Envy the Country That Has Heroes...Pity the Country That Needs 'Em

With the the 'Bamer takin' office this week, we figured we'd give y'all a weekend video full of hope and a little gray matter. We're gonna need it.


(8.-)

Signs of the Times

There are two definite drawbacks to blogging and living in our 'rent’s basement.


The first is, no matter how hard you try, it’s impossible to get laid. Think about it. When most women find out where we live, they take off faster than Usain Bolt. Besides, a woman who’d wanna do the horizontal mambo in our parent’s basement probably isn’t the type of girl we’d wanna get down with in the first place. That’s a tough thing to say considering we have pretty low standards.


The second and worst drawback is the money, or lack thereof. Do you know how much scratch the average blogger makes? Bupkis. Here at PTB we’ve long known we’d spend our lives at the bottom of the economic ladder. We’ve even got a saying, “If it’s free it’s for PTB. If it costs money, later honey.” And that’s what has our Underoos in a bunch today.


We all know that Senator McSame is so rich he doesn’t even know how many houses he has. The ‘Bamer? He made four million dollars last year. That’s not chicken feed. So why is it that both candidates now charge money for yard signs? SHEESH! You’d think the brothers would be able to part with a couple of pieces of cardboard, gratis. After all, the 775 is where the next president will be decided. Nope.


We always thought politicians took your money AFTER they got elected. Not anymore. So now we have to fall back to plan “B.” We’re gonna go swipe a sign from some bourgie motherhubbard’s yard. They can afford it. We can’t.


(8.-)

Black Eyed Appeasers

A couple of weeks ago the pResident stood in front of the Knesset (Israel’s parliament) and invoked the name of Adolph Hitler and visions of the Holocaust. He was comparing people who talk to the bad guys with British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain by calling them “appeasers.” Well…looky what we have here…a nuke deal with North Korea. You remember North Korea, don’t you? Charter member of the Axis of Evil. BSC President who was spouting crap about starting WWIII. Well, we went right ahead and appeased them. SHEESH!

We don’t get this…when the ‘Bamer says he’ll talk to Iranian, North Korean and Cuban leaders, he’s called naive. He’s called an appeaser. He’s called a pantywaste. But when Bush-Wipe and his ilk talk to the bad guys, then cut a deal with ‘em…they call that diplomacy. We call it by another name. Hypocrisy.

(8.-)

Freeballin' Friday

Since tomorrow is Flag Day, it got us to thinkin’…if you make flag burning illegal, how then are you gonna get rid of old flags?

Speakin’ of flags…according to this website, it is NOT illegal to fly the flag of another country instead of the American flag. So to the fascist redneck who cut down the brother’s Mexican flag last year…you’re not a patriot, you’re an ass so STFU!


John McCain was a Marine. The U.S. Marine Corps creed is that “No one gets left behind.” Funny…he kicked his first wife to the curb ‘cause she got majorly messed up…way to show your loyalty bub.


The SCOTUS ruled yesterday that prisoners in Gitmo have the same rights as American citizens. The tiughty-righties are blowing a gasket. We got one thing to say to all y’all right-wing nutjobs…ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL. True dat.


Chimp-dick has taken the oath of office twice and been in this gig for more than seven years. You’d think he’d know what his job description is. Nope. Yesterday the pResident regurgitated the tired old line that his job is to “protect the American people”. Wrong Bush-wipe. We don’t need your sorry ass protecting us. No, your job is to uphold the Constitution. So far, you’ve done piss-poor work.


Ron Paul ended his run for the presidency yesterday. Too bad. He’s the only real “change” candidate in the field. The American political landscape is a little less bright without Dr. Paul.


When Barack and Michelle Obama fist-bumped a couple of days ago, we said to ourselves “That’s never been done in American presidential politics.” The tighty-righties are calling it the “terrorist fist jab”. We were wrong, it has happened before. But no one'll call that one a terrorist fist bump.

Back here in the 775…a county employee is accused of stealing 2.2 MILLION dollars from the water department. They say he has a gambling problem. That is a crappy excuse. Gambling didn’t make you a thief. Gambling didn’t turn you into a liar and a cheat. You did all that on your own.


One more note on the H2OMG…most people can’t get out of work with a pilfered pen. WTF was management doing that they didn’t see 2.2 MILLION dollars missing? It’s not like the dude could walk out with it in his pants.


And finally…the University of Nevada lost a stud yesterday when Matt LaGrone transferred to Oregon State to play football. LaGrone says he was promised that he could play both football and basketball for the Wolf Pack after his sophomore year. Guess not. Coach Fox and A.D. Groth said he couldn’t. We ask…Why not? C’mon…if the kid is good enough to play…let him. Oh well. Can anyone remember a span of time in Wolf Pack athletic history that had so many firings, transfers, suspensions and generally bad behavior? From what we’re told, the morale up on the hill is in the drink. So too, it seems, may be Nevada athletics. We shall soon see.

(8.-)

The Dan Quayle Defense

On the 45th anniversary of Bobby K getting BobbyK’d we look to the future of another young, handsome, charismatic leader.

Here in the USofA ‘08…there are millions of crackers out there whose worst nightmare is about to happen…President Barack Hussein Obama. YEEE HAWWWW! If you read us here at PTB on a regular basis, you know we called the Dem race for the ‘Bamer long ago (there’s still time for Ron Paul) and now that he’s made it, the talk turns toward his running mate.

Now, a lot of people are pushing Hillary Clinton for the number two slot and we think it’s a good idea. Why? Well, there are a lot of right-wing jihadists out there who are skidmarking their dungarees ‘cause a brown-skinded brother is gonna be President. So, if the ‘Bamer picks Whitey to be V.P., you’d better believe those BSC motherhubbards would JFK him in a New York minute.

But the thing that scares the bejeezus out of righty-whitey is Hillary and Bill Clinton back in the White House. Think about it…if Hill Bill Vol.2 is a heartbeat away from the presidency, the LAST thing the bad guys would want is for something to happen to the ‘Bamer. Heck-fire…if Hillary was the V.P., the Klan would probably volunteer to help the Secret Srervice keep the Prez safe. So c’mon BO…think of what’s best for you and the country…pick Hillary. Best. VP. Ever.

@:

:@

Say What?

Yesterday Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice stepped up the right-wing jihad against Iran by calling any dialogue with its leaders pointless. Typical Bush-Wipe…shoot first, think later. It was a swipe at Barack Obama’s position of talking to the leaders of such nations. The day before, Senator Skeevy McAncient said the ‘Bamer’s willingness to be diplomatic with the Iranians was, “misguided and insufficient.” Now do you see why the republicans are gonna get creamed in November? They think diplomacy is for wimps and war is the way of the world.

Well, we did a little bit o’ the research and came up with three historical arguments that support givin' peace a chance...

"The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting."- Sun Tzu
Now we’ve never learned to speak Chinese, so we’ll have to rely on the translation. But Sun Tzu had a point there. If you can kill ‘em with kindness, no need to kill ‘em with bullets.

“Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?”- Abraham Lincoln
We never met Honest Abe but he’s on the money with that one. It happens on playgrounds all over the USofA. Two little kids who don’t like each other start talking, find out they like what all other little kids like and end up being friends.

"Listen to your enemy, for God is talking."- Jewish proverb
Y’all know our position on the Invisible Man in the Sky but this Jewish proverb got us thinkin’. Doesn’t your God’s book say things like “Love thy neighbor, turn the other cheek, and whatever you do to the lowest of creatures, you do unto me? Well then, why don't you practice what your Good Book preaches?

Talking to Iran or Syria or North Korea isn’t gonna hurt anything. What it MIGHT do is save American lives. Isn’t that the goal?

(8.-)

The Empire Strikes Barack

This is a perfect example of why we love us some election year vids. This bad boy rolls five minutes. Sure beats most of the things you could do for five minutes...most of the things.

(8.-)

Friends, Family and Fools

We just wanna hit one more point about Reverend Jeremiah Wright and then we'll let you get on with your weekend.


The ‘Bamer is getting pressure to renounce, denounce and bounce RJW because of the Rev’s controversial views. But here’s our thought…doesn’t EVERYONE have a crazy friend or relative who spouts weird stuff? We sure do.


Our pResident says the economy is only going through a bumpy time. Isn’t that one of the craziest things you’ve ever heard?


We’ve got a Senator who doesn’t believe in evolution but believes in intelligent design! WTF is HE thinkin’? Darwin and scientists for the last hundred years are wrong and the Invisible Man in the Sky is the seven-day-creator of everything. That sure sounds a lot crazier than anything RJW ever said.


Hell, we’ve even got folks in our bloodline who think Elvis is still alive, that aliens exist and that the NFL conspired to have the New England Patriots win the Super Bowl (y’all see how THAT turned out).



We’re just sayin’ we all have people in our lives who say (and do) stupid things…we say some pretty stupid things ourselves. But in America, saying stupid things isn’t a crime. Blowing the whole thing out of proportion isn’t either…but it should be.


(8.-)

The Wright Stuff

Today we’re gonna talk a little bit about Reverend Jeremiah Wright. We’ve been seeing, reading and hearing a lot of people trash him but we haven’t seen, read or heard anyone defend him. Well, we’re here to tell you…we’re gonna jump on the other side of that fence and throw a few fluff bombs of our own at Reverend Wright’s critics.







First things first – Jeremiah Wright is an American patriot. He served in the Navy AND the Marines. So, all the blowhards calling RJW a traitor can shove it up their asses. He has EARNED the right to say any damned thing he likes about the good ole’ USofA. And unless you were in both the Navy and the Marines…STFU!







When RJW gave his now infamous “God DAMN America” sermon it sure shook up whitey. But the quote was taken out of context. RJW wasn’t damning America or Americans…he was damning the United States Government. Big difference. Now, we’re not sure about his AIDS comments. After all…with what the government-cheese did to black soldiers at Tuskegee…we don’t put it past the rat-bastards to do that type of stuff today. The only question we have is why aren’t Black Americans more pissed off than they are?







Hell, last week a brown-skinded brother was found innocent of a crime through DNA testing. The dude spent TWENTY-SEVEN years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit. SHEESH! Hundreds of brothers have been released from prison under the exact same circumstances. The disproportionate number of black and brown and tan people in prison sure makes it look like the crackers are out to get ‘em.







Blacks had to wait almost a hundred years after the Civil War to play the American pastime! Hell, it took ‘till 1979 (and threats from the government) for blacks to be able to preach in the Mormon religion. WTF is up with that? On the outside looking in, we’ve gotta tell you…being a person of color in America today must really suck!







But the real point we wanna make today is about RJW’s 9/11 comment. You know…the one that said America’s foreign policy is what brought the terrorist attack? Hate to break it to all the redneck pink-asses out there but he’s right on the money. And if you don’t believe it, you’re as dumb as Chimp-Dick.







According to that BSC OBL, America’s presence in the Middle East (in particular the military presence in Saudi Arabia) was indeed the reason he plotted, then carried out, the 9/11 attacks. Muslims don’t hate America for our freedoms…they don’t hate us because of our decadent ways…they don’t even hate us for American Idol. No, the Muslims that DO hate us hate us ‘cause we’ve got soldiers in their holiest of holy places – Mecca. There’s nothing that pisses ‘em off more than our military marking territory where Muslims pray. And as long as we have a military presence in the Middle East, we’re all targets. Just because politicians say we have to fight ‘em over there so they don’t come here doesn’t make it true. As long as we’re over there…they’re on the way here. Reverend Wright hit the nose on the head…and we’re all too stupid to see it.








(8.-)

Cut Me Pauly!

There's a Reason Its the FIRST Amendment

It seems like the land of the free and the home of the brave is neither nowadays. We’re talking about the recent resignations of Geraldine “Black isn't Beautiful” Ferraro and Samantha “Monster” Power.



See, back in the day, the Soviets and the Nazis used to throw people in the gulag for opening their pie holes. China…same thing. Afghanistan, a country we’re fighting to give democracy and our bestest friends in the M.E., the Kingdom of Saud…KILL people for things they say.



That’s why we love the USofA. Our free speech is a Constitutional right. You can say anything you want and not have to fear the Reaper. “Fire” in a crowded theatre? No Problem. “Theatre” in a crowded firehouse? Yummy! It’s called Freedom. Of. Speech. That is, until recently.



It seems we’ve become so P.C. that saying something deemed “offensive” gets people’s knickers in a twist. Is Hillary a monster? Probably not. Is BoB where he is today ‘cause he’s a brown-skinded brother? Nope. But should someone get perp-walked to the door for saying such things? No.



We don’t necessarily agree with what everyone says but we’ll defend to the DEATH their right to say it. They’re just words. Remember, “Sticks and stones...”

(8.-)

Wet Security Blanket

Here in the USofA ought 8, there are millions of redneck, BSC cracker barrels out there whose worst nightmare is about to come true… President Barack Hussein Obama. YEEE HAWWWW!!!!


Last week the Old Gray Lady posited about BOb’s safety and wondered if he’d get BobbyK’d or Oswalded. It’s something we’ve talked about before here at PTB. No matter how good security is, some wack-job could put an end to it all. But we have the answer.


All BOb has to do is pick Hillary as his V.P. and he’s in the clear. Why? The one thing that scares the bad guys more than a brown-skinded brother with his finger on the button is Mrs. Bill Clinton a heartbeat away from takin’ over. If Hil was second in command, everyone to the right of Ted Kennedy would make damn sure that BOb took his vitamins, exercised regularly and stayed in peak physical form. The right might not like BOb…but anything is better to them than Hill Bill Vol 2.


Best. Vice President. Ever.


(8.-)

The Devil Wears Prada

The pic circulating around Cyberia shows the ‘Bamer sporting traditional Somali attire. N/p here…that’s what you’re supposed to do when you travel abroad.


Go to Hawaii…wear a gaudy flowered shirt. Goin’ to Saudi Arabia? Better get out the robes. Heck, we still have chafe marks from the lederhosen we wore on our trip to Bavaria.


No…what a person wears has no bearing on what a person is.


Voters getting their panties in a bunch or changing their minds because a candidate was wearing the latest OBL line need to reevaluate their priorities, grab a clue and stop being such pussies.


BTW...wearing traditional Somali dress makes you look an awful lot like a disaster response drill dummy.



(8.-)

Change You Can Xerox

(8.-)


Hillary said it tonight...it's not like we haven't been sayin' it all along...

Obama-gasm

Last night Barack Obama swept the Chesapeake primaries like a washerwoman on a dirty kitchen floor. It was a spankin' of epic proportions. Watching the 'Bamer give his victory speech gave us chills. In front of 18,000 screamin' Badgers BoB showed us all his ideas of positive possibilities.


After seven years of chimp-dick lippin' things like "Stay the course", "You're either with us or against us" and "Nukyuler" it was refreshing to hear someone tell it like it is rather than someone spewin’ what they think we want to hear.


On the other side JMac was plain creepy. Addressing a crowd numbering less than GWB's I.Q., in a room smaller than a bathroom stall in the Minneapolis airport, surrounded by fossilized crackers, he stumbled along like he was a naked eighth grader giving a presentation to the entire school. At one point, Mr. “1,000 Years War” said, “There is no greater threat, no bigger obstacle than the patriotism of the American public. The lady standing behind him heard that and looked as if she’d swallowed a bug. Priceless. Yo JMac…get a new speechwriter and actually look over the stuff before you open yer spew-hole.


After hearin’ the ‘Bamer orate the chrome off a trailer hitch and McCain using the same talking points as every other Bush-Wipe…PTB scratched in our little notebook: Game. Over.


(8.-)

Be Careful What You Wish For

Well folks, its Super Duper Monster Tuesday and you know what that means...thousands upon thousands of clueless sheep trot down to the polls to vote for the candidate that some bobblehead on the tube told them to vote for.


N/p though...nothing matters as long as you vote. If you don't vote...may we suggest you move in with some of our closest allies like Saudi Arabia, the UAE or Kuwait. No one is allowed to vote there. See how you like it then.


A couple of quick Q's:


Will Hillary's voice hurt her like Nixon's 5 O'clock shadow hurt him?


If JMack wins it all...will the vampire that is Ann Coulter really campaign for Hil?


Will the 'Bamer get BobbyK'd tonight in Cali?


Can the Huckster get enough of his God peeps out to vote for him?



Will the mainstream media keep giving Ron Paul the "Rudy in the Booty", even if he continues to pull voters?


Lastly...here's a fun drinking game for all y'all civics geeks out there. You know you're one of us if your Super Tuesday party tonight is bigger than the one you had on Super Sunday. ANYWAY...whip out your 'shine and pour a shot. Every time you hear one of the following words or phrases you gotta take a shot:


Change, Super Delegates, Bill Clinton, Christian Conservatives, The Surge Is Working, Iraq, Recession, Economy, Too Close To Call, Voter Turnout Was Light, Voter Turnout Was Heavy...


It's a partial list so feel free to add your own.


Last one standing wins. Tomorrow...back to the problems at hand.


(8.-)

Say It Ain't So "O"

The Kennedy patriarch sold his soul to the Devil so his progeny could become the new American royalty. We all know how THAT turned out.


Joe died in WWII…


JFK got Ozwalded (as far as you know)…


Bobby K got BobbyK’d...


Teddy proved to us all why he’ll never win a NASCAR race...


and JFK2 showed us all that he couldn’t fly as well as Mohammed Atta.


Those are just the famous examples…there are lots more.


That’s what is so disturbing about Ted Kennedy’s endorsement of the ‘Bamer…


If ANYTHING is gonna derail BO’s White House run…it’s the noonan that comes with being associated with the Kennedys. It’s scary. But we here at PTB have a solution to the problem…


One thing the pink-assed right-wing cracker rednecks hate more than brown-skinded brothers is Hillary Clinton. If the ‘Bamer makes Hil his running mate, no one would ever touch him knowing full-well that if the ‘Bamer gets capped, their worst nightmare becomes Commander-in-Chief.


Simple but effective.


(8.-)

SPANK!

With the ‘Bamer layin’ a beatdown in the Palmetto State…ya gotta give props. Who’d ever thought a brown-skinded brother could win in the 864?

As they say…a change is gonna come.

Who wants to bet money that chimp-dick spouts the same old broken record of tired rhetoric out of his lie-hole tonight in the SOU…anyone?

Karl? (8.-)

Putting the "Us" Back In Caucus

We'll admit it...we're civics geeks. While all the other kids were out riding their Big Wheels or stuck like Velcro to the couch, watching reruns of Gilligan’s Island…we were in our bedroom hand-painting Ross Perot campaign signs. So, tomorrow is the Nevada caucus and we're stoked! That being said…here is our short take on the relevant candidates. One quick note…ANYONE will be better than WPE.




Hillary Clinton – Who’ll SHE bang in the Lincoln Bedroom? America’s version of Maggie Thatcher. If she were a man, they’d call her tough. She’s a woman so they call her a bitch. No double standard there.




John Edwards – Corporate lawyer sleezeball turned anti-corporate zealot – EazyE sleeps with the fishes…or the dogs. Could win due to his metrosexuality and his smooth southern twang. Americans vote with their little heads…not their big ones.




Barack Obama – If he doesn’t get BobbyK’d, he’ll certainly get an Oswald. But there’s nothing that scares the bejeezus out of the establishment more than a brown-skinded brother. The change candidate is gonna get short-changed ‘cause there’s no way the racists and the war-mongers and conformists are gonna let a brother win.




Mitt Romney – He’s a second generation politician – smoother than a baby’s bottom. But swift-boating a Mormon is easier than poppin’ an under-funded infidel with an IED. Looks a lot like a skeevy Ted Danson.




Mike Huckabee – By declaring that the Constitution should be remade in the image of God and that Evolution is a “theory”…he needs a good nail gun accident. He forgets that the Invisible Man Up In The Sky only cares about athletes, actors and “Tel-evan-fraud-ulists.”




John McCain – War. What is it good for? You can take the dog out of the fight but you can’t take the fight out of the dog and this dog is just itchin’ for a fight. “Iran called us what?” If you have stock in Halliburton, Blackwater, Boeing or the guys that are building the immigration wall…he’s your man.




Fred Thompson – The last bad actor to run for president ran against Peanut Head, gave us the Iran/Contra scandal and trickle-down economics. What is it that makes people think a B-list actor is qualified to be the leader of the free world?




Rudi Giuliani – screwed up 9/11…Now he wants to screw things up nationally. He was in charge of the NY during “Broom Handle In The Butt-Gate”. More spouses than Zsa Zsa Gabor. Rudy makes Slick Willie look like a Shaolin Monk.




Ron Paul – This is the one cracker that scares the bejeezus out of the establishment. He’s the shiny pink version of Obama. But his views on drugs are closer to Rastafarian than republican. Not. A. Chance. In. Hell.










(8.-)