Papers or Plastic

So I’m sittin’ in front of the tube last night, tryin’ to get my pea brain around this new Arizona immigration law, when the Military Channel pops on an episode of The World at War. It’s a twenty-something part documentary on WWII. This particular episode covered the rise of the Nazi Party in the mid-30’s. And then, it hit me…

The WAW narrator started talkin’ about what the Nazis did when they took over. The first thing they did was vilify the press calling it “liberal” and “anti-German.” Sound familiar? Then the Nazis outlawed all unions. Ya see where I’m goin’ with this?

Next, Hitler’s goons started rounding up intellectuals (elitists) and immigrants (dark-skinded brothers and sisters) and sendin’ ‘em off to the gulags. The Nazi regime explained that Germany was an infallible country, ordained by God to rule the world.

Now I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, but it seems that the right-wing nut cases here in the USo’A, Inc., surely look and sound and act a lot like the Nazis of WWII. Don’t believe me? Tighty-righties routinely rag on the “liberal media.” The only people they trust on the tube are Faux News and Hee Haw. They’re anti-union, they pooh-pooh intellectuals and blame every problem in their lives on illegal immigration. I’m tellin’ y’all…this is gonna get interesting…but not in a good way. Mark my words.

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Chicken Dance

U.S. Senate candidate Sue Lowden is getting’ the Silver State a lot pub lately by saying people could pay their doctors with, get this, live chickens. As you can imagine the liberal, elitist media jumped all over that line. No surprise that Lowden has been vilified everywhere from the Rachel Maddow show to the Tonight Show to the Colbert Report. But here at PTB, we kinda like the idea. Bartering has been around since the beginning, so what’s the big deal? Wouldn’t it be great if you could pay your proctologist with poultry? Pretty sweet, neh? Problem is…what do you use to buy the chicken?

News out of Nepal says that the Sherpas won’t allow the ashes of Sir Edmund Hillary to be sprinkled on Mount Everest. Apparently, they consider Everest some kind of holy place. Yo Nepal! If the place is so friggin holy, how come the mountain is littered with crap like oxygen tanks, tents and dead bodies? Aye caramba! Ya know, if it wasn’t for SHE puttin’ y’all on the map, y’all would still be livin’ in the fourteenth century. Oh wait, you are. Nevermind.

Happy Earth Day dear Earth… Happy Earth Day dear Earth… Happy Earth Day dear Earrrrrrth…Happy Earth Day to Youuuuuuuu! Ya know, here on Earth Day I got to thinkin’. I wonder if Sarah Palin can see the burning oil platform from her house? So, how IS that drill baby drill-thingy goin for ya Caribou Barbie?

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The Way it is

I've been doin' television for a long time. And do you know what the funniest part of this George Carlin riff is? At one time or another I've used every single one of these words and phrases. True story. We miss you George!!!!

Us No Sense

Maybe it's 'cause I grew up in a trailer. Maybe it's cause now I'm livin' in a basement. Either way, I think the government-cheese sent me the wrong 2010 Census form. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those Teabaggin'-types who thinks the census will be used to monitor the voices in my head. But still...I think they got a bit too personal.

PTB's 2010 Census Form



Last name: _______________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
( ) Billy-Bob
( ) Billy-Joe
( ) Billy-Ray
( ) Billy-Sue
( ) Billy-Mae
( ) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
( ) Booger
( ) Bubba
( ) Junior
( ) Sissy
( ) Other____________

Age:____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure
Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:(Check appropriate box)
( ) Farmer
( ) Mechanic
( ) Hair Dresser
( ) Unemployed
( ) Dirty Politician
( ) Preacher

Spouse's Name:_____________
2nd Spouse's Name:_______________
3rd Spouse's Name:_______________
Lover's Name:_______________

Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)
( ) Sister
( ) Brother
( ) Aunt
( ) Uncle
( ) Cousin
( ) Mother
( ) Father
( ) Son
( ) Daughter
( ) Pet

Number of children living in the home:_____
Number of the children living in the shed:_____
Number that are yours:_____

Mother's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

(Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own:___
Number of vehicles that still crank:___
Number of vehicles in front yard:___
Number of vehicles in the back yard:___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____truck
____bedroom
____bathroom
____kitchen
____shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196_

Do you have a gun rack?
( ) Yes ( ) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
( ) The National Enquirer
( ) The Globe
( ) TV Guide
( ) Soap Opera Digest
( ) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:___
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:____

How often do you bathe?
( ) Weekly
( ) Monthly
( ) Not Applicable

Color of eyes:
Left_____ Right_____

Color of hair:
( ) Blond
( ) Black
( ) Red
( ) Brown
( ) White
( ) Clairol

Color of teeth:
( ) White
( ) Yellow
( ) Brownish-Yellow
( ) Brown
( ) Black
( ) N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
( ) Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
( ) 1 mile
( ) 2 miles
( ) just a whoop-and-a-holler
( ) road?

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Lunga Calcio Live!

There's a reason soccer is the most popular sport in the world. And there's a reason Brazil is home to the greatest soccer players in the world. Question: Is the "Kissing the Ring" celebration even allowed in Italy?

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Song for a Depressing Weekend

What can I say? Springtime seems so far away.

No Guv Love

Well, he’s doin’ it. Governor Jim “I Did Not Text That Woman” Gibbons has decided to go for it and sue the Feds over the new healthcare bill. GJG says the bill is unconstitutional. I know what you’re saying…”Jim Gibbons has read the Constitution?” Probably not…but he’s goin’ through with it anyway. This, even after Nevada Attorney General Catherine Cortez-Masto said she wouldn’t file suit. Here’s my problem with all this…

Since a lawsuit against the Feds won’t work, I figure Jimmy-Wiggles is just doin’ this to show off his Teabagger bona fides. After all, he’s running for reelection and he’s about as popular right now as redundant root canal surgery. That being said, he needs the Teabaggers a lot more than they need him. But what really chaps my ass is the fact that he’s using State money to pursue a purely political venture that doesn’t help the state of Nevada in any way. Yo Guv…you’ve wasted three years of taxpayer money by taking a salary. When you were supposed to be workin’, you were letting your little head think for your big head. Now, in the middle of our state’s financial clusterfuck, you’re gonna spend our tax money on this boondoggle. Aye caramba! No worries Jim…you’ll be out on your ass soon enough. Problem is…today wouldn’t be soon enough. True dat!

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Happy Belated Re-Birthday JZeus!

Since this weekend was a high-holy weekend, I figured it was best to hold my blasphemy ‘til afterward. Just coverin’ my ass in case JZeus’ Dad was in a pissy mood. Anyway…

Looks like the Catholic Church is in the news again. Ah yes, the gift that keeps on giving! Critics of the Church are sayin’ that the Pope knew all about the past abuse of 2,000 deaf kids and was instrumental in covering it up. Critics want JoRatz’s head on a platter but the Church fired back. PoBen’s personal preacher said the attacks on the church were akin to the persecution of the Jews back in WWII. First thing that came to my mind was…The Pope has a personal preacher? Aye caramba! Does anyone else see the irony in the fact that JZeus’ emissary on earth needs his own preacher? Secondly…blaming the media for reporting this story is like blaming the sun for your sunburn. Hey guys…take some personal responsibility, will ya? Blaming the media just makes you sound like the Teabaggers.

And lastly…If the guy covering up all this sexual abuse had been a CEO of a company or some such thing, he’d have been perp-walked to the Gray Bar Motel faster than Jesse James droppin’ his pants at a tattoo parlor. But the Pontiff’s defenders say that he’s untouchable because he’s a head of state. Funny…I thought he was untouchable ‘cause he’s the SOG’s main rep. But here’s the crux of that biscuit. Saddam Hussein, Slobodan Milosevic and Adolph Hitler were all heads of state. Now y’all remember what we did to those rat-bastards. That’s right…we JFKed ‘em. Heck-fire…we went after Slick Willie for lying about a consensual hummer. So, if JoRatz is found to have been complicit in this heinous crime…he should be prosecuted. Problem is...I’m betting no one has the huevos rancheros to do it. I KNEW I should’ve gone to law school. If it wasn’t for all the reading and words and comprehension and stuff, I would have.

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