Adieu Les Bleus

You’ve got to hand it to the Frogs…no team in international football has the diva thing down quite like Les Bleus. Alas, we won’t have them to entertain us anymore. This morning hosts Bafana Bafana dropped a deuce on Thierry Henry and company, sending France home in defeat and disgrace.

IMHO, the funniest story line to come out of the French team’s debacle is the tongue lashing they got from former star player Zinedine Zidane. Zidane criticized the team for its “ridiculous, childish behavior.” What a load of crap. Y’all rember Z2 dontcha? Last World Cup he got red carded in the final game for givin’ Marco Materazzi the old Glasgow Kiss. Talk about a classy guy. Getting scolded by Zinedine Zidane for acting like idiotic morons is like being called dumb by George W. Bush. True story.

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The Politics of Television

Bad news for civics geeks…like myself. Today the SCOTUS ruled that corporations can put as much money as they want into the election of a federal candidate. Aye caramba! It all dates back to 1886 when the SCOTUS ruled that corporations have all the rights and privileges as real people. WTF? I thought Supreme Court Justices were supposed to be smart. Guess not.

But you’re probably asking your monitor, “WTF do I care if corporations can spend butt-loads of money on political campaigns?” Good question. And if you asked it, you’d better sit down for the answer. You see…corporations have lots and Lots and LOTS of money. For someone to get elected, they need lots and Lots and LOTS of money. So now, corporations can pick their favorite candidate and spend the other candidate into submission. You think WalMart is gonna support a candidate that is pro-union? Nope. You think Shell Oil is gonna stand idly by while a tree-hugging, Green Party, liberal gets elected to the Senate? Nope.

Now, I’ve got to do a full disclaimer here: Every time you watch a political commercial, we here at PTB make ONE MILLION DOLLARS. That said, the new ruling is gonna be a boon to the television industry. YAY! But how much is it gonna help political discourse in America? Actually, it’s gonna kill it. Remember how the Swiftboaters made Vietnam vet John Kerry into a traitorous coward while they made George W. Bush into a hero? Americans didn’t even bother to check the facts. They just believed what television told ‘em to believe. That’s how dumb of a nation we are. That’s the road we’re gonna go down later this year and every election after. Aye caramba!

Well…now that I think about it, there might just be a silver lining in all this. In a few years, politicians are gonna have so many sponsorships, they’re gonna have logos all over their suits, makin’ ‘em look like NASCAR drivers. At least we’ll know who paid ‘em off. True dat.

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Shoe Fly

In the Islamic world there's no bigger insult than someone hitting you with a shoe. It's their version of flipping someone the bird. Remember what the Iraqis did to Saddam Hussein's statue? YIKES! Over the weekend an Iraqi journalist tossed not one, but two shoes at pResident Bush. Guess he was thanking Chimp-Dick for all we've done for his country. Just think of it...if that brown-skinded brother had any taste in footwear, G-Dub woulda been JFK'd by a red Prada stiletto. They could call 'em "Go Fuck Yourself" Pumps. Hell of a way to go.


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Musings From a Weekend in Beijing

WOW! That opening ceremony made the Wizard of Oz look like a crappy, low-budget 1970’s porn flick. Our first thought of the OC was “Don’t mess with China!”

When the organizers of London’s 2012 opening ceremony saw what the Chinese did, they promptly upchucked haggis all over their designer suits. The only way London’s OC could top Beijing’s is if they stage a full-scale reenactment of the Battle of Waterloo. Good luck with that.

Did you see Bush-Wipe at the OC? At one point he was looking restless and bored…much like an OCD 10-year-old sitting through a church service. All of a sudden he started using his little American Flag like a drumstick…tapping it on his leg in time to the music. Nice job Chimp-Dick. And you wanted a Constitutional Amendment to outlaw flag burning? You are a failure, an embarrassment and a hypocrite! You cannot be gone soon enough.

Last thing about the OC. Did you see the Hungarian team make their entrance? Their unis looked like they just came out of a paintball game!

Throughout the Olympics we’re seeing a lot of commercials from the Home Depot. The HD touts all the Oly athletes that work for ‘em. That made us think…Home Depot must have the baddest company softball team in the world!

Olympic drinking games. You’ve gotta drink whenever... 1. You hear the Olympic anthem. 2. You hear the Olympic fanfare. 3. Bob Costas says something that makes you cringe (for professional drinkers only). 4. China wins gold. That last one is a flash back to McDonalds’ 1984 debacle.

We’ve seen a lot of hottie Chinese women so far in this Oly. You’ve gotta think that the downloading of Asian porn has quadrupled in the last few days.

So, Kerri Walsh’s wedding ring flew off during a match yesterday. See, we told you we had telekinetic powers. Too bad they only work on jewelry and not clothing.

Gold, silver and bronze in Women’s Saber all went to Americans. WOO HOO!!! Never thought we’d see that in our lifetimes. After the medal ceremony the girls went over to get congratulations from former President Bush. One of the fencers started to cry and what did GHWB do? He pulled his snot rag out of his back pocket and gave it to her so she could dry her sniffles. Made us wanna hurl.

ANYWAY…we’ve got 13 more glorious days of Olympics still to come. If the first three days were any indication, we’re all in for one helluva ride.

(8.-)

Le Roi est Mort. La Vie Longue Le Roi.

It's been a tough couple of weeks for us here at PTB. Like they say: "bad things come in threes." Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld. Celtics, Red Sox and Patriots. See what we mean? ANYWAY...in the last couple of cycles we lost Jim McKay...Tim Russert and now George Carlin. These guys weren't just TV personalities...they were our friends, our mentors, our heroes. They made us laugh. They made us cry. But most importantly, they made us think and they gave us hope. In losing those three brotherhubbards...America shines a lot less brightly today. With that, we give you the George Carlin classic: Advertising Lullaby.

Quality, value, style, service, selection, convenience, economy, savings, performance, experience, hospitality, low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms, affordable prices, money-back guarantee. Free installation, free admission, free appraisal, free alterations, free delivery, free estimates, free home trial and free parking.

No cash? No problem! No kidding. No fuss, no muss, no risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment, no entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary. No one will call on you, no payments or interest ‘til September. Limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money. Offer good while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold separately. Batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final. Allow six weeks for delivery, some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply.

So come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultationwith our friendly, professional staff. Our experienced andknowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget. And say, don't forget to pick up your free gift: a classic deluxe custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet pocket pencil sharpener. Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary. It's our way of saying thank you.

And if you act now, we'll include an extra added free complimentary bonus gift at no cost to you: a classic deluxe custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet combination key ring, magnifying glass, and garden hose, in a genuine imitation leather-style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim.Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary. It's our way of saying thank you.

Actually, it's our way of saying "Bend over just a little farther so we can stick this big advertising dick up your ass a little bitdeeper, a little bit deeper, a little bit DEEPER, you miserable no-good dumbass fucking consumer!'

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Free Association Friday

Is politician the only job where if you get divorced, bang a ‘ho or have an EMA you have to resign? Hell…even priests get to keep their jobs! We do wonder though, how you can keep your Government-Cheese gig after gettin’ busted for trolling for gay sex in an airport bathroom.


Everyone’s gettin’ their Underoos in a twist over Scotty Mac’s new book. There’s nothin’ in there we didn’t already know. But notice how critics of the book are raggin’ on Scottie Mac the person while ignoring revelations that Chimp-Dick, Dr. Evil and Scooter are guilty of treason? We’ve gotta say…if this pResident was a Democrat, they’d have opened up a can of impeaches on his ass long ago.


WTF? A tent city in the Biggest Little City? If we’re the greatest country in the world, how the fuck come we’ve got homeless people livin’ in tents? We wonder…would JZeus rather spend a billion dollars a month bombin’ brown-skinded brothers or helping the homeless?


Four arrests in one weekend. Looks like the Wolf Pack football team is in mid-season form already.


We don’t quite get WTF is up with all this Sex and the City hype. We’ve read everything we could about the hoopla surrounding the new flick. The motherhubbard should be re-titled Clothes and the City” ‘cause we couldn’t find sex anywhere. What a ripoff.


Speakin’ ‘bout SatC…if you spend $400 on a pair of shoes or $500 for a purse or $1,000 for a dress…you’ve got some really messed up priorities.


The First Lady is accusing the Governor of having a girlfriend and he’s denying it. Now, we know what you’re thinkin’, “Is there really a heterosexual republican politician out there?” Yo Gov., just cop to the fact that you’re puttin’ tab “A” into slot “B” and let’s move on. We wanna get to the juicy stuff.


We didn’t know this, but here in the 775 you can get a citation for “failing to carry out your duties as a parent.” WTF is up with that? Is there a list of parental duties somewhere? Are we gonna cite parents of obese kids for letting poor Suzie and Bobby eat at Mickey-D's? Are we gonna cite parents who let their kids listen to gangsta rap? Can you say “overkill”?


And lastly today…wildfires in the 775 are getting bigger and more dangerous. No. Duh. Wanna know why? ‘cause more and more people are building their houses in the middle of the forest. When a fire hits, we all drop trow and stamp the motherhubbard out. That leaves more schizzle to burn the next time ‘round. Forest fires are nature’s way of thinning things out. When we interfere, things get worse. Question: Who put out Tahoe forest fires back in the days of Ben, Hoss and little Joe? Answer: No one. And it all worked out fine for them.

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Truth and Consequences

We spent a lot of years learning our craft over at the DRSo’J. We were tutled by such luminaries as Big Jake, Rude Boy and the Bourne Supremacy. So, when we read yesterday’s Your Turn in the RGJ, we just had to add our two bits.


Dean Ceppos got one thing right when he said he couldn’t pound ethics into his students. Duh. Anyone who’s been a parent (or a teen for that matter) knows how futile it is trying to pound something into someone. Doesn’t work. Never did. Besides, if a student doesn’t have ethics by the time they’ve reached college it’s too late.


But we wanna talk about the two things Dean Ceppos didn’t mention that every J-student should know.


First of all, in RL, ethics don’t mean shit. Newspapers, magazines, radio and television stations aren’t run by journalists, they’re run by bean counters. To them, it’s not about quality or accuracy or integrity, it’s all about the bottom line.


Cost ‘em a penny by writing a story ‘bout their best client and you’ll be canned so fast the door won’t have time to hit you in the badunkadunk. Cost ‘em a penny more than a snot-nosed rookie fresh out of Underoos and yer’ replaced quicker than you can say, “Do you want fries with that?”


To the bean counters you aren’t a journalist, you’re a body sucking up benefits and salary and ethics be damned if they come between you and them making their budget.


Secondly, if you have to sign a pledge stating you’ll behave in an ethical manner, you’re kidding yourself. Think the people with no ethics are gonna sign the pledge anyway? Yup. Ethics are in your heart, they’re in your soul and no piece of paper is gonna change that.


What really chaps our ass though, is the line in the pledge that says, “…"As a graduate of the Reynolds School of Journalism, I will uphold and apply the highest standards of integrity and ethics. This includes helping others by minimizing harm and showing compassion.” Hogwash. You’ve got one job future journos – that job is to find the truth. You’ve got no dog in the fight for who gets hurt. Hell…haven’t you heard? The truth fuckin’ hurts! That’s the way it is. That’s the way it’s always been. As for compassion, leave that to the psychics, the talk show hosts and the Red Cross.


Think showing the coffins of soldiers returning from Iraq hurts the pResident’s approval rating? Yes. Think pointing out the futility of the “War on Globally Extreme Jihadists” hurts the morale of the troops? Damn straight. Think reporting about the abuses of government cheese pisses off the little people? Hell yeah. But your job isn’t to worry about who gets hurt by the truth. Your job is to report the truth. There’s nothing more ethical than that.

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Mister Christian

Damn. We haven’t bagged on religious hypocrisy in about twenty minutes. Well, it’s a new day peoples!

First of all, full disclosure: EVERY TIME YOU TURN ON YOUR TELEVISION, WE HERE AT PTB MAKE ONE MILLION DOLLARS.


Last week the pResident-in-Chief spoke at a gathering of religious broadcasters. You know the rat-bastards…Pat Robertson...Jimmy Swaggart…James Dobson…Jim Bakker…all “theocons” who swear you’re goin’ to hell ‘cause yer sinnin’ while they’re five finger discountin’ the collection plate, bangin’ their secretaries or their altar boys and pimpin’ out their rides.


What really bunched our knickers though was when chimp-dick started talking about staying the course in Iraq, widening our role in Afghanistan and basically keeping us at war for the next couple of decades…or centuries. And the crowd CHEERED! Yup. They were hootin’ and a hollerin’ like it was homecoming or Mackay Week or something.


Whatever happened to “Turn the other cheek.”? Whatever happened to “Love thy neighbor.”? Whatever happened to “Thou shalt NOT kill.”? Meanwhile, seventy-eight blasted to bits today. Forty blown to smithereens yesterday and it goes on and on and there’s no end in sight. And the National Religious Broadcasters Convention stood and acted like it was an encore at a Cher concert! The only solace we have in this whole mess is Matthew 6:1-6:

"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven…
…And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men.”

Open question to the NRB: Have ANY of you motherhubbards ever even read the Bible? You’d say “yes” but your actions say “no.”

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Sunshine on My Shoulder

We know that here in the 775 two-thirds of all jobs are rollin’ between 2pm and 8am. That’s what you get livin’ and workin’ in a 24/7 economy. But for the lucky few who do the 9-5, it's the weekend you’ve been waiting for...turn back the hands of time!


We give Chimp-Dick lots of well-deserved crap but on this one he hit it right on the button. Daylight Savings Time ROCKS!!! Thank you PGB!


Yeah, we hear complaints from the blue hairs with their blue plates about the blinking clock on their microwave, losing a whole hour of sleep and having to reset the clock on their VCR's but it’s a small price to pay for extra daylight.




With that in mind...a haiku:



Daylight Savings Time

Get off work with time to play.

The sun is shining.



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Bye Bye Bush-Wipe

While most of the nation is suffering from electile dysfunction, we here at PTB are sportin’ large woodies. Know anyone else who has primary parties? Debate dates? State-of-the-Union soireees? Probably not. But this year’s SOTU address got us pumped.


Last one EVER for WPE. YEEEEEE HAWWWWWW!!! It’s been seven years but it feels like friggin forever!


Monday, we did our annual SOTU experiment where we put a lump of coal up pj’s butt to see if he’d turned it into a diamond by the end of the speech. Sure enough…seven years WPE has opened his lie-hole to the nation and we’ve gotten ourselves a genuine booty-diamond every single time!


We watch the SOTU address as religiously as some people watch the Super Bowl. This year pResident Bush didn’t disappoint. We got fifty-three minutes of hogwash, bullshit, distortions, excuses, kiss-ups, and outright lies. The smirking little prick had all of us here at PTB whooping and hollering, cursing and yelling and throwing things at the television. When it was over, broken shot glasses littered the floor. Crushed beer cans, an empty bottle of tequila, cold pizza and an assortment of stale chips littered mom & dad’s basement to the point it looked like a Baghdad bomb site.


We won’t go over the minutiae with you, but there were some interesting tidbits we’d like to share about the SOTU address…


Nancy Pelosi is one smokin’ hot GILF.


Notice how Dick only gave standing ovations when the subject was war?


Do Supreme Court Justices wear their robes in the shower? During sex?


WPE said that, “Patients and doctors should make their own medical decisions…not the government.” If that’s the case, how come Montel can’t use medicinal marijuana and how come the right-wing is against a woman’s right to choose? Just asking.


Referring to abortions WPE said, “All life should be treated with dignity.” Notice how fetuses have rights but the minute you pop out as a human being, you’re nothing. What about dignity for our senior citizens? Dignity for poor people? What about the lives of Afghan and Iraqi civilians? And most importantly, what about the lives of American troops? Now you know why we throw things at the television.


And lastly…WPE threatened the leadership of Iran by saying, “Iran’s government oppresses a good people.” Now we know it’s hard for the pResident to wrap his tiny brain pan around right and wrong but if Iran is bad for oppressing her people…WTF is up with our bestest buddies in Saudi Arabia, Vietnam and China? Oh, right. They may be bastards, but they’re OUR bastards. Good thing the biggest bastard of ‘em all is on his way out. Sayonara sucker!

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SPANK!

With the ‘Bamer layin’ a beatdown in the Palmetto State…ya gotta give props. Who’d ever thought a brown-skinded brother could win in the 864?

As they say…a change is gonna come.

Who wants to bet money that chimp-dick spouts the same old broken record of tired rhetoric out of his lie-hole tonight in the SOU…anyone?

Karl? (8.-)

War is Hell...Just Ask A Veteran

“War…” a man once asked rhetorically.

“What is it good for?”

“Absolutely nothing.” he said, correctly answering his own question.

2,333 souls perished and 1,139 were wounded at Pearl Harbor 66 years ago, sparking America's entrance into WWII.


Today, the Japanese and the Germans and the Italians are some of our closest, bestest friends in the whole wide-world!


Let us all hope it won't take 66 years to win the hearts and minds of our Muslim brothers and sisters.


Chimp Dick likes to say that he's a "War President." We take that to mean he's a "President that's good for NOTHING!"


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