Wednesday, May 14, 2008

E.T Phone God

Just a couple of thoughts from the non-believers here at PTB.

Great news out of the Vatican today. The Catholic Church’s official astronomer says that it’s O.K. to believe in extraterrestrial life. Now we know what you’re saying, “The Catholic Church has an official astronomer?” Yup. The robe-wearin’ motherhubbards that excommunicated Galileo for ‘splainin’ the earth revolves around the sun now says if you believe in li’l green peoples, you can believe in the Invisible Man In The Sky too. It kinda all goes hand-in-hand though, doncha think? In all the years humans have been on Mother Earth, no one has seen an alien. Same with the Big Guy Upstairs. As long as we’ve been roamin’ the planet there hasn’t been one shred of proof that anyone is up there. That is, unless you believe the guy who translated his visions of God out of a hat. But we digress.

All that said, we have a couple of questions about this whole Catholics and aliens business.

If an alien has eight arms, what would his rosary look like?

The Fourth (or Fifth) Commandment says “Honor thy father and thy mother.” What if the aliens reproduce through mitosis?

Are aliens forbidden to eat meat on Fridays or to work on Sundays?

If the aliens don’t have mouths, where do you put the communion wafer?

If the aliens love the heat like Vulcans, does that mean Vulcan hell is filled with ice and snow instead of fire and brimstone?

Do you think aliens have crosses hangin’ in the rear view or have Jzeus bobbleheads on the dashboards of their hoopty wagons?

Do the aliens have to root for the Notre Dame football team?

And lastly, what if the aliens are Jewish?

We guess the convergence of the Catholic God and E.T. had to happen eventually…we can only hope the aliens are intelligent enough to see through all the bullshit.

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