Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Swine Flu. Pigs Fly?

“Sewer rat might taste like pumpkin pie, but I’d never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker.” Samuel L. Jackson as Jules Winnfield – Pulp Fiction.

Swine flu…swine flu…swine flu…BoogityBoogityBoogity! Talk about the pussification of America. Do y’all really think we need Homeland Security on this one? C’mon now…more people died yesterday in Oakland from gunshots than have died across the whole USo’A the last decade from swine flu. We’re skidmarking our collective Underoos over this bull-oney? Hell, after hearing the news that this outbreak originated in Mexico, Lou Dobbs’ head exploded like a watermelon in a microwave. BOOM! Goes the dynamite. Damn, people are walking around in surgical masks makin’ ‘em all look like a bunch of rejected extras from the movie Outbreak.

There is good news to all this, though. We found a couple of facts about swine flu that y’all would be hard-pressed to find anywhere else:

-- Swine flu doesn’t come from regular pigs. Swine flu comes from Guinea Pigs, natives of Guinea-Bissau, Papua New Guinea and Porklahoma.

-- There are pills you can take to prevent you from getting’ the nasty li’l bug. Problem is, there are side effects. When you take Pigcedrin, Pig-to-Bismol or StyQuil…the side effects may include: Fluctuating Ass Crack, Jowl Booty, Armpit Lint, Smoking Penis Syndrome, Uncontrollable Breastulations, Re-detached Etnas, Bloviating Pie-Hole and Poopy Diaper.

One last thing to remember, y’all – No matter how bad this swine flu thingy gets…it’ll never be as bad as Captain Trips.