Newtered

I saw Newt Gingrich the other day blatherin’ on about Universal Healthcare. You know the Newt-ster. He’s the rat-bastard that was tellin’ us how JZeus talks to him and that gay marriage is bad and that we needed a constitutional amendment to save heterosexual marriage from all those gay people. All the while, he was bangin’ his paramour. Hypocrite. ANYWAY…


Newt was pretty adamant when he said we “shouldn‘t trust the government on these important issues.” He implied that there is no role for the government to play when a person makes decisions about his or her health choices. This from the same party that says a woman’s right to an abortion is wrong. Yo Newter…If you think the government-cheese should stay away from healthcare decisions, WTF were you the one leading the fight to keep Terri Schiavo plugged in over the objections of her family?


No, the republicans don’t want Government run healthcare. They want to leave that up to the insurance companies...

and the pharmaceutical companies...

and the big-time for-profit corporate hospitals.


Same as it ever was.

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Flagged

Some call it the “forgotten holiday” but here at PTB, we love us some Flag Day! Yesterday, while enjoying a celebratory case of beer in honor of F.D., we were perusing the RGJ and nearly skidmarked our Underoos when we saw the pic, on page 1D. What, you say, was so bad that would lead to such a knee-jerk response? Two words – Flag. Ties. Aye caramba!



Back in the ‘90’s, The Newtster and his posse rolled out the “Contract With America.” It was a misogynistic, homophobic, xenophobic manifesto that propelled the far right to the halls of power. We’re still trying to recover from that fiasco. But that’s the crux of another biscuit.



One of the highlights of the tome, was a proposed constitutional amendment that would ban flag burning. Yeah, right. Like Newt Gingrich and his ilk are smarter than Jefferson, Franklin, Madison and the rest of our old-skewl motherhubbards. Not. It seemed like the republicans were more interested in protecting the U.S. flag from desecration than they were in protecting the Constitution from ill-advised amendments from BSC politicians.



But the far-right has wrapped itself in the S&S and proclaimed that anyone with different flag-related ideas was a commie-pinko, a terrorist, or worse – a Frenchman! Remember how they vilified Barry-O for not wearing a flag pin? Well…we’ve got news for the tighty-righties out there…y’all are wrong.



Section 8d of the U.S. Flag Code reads: "The flag should never be used as wearing apparel.” Yes, peoples, we do own a copy of the U.S. Flag Code. That’s how civics geeks roll. That means no flag pins for politicians, no flag patches for the PoPo and no flag ties for the unwashed (and un-educated) masses. Isn’t it ironic that the same people who swear to uphold the constitution are the same ones wanting to amend it for political gain – all while wearing the flag like it was a red white and blue corsage? Douchebags.



So, from us here at PTB...Happy belated Flag Day everyone…not that y’all needed any remindin’.



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Fast Start to the Work Week

Today, North Korea sentenced two American journalists to twelve years in prison for what amounts to trespassing. Aye caramba! Well, at least L’il Kim and the NoKo’s put their bad guys on trial. Americans, we just slap ‘em in Gitmo and let ‘em rot. Sad day when North Korea can claim the moral high ground on the U.S.

Today the Supreme Court ruled that “Don’t ask, don’t tell” could stay in place. Check it: You’re in a foxhole with your buddies. Y’all are taking fire from every direction. BOOM! BAM! BOOM! You’re in a fight for your life. Now, I ask you…do you really give a flyin’ rat’s ass if the other motherhubbards in the hole with you are gay or straight?

Judge Sotomayor busted her ankle on the way to D.C. today. Yo SoSo…can I sign your cast? Question: You think Newt, the Boner or Fat Boy have a well-hexed voodoo doll somewhere in their possession?

And finally today…Mondays are the most popular day to start a diet. No problem with that. If you’re one of the millions tryin’ to suppress your appetites today, we’ve got four words that’ll help. Ready? Here goes…

Susan. Boyle. Sex. Tape. YIKES!!! If that doesn’t make you lose your appetite, or, at least, make you blow chunks…you have what they call a “cast-iron stomach.”

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Thursday Think

A group of Republicans wants to re-brand their party. People don't like you? Just change your name! Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Eric Cantor and Nevada's own Senator John "Don't call me whitey" Ensign, make up the famous faces of the “National Council for a New America.” Quick hint for the tighty-righties: The “old” America was run by George W. Bush and his cronies. We’ve already got a new America and your hateful, war-mongering, racist, elitist, homophobic philosophies are dead. Our call? Soon, the Republican party will be sleeping with the fishes. Just like the Whigs.



Bristol Palin is the new teen spokesperson for the Candie’s Foundation. That’s a group promoting abstinence among the little folks. Tryin’ to get teens to abstain from sex is like tryin’ to stop a zebra from getting stripes. Not. Gonna. Happen. Making Bristol Palin the pie hole of the no sex movement is like getting Amy Winehouse to be the spokesperson for D.A.R.E.



Former Nevada FOOTIE coach NAME REDACTED'S lawsuit against the University of Nevada was tossed out by a judge yesterday. No jury trial for her. That’s Nevada justice for you…the little guy gets the shaft and the rich get the desired verdict. A quick observation: Since her dismissal from THE University of Nevada, the basketball team hasn’t made it to the NCAA Tournament, the football team hasn’t won a bowl game and the baseball team hasn’t seen a sliver of postseason play. Get used to it Nevada…you’ve angered the sporting Gods and they’re already smiting you.



And finally…remember when Chimp-Dick was all horny for Ethanol? When they started cranking up production of the stuff, they found that tortilla chip, corn flake and high fructose corn syrup prices were goin’ through the roof. That’s cause the corn was goin’ into gas tanks rather on to American plates. Check it: Scientists have just produced a race car that runs on…wait for it…wait for it…CHOCOLATE! Aye Caramba! The exhaust probably smells great but we fear the rise in the price of candy. We’ll just call it “Snickers Shock.”




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Limit-Less

Back in the 1990’s when the lunatic fringe swept into power, Newt Gingrich and his ilk came up with a load of crap called the “Contract With America.” One of the ideas in the contract was that of term limits. When we heard the words coming out of the Newtster’s lie-hole, our collective sphincters tightened so much you coulda put a lump of coal up our asses and we’d have shat diamonds…but that’s the crux of another biscuit.



Tighty-righties from coast to coast preached to a lethargic U.S. public about term limits and Americans bought it hook, line and sinker. Next thing you know, state after state (including Nevada) passed some form of term limits. We yelled. We cursed the heavens. We pointed out that we already had term limits – don’t like the politician? Vote the rat-bastard out of office! Alas, like most of our rants, no one listened.



But now, Senator Maurice Washington, a REPUBLICAN, wants to repeal the law on term limits. Why the change of heart? Right wing nut jobs nowadays are as popular as turd sandwiches. They’re not just worried that they’re losing votes, they’re worried that they might never win another election. Ever. So here’s the point we wanna make to Senator MoMo: If term limits are bad, why’d your party support them in the first place? Two elections in a row, a majority of Nevadans voted for term limits and now you wanna circumvent that process? Tell you what…you’re gonna be workin’ at the drive-thru pretty soon anyway ‘cause of those term limits. Why don’t you STFU and get down to business on the serious issues facing Nevada. Term limits aren’t one of ‘em.




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