Tuesday, January 27, 2009

From the Bottom of the Mind Shaft

In the RGJ the other day, an LTE from Betty Cummings asked the question “Where is all the press coverage on the disappearance of 14-year-old Shermela Washington?” Good question. We’ve got some bad news for ya Betty…unless you’re a pretty, young Caucasian female, you’ve got no chance at pub here in the 775. After all, this is Cracker Town. Sad but true.

A recent study found that frequent masturbation by twenty-somethings increases their risk of prostate cancer. This is the kind of thing that gives science a bad name. If this study is true, then 95% of American teenaged males will develop prostate cancer within the next three weeks.

Here’s an example of why religious zealots make us wanna hurl: The Reverend Ted Haggard is back in the news. You remember Reverend Teddy Bear…last year he confessed to "sexual immorality" and resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals and pastor of New Life Church. Now Ted-In-Bed says the relationship he had with the male church member was “inappropriate but not physical.” What, gay sex is O.K. as long as you’re not touching? The crux of this biscuit is simple…we don’t think there’s anything wrong with sex between two consenting adults – gay or straight. The turds in the punch bowl are people like Ted Haggard who spew vile rhetoric about the “evils of homosexuality” while at the very same time, they’re grabbing their ankles, lubing up their pooty holes and sexing it up like they were the Village People. Hey Ted, you’re a hypocrite…and if we know it, surely your God does too!

Finally…last week a 14-year-old kid in Chicago fooled the cops into thinking he was an actual police officer. The kid had a uniform on and even went on patrol for a couple of hours. Aye Caramba! WTF were the Chi-Town fuzz thinkin’? Their excuse? “He looks a lot older than fourteen.” Think about it…if a prepubescent, snot-nosed kid can fool the cops into thinking he was one of the boys in blue…whadda ya think the REALLY bad guys are gonna be able to get away with? People of the Windy City…run for your lives…while you still can.

No comments: