Meanderthal

She’s 47 million years old and her name is Ida. No, she’s not John McCain’s sister, she’s the missing link. An appropriate time for a haiku, neh?

Evolution? Yes.
"Believers" can now believe.
Thank God for science.



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Here We Go Again

2008 sucked.

What’s in store for the next year?

Pray hard for ’09.

(8.-)

Let Them Play

Is John McCain full of shit, or what? This is what he said today in regard to the economic clusterfuck:

"It is difficult to act both quickly and wisely, but that is what is required of us right now. Time is short, and doing nothing is not an option."


Umm…actually, doing nothing IS an option…just not one that Uncle Fester and the ‘Bamer are gonna take. BTW, you know where you hear terms like “Act Now!” and “Time is Running Out!”? Used car lots and screaming car commercials. Heck, We half expect Senator McSame to hit the podium next time wearing a green suit with dollar signs all over it.


Look JMac…there’s nothing you can do in the next week that you wouldn’t have been able to do in the last 25 years of your political career. Do us all a favor…show up and take your ass-whoopin’ like a man. We’ll dally it in haiku:

To debate or not
Is John McCain pussin’ out?
That is the question


Economy’s bad!
Did you just figure that out?
What took you so long?



It’s debate time dude!
Words will come back to bite you.
Bamer’s smoove. You’re toast.


Don’t worry Grandpa
It will all be over soon
Can you say landslide?

RNC Ya Later

Last night’s RNC Convention-ender is a stark reminder to anyone wanting to go into politics….learn to read a TelePrompter. If you don’t, you risk looking like a skeevy, creepy old perv. Just ask Senator McSame. But while most peeps were watchin’ the convention on networks like MSNBC, CNN or Faux News…we were watchin’ it all on C-Span. The difference? No bobbleheads…no spin…no commercials…wall-to-wall uninterrupted coverage. It’s what we like to say is: “balls to the wall.”



So, if you weren’t watchin’ C-Span, you probably missed the scariest thing to happen in quite some time. Just as the convention was ending…balloons poppin’ in the background like shots from an M-16…up walks a preacher man. As he spoke, the crowd quieted and the preacher man launched into a prayer.



He asked the Invisible Man in the Sky to watch over the Republican party and to watch over John McCain and to help the tighty-righties win the election. Oh yeah…and don’t forget to watch over our troops. That got us thinkin’…which party does JZeus support? Do you think it’s the Republican Party? We demonstrate with haiku…




Kill ‘em in Iraq
Revenge for 9-11
Osama’s not there.


Right-wing war machine
Russia, Iran, Syria
WTF is next?


Tax cuts for the rich
Let the poor folks help themselves
Get a job suckers!



POW J-Mac
How many houses you have?
A lot more than us.



Little guys hurtin’
Trickle-down economy
doesn’t help the poor.




Hey God, you up there?
Republicans claim you’re theirs
That, or they’re lying.


(8.-)

The Week That Was

It’s been a wild first week at the Beijing Olympics. We’re not complaining, mind you. As a matter of fact we love this stuff. For the end of the week, we haiku some of our favorites…



The air quality
Isn’t as bad as it looks
Beijing has brown skies




Minor sports ignored
Major sports shoved down our holes
Ping pong? No. Hoops? Yes.




Michael Phelps swims fast
Chinese gymnasts look too young.
Redeem Team redeemed?



All sports on the net
No more need for Bob Costas
TV is soon dead


(8.-)

Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

We haiku about the recent trouble of one of the most famous athletes to come out of THE University of Nevada:

Tony Z - Kicker

gets the girl by drugging her.

Jocks feel entitled.

Where did you learn this?

Didn't football teach you class?

Or did you skip class?

(8.-)

Out of Gun-trol

Today the SCOTUS made an historic (obvious?) decision....you're allowed to own a gun.

YEEHAWWW!!!

We celebrate with Haiku:

Janie's got a gun

for self-defense or hunting.

Let the bullets fly.

Payback is a bitch.

Pops a cap in her hubby

then on to Bambi.

Guns equal safety?

Don't come near us with those things.

We don't wanna die.

(8.-)

Pump & Go

Boy howdy...this is why we love livin' in the 775. 'Round these parts there's a lot of empty space. Heck, here in the NV, we measure driving distances in hours not miles. Now, it's turnin' out that the jacked-up price of petrol is not only keeping people closer to home, it's also killing business in our beloved "dens of iniquity." Hard to pay good scratch for a dip in the patch when it costs more to drive there than getting the actual deed.

So, to keep business movin' along, the Shady Lady is offering...you guessed it...gas cards with every piece of 'tang! AWESOME! This is the kind of business acumen and can-do attitude that makes Silver Staters the baddest motherhubbards on the planet.

We haiku in awe...

Lady of the night

fill her up...then fill 'er up

Gas for ass. It's true.

(8.-)

In Space...No One Can Hear You Flush

Astro commode broke



Ground control to Major Tom



Does freeze-dried poo float?







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An Army of Ummm...

Remember the dead

Fighting someone else's war

They gave more than all




They tell you they support our troops.



They support their wallets.


(8.-)

TOUCHDOWN!

Mars has been scaring the bejeezus out of us here at PTB since H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds. Even against Tom Cruise…those Martians are bad motherhubbards!


Problem is, those aren’t really Martians…they’re boogityboogity bad guys from the darkness of a Hollywood writer’s mind.


Guarantee…the first cute&fuzzy bunny we find outside our own troposphere is gonna look like the grout in the cracks of yer tub…

So…in honor of HGW and the master…Matsuo Basho…we haiku:

The North Pole of Mars.
What do you think we will find?
E.T. anyone?

We Love us some Pole.
Does the Red Planet have life?
Santa and his Elves.

Life is everywhere
Man in the image of God
So God looks like a…?

(8.-)

A River Runs Through It

Like we've said before...here in the 775 we'll race anything. We race airplanes. We race balloons. We race dromedaries. Heck...we even race commodes. This weekend it's kayaks as the Reno River Festival shifts into high gear. Lots of wet boating fun. And no, not the Fred Smoot kind. It's a great event for the whole fam and, hopefully, it'll be on our calendars for a long time. That being said, we muse on the future of the RRF with a haiku quartet. Enjoy. Oh yeah...and Happy Mother's Day to all you muthers out there!

Lawns are turning brown

then withering into dust.

But Reno's growing!

There is NOT a drought.

Lets us have a festival.

Pray to God it rains.

Fun on the river

No need to conserve the stuff

water's a-plenty.

The party's downtown

Just what we need, more tourists.

Watch out for the cops!

(8.-)

Let That Be Your Last Battlefield

Here at PTB we make fun of religion all the time. It’s not that we don’t think people should put all their eggs in the basket of the “Invisible Man in the Sky” – we just find it odd that the more religious one seems to be, the less likely they are to act in accordance with scriptures.


Islam is a religion of peace.

Judaism is a religion of peace.

Christianity is a religion of peace.



So why don’t zealous followers of their religions practice what they preach? To that question, we haiku…




Holy Shrine melee.

Can’t we all just get along?

Who would JZeus punch?


(8.-)

Sunshine on My Shoulder

We know that here in the 775 two-thirds of all jobs are rollin’ between 2pm and 8am. That’s what you get livin’ and workin’ in a 24/7 economy. But for the lucky few who do the 9-5, it's the weekend you’ve been waiting for...turn back the hands of time!


We give Chimp-Dick lots of well-deserved crap but on this one he hit it right on the button. Daylight Savings Time ROCKS!!! Thank you PGB!


Yeah, we hear complaints from the blue hairs with their blue plates about the blinking clock on their microwave, losing a whole hour of sleep and having to reset the clock on their VCR's but it’s a small price to pay for extra daylight.




With that in mind...a haiku:



Daylight Savings Time

Get off work with time to play.

The sun is shining.



(8.-)

Ron Paul, Ringo & George

Even though he looks like he gets residuals from “Cheers”…we knew “With” Romney would spanka-spanka in the 775’s Republican caucus. Hell, the Silver State is home to more LDS’ers than any other state in the union ‘ceptin’ the Beehive State.


But our hearts warmed when we saw the final tally for Ron Paul. He not only placed second in the 775’s Republican caucus, he got MORE votes than Hil, the Bamer, EasyE and every other candidate from either side of the aisle. Simply. Amazing. You know, our rule is "never trust a man with two first names" but we like Ron Paul. RoPa is so crazy he makes Jack Torrance look like Stephen Hawking. But we like that about him. Anything to scare skidmarks into the pants of the bourgie motherhubbards is just fine by us.



Typical Nevada. We don’t conform. We like it wild. To celebrate…a haiku:


Ron Paul is the man
In the seven-seven-five
Change is a-comin’


(8.-)

Another One Bites The Dust

We love the girls here at PTB. We're of the opinion that if more of them were movers and shakers, we wouldn't be in the shit-storm we're in.


Now comes the news that Benazir Bhutto of Pakistan got capped today. Isn't it funny how the good get got early and the asses just keep getting bigger?



Well...here's to you B.B. May your 72 virgins keep you happy and may the perps of this heinousity rot in their own special hell.



Bhutto was our hope.

Islam…religion of peace?

Not if you’re a girl.


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That Urine Isn't Mine Officer!!!

It sure sucks when someone you've admired for a long time turns out to be a fake.

Here at PTB we've got no problems with drugs.


You wanna sniff paint? That's O.K. by us.


You smoke hairs from a ho's ass crack? Go ahead.


But when you're doing drugs to get an edge on the competition...that's just wrong. A haiku to ease our pain:




Say it ain't so Joe!

Are you a juiced-up cheater?

The 775 mourns.

Proud To Be A 'Merican?

Black is beautiful.

Don't sit under the whites tree.

Not in the Bayou.



Crackers in Jena

don't like you if you're colored.

They’re redneck morons.



In America

can a brother get a break?

No…too much hate here.




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Lawyers, Guns and Money

Too many missing.

Where's the problem in Iraq?

Who would Allah shoot?


(8.-)

Park Place?

Quality baseball will peak interest here for about two weeks. Then, the honeymoon'll be over.


What the hell kind of "mixed use" can you get out of a baseball field anyway? Water slide down the third base line? Internet cafes in the dugouts?


To make a profit with a AAA baseball team, you need butts in seats. The 775 just can't pull that off . We can't even support the teams already here. Besides, where you gonna put it?


Downtown Reno? Crappy Parking.


Sparks Marina? Renoites would commit seppuku.


There just aren't enough people in the 775 who'll drive to WHEREVER to see minor league baseball. Haiku says it all.



Where to build the park?

five thousand people needed

profits will be nil

(8.-)