Random Acts of WTF's

We’ve got a state bird, a state fossil and a state flower…now fourth graders from around the NV are gonna get the chance to pick the state insect. Well, we’re gonna save the little shavers time and gray matter. Nevada’s state insect should be the Mormon Cricket. When the MC’s hatch, the ugly rat-bastards are everywhere. Any other insect just wouldn’t do us justice.





Governor Jim Gibbons cut academic funding for higher education by fifty percent while college athletics got a three percent raise. Someone tell GJG that we want him to take a pee test. Seriously, WTF is he smoking? In the last three years the football team is 21-18 overall, 0-3 in bowl games, 0-3 against Boise St., 0-3 against Hawaii, 1-2 against Fresno St. and 1-5 against BCS teams. Two years ago, the basketball team lost in the first round of the NCAA Tournament to friggin’ MONTANA. Last year, the Pack didn’t make the NCAA, the NIT or any other post-season tournament. The baseball team hasn’t sniffed the post-season in a long time and no other sport on campus even gets a blip of publicity. Those are statistics for giving MORE money to athletics? Those should be the statistics that have Athletic Director Cary Groth working at the drive-thru.





And finally…State Senator Bob Coffin has suggested we look into legalizing prostitution throughout the Silver State. Longtime readers of PTB know we’ve been calling for legalizing ‘tutes since the beginning. If an 18-year-old male can sell his body to the NBA or MLB or the NFL…why shouldn’t an 18-year-old female be able to sell her body to the Moonlite Bunny Ranch's Vegas facility? And don’t start with all that biblical, moral majority, holier-than-thou bullshit. There were enough whores in the bible to float a battleship. Didn’t seem to matter much back then…why should it matter now?




BTW…State Senator Bob Coffin has one of the coolest names in the Nevada State Legislature. He probably gets a lot of shit around Halloween though. Yay, Senator Bob!



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Imagine There's No Heaven

It’s interesting to see Reno’s D-league hoops team promising us the “NBA Experience.” Guess that means we’ll get overpriced tickets, overpriced food and underperforming dawdlers lagging up and down the court. Heck, throw in a primadonna teammate or two, opponents no one cares about and a losing record and you’ll experience the NBA the same way 90% of the league does.



We can’t stress this enough. School uniforms. Worst. Idea. Ever. State Senator Bob Coffin is proposing that all public school students in the NV wear uniforms. Yo Coff…if all the little chillens are wearing the same thing, how are the PoPo gonna know who the gangbangers are?



On this day in history in 1859, Charles Darwin published On the Origin of Species. JZeus has been spinning in his grave ever since.



In today’s dead tree edition of the RGJ, Janice Ayres says that Nevada shouldn’t use its Tobacco Settlement Funds to bail out the state budget. She’s right. That money was specifically given to states so they could educate and treat people addicted to nicotine. Problem is, we’re already using those dollars to give Nevada high schoolers the Millennium Scholarship. Remember, if people quit smoking, the state will lose out on lots of tax money. So keep on puffin’ those stogies!



Looks like Citigroup is gonna get more government-sponsored welfare. Goddamned corporate socialists. Let’s get this straight. Citigroup wants billions of taxpayer dollars so that that they can loan it to people who don’t need it so those people can buy more crap that they don’t need and can’t afford. Are we missing something here?



Finally today…the Beatles. You remember them. They’re the drug-addled, hippy, rock-n-roll freaks who glorified drugs, Charles Manson and some brotherhubbard named Rocky Raccoon. Back in the day, John Lennon even went so far as to say the Beatles were bigger than JZeus. Oops! That sure put the band on the religious right’s shit list. Well, time heals all wounds, or maybe time wounds all heels. ANYWAY…now the Vatican is saying that the Beatles’ music was some of the most creative stuff ever written and their songs are classic compared to today’s tunes and that they forgive the band. Yeah right. Ever heard Octopuses Garden? It’s the story of man/mermaid love. And that’s a whole lot worse than gay marriage! No worries though, next to Kittie, NWA and GWAR, the mop tops from Liverpool look like friggin’ choirboys.




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Page 3A

There are a few reasons we stay subscribed to the RGJ’s dead tree edition but this has got to be the best…



Yesterday, we got three pages into the first section when…BAM!...the trippy news hit us smack dab in between the eyes…





The guy that got paid to fly GJG around got demoted. Why? He flew the Gov. from Carson City to ‘Vegas on low fuel and let his 14-year-old son fly the plane. YIKES! We think the demotion is unwarranted. Why? First of all, the pilot wouldn’t have boarded the plane if he thought there wasn’t enough gas to get down to the 702…so that point is moot. Secondly, here at PTB we’re all for dads getting their sons involved in their careers. That’s how we learned to counterfeit money and then how to make license plates. If dad the pilot thought little Jimmy was on it enough to get behind the wheel, that’d be fine with us. After all, how many 14-year-olds lied about their age and joined up in WWII? Lots. And they kicked ass!





Judge Elizabeth Halverson is now ex-judge Halverson. The NV Commission on Judicial Discipline axed her from the bench and barred her from holding a judgeship ever again citing a “…dismal professional history.” Question: Here’s a picture of Her Honor…did removing her from the bench happen to involve a crane? We don’t usually like to rag on people’s appearance but JZeus-firggin’-Christola…that woman’s ass is so big it has its own gravitational field!





One of our old bosses, Jim Rogers, wants a federal grant of $3 billion to get the state’s universities through the current budget hoo-haw. Funny…no one wants higher taxes or government bailouts…unless it’ll help them directly. Wasn’t socialism bandied about during the presidential campaign as a “dirty” word? Yup.





And finally…some political chowderhead from down in the 702 wants all public school kids in the Silver State to wear uniforms. Senator Bob Coffin says that discipline is a problem in the schools and that kids “flaunt their appearance as a sign of disobedience.” No duh gramps. Hey Senator Bob…kids have always cheezed-off their elders with their clothing choices. It’s been that way since kids started wearing clothes way back in the Stone Age. If you think kids are showing you signs of disobedience with their choice of outfits…you should see how they show their disobedience with their hands!




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