Burnt Off Her Things

This weekend in the 775, one of the greatest events on the planet gets underway…Burning Man. It’s an annual orgy of art and music and mysticism and alcohol and drugs and dirt and boobies on the playa of the Nevada desert. If you get a chance, I highly recommend going. It’ll be the party of your lifetime. And if you do go, remember one thing: Reno-911 still thinks it’s 1950. They’ll be patrolling the area looking for really bad things like pot smokers, drunk people and girls showing off their niblets. I always found it frustrating that the PoPo spend so much time and effort and money bustin’ Burners for being…well for being Burners while the Jaycee Lee Dugards of the world have to fend for themselves. Aye caramba!


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Just Being Social (ist)

Here in the USo’A, we’ve socialized our military. After all, fighting the Brits, or the Krauts, or the Commies, or whoever is in the Enemy of the Month Club is a function so important; we need the juice of the Government to get the job done right.

Do you think Blackwater could do a better job than the US Army? I don’t.

We’ve socialized law enforcement. Catching perps and tossin’ ‘em in the Gray Bar Motel is such an important function that we’ve given the Government-Cheese the task of keeping us safe from the baddies. You know who I’m talkin’ ‘bout: Shopkeepers who sell alcohol to minors, ‘ho’s, stoners, college kids illegally downloading music…you know really bad guys.

Do you think Paul Blart or 21 Jump Street can do a better job than The real PoPo? I don’t.

I t just seems to me that if our safety, our security and our protection is so important to us that we have to trust the government to do it, why isn’t the health of our children that important too? How ‘bout the health and welfare of millions of senior citizens and people living in poverty? How ‘bout our own health? Change the system? The smart ones say HELL YES! The government can't be as bad as private companies. The airheads who spout right-wing talking points say HELL NO! After all, the government wouldn’t do nearly as good a job as big pharma, the health insurance industry or corporate, for-profit hospital chains.

Hell, and I always thought we had a government of the people for the people and by the people. Maybe we could just let big business run the government too? Oh yeah, I forgot…they already do. SHEESH!

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Good Cop -- Great Cop

Hot diggety damned! Didja hear? PoPo in the Big Apple went and caught themselves four terrorists. They busted the rat-bastards yesterday and today they’ve got ‘em in court. HUZZAH!



NYPD Blue didn’t torture anyone to get information.


They didn’t kill any civilians in the process of the arrest.


They didn’t need Halliburton,
or KBR,
or Blackwater,
or a predator drone,
or fuckin’ Lynndie England to get the bad guys…

Nope. Just good, old-fashioned police work. Just like the cops in Bali...and London...and Madrid.



Now these recent converts to Islam are gonna get their day in court, then soon get plenty of time in the Gray Bar Motel to study the Koran. They’ll need it.



You see, just like Christianity and Judaism, Islam is a religion of peace. And just like Christianity and Judaism, there are BSC motherhubbards spewing hate outta their lie-holes claiming to do it for God, or Yahweh, or Allah, or Jesus. If these chuckle-headed wannabes had actually studied about their newly found religion, they wouldn’t be out tryin’ to blow people up. How do a bunch of bass-ackward, crazy, bald-headed, cracker assed crackers from the 775 know? ‘Cause we can read…



Chapter 3, verse 172, of the Quran: "Of those who answered the call of Allah and the messenger, even after being wounded, those who do right and refrain from wrong have a great reward."



Amen.

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Like This and Like That

Wow, another chapter in the fiasco that is the marriage of Governor Jim and Dawn Gibbons. Every time a new story comes out about these two, it seems more fitting for the Jerry Springer Show than major metropolitan newspapers. What we don’t understand is that GJG says he’s gonna run for a second term in the State House. Huevos rancheros bro. The chances of him winning reelection are the same as our chances of getting’ some rebound poontang from Mrs. G. Yo Dawn…you know where we are, give us a holler! We can always hope, can’t we?

Defense Secretary Robert Gates says he wants to cut a bunch of unnecessary weapons systems from the Pentagon’s budget. You can bet the tighty-righties all over are getting’ their Underoos in a bunch over that one. The thing is…he’s right to do it. We’ve said it here before – WTF good is another aircraft carrier, a bunch of F-22’s or a missile defense system in fightin’ the terrorists? NONE! The only people these humongous military projects benefit are defense contractors. Anyone remember Ike’s warning about the “military-industrial complex"? We do.

There’s no getting around the fact that Guy Felton likes to cheese-off politicians. He’s been doin’ it for years. Now comes the twist. Felton has been sending some pretty nasty e-mails to Washoe County Commissioner David Humke. No, not the kinds that promise one pill that can enlarge your breasts and penis while growing you a full head of hair. Felton blasted off a couple of tirades threatening to bust some ass and that’s where Reno 911 stepped in. The PoPo arrested Felton and charged him with harassment and stalking. Here’s our beef with this one: There’s a little thingy on e-mail accounts that lets you block certain senders. So, why didn’t Humke just block Felton’s e-mail addy? Our thought is that Felton is such a turd in the Commission’s punch bowl that they wanted him tossed in the hoosegow. Question. Is that how elected officials in the 775 treat dissent? Wow, maybe America is turning into a socialist nation. Note to the Washoe County Commission: When you vote on projects, you never seem to think about the people of Northern Nevada. Why give a shit when you get an e-mail from one of ‘us?

And finally…yesterday, Vermont became the fourth state (behind Connecticut, Massachusetts and Iowa) to legalize gay marriage. That sound you hear? It’s not JZeus’ Dad making the sinners pay. It’s not the Lord’s fury unleashed at this “abomination” like Jerry Falwell would like you to believe. As far as we can tell, the Invisible Man in the Sky has been quite mum on the subject. No, that sound you hear is the collective sphincters of all the religious nut-jobs, homophobes and bible thumpers tightening to the point of rupture. Sorry guys…you lose.

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ThursDaydreaming

The story says Bernie Madoff’s wife withdrew fifteen million dollars from their account just days before he took a walk of shame for stealing billions of dollars from investors. Neither of the Madoffs are in jail as of this writing. As a matter-of-fact…Bernie is under house arrest. That means he spends his days languishing in his multi-million dollar penthouse in the NYC rather than sitting in a 4x4 cell with a roommate named T-Bone. We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again…a brown-skinded brother steals a loaf of bread to feed his family, he gets beaten and thrown in the hoosegow. But if whitey steals billions of dollars to feed his extravagant lifestyle, he gets house arrest. Sad but true.



Had JWB not popped a cap in the 16th President, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 200 years old today…the same age as Dick Clark. So, since Guy Rocha is retiring, we thought we’d share some little-known facts about the Man from Springfield…


“Honest Abe” got his nickname the first time he ran for office when he actually fessed-up to a reporter’s question about alleged indelicate dalliances with sheep.


Before Lincoln started sporting his full beard, he wore a Fu Manchu with a soul patch.


The first draft of the Gettysburg Address started with, “There once was a man from Nantucket.”


Lincoln was so poor growing up that his stovepipe hat was an actual real-life stovepipe.


Lincoln’s favorite music? The Shaggs, Bjork and anything from Wu Tang Clan.





Most PoPos consider their K-9 helpers full-fledged officers of the law. That kind of anthromorphization is kinda creepy but we’ll go with it. That said, if Joe Citizen punched a cop…or kicked a cop…hell, even yelled at a cop…he’d be sitting in the Gray Bar Motel for a long time. Shoot-fire, he might even get Gitmo’d. So how come an UN-PD (pronounced Un-Pud) can "allegedly" beat the bejeezus out of his dog and the motherhubbard gets paid administrative leave? Double. Standard.





The Bun in the Oven wacko doesn’t have a job, lives with her parents, gets food stamps and has a publicist. WTF? A freakin' PUBLICIST? Aye caramba! Anyone thinking that’s an O.K. situation needs a reality check. And, while you’re getting yours…save one for Octo-Ho. She needs it more than anyone.

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BasKidBall

Y’all remember being in the seventh grade? It wasn’t that long ago for us here at PTB…we remember it like it was yesterday. After all, seventh grade was three of the best years we ever had. But that’s a crux of a different biscuit…


Seventh grade was the time in our life when girls stopped having cooties, our music tastes changed from kiddy pop to rock & roll and we started counting the days ‘til we were gonna get our driver’s license (1,460). Ah, the joys of youth. Now, the NCAA wants to really screw things up.



Famous for giving birth to the BCS, the “student”-athlete and Dick Vitale, the NCAA has squirted one out of their pooty hole that surprised even us. Last week the NCAA voted to allow college basketball coaches to recruit kids as early as seventh grade. Aye Caramba! All through high school, jocks got preferential treatment from teachers, administrators and, of course, the PoPo. Now, this ruling bestows BMOC status on kids who are barely out of their Underoos. WTF would a seventh grader know about which college to go to? Nothing.



This is just another example of how the culture of the athletic circle jerk is ruining the USo’A. Don’t believe us? Most people couldn’t name you one single Supreme Court Justice, the capital of Djibouti or even the biggest planet in the solar system…but almost everyone knows who won the last Super Bowl, or who Michael Jordan is, or that every baseball player in the 1990’s was juicin’. That’s our biggest problem…we put all our time, money and effort into kids playing sports that we ignore the fact that they need to learn readin’, writin’, and ‘rithmetic. What’s worse, is that if you’re a jock-strap, you’ve got little chance of playing beyond high school and an infinitesimal chance of playing beyond college. Meanwhile, the future doctors, lawyers and scientists of America are getting their funding cut and their needs ignored. This is the kind of crap that’s gonna bite us all in the ass one day. Luckily, most of us will be sitting on ours…watching sports on T.V.



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Imagine There's No Heaven

It’s interesting to see Reno’s D-league hoops team promising us the “NBA Experience.” Guess that means we’ll get overpriced tickets, overpriced food and underperforming dawdlers lagging up and down the court. Heck, throw in a primadonna teammate or two, opponents no one cares about and a losing record and you’ll experience the NBA the same way 90% of the league does.



We can’t stress this enough. School uniforms. Worst. Idea. Ever. State Senator Bob Coffin is proposing that all public school students in the NV wear uniforms. Yo Coff…if all the little chillens are wearing the same thing, how are the PoPo gonna know who the gangbangers are?



On this day in history in 1859, Charles Darwin published On the Origin of Species. JZeus has been spinning in his grave ever since.



In today’s dead tree edition of the RGJ, Janice Ayres says that Nevada shouldn’t use its Tobacco Settlement Funds to bail out the state budget. She’s right. That money was specifically given to states so they could educate and treat people addicted to nicotine. Problem is, we’re already using those dollars to give Nevada high schoolers the Millennium Scholarship. Remember, if people quit smoking, the state will lose out on lots of tax money. So keep on puffin’ those stogies!



Looks like Citigroup is gonna get more government-sponsored welfare. Goddamned corporate socialists. Let’s get this straight. Citigroup wants billions of taxpayer dollars so that that they can loan it to people who don’t need it so those people can buy more crap that they don’t need and can’t afford. Are we missing something here?



Finally today…the Beatles. You remember them. They’re the drug-addled, hippy, rock-n-roll freaks who glorified drugs, Charles Manson and some brotherhubbard named Rocky Raccoon. Back in the day, John Lennon even went so far as to say the Beatles were bigger than JZeus. Oops! That sure put the band on the religious right’s shit list. Well, time heals all wounds, or maybe time wounds all heels. ANYWAY…now the Vatican is saying that the Beatles’ music was some of the most creative stuff ever written and their songs are classic compared to today’s tunes and that they forgive the band. Yeah right. Ever heard Octopuses Garden? It’s the story of man/mermaid love. And that’s a whole lot worse than gay marriage! No worries though, next to Kittie, NWA and GWAR, the mop tops from Liverpool look like friggin’ choirboys.




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