Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Wednesday Thought Burbles


I don’t get it…some douchebag politician wants to hold Congressional hearings into why the Pentagon dis-invited Franklin Graham, Billy Graham’s, son to National Prayer Day. DAMN…doesn’t Congress have anything better to do? Yes…but that doesn’t mean they’re gonna do it. It’s all about posturing for the next election. Sad. But my question is a bit different: WTF does the Pentagon need with a National Prayer day? I don’t want my soldiers to be praying to God. I want them to be blowin’ the bejeezus outta things and killing bad guys. They should leave the praying to the chaplains…and Franklin Graham.


That oil spill out in the gulf of Mexico is now the size of West Virginia and getting bigger. It’s heading straight for Louisiana and Mississippi. Maybe Jerry Falwell was right. God is unleashing Hell on those poor folks ‘cause of all the gayness in New Orleans. Nah…Jerry Falwell has never been right. I’ll tell you one thing, this spill is gonna fuck up things for a long time. Hmmm…I wonder if Caribou Barbie can see the sunken oil rig from her house? Yo VPILF, how’s that “drill baby drill-thingy” goin for ya?


And finally today, a little bit about the Teabaggers. A lot has been written about how those tighty-righties are racist, cracker-assed-crackers. Well, we’ve got a foolproof way to find that out now. How? You’ve seen tea parties all over the place; people wavin’ signs and placards that say stuff like “No big government” and “Keep the government out of healthcare.” That stance is a civil libertarian stance and I understand it. So, why don’t you hear a peep out of the Teabaggers when it comes to the AZ’s draconian immigration law? Not a peep. If the Teabaggers don’t stand, in unison, and demand the repeal of Arizona’s immigration law, they’re nuthin’ but a bunch of hypocritical, racist, xenophobic, rat-bastards.


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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Papers or Plastic


So I’m sittin’ in front of the tube last night, tryin’ to get my pea brain around this new Arizona immigration law, when the Military Channel pops on an episode of The World at War. It’s a twenty-something part documentary on WWII. This particular episode covered the rise of the Nazi Party in the mid-30’s. And then, it hit me…


The WAW narrator started talkin’ about what the Nazis did when they took over. The first thing they did was vilify the press calling it “liberal” and “anti-German.” Sound familiar? Then the Nazis outlawed all unions. Ya see where I’m goin’ with this?


Next, Hitler’s goons started rounding up intellectuals (elitists) and immigrants (dark-skinded brothers and sisters) and sendin’ ‘em off to the gulags. The Nazi regime explained that Germany was an infallible country, ordained by God to rule the world.


Now I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, but it seems that the right-wing nut cases here in the USo’A, Inc., surely look and sound and act a lot like the Nazis of WWII. Don’t believe me? Tighty-righties routinely rag on the “liberal media.” The only people they trust on the tube are Faux News and Hee Haw. They’re anti-union, they pooh-pooh intellectuals and blame every problem in their lives on illegal immigration. I’m tellin’ y’all…this is gonna get interesting…but not in a good way. Mark my words.

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Thursday, April 22, 2010

Chicken Dance



U.S. Senate candidate Sue Lowden is getting’ the Silver State a lot pub lately by saying people could pay their doctors with, get this, live chickens. As you can imagine the liberal, elitist media jumped all over that line. No surprise that Lowden has been vilified everywhere from the Rachel Maddow show to the Tonight Show to the Colbert Report. But here at PTB, we kinda like the idea. Bartering has been around since the beginning, so what’s the big deal? Wouldn’t it be great if you could pay your proctologist with poultry? Pretty sweet, neh? Problem is…what do you use to buy the chicken?



News out of Nepal says that the Sherpas won’t allow the ashes of Sir Edmund Hillary to be sprinkled on Mount Everest. Apparently, they consider Everest some kind of holy place. Yo Nepal! If the place is so friggin holy, how come the mountain is littered with crap like oxygen tanks, tents and dead bodies? Aye caramba! Ya know, if it wasn’t for SHE puttin’ y’all on the map, y’all would still be livin’ in the fourteenth century. Oh wait, you are. Nevermind.



Happy Earth Day dear Earth… Happy Earth Day dear Earth… Happy Earth Day dear Earrrrrrth…Happy Earth Day to Youuuuuuuu! Ya know, here on Earth Day I got to thinkin’. I wonder if Sarah Palin can see the burning oil platform from her house? So, how IS that drill baby drill-thingy goin for ya Caribou Barbie?


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Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The Way it is

I've been doin' television for a long time. And do you know what the funniest part of this George Carlin riff is? At one time or another I've used every single one of these words and phrases. True story. We miss you George!!!!


Monday, April 19, 2010

Us No Sense


Maybe it's 'cause I grew up in a trailer. Maybe it's cause now I'm livin' in a basement. Either way, I think the government-cheese sent me the wrong 2010 Census form. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those Teabaggin'-types who thinks the census will be used to monitor the voices in my head. But still...I think they got a bit too personal.



PTB's 2010 Census Form



Last name: _______________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
( ) Billy-Bob
( ) Billy-Joe
( ) Billy-Ray
( ) Billy-Sue
( ) Billy-Mae
( ) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
( ) Booger
( ) Bubba
( ) Junior
( ) Sissy
( ) Other____________

Age:____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure
Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:(Check appropriate box)
( ) Farmer
( ) Mechanic
( ) Hair Dresser
( ) Unemployed
( ) Dirty Politician
( ) Preacher

Spouse's Name:_____________
2nd Spouse's Name:_______________
3rd Spouse's Name:_______________
Lover's Name:_______________

Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)
( ) Sister
( ) Brother
( ) Aunt
( ) Uncle
( ) Cousin
( ) Mother
( ) Father
( ) Son
( ) Daughter
( ) Pet

Number of children living in the home:_____
Number of the children living in the shed:_____
Number that are yours:_____

Mother's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

(Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own:___
Number of vehicles that still crank:___
Number of vehicles in front yard:___
Number of vehicles in the back yard:___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____truck
____bedroom
____bathroom
____kitchen
____shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196_

Do you have a gun rack?
( ) Yes ( ) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
( ) The National Enquirer
( ) The Globe
( ) TV Guide
( ) Soap Opera Digest
( ) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:___
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:____

How often do you bathe?
( ) Weekly
( ) Monthly
( ) Not Applicable

Color of eyes:
Left_____ Right_____

Color of hair:
( ) Blond
( ) Black
( ) Red
( ) Brown
( ) White
( ) Clairol

Color of teeth:
( ) White
( ) Yellow
( ) Brownish-Yellow
( ) Brown
( ) Black
( ) N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
( ) Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
( ) 1 mile
( ) 2 miles
( ) just a whoop-and-a-holler
( ) road?




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Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Lunga Calcio Live!


There's a reason soccer is the most popular sport in the world. And there's a reason Brazil is home to the greatest soccer players in the world. Question: Is the "Kissing the Ring" celebration even allowed in Italy?

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Tuesday, April 6, 2010

No Guv Love



Well, he’s doin’ it. Governor Jim “I Did Not Text That Woman” Gibbons has decided to go for it and sue the Feds over the new healthcare bill. GJG says the bill is unconstitutional. I know what you’re saying…”Jim Gibbons has read the Constitution?” Probably not…but he’s goin’ through with it anyway. This, even after Nevada Attorney General Catherine Cortez-Masto said she wouldn’t file suit. Here’s my problem with all this…


Since a lawsuit against the Feds won’t work, I figure Jimmy-Wiggles is just doin’ this to show off his Teabagger bona fides. After all, he’s running for reelection and he’s about as popular right now as redundant root canal surgery. That being said, he needs the Teabaggers a lot more than they need him. But what really chaps my ass is the fact that he’s using State money to pursue a purely political venture that doesn’t help the state of Nevada in any way. Yo Guv…you’ve wasted three years of taxpayer money by taking a salary. When you were supposed to be workin’, you were letting your little head think for your big head. Now, in the middle of our state’s financial clusterfuck, you’re gonna spend our tax money on this boondoggle. Aye caramba! No worries Jim…you’ll be out on your ass soon enough. Problem is…today wouldn’t be soon enough. True dat!

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