name you one single Supreme Court Justice, the capital of Djibouti or even the biggest planet in the solar system…but almost everyone knows who won the last Super Bowl, or who Michael Jordan is, or that every baseball player in the 1990’s was juicin’. That’s our biggest problem…we put all our time, money and effort into kids playing sports that we ignore the fact that they need to learn readin’, writin’, and ‘rithmetic. What’s worse, is that if you’re a jock-strap, you’ve got little chance of playing beyond high school and an infinitesimal chance of playing beyond college. Meanwhile, the future doctors, lawyers and scientists of America are getting their funding cut and their needs ignored. This is the kind of crap that’s gonna bite us all in the ass one day. Luckily, most of us will be sitting on ours…watching sports on T.V.



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Prohibition Inhibitions

Seventy-five years ago today the USo’A decided to give up on the “noble experiment” that was Prohibition. At that exact moment, tighty-righties around the country skidmarked their collective Underoos. That’s back when you could smoke reefer and snort blow legally but the morality police had figured the only way to prevent drunkenness was to ban alcohol altogether. That didn’t work out too well now, did it? So, alcohol became legal again. Thank you JZeus!




Can you imagine the state of Nevada today without alcohol? YIKES! We’d have to rename ourselves West Utah. BLECH! Think of it this way…who’d wanna see some cracked out skank do a pole dance if alcohol wasn’t involved? No one. Do you know how boring video poker is when you’re sober? BORING! Even worse, if Prohibition was still in effect, the only commercials you’d see on the Super Bowl would be for cars and tampons. Aye caramba!




Besides, look at all the jobs that legal alcohol has created. From brewmeisters and distributors to bartenders, cocktail waitresses and alcohol abuse counselors. Alcohol is responsible for thousands of jobs in the Silver State. Heck-fire, if the PoPo didn’t have DUI checkpoints to do, they’d have to go out and do some REAL police work like catching bad guys and stuff.




The crux of our biscuit today is simple. In the 13 years that alcohol was illegal in America, alcohol-related deaths soared. Why? Without government oversight, people were making nasty, rot gut swill from crap like kerosene, lighter fluid and ass wax. But people drank anyway. The fact that it was illegal didn’t dissuade anyone from drinking. Not even the possibility of death stopped folks from tyin’ one on. Making booze illegal diverted the cops’ attention from really bad guys like murderers and rapists. You go Elliot Ness! Prohibition was an abject failure.




We look back on it now and romanticize the bootleggers and the rum runners from days past. How quaint those huckleberry moonshiners were! So what’s the difference between the Dukes of Hazzard and some poor brown-skinded brother bringin’ a load of the ganja across the border or growing it in his hydroponic grow room? Nothing. Keeping the prohibition against marijuana is just as stupid-assed as the prohibition against alcohol. Maybe one day we’ll learn. Probably not…but maybe.



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Brown Out

Why is everyone skidmarking their Underoos over illegal immigration? SHEESH! The way people complain, you’d think someone dropped a mard in their Cocoa Puffs. The crux of our biscuit today is that we think the whole thing is racistm. Don’t believe us?



Notice how every time the ICE guys make a bust, the folks getting’ popped are from Central and South America? Every single one of ‘em. And all of ‘em have brown skin. All of ‘em.



Have you ever seen whitey get busted for bein’ an illegal? No. Does that mean no one from Canada or Great Britain or France or Germany ever skipped across the border illegally? No. It just means that the ICE-stapo have a much easier time bustin’ someone that isn’t a cracker.



Speaking of whitey…notice how the fence on the U.S. border is on our southern border and not on our northern border. Aye Caramba! Realize this huckleberries…the last time someone wanted to give us the terrorist fist-bump, they came in from the Canadian border…not the Mexican border. Way to “Protect and Serve” douchebags.



How come every time the ICEmen cometh, the brown-skinded brothers and sisters they bust are all at work? JZeus-friggin-Christo. And it’s not like they take jobs from regular Americans. Ever work in a fast food restaurant? BLECH! The place is hot and sweaty, it smells, you earn very little money and even less respect. You wanna go work there? We didn’t think so.



What we’re trying to say here is that y’all seem a bit paranoid about illegal immigration but you only spout about the illegals that aren’t white. Got a news flash for the rednecks out there...you think you hate illegal immigrants? Ask a REAL American what they think about the Irish and the Italians and the Brits and the Slavs. They’d say “Go back to your own country you friggin’ crackers!” After all…they lived here with the Mexicans long before whitey took over. How’d that work out?



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