Ace Hole

The story says that Nevada is among the worst states in the entire USo’A in the enforcement of payment of child support. Figures. How can you expect Reno-911 to be out there perp-walkin’ deadbeat dads when they’re so busy hasslin’ burners for burnin’, kids on skateboards and shopkeepers sellin’ hooch to 20-year-olds? SHEESH!


President Obama gave a speech to the nation’s youth today and the tighty-righties have their Underoos in a bunch. They say it is an indoctrination of our children into the ‘Bamer’s fascist ideology. Hey chucklenuts, if you actually could spell well enough to look up the word “fascism,” you’d know how BSC y’all sound for sayin’ it. Besides…could anything be worse for kids than My Pet Goat? Losers.


Obama advisor and “Green Czar” Van Jones resigned over the weekend ‘cause he said that the government-cheese was involved in 9/11 and he called republicans “assholes.” Well, he wears the kind of tinfoil hat that lets him believe that the Bush-Wipes could plan anything correctly, maybe he should have resigned. But calling republicans assholes…ummm…Didn’t Dick call a fellow member of the Senate a “fucker”? Oh yeah…and Dick is the one who still thinks Iraq had something to do with 9/11. Democrats say dumb things and have to resign…republicans say (and do) dumb things and they’re promoted to the head of the party. Be afraid tighty-righties…2010 is right around the corner and y’all are gonna get smoked like a Cuban cigar. Aye caramba!


And finally, a mea culpa. That’s right. I was wrrr…wrrr….wrong. Earlier this year I predicted that the Reno Aces were gonna fall flat on their, well…aces. Boy did I screw the pooch on that one. All summer long the Aces drew decent crowds, played pretty exciting baseball and proved the old adage…”When PTB makes his predictions, get rich by betting the other way.” True dat.

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Burnt Off Her Things

This weekend in the 775, one of the greatest events on the planet gets underway…Burning Man. It’s an annual orgy of art and music and mysticism and alcohol and drugs and dirt and boobies on the playa of the Nevada desert. If you get a chance, I highly recommend going. It’ll be the party of your lifetime. And if you do go, remember one thing: Reno-911 still thinks it’s 1950. They’ll be patrolling the area looking for really bad things like pot smokers, drunk people and girls showing off their niblets. I always found it frustrating that the PoPo spend so much time and effort and money bustin’ Burners for being…well for being Burners while the Jaycee Lee Dugards of the world have to fend for themselves. Aye caramba!


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Just Being Social (ist)

Here in the USo’A, we’ve socialized our military. After all, fighting the Brits, or the Krauts, or the Commies, or whoever is in the Enemy of the Month Club is a function so important; we need the juice of the Government to get the job done right.

Do you think Blackwater could do a better job than the US Army? I don’t.

We’ve socialized law enforcement. Catching perps and tossin’ ‘em in the Gray Bar Motel is such an important function that we’ve given the Government-Cheese the task of keeping us safe from the baddies. You know who I’m talkin’ ‘bout: Shopkeepers who sell alcohol to minors, ‘ho’s, stoners, college kids illegally downloading music…you know really bad guys.

Do you think Paul Blart or 21 Jump Street can do a better job than The real PoPo? I don’t.

I t just seems to me that if our safety, our security and our protection is so important to us that we have to trust the government to do it, why isn’t the health of our children that important too? How ‘bout the health and welfare of millions of senior citizens and people living in poverty? How ‘bout our own health? Change the system? The smart ones say HELL YES! The government can't be as bad as private companies. The airheads who spout right-wing talking points say HELL NO! After all, the government wouldn’t do nearly as good a job as big pharma, the health insurance industry or corporate, for-profit hospital chains.

Hell, and I always thought we had a government of the people for the people and by the people. Maybe we could just let big business run the government too? Oh yeah, I forgot…they already do. SHEESH!

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Miss(ed) Manners

Yesterday, the headline read, “Reaction Mixed to Troop Pullout” regarding U.S. troops leaving urban areas in Iraq. Back here at home there may be mixed reactions but if your butt was in a sling over there in The Suck, your only reaction would be HOORAY!



Saw a commercial today for a new-fangled phone-thingy. Pretty cool lookin’. Had a lot of apps. One question, though: WTF do you need friggin’ Guitar Hero on your phone for? Is it really possible to play Guitar Hero on a phone? Aye caramba!



Speakin’ of phones…there’s a new service out there that’ll answer any question you have if you text it to a certain number. That woulda been pretty cool say…back in the ‘80’s. But this is ought-9. Do you really need to spend .99 cents to get your question answered? Wouldn’t the Google be easier (and cheaper)?



And finally today…Reno City Councilwoman Sharon Zadra, “…asked Reno decision makers to look into a code of conduct for public places in downtown Reno that would monitor profane language and intimidating behavior….enhancing resident's and visitor's experiences while in Reno are the driving forces behind the idea.” You know what the driving force behind this BSC idea is? Sharon Zadra’s empty brainpan. Yo Councilwoman…who’s gonna enforce this law? Is my neighbor gonna rat me out to Reno-911 ‘cause I dropped an “F” Bomb on Virginia Street? Puh-Leeze. It’s this wagging the dog kind of crap that keeps our minds off of the drought, urban sprawl and the overall crappy state of our city. There’s a reason people dislike politicians -- this is one of ‘em.



(8.-)

Tortured Logic

Write it in stone…You can’t call yourself a Christian if you believe in torture. Period. In a story out today, evangelicals say they’re fighting their conscience about waterboarding prisoners. I know what you’re saying, “Evangelicals have a conscience?”


The spiel coming out of the lie-holes of right wing nut jobs is that a terrorist could have information of an imminent attack on America. They figure, if that’s the case, then torture the bastard to get the pertinent information. It’s called the “Jack Bauer-24” scenario. We have just one tiny problem with that…



FULL DISCLOSURE: Every time you watch “24” on FOX, we here at PTB make one million dollars!



The problem is that “24” is a goddamned television show! It has as much to do with real-life terrorism and interrogation as Reno-911 has to do with the Reno Police Department. Wait, bad example. Put it to you this way: fictionalized scenarios for television dramas have little or nothing to do with how those things would turn out in real life. It’s fiction. But the tighty-righties would have you believe that some fake-assed T.V. show is the real deal. Poppycock.



Fact: Torture doesn’t work.

Fact: Torture is a crime.

Fact: Americans torturing Muslims is a recruitment tool for al Qaeda.



So, if you consider yourself a Christian, you can't condone torture – you must condemn torture. Remember, you were taught to “turn the other cheek.” ‘Cause I’m pretty sure when JZeus said, “My cup runneth over.” He wasn’t talking about waterboarding.



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Like This and Like That

Wow, another chapter in the fiasco that is the marriage of Governor Jim and Dawn Gibbons. Every time a new story comes out about these two, it seems more fitting for the Jerry Springer Show than major metropolitan newspapers. What we don’t understand is that GJG says he’s gonna run for a second term in the State House. Huevos rancheros bro. The chances of him winning reelection are the same as our chances of getting’ some rebound poontang from Mrs. G. Yo Dawn…you know where we are, give us a holler! We can always hope, can’t we?

Defense Secretary Robert Gates says he wants to cut a bunch of unnecessary weapons systems from the Pentagon’s budget. You can bet the tighty-righties all over are getting’ their Underoos in a bunch over that one. The thing is…he’s right to do it. We’ve said it here before – WTF good is another aircraft carrier, a bunch of F-22’s or a missile defense system in fightin’ the terrorists? NONE! The only people these humongous military projects benefit are defense contractors. Anyone remember Ike’s warning about the “military-industrial complex"? We do.

There’s no getting around the fact that Guy Felton likes to cheese-off politicians. He’s been doin’ it for years. Now comes the twist. Felton has been sending some pretty nasty e-mails to Washoe County Commissioner David Humke. No, not the kinds that promise one pill that can enlarge your breasts and penis while growing you a full head of hair. Felton blasted off a couple of tirades threatening to bust some ass and that’s where Reno 911 stepped in. The PoPo arrested Felton and charged him with harassment and stalking. Here’s our beef with this one: There’s a little thingy on e-mail accounts that lets you block certain senders. So, why didn’t Humke just block Felton’s e-mail addy? Our thought is that Felton is such a turd in the Commission’s punch bowl that they wanted him tossed in the hoosegow. Question. Is that how elected officials in the 775 treat dissent? Wow, maybe America is turning into a socialist nation. Note to the Washoe County Commission: When you vote on projects, you never seem to think about the people of Northern Nevada. Why give a shit when you get an e-mail from one of ‘us?

And finally…yesterday, Vermont became the fourth state (behind Connecticut, Massachusetts and Iowa) to legalize gay marriage. That sound you hear? It’s not JZeus’ Dad making the sinners pay. It’s not the Lord’s fury unleashed at this “abomination” like Jerry Falwell would like you to believe. As far as we can tell, the Invisible Man in the Sky has been quite mum on the subject. No, that sound you hear is the collective sphincters of all the religious nut-jobs, homophobes and bible thumpers tightening to the point of rupture. Sorry guys…you lose.

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Back in Black

Huzzah! For the first time in recent memory, the University of Nevada athletic department made the right call – they promoted assistant coach David Carter to replace departing head basketball coach Mark Fox. Aye Caramba! Now we’ll have to change Nevada’s nickname from “The Whitest University West of Utah” to “See…We’ve Got One Brown-Skinded Brother on Staff!” Anyway…


We wish coach Carter and the Wolf Pack all the best in the upcoming seasons. We’ve got a sneaking hunch that they’re gonna rub a butt on the record books. However, we do wanna point out a couple of things to look for now that Nevada basketball has a new head coach…did we mention he’s BLACK?



Firstly, cheerleaders will no longer be able to ride the bus with the team to away games. This will prevent Reno-911 from arresting coach Carter for violating the Mann Act.



Nevada will finally have to change their archaic pre-game music mix. Deleted? “Welcome to the Jungle.” Added? “Play that Funky Music White Boy.”



And finally…we’re gonna re-name Nevada’s mascot. “Alphie” sounds like the little kid that always got atomic wedgies in junior high school. From now on, the Nevada mascot will have a different name. His new nom de plume? “Hoop Doggy Dogg.”




(8.-)

To Whom Much is Given, Much is Required

We’re tryin’ to wrap our brainpans around this:

If a brown-skinded brotherhubbard gets popped by Reno-911 ‘cause he’s totin’ ‘round a couple of ganja bags in the trunk of his hoopty…poor dude is lookin’ at a couple o’ dozen years in the Gray Bar Motel. After all, life’s problems can be traced directly back to the “Evil Weed.”

A couple of weeks ago a local sawbones copped to writing fake ‘scripts for a couple of pole dancers. His penalty? A $2,000 fine and disciplinary action from the State Medical Board. Aye Caramba! Nice work if you can get it doc. Aren’t doctors supposed to get women with their intellect?




So here’s the crux of today’s biscuit: Kids, if you wanna roll in the high falutin’ world of dealing drugs…STAY IN SCHOOL. Better to get busted pushing as an M.D. or as a right-wing smear merchant or as one of the skeevy Olson twins than getting popped bein’ a minority selling grass. Do the crime; do the time…unless you’re whitey.




(8.-)

Labor Day Liturgy

We could see it if John McCain would’ve picked With Romney or Rudi-In-The-Booty as his VP. But by picking Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, one smokin’ hot “VPILF”, it seems like the GOP is giving up on the November elections. If the tighty-righties wanted a grrl for the number two spot, they’d have been better off pickin’ Condi. BTW…has there ever been more rocket hot women in politics than right now? We think not.

According to a report from the Rand Corporation, “Current U.S. strategy against the terrorist group al Qaida has not been successful in significantly undermining the group's capabilities. Al Qaida has been involved in more terrorist attacks since Sept. 11, 2001, than it was during its prior history and the group's attacks since then have spanned an increasingly broader range of targets in Europe, Asia, the Middle East and Africa.” Here at PTB, we’ve been sayin’ that exact same thing for more than a half a decade. Regular readers can now, officially, look down their noses at the unwashed masses.

So, Sparks Middle School has gone Borg. Funny...while we’re big fans of the schoolgirl look here at PTB, we’ve gotta ask: “Isn’t that the very same thing those Godless Commie rat-bastard North Koreans do to their kids? Yup.

Last week, Reno-911 busted some poor Rasta for drugs while he was on his way to Burning Man. They can't catch the murders or the arsonists or the robbers out there on the loose but they spend their time and effort and our money bustin' Bob Marley wannabes for weed. Way to protect and serve.

Well…it’s Labor Day weekend and y’all know what that means. No, we’re not talkin’ ‘bout a three day weekend. Heck, we live in the 775. Most of the folks up here got jobs that don’t give a schizzle what day it is. No, we’re talkin’ ‘bout the Jerry Lewis labor Day MDA Telethon.

FULL DISCLOSURE: This year’ll be the 12^th Telethon we’ve been involved with.

The crux of today’s biscuit is simple…The “greatest country on earth” can spend ten BILLION dollars a month blowin’ up brown-skinded innocent folk. Yet, to cure this heinous disease that affects millions of Americans, the good ole USoA relies on France’s favorite comedian to raise money. That just doesn’t seem right.

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clASS Warfare

Is the Nevada’s criminal justice system fair to the little guys? Does Nevada’s criminal justice system give preferential treatment to “big fish?” Check it…


Two blue-haired card dealers were arrested over the weekend. One was busted for placing a losing bet he had a stake in as a tip on a winning hand. Total cost of the theft? Nine dollars. The other dealer was accused of adding chips to his rack during a poker tournament. Total loss? ‘Bout twenty bucks. If convicted, the two face one to eight years in the calaboose. Pretty stiff time for $28.


Then there’s Jason McLean. This rat-bastard was convicted of embezzling almost $10,000 from a dead woman’s trust. He was accused of stealing more than $16,000 from a total of three trusts. McLean copped a plea and got…wait for it…wait for it….he got 120 days and PROBATION! So, who is Jason McLean? He’s the former public administrator of Lyon County. That’s right, a public servant, a politician, a big fish from a small pond.


So, the crux of today’s biscuit is simple. If you’re in the 775 and Reno-911 rolls up, you’d better hope you’ve got some juice pachuco. If not, be prepared to spend some time in little Gitmo.

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Draggin' Ass

Reno 911’s gonna spend time, effort resources and money to stop…get this…illegal drag racing! They seem to think it’s the scourge of the 775. Do you know how much that’s gonna cost? Lots. All to bust the Fast and the Furious. Tell you what guys…here’s how you bust illegal drag racers.

Go to a 7-11 on a Saturday night and wait for a souped-up rice rocket to roll in. When the driver asks for $120 in premium gas and two tanks of nitrous oxide…you’re close. Then, look out into the parking lot and when you see a hoopty full of drunked out skeezers yellin’ “GO GREASED LIGHTNIN”!!! You’ve got ‘em…cheap and easy.

As for us…we think there are better ways for the PoPo to spend their time and effort…like bringing Brianna justice. Guess it’s much easier bustin’ Mario Andretti than it is to catch a killer. Easy? Yes. High priority? No.

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Jail Broke

Yeah, yeah…we know money is tight, but this state budget crisis is BSC. Have you heard the latest great idea to come out of Carson City? They wanna close down several prisons to save money. WTF is up with that? Whatever happened to Nevada’s overcrowded prison population? Are they gonna let a bunch of crazy motherhubbards out on the streets to save a few bucks?

State prisons chief Howard Skolnik says that inmates could be absorbed at other prisons. Hmmm. That’ll surely solve the problem Howie! Question: Why build a new prison down in the 702 (projected completion date 2010) instead of keeping the ones here in the 775 open?

Funny, when the Government-Cheese runs out of money they immediately start cutting back on stuff like education, public safety and help for the poor. Here’s a solution GJG: Why don’t we cut the position of Governor to save money? It’s not like the one we have now is worth anything. Heck, we could even rent out the Governor’s mansion for birthday parties, bar mitzvahs and weddings so we can put a few more dead presidents in state coffers. Whadda ya think?

(8.-)

Smokin' Aces

Funny, we thought it was ILLEGAL to smoke marijuana in the 775. If you hadn’t noticed, we rolled over to the Rush concert in downtown Reno Saturday night. Longtime readers know that we think Rush is the best thing to come out of the Great White North since Dudley-Do-Right’s woman. ANYWAY…


When the lights dimmed and the show started, a plume of smoke started risin’ above the crowd. It looked like someone dropped a nuke. WHOOSH! There was so much smoke between the stage and our seats it actually distorted the light coming from the strobe lights…or maybe that was a secondhand buzz? Hell, it looked like the fog rollin’ in off the SFBay. But here’s the crux of our biscuit…


Why were the cops not bustin’ those hemp-lovin’, tie-died, hippy freaks? Were they givin’ the pot-heads their tacit approval? Was Reno-911 waiting for ‘em to get out on the streets and pop a cap in someone? Kill a cop? Or just go generally BSC like EVERYONE does when exposed to the killer evil weed?


Look folks…this “wink, wink, nod, nod” shit needs to stop. There are thousands of people incarcerated here in the 775 for possession of the ganja. There are so many tokers in the hoosegow that the prison system is at the breaking point. So, are y’all gonna stay rutted in your hypocritical ways and selectively imprison stoners? Or are you gonna wake up and realize that marijuana is no more dangerous than aspirin and a LOT less dangerous than alcohol or tobacco?


We figure that if all those people were smokin’ blunts and there weren’t any big problems…what’s the big problem? On the other hand, if the schnizzle is illegal...it should be illegal everywhere. It would have made for a lonely concert…but at least, we could have seen the stage.

(8.-)

Travesty at Sweet Leaf High

Uh oh…another high-profile pot bust. Yeah...it's not like anyone is surprised that a D.J. would toke a spliff.

You’d think that LyCo-911 would have bigger fish to fry than dope smokin’ hippies...Guess not.

Here at PTB, it puzzles us how you can come home from a hard day’s work and relax by:

Slammin’ a dozen Tequila shooters,

smokin’ a pack of Camels and...

poppin’ a handful of ‘scripted V’s ...but god FORBID you twist up a blunt.

Have you read your Bible?

Do you know who John D. Rockefeller was?

Have you ever heard of "Hemp For Victory"?

At least, Travis T. didn't go all hypocritical on us like Walter Floyd.

When they say they love America...They're LYING!!!!!

(8.-)

Hot August Frights

Were you there? No. Of course you weren't. NO ONE WAS!


Saturday night in downtown was emptier than the space between WPE's ears!


There were more WMD's in Iraq than there were tourists in downtown Reno!


It was so quiet downtown that you could hear a pin drop. But if you were the one dropping the pin, Reno 911 would have perp-walked you to the hoosegow for "Gang Related Activity".


So...the chicken-shit, pink-assed crackers that are the powers that be in the 775 got their wish. No Saturday night cruise. The blowback of it all is that in 20 years, the same brown-skinded brothers you chased off will be HAN'ers themselves...only they won't be coming to Reno...that's 'cause they weren't welcome here in 2007.


It's a travesty.

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