Monday, March 31, 2008

Mommie Dearest

Call him what you will – Little MacBaby “J”…Doc Hollywood – but don’t call him a Nevada basketball player anymore. That’s right. JaVale McGee, smoother than a Brazilian bikini line, took his mama’s advice and will now take his game to the bank.

Those in the know have pegged McGee to go in the middle of the first round. That’s instant millionaire turf there but that’s as far as things could go for him. Nevada basketball players have fared poorly in the big show recently -- FuzzySeshKirk – none making any impact for their teams (if they’re on a team at all) and all soon to be working with the rest of us shmos, punching a timecard and shleppin’ ‘til 5p rolls around.

The difference between them and Nevada’s newest defector is that they actually won something – you know, like conference championships, NCAA Tournament games, those kinds of things. JV never won diddly. He was a good follower, not so good a leader. Sure, he’d get his stats – HIS stats – but his teams, as a whole, were underachievers. The older JV got, the more he read his clippings…the more he believed them…the less his team won.

He’ll get his spot on the end of someone’s bench next year. He’ll learn quickly about lawyers, baby-mommas and scam artists. He’ll put in his two (or three…or one) and then he’ll be done, just like the rest of ‘em. What he’s gonna miss out on is the opportunity to grow as a player, as a leader, as a winner. No, he’ll be pickin’ splinters outta his ass next year – wearing the same old hang-dog expression -- like someone just kneed him in the cojones – leaving Nevada fans wondering what one more year would have taught him...and given us.


Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Danger Will Robinson!

Huzzah, and a “Golden Pickle” to the NV. Yup, according to a new report we are the most dangerous state in the whole USofA. But hell, we already knew that. What a lot of people don’t know are the less visible reasons why Iceman won’t fly with us

5. The Nevada Test Site. Shoot-fire. It’s not neon that lights up those casinos. Dangerous to those who are pregnant, thinking of becoming pregnant, alive, thinking about staying alive and people with a half-life of less than a hundred million years.

4. Ho’s. The existence of disease-free, well-maintained, goodly-attended brothels make Nevada a danger to marriage, religion and the reps of puritanical politicians everywhere. Remember…sex doesn’t kill…people who have sex kill.

3. Cute & Fuzzy Bunnies. If you think marmots bringing down the house is scary…wait ‘til the wolverine goes C. Thomas Howell on a picnic full of hikers. Dangerous to anyone doubting PETA, dropping popcorn on the trail or has ever watched the Outdoor Channel.

2. Hope and Despair. By virtue of our dalliances in the gaming industry anyone, anytime, can go from the outhouse to the penthouse and back to the outhouse in a matter of seconds. A large contributor to Nevada’s high heart-attack rate. Dangerous to bi-polar, moody, excessively happy/optimistic people, depressed/pessimistic people and people with emotions.

1. Two words. Buffet. Food. Un-wiped sneeze-guards give selections an ethereal glow. Stacked food exudes a third-world aura. Most dangerous to vets returning from Iraq. Flashbacks to Basra Market are common. Side effects may also include: keno-holesilver and/or blue balls…visits from the Prince of DarknessRomney-itis and bitter beer face.


Monday, March 24, 2008

Leave it to Beaver(s)

Check it...if a couple of fuzzy rat-bastards can flood an entire city, whadda ya think a few dozen evil-minded BSC's can do?

Bridges crumblin' to shit.

Levees softer than Oreos in milk.

Dams that haven't been upgraded since Orville and Wilbur were still in their Underoos.

Infrastructure is as important a national security concern as anything. But we treat it like it was a smog check or an oil change -- only do it when you have to while paying as little as possible. Guess what folks, the engine light just came on. Are we gonna pay the man now or are we gonna pay him later?


Thursday, March 20, 2008

Sloppy Seconds

It looks like the powers that be wanna get another shot (pun intended) at the University of Houston. After the Cougars handed us our asses the other day, we're not sure this is a good idea.

Playing another game against a mid-major team that didn't make the NCAA Tournament is like getting a divorce, going out to the Bunny Ranch and hooking up with your ex-wife. Been there, done that.

Yo Wolf Pack Hoops...more games against teams who actually made the Big Dance and fewer games against the scrubs.


Stack 'Em All...Let God Sort 'Em Out

Anyone remember Lynndie England? Anyone? Bueller? Well, here at PTB our memories are longer than John Holmes’ woody…we remember.

Pfc. England is the moon-faced cherub who gets off stackin’ men “Giza” style. Yeah, she likes her some nude Twister -- tokin’ on a ciggy, pointin’ and smirkin that BSC little smirk of hers. She’s the kind of pervert that tiddles her thingy at night while fantasizing about abusing “towelheads.”
Just when you thought Pfc.E’s fifteen minutes had come and gone she’s back. Earlier this week she was coppin’ a ‘tude when she told a German newspaper that, “…what we did happens in war. It just isn't documented,".”

She’s got a point there but that kind of stuff should never happen at the hands of an American soldier. That might be how the Nazis rolled or how the commies rolled or how WWII Japan rolled but that’s not how we roll. That’s why you were a guest of the government at the Gray Bar Motel.

She went on to blame the media for the shit-storm, “…I felt pissed off,” she said. “If the media hadn't exposed the pictures to that extent, then thousands of lives would have been saved. If it had been broken by the news without the pictures it wouldn't have been that big." Talk about killing the messenger.
So, in her twisted logic, if the network news wouldn’t have showed the towers coming down on 9/11, it wouldn’t have been as big a deal. Talk about a tree falling in the forest…SHEESH!

Listen up you bass-ackward, uneducated, redneck…what you did (and what we’re STILL doing) to those prisoners in Abu Ghraib is torture, it is un-American and it is wrong (Are you listening Bush-Wipes?). The media did what the media is supposed to do – report the story. None of this happened because of the media. It happened because you and your cronies are immature, skeevy, abusive, power-trippin’, sadists. That’s the kind of behavior that pisses off the bad guys!

Look, you can nude pyramid all you like in the privacy of your own whatever. But when you’re wearin’ the uniform of the United States Army, your reprehensible conduct should be dealt with harshly. Like strippin’ YOU nude and stackin’ y’all in a pile. We’d pay to see that.


Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Happy Anniversary Baby

“No one knew what to expect when the Iraq war began March 19, 2003.” That, from the front page of today’s RGJ. We don’t mean to harsh the Gaz’s mellow but PTB saw this clusterfuck coming a mile away and we’re dumber than a bag of Skittles! We shouted from the rooftops, we argued and we sounded the alarms. What did we get in response? We were called Frog-lovers. We were called pacifists. We were called traitors. Funny, we haven’t heard from those folks lately. Guess it’s pretty hard to talk with a mouth full of crow. But we weren’t the only ones who knew.

Bush-Wipe knew. Rummy knew. Colin-Blow knew. Dick knew. Brown Rice knew. Halliburton knew. KBR knew. War-profiteers and hatemongers all.

So, it’s five years down the line. What’s changed? Did we find WMD’s? No. Did we give the Iraqi people democracy? No. Have we quelled the insurgency? No. Are Iraqis better off now than they were five years ago? No. Is the M.E. more stable now? No. Is America safer now? No. The list is as endless as this war.

What’s changed? Four thousand brave American soldiers – DEAD. More than a half million Iraqi civilians – DEAD. Gas is three dollars a gallon. Oil is $110 a barrel. OBL is still on the loose and neither the pResident or any of his wannabe successors mention his name anymore. Hell, crazy Uncle McFester wants us to stay in the Bag for a hundred more years. SHEESH!

No folks, this war is wrong. It’s just as wrong now as it was five years ago. When our kids look back at this dark chapter in American history they’ll see the beginning of the end. We were the greatest nation in the world once. That was before the Iraq war. How far the mighty have fallen. You might not have seen it coming but we did.


Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Mister Christian

Damn. We haven’t bagged on religious hypocrisy in about twenty minutes. Well, it’s a new day peoples!

Last week the pResident-in-Chief spoke at a gathering of religious broadcasters. You know the rat-bastards…Pat Robertson...Jimmy SwaggartJames DobsonJim Bakker…all “theocons” who swear you’re goin’ to hell ‘cause yer sinnin’ while they’re five finger discountin’ the collection plate, bangin’ their secretaries or their altar boys and pimpin’ out their rides.

What really bunched our knickers though was when chimp-dick started talking about staying the course in Iraq, widening our role in Afghanistan and basically keeping us at war for the next couple of decades…or centuries. And the crowd CHEERED! Yup. They were hootin’ and a hollerin’ like it was homecoming or Mackay Week or something.

Whatever happened to “Turn the other cheek.”? Whatever happened to “Love thy neighbor.”? Whatever happened to “Thou shalt NOT kill.”? Meanwhile, seventy-eight blasted to bits today. Forty blown to smithereens yesterday and it goes on and on and there’s no end in sight. And the National Religious Broadcasters Convention stood and acted like it was an encore at a Cher concert! The only solace we have in this whole mess is Matthew 6:1-6:

"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven…
…And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men.”

Open question to the NRB: Have ANY of you motherhubbards ever even read the Bible? You’d say “yes” but your actions say “no.”

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Losing to Ron Mexico State

Nothin’ puts a skidmark on a party quicker than an “L”. All night Friday we were dipping nachos of hope into the salsa of naïveté. Talkin’ trash. Downin’ shots of hubris with chasers of audacity. Pimped out in our silver and blue, we thought we would win. We were wrong.

But after a few days of denial, anger, bargaining, depression then, finally, acceptance, we had an epiphany. Remember when Wolf Pack basketball sucked? Remember when making the conference tournament was a big deal? We’ve come a long way from those days baby. Now, when we don’t make the Big Dance, it hurts. It hurts more than we could have ever imagined and that’s good. We’re not wannabe’s anymore. We’re a full-fledged basketball school. That’s why missing the tourney makes us wanna sneeze in agony and blow the snot of remorse into the hankie of sorrow.

Got that “Little General?” Nevada is no longer a football school. Posting a mediocre record and losing a “Who Cares” bowl to the East Westchester Northstars (champions of the Southern Conference) just doesn’t cut it anymore. We’re all about the hoops now, baby. We wanna dance with the stars. Alas, not this year.

We did think we’d get into the N.I.T (Not Invited to the Tournament). Nope. Fate is cruel to hoops schools. No…we got the invite to the C.B.I. (Coulda Been In) Tournament. “Houston…Hello!” That’s cool with us. ‘Cause we remember when…and it ain’t gonna be like that no mo’. Nevada is all about the hoops now.


Friday, March 14, 2008

On The Rocks

There are a couple of similarities between the problems Eliot Spitzer and Jim Gibbons are going through.

Both of them are Governors. Both of them are having troubles with the Mrs. and neither of them is Chinese. But the sameness pretty much ends there.

Governor Gibbons ran on a promise of no new taxes. So far, he’s kept his word. Governor Spitzer ran on the promise of law and order. So far…OOPS!

No matter what your take on Gibbons is…whatever happens in his personal life should stay personal. Why? The fact that his marriage is a bit shaky isn’t news…it’s gossip. He didn’t run on a “Save Marriage” platform. He didn’t run a “No Ho’s” campaign so whatever he does with the women in his life is his own business.

But when Client #9 got popped hookin’ up with high-priced ho’s…now THAT’S news. Why? Because Spitzer was hell bent on cleanin’ up the bad guys. He made it his personal mission to rid the world of criminals and it turns out he’s a big fat criminal himself! Hypocrite.

Yo, Governor Spit-Shine…why don’t you roll on over here to the 775. The L’sotE are much better lookin’ and they don’t cost nearly as much. She love you long time!

Governor Gibbons…Keep yer chin up and tell the media to keep their noses out of your bedroom.

To Silda and Dawn: Ladies, you know where I am. Gimme a call or drop me a line. We’ll hook up and I’ll show you what it’s like to be with a REAL man!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

There's a Reason Its the FIRST Amendment

It seems like the land of the free and the home of the brave is neither nowadays. We’re talking about the recent resignations of Geraldine “Black isn't Beautiful” Ferraro and Samantha “Monster” Power.

See, back in the day, the Soviets and the Nazis used to throw people in the gulag for opening their pie holes. China…same thing. Afghanistan, a country we’re fighting to give democracy and our bestest friends in the M.E., the Kingdom of SaudKILL people for things they say.

That’s why we love the USofA. Our free speech is a Constitutional right. You can say anything you want and not have to fear the Reaper. “Fire” in a crowded theatre? No Problem. “Theatre” in a crowded firehouse? Yummy! It’s called Freedom. Of. Speech. That is, until recently.

It seems we’ve become so P.C. that saying something deemed “offensive” gets people’s knickers in a twist. Is Hillary a monster? Probably not. Is BoB where he is today ‘cause he’s a brown-skinded brother? Nope. But should someone get perp-walked to the door for saying such things? No.

We don’t necessarily agree with what everyone says but we’ll defend to the DEATH their right to say it. They’re just words. Remember, “Sticks and stones...”

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Going Green

It looks like Mary Ann is quite fond of Mary Jane. Yup. Dawn Wells, one of the favorite daughters of the 775 got popped by the PoPo for havin’ a hold of the ganja.

What makes things worse is that she got busted in Idaho (State Motto: “We’re Even Whiter Than Utah!”). She’s lucky though, she got bailed before they could administer a “Rudy in the Booty.”

We always fantasized about bangin’ the femmes on G.I. but naive Mary Ann wasn’t our first choice. Neither was smokin’ hot Ginger. No, we always wanted to horizontal bop with the older, wiser Mrs. Howell. They didn’t call her “Lovie” for nothin’! YIKES!

But the problem we have with this whole thing is the illegality of marijuana. Think about it. Tobacco kills around 300,000 people a year. Alcohol is responsible for 20,000 a year. They’re both legal and easy to buy. As of today not one death has EVER been attributed to the green bud. Not. One. And if you get busted with it, you’ll spend time in the Gray Bar Motel. You wonder why we’ve got more people in the big house than the friggin’ Chinese? This is reason one.

What we can’t figure out is that if the USofA is a Christian nation…why hasn’t anyone brought up Genesis 2:16. C’mon God peeps…read your friggin’ bibles. You’d be surprised what’s in there.

As for you you Mary Ann…come on home and we’ll light up a spliff together. Maybe you can teach us some of the things you learned from Thurston’s wife.


Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Chop Sue Ye

It’s good to see the TRPA rubbing a butt on people who cut down trees up at Tahoe to enhance their views of the lake.

Rochelle Nason, of the League to Save Lake Tahoe, said that when people cut trees it puts the rustic beauty of Tahoe at risk. “People come to Tahoe to get away from urbanized areas,” she said. “They don’t want that scenic beauty lost.” No shit Captain Obvious.

The crux of our biscuit is that the scenic beauty of Tahoe is ALREADY lost…that is unless you like gaudy neon skyscrapers and McMansions. If y’all are so worried about the beauty of Tahoe you shouldn’t have let anyone live up there in the first place. The last building permit issued for Tahoe should have been the barn extension requested by Ben, Hoss, Little Joe and Adam. After that…it was too late.


Monday, March 10, 2008

Gimme Back My Bullets

Knee-jerk reactions to overblown problems seem to run rampant nowadays. We get popped on 9/11 and what did we get? The Homeland Security Department. No. Help. Whatsoever.

The economy goes in the toilet and what happens? Government-Cheese cuts everyone a $600 check and sends us on our way. Thanks for the help numb-nuts.

Hollywood writers go on strike and whadda they give us? American Gladiators. SHEESH!

So now there are a couple of problems up at the University of Nevada and the proposed solutions would make the boys at FEMA proud.

Some wack-job in the IL goes BSC and unloads on a classroom. So, Students for Concealed Carry on Campus (or as we like to call ‘em…”StuCCC”) thinks it’s a good idea for trained students, professors and administrators to carry guns on campus. Never mind that less than ten percent of crimes against college students happen on campus. They’d all be TRAINED! Bad. Idea.

The NYPD Blues are as trained as anyone in handling firearms and couple of months ago they popped fifty caps in the WRONG guy. WTF’s gonna happen when some crazy mo-fo storms into a classroom, waving his cellphone and screaming “God is great” at the top of his lungs? A hundred and fifty stressed-out, zit-faced, Red Bull-guzzlin’ twenty-somethings with a lifetime of student loan debt in front of them will all whip out their pistolas and start blasting away. NICE.

Actually, we kinda like the idea of guns on campus but we don’t think they should be concealed. Students should be required to carry their weapons in plain sight like The Governator or or Ramb-old. Call it weapon envy…”My Glock is bigger than your Glock.” It’ll be a Glock-swingin’ contest! Can you imagine Theatre majors totin’ pearl handled Derringers? How ‘bout an Anthropology major haulin’ around a blow gun or a science geek packin’ a death ray to class? AWESOME!

Maybe they’re on to something there. Or maybe they’re just on something. Then we could blame it all on the firewater. That’s what they’re doing now.

Football fans have been getting’ a bit too crazy for the taste of some up at the U. and those who object blame it all on alcohol. But that’s a fluff bomb. People are gonna drink to excess whether you sell the stuff in the stadium or not. And just because you’ve been imbibing doesn’t make you a loudmouth blowhard. No, don’t blame the booze for boorish behavior. Jackasses are jackasses…sober or not. We blame it all on their parents who didn’t teach little Billy and Susie how to behave in public. We also have to lay some blame on the puritanical adults with holier than thou attitudes who’s ears burn whenever they hear an F-Bomb. Grow a thicker layer of skin wussies!

Wanna make football games more “fan-friendly”? Win more than half your games. That’d be a good start. Seriously though, without alcohol, how will fans be able to sit through snooze-fests with powerhouses like Sacramento State, Nicholls State and Idaho. Can you say EXCRUCIATING? Besides if Nevada bans booze at football games, our RP.I will drop through the floor. RPI you ask? Rowdy. Punk. Index.


Friday, March 7, 2008

Sunshine on My Shoulder

We know that here in the 775 two-thirds of all jobs are rollin’ between 2pm and 8am. That’s what you get livin’ and workin’ in a 24/7 economy. But for the lucky few who do the 9-5, it's the weekend you’ve been waiting for...turn back the hands of time!

We give Chimp-Dick lots of well-deserved crap but on this one he hit it right on the button. Daylight Savings Time ROCKS!!! Thank you PGB!

Yeah, we hear complaints from the blue hairs with their blue plates about the blinking clock on their microwave, losing a whole hour of sleep and having to reset the clock on their VCR's but it’s a small price to pay for extra daylight.

With that in mind...a haiku:

Daylight Savings Time

Get off work with time to play.

The sun is shining.


Thursday, March 6, 2008

Badgers? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Badgers!

Nothing cute about Wolverines. The lil’ buggers would shred you into confetti if they had their way. But here at PTB we love us the furry animals so this piqued our interest.

Wolverines were thought to have been driven from the Sierra long ago because of “human activity”. Guess they just couldn’t stand all those folks partyin’ up at Tahoe on New Years Eve.

Developers fear the fuzzy lil’ bastards will be put on the ESL and that would affect land-use decisions. Less wildlife…more nightlife is their motto. And that’s the crux of our biscuit.

When you hear politicians talking about “going green”…they’re not talking about the environment, they’re talking about money. When you hear politicians talking about “wildlife”…they’re not talkin’ ‘bout critters, they’re talking about Sen. Larry Craig’s “wide stance.”

If a developer wants to slap together another McMansion or strip mall up in the Sierra, there isn’t a wolverine or a bear or a wolf or a moose or a person that’ll be able to stop it because NOTHING gets in the way of “progress”.


Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Say it Ain't So Mo!

Did we read this right? The Mo was trippin’ when the “Invisible Man in the Sky” gave him the "Double High Five"? Brilliant!

People have been doin’ drugs to get mind-expansion since the first caveman licked a toad’s butt and started hallucinating.

If you’re on hallucinogenic drugs, are you really seeing God? Does God look like Jimi Hendrix? Cheech and Chong? How did you get rid of the munchies back in the B.C.? Where were the cops? Did they let Moses slide ‘cause he was a big wig? Can you see the look on Moses’ face the next day when he rolled into work and they told him he had to pee in a bottle?

That’s the crux of our biscuit though…If you need drugs to get closer to your “God” then your God might just as well be Timothy Leary!


Monday, March 3, 2008

Wet Security Blanket

Here in the USofA ought 8, there are millions of redneck, BSC cracker barrels out there whose worst nightmare is about to come true… President Barack Hussein Obama. YEEE HAWWWW!!!!

Last week the Old Gray Lady posited about BOb’s safety and wondered if he’d get BobbyK’d or Oswalded. It’s something we’ve talked about before here at PTB. No matter how good security is, some wack-job could put an end to it all. But we have the answer.

All BOb has to do is pick Hillary as his V.P. and he’s in the clear. Why? The one thing that scares the bad guys more than a brown-skinded brother with his finger on the button is Mrs. Bill Clinton a heartbeat away from takin’ over. If Hil was second in command, everyone to the right of Ted Kennedy would make damn sure that BOb took his vitamins, exercised regularly and stayed in peak physical form. The right might not like BOb…but anything is better to them than Hill Bill Vol 2.

Best. Vice President. Ever.