What Will the Evil Empire Do About This?

Gotta tell ya folks, someone woke up the Progressives. Whadda you think Karl Rove and the Teabaggers are gonna do about this? Ya just know politics is tough when you have to bust Andy Griffith's chops. True story.

Why Teabaggers Can Bite Me

They're not chanting "Beat L.A!

They're not chanting "WOLF!..."PACK!"

They're not chanting "Boston Sucks!"

No, this is the kind of stuff that unites Americans. Something you bass-ackward, hatemongering, hypocritical, fascist, racist, xenophobic, soccer-hatin', can't spell, cracker-assed crackers know nothing about.

Yanks v Black Stars tomorrow at 11a. 'Til then...a little something to make you realize we are all Sam's Army. Courtesy of Robby Donoho. WOOT!

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The Stories of His Demise...

I remember it like it was yesterday. During a near-meltdown at the Springfield nuclear power plant, an automatic shutdown computer was flashing the following message: To avoid meltdown, press any key. Homer, the safety inspector on duty, was apoplectic, “Any key? Where’s the ‘any’ key? I can’t find the ‘any’ key!” And that about sums up the Republican result in last night’s Nevada GOP Senate primary.

You see, a couple of months ago, people were sayin’ that Harry Reid’s career was sleeping with the fishes. The bobbleheads on television were already saying that anyone could beat Reid in the general election. Then the republicans went out and got…anyone. They got “Tark the Shark’s” son…they got the Chicken Lady…they got the only politician in Nevada who supports, get this, BANNING SALES OF ALCOHOL. Aye caramba!

The three tighty-righties fought each other and called each other names and in the end there was only one winner. Sharron “Wacky” Angle…she of the “No alcohol should be sold in Nevada” meme. So, sometime last night Harry Reid’s career rolled over in its grave, climbed out of the hole and is now prepared to go full-fledged zombie on Angle’s Teabaggin’ self. The talking heads thought anyone could beat Reid in the general election. That was yesterday. Today it’s a whole different story.

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Boy oh Boy

Wow, the US Army sure has it bad lately. Not just ‘cause Chimp Dick sent ‘em and Barry-O is keepin’ ‘em in the “unwinnable suck,” but because they’re having a hard time recruiting soldiers. You see, a few years back, to stock up bodies for Afghanistan and Iraq, the Army had to loosen its standards for lettin’ people in. They let in felons, and dope fiends…hell, they let everyone in but the gays. Anyway, now the “Be All That You Can Be” crowd is losing recruits ‘cause American teens are too fat. Aye caramba! You mean you can’t slim down the doughboys and girls with a little boot camp ass-whoopin? Guess not.

Some say the problem lies with parents who find it easier to babysit little Billy with a Twinkie and television rather than real parenting. Some are calling on manufacturers to cut the amount of salt in processed foods. Hmmm…you don’t hear the Teabaggers moanin’ about THAT government overreach, do you? But I’m not pointing the finger in that direction. No, I put the blame for America’s flabby kids square on the shoulders of…the Boy Scouts.

That’s right, the Boy Scouts of America are responsible for the fattening of our youth. How do I know? Last week the BSA announced they were awarding a new merit badge for…get this…video games. Aye caramba! Once the bastion of everything outdoors – from whittling and fire making to killing a bear with dental floss, the Boy Scouts now award kids for sitting on their asses. What’s next, a merit badge for television trivia?

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Wednesday Thought Burbles

I don’t get it…some douchebag politician wants to hold Congressional hearings into why the Pentagon dis-invited Franklin Graham, Billy Graham’s, son to National Prayer Day. DAMN…doesn’t Congress have anything better to do? Yes…but that doesn’t mean they’re gonna do it. It’s all about posturing for the next election. Sad. But my question is a bit different: WTF does the Pentagon need with a National Prayer day? I don’t want my soldiers to be praying to God. I want them to be blowin’ the bejeezus outta things and killing bad guys. They should leave the praying to the chaplains…and Franklin Graham.

That oil spill out in the gulf of Mexico is now the size of West Virginia and getting bigger. It’s heading straight for Louisiana and Mississippi. Maybe Jerry Falwell was right. God is unleashing Hell on those poor folks ‘cause of all the gayness in New Orleans. Nah…Jerry Falwell has never been right. I’ll tell you one thing, this spill is gonna fuck up things for a long time. Hmmm…I wonder if Caribou Barbie can see the sunken oil rig from her house? Yo VPILF, how’s that “drill baby drill-thingy” goin for ya?

And finally today, a little bit about the Teabaggers. A lot has been written about how those tighty-righties are racist, cracker-assed-crackers. Well, we’ve got a foolproof way to find that out now. How? You’ve seen tea parties all over the place; people wavin’ signs and placards that say stuff like “No big government” and “Keep the government out of healthcare.” That stance is a civil libertarian stance and I understand it. So, why don’t you hear a peep out of the Teabaggers when it comes to the AZ’s draconian immigration law? Not a peep. If the Teabaggers don’t stand, in unison, and demand the repeal of Arizona’s immigration law, they’re nuthin’ but a bunch of hypocritical, racist, xenophobic, rat-bastards.

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No Guv Love

Well, he’s doin’ it. Governor Jim “I Did Not Text That Woman” Gibbons has decided to go for it and sue the Feds over the new healthcare bill. GJG says the bill is unconstitutional. I know what you’re saying…”Jim Gibbons has read the Constitution?” Probably not…but he’s goin’ through with it anyway. This, even after Nevada Attorney General Catherine Cortez-Masto said she wouldn’t file suit. Here’s my problem with all this…

Since a lawsuit against the Feds won’t work, I figure Jimmy-Wiggles is just doin’ this to show off his Teabagger bona fides. After all, he’s running for reelection and he’s about as popular right now as redundant root canal surgery. That being said, he needs the Teabaggers a lot more than they need him. But what really chaps my ass is the fact that he’s using State money to pursue a purely political venture that doesn’t help the state of Nevada in any way. Yo Guv…you’ve wasted three years of taxpayer money by taking a salary. When you were supposed to be workin’, you were letting your little head think for your big head. Now, in the middle of our state’s financial clusterfuck, you’re gonna spend our tax money on this boondoggle. Aye caramba! No worries Jim…you’ll be out on your ass soon enough. Problem is…today wouldn’t be soon enough. True dat!

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Happy Belated Re-Birthday JZeus!

Since this weekend was a high-holy weekend, I figured it was best to hold my blasphemy ‘til afterward. Just coverin’ my ass in case JZeus’ Dad was in a pissy mood. Anyway…

Looks like the Catholic Church is in the news again. Ah yes, the gift that keeps on giving! Critics of the Church are sayin’ that the Pope knew all about the past abuse of 2,000 deaf kids and was instrumental in covering it up. Critics want JoRatz’s head on a platter but the Church fired back. PoBen’s personal preacher said the attacks on the church were akin to the persecution of the Jews back in WWII. First thing that came to my mind was…The Pope has a personal preacher? Aye caramba! Does anyone else see the irony in the fact that JZeus’ emissary on earth needs his own preacher? Secondly…blaming the media for reporting this story is like blaming the sun for your sunburn. Hey guys…take some personal responsibility, will ya? Blaming the media just makes you sound like the Teabaggers.

And lastly…If the guy covering up all this sexual abuse had been a CEO of a company or some such thing, he’d have been perp-walked to the Gray Bar Motel faster than Jesse James droppin’ his pants at a tattoo parlor. But the Pontiff’s defenders say that he’s untouchable because he’s a head of state. Funny…I thought he was untouchable ‘cause he’s the SOG’s main rep. But here’s the crux of that biscuit. Saddam Hussein, Slobodan Milosevic and Adolph Hitler were all heads of state. Now y’all remember what we did to those rat-bastards. That’s right…we JFKed ‘em. Heck-fire…we went after Slick Willie for lying about a consensual hummer. So, if JoRatz is found to have been complicit in this heinous crime…he should be prosecuted. Problem is...I’m betting no one has the huevos rancheros to do it. I KNEW I should’ve gone to law school. If it wasn’t for all the reading and words and comprehension and stuff, I would have.

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