Pray Day

In case you didn’t know, every year since 1952, the President of the United States of America, Inc. has declared May 6th National Prayer Day. Worst. Idea. Ever.

“If the Gods listened to the prayers of men, all humankind would quickly perish for they constantly pray for many evils to befall one another.” – Epicurus, Greek philosopher, BC 341-270

Love me some Greek philosophy. And EZ-E has a point there.

Think about it. If the Invisible Man in the Sky REALLY answered prayers, Catholic priests could still have NAMBLA sex and no one would know about it, Sarah Palin would be President and every team would win the Super Bowl every year. Not. Gonna. Happen.

C’mon…deep down, everyone knows prayer is about as effective as voodoo. Still, the politicians give it a rusty trombone every year on this day. Today Barry-O said, “I call upon the citizens of our Nation to pray, or otherwise give thanks, in accordance with their own faiths and consciences, for our many freedoms and blessings…” Really?

Do you think B-Rock really wants Satanists to conjure up Beelzebub or Animists to give a shout out to the paving stones in their back yard? No. C’mon America, it’s the 21st Century. As long as we, as a country, wallow in these primitive, tribal, bass-ackward, rituals, we’re never gonna get our problems solved. But if we got rid of National Prayer Day, we’d be solving one problem. True story.

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Boy oh Boy

Wow, the US Army sure has it bad lately. Not just ‘cause Chimp Dick sent ‘em and Barry-O is keepin’ ‘em in the “unwinnable suck,” but because they’re having a hard time recruiting soldiers. You see, a few years back, to stock up bodies for Afghanistan and Iraq, the Army had to loosen its standards for lettin’ people in. They let in felons, and dope fiends…hell, they let everyone in but the gays. Anyway, now the “Be All That You Can Be” crowd is losing recruits ‘cause American teens are too fat. Aye caramba! You mean you can’t slim down the doughboys and girls with a little boot camp ass-whoopin? Guess not.

Some say the problem lies with parents who find it easier to babysit little Billy with a Twinkie and television rather than real parenting. Some are calling on manufacturers to cut the amount of salt in processed foods. Hmmm…you don’t hear the Teabaggers moanin’ about THAT government overreach, do you? But I’m not pointing the finger in that direction. No, I put the blame for America’s flabby kids square on the shoulders of…the Boy Scouts.

That’s right, the Boy Scouts of America are responsible for the fattening of our youth. How do I know? Last week the BSA announced they were awarding a new merit badge for…get this…video games. Aye caramba! Once the bastion of everything outdoors – from whittling and fire making to killing a bear with dental floss, the Boy Scouts now award kids for sitting on their asses. What’s next, a merit badge for television trivia?

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Man's (and Dog's) Best Friend

Why Arizona Should Secede

Wednesday Thought Burbles

I don’t get it…some douchebag politician wants to hold Congressional hearings into why the Pentagon dis-invited Franklin Graham, Billy Graham’s, son to National Prayer Day. DAMN…doesn’t Congress have anything better to do? Yes…but that doesn’t mean they’re gonna do it. It’s all about posturing for the next election. Sad. But my question is a bit different: WTF does the Pentagon need with a National Prayer day? I don’t want my soldiers to be praying to God. I want them to be blowin’ the bejeezus outta things and killing bad guys. They should leave the praying to the chaplains…and Franklin Graham.

That oil spill out in the gulf of Mexico is now the size of West Virginia and getting bigger. It’s heading straight for Louisiana and Mississippi. Maybe Jerry Falwell was right. God is unleashing Hell on those poor folks ‘cause of all the gayness in New Orleans. Nah…Jerry Falwell has never been right. I’ll tell you one thing, this spill is gonna fuck up things for a long time. Hmmm…I wonder if Caribou Barbie can see the sunken oil rig from her house? Yo VPILF, how’s that “drill baby drill-thingy” goin for ya?

And finally today, a little bit about the Teabaggers. A lot has been written about how those tighty-righties are racist, cracker-assed-crackers. Well, we’ve got a foolproof way to find that out now. How? You’ve seen tea parties all over the place; people wavin’ signs and placards that say stuff like “No big government” and “Keep the government out of healthcare.” That stance is a civil libertarian stance and I understand it. So, why don’t you hear a peep out of the Teabaggers when it comes to the AZ’s draconian immigration law? Not a peep. If the Teabaggers don’t stand, in unison, and demand the repeal of Arizona’s immigration law, they’re nuthin’ but a bunch of hypocritical, racist, xenophobic, rat-bastards.

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Papers or Plastic

So I’m sittin’ in front of the tube last night, tryin’ to get my pea brain around this new Arizona immigration law, when the Military Channel pops on an episode of The World at War. It’s a twenty-something part documentary on WWII. This particular episode covered the rise of the Nazi Party in the mid-30’s. And then, it hit me…

The WAW narrator started talkin’ about what the Nazis did when they took over. The first thing they did was vilify the press calling it “liberal” and “anti-German.” Sound familiar? Then the Nazis outlawed all unions. Ya see where I’m goin’ with this?

Next, Hitler’s goons started rounding up intellectuals (elitists) and immigrants (dark-skinded brothers and sisters) and sendin’ ‘em off to the gulags. The Nazi regime explained that Germany was an infallible country, ordained by God to rule the world.

Now I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, but it seems that the right-wing nut cases here in the USo’A, Inc., surely look and sound and act a lot like the Nazis of WWII. Don’t believe me? Tighty-righties routinely rag on the “liberal media.” The only people they trust on the tube are Faux News and Hee Haw. They’re anti-union, they pooh-pooh intellectuals and blame every problem in their lives on illegal immigration. I’m tellin’ y’all…this is gonna get interesting…but not in a good way. Mark my words.

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Chicken Dance

U.S. Senate candidate Sue Lowden is getting’ the Silver State a lot pub lately by saying people could pay their doctors with, get this, live chickens. As you can imagine the liberal, elitist media jumped all over that line. No surprise that Lowden has been vilified everywhere from the Rachel Maddow show to the Tonight Show to the Colbert Report. But here at PTB, we kinda like the idea. Bartering has been around since the beginning, so what’s the big deal? Wouldn’t it be great if you could pay your proctologist with poultry? Pretty sweet, neh? Problem is…what do you use to buy the chicken?

News out of Nepal says that the Sherpas won’t allow the ashes of Sir Edmund Hillary to be sprinkled on Mount Everest. Apparently, they consider Everest some kind of holy place. Yo Nepal! If the place is so friggin holy, how come the mountain is littered with crap like oxygen tanks, tents and dead bodies? Aye caramba! Ya know, if it wasn’t for SHE puttin’ y’all on the map, y’all would still be livin’ in the fourteenth century. Oh wait, you are. Nevermind.

Happy Earth Day dear Earth… Happy Earth Day dear Earth… Happy Earth Day dear Earrrrrrth…Happy Earth Day to Youuuuuuuu! Ya know, here on Earth Day I got to thinkin’. I wonder if Sarah Palin can see the burning oil platform from her house? So, how IS that drill baby drill-thingy goin for ya Caribou Barbie?

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The Way it is

I've been doin' television for a long time. And do you know what the funniest part of this George Carlin riff is? At one time or another I've used every single one of these words and phrases. True story. We miss you George!!!!