Friday Night Frights

There’s no telling how fucked up the Gulf Coast is gonna get because of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. Pretty fucked up I imagine. The lives of thousands of people are going to be affected for decades to come. Pisses me off, it does. So last night I’m talkin’ to one of my tighty-righty friends and he says…and I quote, “Accidents happen. Whadda you gonna do?” That got me thinking. The oil industry sludges us a major quagmire of filth, is gonna stick the American taxpayer with the bill and will probably only get a slap on the wrist. Meanwhile, tinfoil hat wearin’ loonies scream “Drill baby drill” and lament about accidents happening. My take? WTF would people be saying if this was the airline industry? Just askin’.

Hello Captain Obvious! Yesterday U.S. Drug Czar Gil Kerlikowske said that we’re pretty much gettin’ fusticated in the “War on Drugs.” No shit, Einstein. We’ve wasted trillions of dollars, thousands of lives and incarcerated millions of people and we’re still losing the war. Aye caramba! Doesn’t come as any surprise to me. The United States of America, Inc. hasn’t won a war since 1945. Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, the war on drugs, the war on obesity, the war on poverty, the war against obesity, the war on terror. Yeah, America used to be the greatest country in the world. Key phrase there…”used to be.”

And finally…the ACLU is filing suit against cops in Pennsylvania because the cops are handing out tickets for…wait for it…wait for it…they’re handing out tickets for SWEARING! What The Fuck is wrong with that picture? This is the kind of Puritanical bullshit that really pisses me off. Who’s to say what a cussword is? In the old days, “damn” was considered a cussword and it was banned from television. Nowadays, you hear “damn” all over the tube. Heck-fire, while watching the Westminster Kennel Club dog show last year, I kept hearing the announcer using the word “bitch.” So, is it the word? Is it the context? What about foreign cusswords? MERDE! This is just another example of our slippery slide into fascism. Damn…I thought we were over that when Chimp-Dick left office. Guess not. One big shout out to Pennsylvania. FUDGE YOU! That'll teach 'em!

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Cute and Fuzzy Bunnies

Elena Kagen’s nomination to the SCOTUS got me thinking. WTH are all the high-profile progressive women in the USo’A, Inc….ummm….ummm…homely? Smart… but homely. For every Deborah Wasserman-Schultz, you have five Janet Renos or Janet Napolitanos, ten Hillary Clintons and a hundred Madeleine Albrights. On the other hand, the tighty-righties go for all looks/no brains. Sue Lowden…smokin’ hot…thinks you can pay for your boob job with poultry. VPILF and half-governor Caribou Barbie? She can see Russia from her house but she can’t see the oil that’s spilled all over Prince William Sound. Dumb as a bag of licorice, bang her in a heartbeat.

I guess the crux of today’s biscuit is this: You can either vote for substance or you can vote for style. Me? I’m a substance kind of guy. So, congratulations Ms. Kagen…Roseanne must be very proud!

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OMG

Pray Day

In case you didn’t know, every year since 1952, the President of the United States of America, Inc. has declared May 6th National Prayer Day. Worst. Idea. Ever.

“If the Gods listened to the prayers of men, all humankind would quickly perish for they constantly pray for many evils to befall one another.” – Epicurus, Greek philosopher, BC 341-270

Love me some Greek philosophy. And EZ-E has a point there.

Think about it. If the Invisible Man in the Sky REALLY answered prayers, Catholic priests could still have NAMBLA sex and no one would know about it, Sarah Palin would be President and every team would win the Super Bowl every year. Not. Gonna. Happen.

C’mon…deep down, everyone knows prayer is about as effective as voodoo. Still, the politicians give it a rusty trombone every year on this day. Today Barry-O said, “I call upon the citizens of our Nation to pray, or otherwise give thanks, in accordance with their own faiths and consciences, for our many freedoms and blessings…” Really?

Do you think B-Rock really wants Satanists to conjure up Beelzebub or Animists to give a shout out to the paving stones in their back yard? No. C’mon America, it’s the 21st Century. As long as we, as a country, wallow in these primitive, tribal, bass-ackward, rituals, we’re never gonna get our problems solved. But if we got rid of National Prayer Day, we’d be solving one problem. True story.

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Boy oh Boy

Wow, the US Army sure has it bad lately. Not just ‘cause Chimp Dick sent ‘em and Barry-O is keepin’ ‘em in the “unwinnable suck,” but because they’re having a hard time recruiting soldiers. You see, a few years back, to stock up bodies for Afghanistan and Iraq, the Army had to loosen its standards for lettin’ people in. They let in felons, and dope fiends…hell, they let everyone in but the gays. Anyway, now the “Be All That You Can Be” crowd is losing recruits ‘cause American teens are too fat. Aye caramba! You mean you can’t slim down the doughboys and girls with a little boot camp ass-whoopin? Guess not.

Some say the problem lies with parents who find it easier to babysit little Billy with a Twinkie and television rather than real parenting. Some are calling on manufacturers to cut the amount of salt in processed foods. Hmmm…you don’t hear the Teabaggers moanin’ about THAT government overreach, do you? But I’m not pointing the finger in that direction. No, I put the blame for America’s flabby kids square on the shoulders of…the Boy Scouts.

That’s right, the Boy Scouts of America are responsible for the fattening of our youth. How do I know? Last week the BSA announced they were awarding a new merit badge for…get this…video games. Aye caramba! Once the bastion of everything outdoors – from whittling and fire making to killing a bear with dental floss, the Boy Scouts now award kids for sitting on their asses. What’s next, a merit badge for television trivia?

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