Tuesday, February 26, 2008

In God We....

It never ceases to amaze us when people bloviate about the USofA being a Christian nation. Yeah right. There isn’t anything Christian about us. Turn the other cheek? No. Love thy neighbor? Hardly. Do unto others? Laughable. We could list examples ‘til our two typing fingers fell off but we’ll just go with the big ten.

1. Thou shalt not worship other Gods. We don’t worship other gods. We worship singers, actors, athletes and millionaires.

2. Thou shalt not make false idols. Ummm…you mean like American Idol?

3. Thou shalt not us the Lord’s name in vain. So that sends straight to hell anyone named Jesus, the guy who wrote Lord of the Flies and that guy from Hawaii Five-0.

4. Thou shalt keep the Sabbath Day holy. Take a look at a sportsbook, corner bar or living room on any given Sunday. Unless God drives a stock car or hauls the pigskin, we’re 0-4.

5. Honor thy father and mother. You’ve gotta earn respect. Just ‘cause you popped out a little one doesn’t mean a thing. Look at all the BSC parents we’ve seen lately. SHEESH!

6. Thou shalt not kill. So…anyone who supports or supported the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan will be doin’ the backstroke with Beelzebub for eternity. Nice.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. C’mon… Adultery is as American as apple pie…’ceptin’ it’s cherry. From Thomas Jefferson to William Jefferson, Americans like their forbidden fruit. Besides, without adultery we’d never have the classic line, “You are NOT the father!”

8. Thou shalt not steal. Well, Halliburton, KBR and those Enron assholes are toast. But then again…so is everyone who’s taken home a paper clip from work. YOUCH!

9. Thou shalt not lie. “Yes honey, that dress DOES make your butt look fat.” You wanna deal with the fallout from that or burn in hell? We pick burnin’.

10. Thou shalt not covet. People who don’t covet are un-motivated, lazy, slackers. Coveting things makes us over-work and over-stress our lives so we can have all those useless toys our neighbors have. As GC famously said, "Coveting is what makes the economy work."

So, you see…if the USofA is a Christian nation, we’re all gonna burn ‘til the end of time. If we’re not a Christian nation…we’ll be just fine.


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