Fistianity

Here at PTB, I’ve never had a problem pointing out Christian hypocrisy. As a matter-of-fact, it’s one of my favorite pastimes. But I’ve gotta be honest, with chucklenuts out there like Pat Robertson and David Vitter and Nevada’s own John “Able Semen” Ensign, it’s kinda like shooting fish in a barrel…with a bazooka. ANYWAY…

I came across an article the other day that said some Evangelical Christians, thinkin’ that their churches have become too “feminized”, are turning to a unique way of getting the younger generation (especially men) back into their flocks. How? They’re pullin’ a Don King and they’re promoting MMA-style fighting! HAW! The goal, “is to inject some machismo into their ministries — and into the image of JZeus — in the hope of making Christianity more appealing.”

One of the big-time backers of the idea is Ryan Dobson. You know him as the son of James Dobson, founder of “Focus on the Family." Y’all remember FoF dontcha? FOF is the homophobic, xenophobic, fearmongering, cracker-assed-crackers behind politicians like Mike Huckabee and Caribou Barbie and behind the “We need a Constitutional Amendment to protect marriage” bullshit. Think of ‘em as Bible-totin’ teabaggers. What gets me about this is that, IMHO, fighting is the last thing Christians should do, right?

So, I referred to the Christian part of my Bible (the New Testament) and wondered what JZeus might say about this shit.

Matthew 5:38…”Turn the other cheek.”

Luke 6:27…”Treat others as you would have them treat you.”

Mark 14:43…”All who take the sword die by the sword.”

So here’s the crux of today’s biscuit…Evangelical Christians in America today are about as Christ-like as a bag of doorknobs. They wouldn’t know the teachings of Christ if they bit ‘em on their collective asses. No, the SOG wouldn’t have endorsed MMA-style fighting to attract younger men Catholic priests? That’s a whole different story. I’ll bet that right now, JZeus is spinning in His grave but I'll bet it makes the Westboro Baptist Church proud as punch. Pun intended.

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Pat That Ass

Poor fuckin’ Haiti. SHEESH. Talk about gettin’ kicked when you’re down. YOW! A couple of things are bothering me about this situation…

Did you know that when you make a Haiti relief donation with your credit card that American Express, Visa and Master card are gonna take three percent right off the top as a “transaction fee?” Aye caramba! A computer makes the money transfer automatically and these ass-wipes charge three percent. They’re gonna make millions off of this natural disaster. Those bourgie rat-bastard moneychangers have a special place in Hell waiting for ‘em. True dat.

Speaking of special places in Hell….Pat Robertson is in the news again. Now y’all might be sayin’ to yourselves, “Pat Robertson isn’t takin’ a dirt nap yet?” Nope. Robertson, yappin’ on his T.V. show, said that Haiti got popped by God because they’d made a deal with the Devil. WTF is up with that?

Question #1: Let’s say Pat Robertson is right (HAW!)…If Haiti made a deal with the Devil, why didn’t Beelzebub hold up His end of the bargain? If Robertson is right (another HAW!) how come the Invisible Man in the Sky didn’t pull a Sodom and Gomorah on ‘em?

And question #2: If Robertson is wrong (yeah…IF)…why aren’t all the REAL Christians in the world calling for his head on a platter? Robertson seems to open his lie-hole every time something bad happens and the only thing that comes out is hateful, bullshit. Hey Christians…your leader is flappin’ his yap again and makin’ y’all look like racist, xenophobic, hate-mongers. Problem is…y’all (or most of y’all, anyway) ARE hate-filled, petty and racist. You’re all just too blind to see it. Now you can imagine why Christians were burned at the stake and fed to the lions…y’all deserve it. Well, at least Pat Robertson does. Jzeus mush be spinning in His grave.

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Mister Christian

Damn. We haven’t bagged on religious hypocrisy in about twenty minutes. Well, it’s a new day peoples!

First of all, full disclosure: EVERY TIME YOU TURN ON YOUR TELEVISION, WE HERE AT PTB MAKE ONE MILLION DOLLARS.


Last week the pResident-in-Chief spoke at a gathering of religious broadcasters. You know the rat-bastards…Pat Robertson...Jimmy Swaggart…James Dobson…Jim Bakker…all “theocons” who swear you’re goin’ to hell ‘cause yer sinnin’ while they’re five finger discountin’ the collection plate, bangin’ their secretaries or their altar boys and pimpin’ out their rides.


What really bunched our knickers though was when chimp-dick started talking about staying the course in Iraq, widening our role in Afghanistan and basically keeping us at war for the next couple of decades…or centuries. And the crowd CHEERED! Yup. They were hootin’ and a hollerin’ like it was homecoming or Mackay Week or something.


Whatever happened to “Turn the other cheek.”? Whatever happened to “Love thy neighbor.”? Whatever happened to “Thou shalt NOT kill.”? Meanwhile, seventy-eight blasted to bits today. Forty blown to smithereens yesterday and it goes on and on and there’s no end in sight. And the National Religious Broadcasters Convention stood and acted like it was an encore at a Cher concert! The only solace we have in this whole mess is Matthew 6:1-6:

"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven…
…And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men.”

Open question to the NRB: Have ANY of you motherhubbards ever even read the Bible? You’d say “yes” but your actions say “no.”

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