Thursday, May 7, 2009

Thursday Think

A group of Republicans wants to re-brand their party. People don't like you? Just change your name! Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Eric Cantor and Nevada's own Senator John "Don't call me whitey" Ensign, make up the famous faces of the “National Council for a New America.” Quick hint for the tighty-righties: The “old” America was run by George W. Bush and his cronies. We’ve already got a new America and your hateful, war-mongering, racist, elitist, homophobic philosophies are dead. Our call? Soon, the Republican party will be sleeping with the fishes. Just like the Whigs.

Bristol Palin is the new teen spokesperson for the Candie’s Foundation. That’s a group promoting abstinence among the little folks. Tryin’ to get teens to abstain from sex is like tryin’ to stop a zebra from getting stripes. Not. Gonna. Happen. Making Bristol Palin the pie hole of the no sex movement is like getting Amy Winehouse to be the spokesperson for D.A.R.E.

Former Nevada FOOTIE coach NAME REDACTED'S lawsuit against the University of Nevada was tossed out by a judge yesterday. No jury trial for her. That’s Nevada justice for you…the little guy gets the shaft and the rich get the desired verdict. A quick observation: Since her dismissal from THE University of Nevada, the basketball team hasn’t made it to the NCAA Tournament, the football team hasn’t won a bowl game and the baseball team hasn’t seen a sliver of postseason play. Get used to it Nevada…you’ve angered the sporting Gods and they’re already smiting you.

And finally…remember when Chimp-Dick was all horny for Ethanol? When they started cranking up production of the stuff, they found that tortilla chip, corn flake and high fructose corn syrup prices were goin’ through the roof. That’s cause the corn was goin’ into gas tanks rather on to American plates. Check it: Scientists have just produced a race car that runs on…wait for it…wait for it…CHOCOLATE! Aye Caramba! The exhaust probably smells great but we fear the rise in the price of candy. We’ll just call it “Snickers Shock.”


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