Singing in the Lame

So, last night I’m watchin’ Spain hand a beatdown to Die Mannschaft, (which, IMHO, is the single most homo-erotic nickname on the planet)…when the Brit announcer starts blathering on about the political turmoil on the Spanish side. He rambled about rivalries between players and how the caustic atmosphere in the locker room would be the doom of the Furia. Then he used an example that had me skidmarking my Underoos. He mentioned that during this entire World Cup he hadn’t seen one player on the Spanish team sing the country’s national anthem. That was his rationale for why the team had been so dysfunctional.

Now, a lot of players (in all sports) don’t sing their national anthem. It could be because they’re athletes and not American Idols. It could be that they are too busy focusing on the game. Heck-fire, it could be that some of the brotherhubbards don’t know the lyrics to the friggin’ song…all valid excuses. But could hate and anger and animosity be behind Spain’s lack of patriotism? No. You see, out of all the national anthems in the world…wait for it…wait for it…Spain’s national anthem is one of the few WITHOUT WORDS! Those poor bastards couldn’t sing to their national anthem if they wanted to. Well, maybe they could go commando karaoke and make up their own lyrics but that’d be a bit presumptuous. No, during the Spanish national anthem, the whole country stands…and no one sings…been that way forever. Now, if someone would just tell the Brits.

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Goal Mouth

Goal Mouth noun

Goal Mouth is a malady suffered by soccer fans and is characterized by sore jaw, stiff tongue and raspy throat.

When there is a close shot, or an acrobatic save or, especially, a goal scored, fans go crazy. They abruptly open their mouths which strains the mandible. The noise made, harshens the vocal chords and the back of the throat. The ululation of the sound constantly strains the tongue muscle, resulting in Goal Mouth.

“I sure will be glad when this World Cup is over. I’ve had Goal Mouth for more than three weeks.”

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One Less Fan of Die Mannschaft

Futbol Feelings

GEEZ…the refs have been so bad in this World Cup that their crappy calls are overshadowing what’s turning out to be a great tournament. Hell those officials need glasses. Wait, those refs are so bad they have glasses already but their eye doctor must be Rand Paul. Aye caramba!

Having watched almost every game of the 2010 World Cup, I’ve gotta ask…why do national anthems have to be solemn? I understand some countries’ anthems are rife with history, and war, and, death and whatnot…but not all of ‘em. Why can’t people just belt their national anthems like they were karaokeing Pat Benatar on a Friday night? Have a bit of fun people…it’s the World Cup, not George Bush’s inauguration.

One of the coolest things about watching soccer on television is the awesomeness of the announcers from Great Britain. In one ten minute span I heard the terms: “Impudent little flick,” “tight little ball” and “sloppy effort.” High comedy indeed…especially if you have a dirty mind like me.

And finally…it happens all the time in American sports. A batter strikes out, a kicker misses a field goal, a player gets called for a foul. The director cuts to a slo-motion closeup of the irate sportsman and inevitably they’ll drop and F-Bomb. Not an audible one (no nat sound on replay) but definitely a visible one. During the past two weeks I’ve seen no fewer than a dozen slo-mo, replay F-Bombs dropped by people who don’t even speak English. A beaten goalie, an inaccurate striker, a yellow-carded midfielder…director cuts to the slo mo closeup and Whadda you see? A visibly, angry, frustrated FUCK! Whether they speak French, or German, or Dutch or Swahili, same thing…“FUCK!” Glad to see American sportsmanship translate to international soccer.

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Separated at Birth

Funny how you never see Seinfeld's Jason Alexander and England striker Wayne Rooney in the same place together. Coincidence? I think not.

Why Teabaggers Can Bite Me

They're not chanting "Beat L.A!

They're not chanting "WOLF!..."PACK!"

They're not chanting "Boston Sucks!"

No, this is the kind of stuff that unites Americans. Something you bass-ackward, hatemongering, hypocritical, fascist, racist, xenophobic, soccer-hatin', can't spell, cracker-assed crackers know nothing about.

Yanks v Black Stars tomorrow at 11a. 'Til then...a little something to make you realize we are all Sam's Army. Courtesy of Robby Donoho. WOOT!

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Adieu Les Bleus

You’ve got to hand it to the Frogs…no team in international football has the diva thing down quite like Les Bleus. Alas, we won’t have them to entertain us anymore. This morning hosts Bafana Bafana dropped a deuce on Thierry Henry and company, sending France home in defeat and disgrace.

IMHO, the funniest story line to come out of the French team’s debacle is the tongue lashing they got from former star player Zinedine Zidane. Zidane criticized the team for its “ridiculous, childish behavior.” What a load of crap. Y’all rember Z2 dontcha? Last World Cup he got red carded in the final game for givin’ Marco Materazzi the old Glasgow Kiss. Talk about a classy guy. Getting scolded by Zinedine Zidane for acting like idiotic morons is like being called dumb by George W. Bush. True story.

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La Copa Rota

They sure the hell do a lot more with Legos than when I was a kid. Below...England v USA.

There is a Reason They Call it the World Cup

Over the weekend several friends of mine were giving me shit because of my love of soccer. The read the last PTB posting and were not impressed. So, while I was watching the U.S. v England game on Saturday they pounced. “It’s not REAL football,” they said. “It’s a boring game,” they insisted. They have the right to their own opinions but there is a special reason I hold international football close to my proverbial bosom.

Compared to the rest of the world, the United States sucks in soccer. It’s not like basketball back in the “Dream Team” days when we’d beat everyone a hundred to bupkis. No, soccer is one of those sports where the United States team has to be the scrappy, can-do, anything's possible Americans rather than the "know-it-all, holier-than-thou," ugly American most of the world makes us out to be. I don’t mind being the underdog to the rest of the world. But we’re getting better. You cannot be the best unless you beat the best. Well, England is one of the best. And for one game on Saturday, we were just as good.

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