SPANK!

With the ‘Bamer layin’ a beatdown in the Palmetto State…ya gotta give props. Who’d ever thought a brown-skinded brother could win in the 864?

As they say…a change is gonna come.

Who wants to bet money that chimp-dick spouts the same old broken record of tired rhetoric out of his lie-hole tonight in the SOU…anyone?

Karl? (8.-)

Lyin'-Ass Bitches

Everybody knows that Slick Willie lied about a hummer. The cost to Americans – more than ten million dollars.


A less tangible but more devastating cost to America was the time, effort and resources wasted on digging up blue dresses, splooge stains and other dirt rather than concentrating on the economy, education, healthcare or being on the lookout for the bad guys. The result? 9/11. Thank you Republican Congress.


But it all pales in comparison to the lies told by Chimp-Dick and his traitorous cronies. Why?


The lies perpetrated by the Bush-Wipes have cost a boatload of money. But, as one of the brothers always said, “If you can throw money at a problem, then it isn’t really a problem.”


No, the most devastating cost to America is the loss of international respect, the loss of civil liberties and most of all the loss of heroic American soldiers who died fighting for lies, lies and more damned lies.


If one lie gets Congress’ panties all in a bunch, this latest revelation should have them all skidmarking their power ties. The time to impeach these un-American, traitorous, lying, sonofabitches is NOW!


As for you Mr. pResident -- we’d better not catch you here in the 775…we’ll drag you off by the ear and give you a broomstick enema or as we like to call it, the "Rudy in your Booty."


(8.-)

Ron Paul, Ringo & George

Even though he looks like he gets residuals from “Cheers”…we knew “With” Romney would spanka-spanka in the 775’s Republican caucus. Hell, the Silver State is home to more LDS’ers than any other state in the union ‘ceptin’ the Beehive State.


But our hearts warmed when we saw the final tally for Ron Paul. He not only placed second in the 775’s Republican caucus, he got MORE votes than Hil, the Bamer, EasyE and every other candidate from either side of the aisle. Simply. Amazing. You know, our rule is "never trust a man with two first names" but we like Ron Paul. RoPa is so crazy he makes Jack Torrance look like Stephen Hawking. But we like that about him. Anything to scare skidmarks into the pants of the bourgie motherhubbards is just fine by us.



Typical Nevada. We don’t conform. We like it wild. To celebrate…a haiku:


Ron Paul is the man
In the seven-seven-five
Change is a-comin’


(8.-)

Putting the "Us" Back In Caucus

We'll admit it...we're civics geeks. While all the other kids were out riding their Big Wheels or stuck like Velcro to the couch, watching reruns of Gilligan’s Island…we were in our bedroom hand-painting Ross Perot campaign signs. So, tomorrow is the Nevada caucus and we're stoked! That being said…here is our short take on the relevant candidates. One quick note…ANYONE will be better than WPE.




Hillary Clinton – Who’ll SHE bang in the Lincoln Bedroom? America’s version of Maggie Thatcher. If she were a man, they’d call her tough. She’s a woman so they call her a bitch. No double standard there.




John Edwards – Corporate lawyer sleezeball turned anti-corporate zealot – EazyE sleeps with the fishes…or the dogs. Could win due to his metrosexuality and his smooth southern twang. Americans vote with their little heads…not their big ones.




Barack Obama – If he doesn’t get BobbyK’d, he’ll certainly get an Oswald. But there’s nothing that scares the bejeezus out of the establishment more than a brown-skinded brother. The change candidate is gonna get short-changed ‘cause there’s no way the racists and the war-mongers and conformists are gonna let a brother win.




Mitt Romney – He’s a second generation politician – smoother than a baby’s bottom. But swift-boating a Mormon is easier than poppin’ an under-funded infidel with an IED. Looks a lot like a skeevy Ted Danson.




Mike Huckabee – By declaring that the Constitution should be remade in the image of God and that Evolution is a “theory”…he needs a good nail gun accident. He forgets that the Invisible Man Up In The Sky only cares about athletes, actors and “Tel-evan-fraud-ulists.”




John McCain – War. What is it good for? You can take the dog out of the fight but you can’t take the fight out of the dog and this dog is just itchin’ for a fight. “Iran called us what?” If you have stock in Halliburton, Blackwater, Boeing or the guys that are building the immigration wall…he’s your man.




Fred Thompson – The last bad actor to run for president ran against Peanut Head, gave us the Iran/Contra scandal and trickle-down economics. What is it that makes people think a B-list actor is qualified to be the leader of the free world?




Rudi Giuliani – screwed up 9/11…Now he wants to screw things up nationally. He was in charge of the NY during “Broom Handle In The Butt-Gate”. More spouses than Zsa Zsa Gabor. Rudy makes Slick Willie look like a Shaolin Monk.




Ron Paul – This is the one cracker that scares the bejeezus out of the establishment. He’s the shiny pink version of Obama. But his views on drugs are closer to Rastafarian than republican. Not. A. Chance. In. Hell.










(8.-)

No. No. No. No. I Don't Drink It No More...

Yesterday was the 88th anniversary of prohibition. That means today is the 88th anniversary of our great-great grandpa Rufus' stint in the state hoosegow.


Prohibition, like other forms of repression, was a dismal failure. The reason is simple…when you tell people they can’t do something…they do it anyway -- ever try to tell a teenager to save sex 'til marriage?



The problem is, alcohol isn’t the problem.


Alcohol didn't make you beat your wife...


alcohol didn't make you wrap your hoopty wagon around a light pole...


and alcohol didn't make you flunk out of school.


No, the crux of this biscuit is that people need to take personal responsibility for their own actions. Don't blame the Devil weed...don't blame the 'shrooms or the fry or the 'shine. If you need someone to blame, take a long, hard look in the mirror.


BTW…supporters of Prohibition included John D. Rockefeller, Jr, the LDS Church, the Ku Klux Klan and Sheriff Buford T. Justice.


Siding against Prohibition...German Lutherans, the Catholic Church and Al Capone.


(8.-)

Why College Sports Suck

It was a chicken shit move when it happened. A coach…full of piss and vinegar…took over a team that made the Chico’s Bail Bonds guys look like the 1927 Yankees. She was an ass-kickin’, fire-breathin’, straight-talkin’ adrenaline buzz in Silver and Blue. She was a big-time coach with a prime time resume. She remade a team of losers into winners…into champions.


Then, three days before the season opener, the coach got “Shottenheimered” and just like that, the best team on campus went from the top of the hill to the bottom of the barrel.


The excuse was even more pathetic…right out of the A.D.’s lie hole: ”We did this for the good of the team.” Yeah right. Firing a future hall-of-fame coach three days before the start of the season is the Worst. Move. Ever. But we finally came to know the real reason…the coach was a whistleblower.


When a coach shows that kind of honesty, integrity and loyalty you’d think the university would be grateful. After all, honesty and integrity and loyalty are three traits that rarely surface in major college sports. It wasn’t to be. Instead of naming a building after her, she got the bum’s rush. A lawsuit followed but it wasn’t for the money. No. Coach wanted her rep back. Coach wanted her job back. Coach wanted her team back. That’s all.


Yesterday, Nevada hired coach’s replacement. He seems like a nice guy…but we all know what happens to those types. He coached a tiny program in a no-name conference…he played at a school even smaller…his record is as mediocre as cold McDonalds fries…and he’s the choice. WTF?!


As for coach…we’ve seen her documents. She’ll win her case but she won’t get her job back and she won’t get her team back. Her rep will recover and she’ll get another gig. Winners always do.


Nevada athletics will never be the same though. The athletic department sold their collective souls to cover up their own crapulence. The A.D.’s ineptitude will stench the halls on campus as long as she’s making the calls and Wolf Pack athletes and coaches now know that being a winner, being a leader, having morals and standards take a back seat to the shitty side of college sports.


(8.-)

No End In Sight

Two of America’s bravest…


Two of Nevada’s finest…


Dead for no good reason.


The terrorists aren’t in Iraq or Afghanistan. Those two countries had nothing to do with 9/11. No, the terrorists are raised in Egypt, financed in Saudi Arabia and trained in Pakistan, three of our closest, bestest allies in the region.


Meanwhile the Pretender-In-Chief visits the Middle East in an effort to promote peace between Palestinians and Israelis. You’d think the WPE would be trying to get American asses out of the suck before sticking his two cents in where it doesn’t belong.


Alas, the Bush-wipes have no intention of ending this war. They make too much money from it.


We want our soldiers home. We want our country back. And we demand the perpetrators of this clusterfuck brought to justice. If Congress can impeach slick Willie for an Oval Office hummer, then the warmongers in the Bush Administration should all be sent to Gitmo and be given the electro-testicle treatment. They deserve it for getting us into this mess.


As for the hate-filled, warmongering, right-wing Bush-wipes here in the 775...don't let us catch you alone in a dark alley...we'll go Lynndie England on your sorry-asses!


(8.-)

Top O' The World Ma!

Here at PTB, we always wanted to be world famous adventurers. Then we found out you needed heart, skill, brains, money and intestinal fortitude. We’ve been living in mom & dad’s basement ever since.


That’s why the passing of Sir Edmund Hillary has us so bummed. Check it…


Back when Big Ed and his sherpa Tenzing Norgay climed the biggest, baddest most dangerous lump on the planet, he did it without modern equipment. No GPS units…no gore-tex...no Starbucks lattes. It’s the equivalent of winning the Indy 500 in a Yugo. Simply. Amazing.


So today we salute Sir Edmund Hillary and his monster-sized cojones. If there were more people like him in the world…things would be a lot more adventurous.

(8.-)

Insane in the Membrane

Sometimes we wonder WTF the people are thinking. Insane Clown Posse is a group of heavy metal rappers. It’s not the kind of stuff the blue hairs (with their blue license plates) like to listen to. As a matter of fact, ICP’s music is EXACTLY what you’d play if you wanted to cheese-off anyone over the age of, say 30.


But every generation had their own music to scare skidmarks into the adult population. Remember the devil’s Jazz music back in the ‘20’s?

How ‘bout Elvis & his pelvis in the ‘50’s?

The Beatles anyone?

Remember the 70’s when THESE guys were scary?


Here at PTB we believe that music is a lot like ice cream. Chocolate, vanilla and strawberry are o.k. but every once in a while we crave a spinach, onion skin and broccoli sorbet. That’s what ICP would be if they were a sorbet. But it’s just music.


Well, here we go again. It seems that the RenoPoPo have labeled ICP, their music and their artwork…get this…gang affiliated! Say it ain’t so! Gang-bangers listen to Heavy metal rap music? No wonder they run when we crank up our Hawkshaw Hawkins tunes!


ANYWAY…up steps Meadowood Mall security. They’re enforcing a new rule that states you cannot wear ICP attire inside the mall. If you do…you’ll get the bum’s rush.


WTF are these people thinking? Someone from Meadowood suggested that ICP garb is “intimidating.” Thanks Captain Obvious. What’s next? Banning halter tops and short skirts ‘cause some geeky nerds are intimidated by girl-flesh?

What about banning cowboy hats and boots if some PETA-wipe is intimidated by the sight of a dogie-puncher?

How ‘bout banning McQueen football players from wearing their letter jackets ‘cause it scares the bejeezus out of the rest of the 775’s 4A high school footballers?


The crux of our biscuit is simple…maybe as simple as the minds who thought up this ludicrous policy. If you’re intimidated by the clothes someone is wearing…you’d be better off moving to China or North Korea where they all wear the same drab, boring shit. If you’re intimidated by a heavy metal rap group…just wait a few years. The next generation’s gonna have their own kids and their “Elvis” is gonna be even scarier!





(8.-)

We Think You're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat

It could be the pussification of America or it could be that WPE has us all squeezing our sphincters over the bad guys. Either way…this proves our point.


It seems a couple of Persians in motorized dinghy’s made the U.S. Navy brown their collective bellbottoms over the weekend. They were zippin’ ‘round three of our warships like they were drivin’ at Talladega. They were armed with a couple of slingshots, a pea shooter and a bull horn…and we were shakin’ like a hound dog passin’ a peach pit.


Now…it’s called the Persian Gulf for a reason and we’ve been parked off the coast of Iran for the better part of five years. It’s chimp-dick’s way of showin’ the size of his huevos.


But think of it this way. If the Iranian Navy rolled up to the Golden Gate and started maneuvers or war games, we’d be a little paranoid too. Hell, we’d probably shank ‘em all within an hour.


Problem is, our soldiers and sailors and marines are out in the middle of the suck fighting the wrong guys for the wrong reasons.


When they tell you they love America and they support our troops…they’re lying!



(8.-)

Attack of the Cute and Fuzzy Bunnies

Fernley is so cold and wet, it makes Nome look like Miami Beach.


There was so much H2O down there that the Nevada National Guard activated its Jacques Cousteau Brigade.


But there’s something that disturbs us about all this. If the Government-Cheese can’t protect us from gophers…how the hell are they gonna protect us against Al Qaeda? It seems that while the county commissioners are padding their pockets with new development…they’re turning a blind eye to the needs of the infrastructure. In other words, they’re turning their backs on the citizens they're supposed to protect.


(8.-)

Whitey Said What?

Unbelievable. A brown-skinned brother wins in Iowa. Iowa is so white it makes Nevada look like Mississippi. Then again…the ‘Bama is so white he makes Hillary Clinton look like Tina Turner.


Now everyone says the ‘Bama’s got a target on his back ‘cause he’s the new front-runner. That’s not the real reason though…while most of us live here in the 21st century; there are BSC freaks out there who don’t think a man of color (or a woman of ANYTHING) should be president of these here United States.


We hate goin’ all Kreskin on it, but we will. The better Hil and the Bamer do, the more likely either one (or both) will get BobbyK’d before the general election. We hope we’re wrong...


But may the Invisible Man in the Sky help us if we’re right.




(8.-)

Snow Place Like Home

Snow is king here in the 775. We’ve got world-class skiing, world-class boarding and the most beautiful mountain lake in the world. It’s the time of year when we can tell ‘Vegas to kiss our collective pink asses.


Winter frolicking aside, the WX is gonna get nasty here in the next few so grab a hot cup o’ somethin’…snuggle with your honey and stay indoors. It looks like it’s gonna be a three dog weekend. And if you’ve gotta go outside, be careful. Every time it snows (or rains) in the 775, the city council and county commission approves a new housing development or major casino.



(8.-)

Thanks Mom!

In light of Benazir Bhutto getting waxed we here at PTB have a question…who wins? Actually, it’s a rhetorical question ‘cause we already know the answer(s).


The Terrorists…One high-profile offing a year and these BSC freaks make the front page. They’re like the streaker at a football game. Back in the day, networks would show the crazies running on to the field. When copycats sprung up all over the place, networks stopped showing the offenders and the practice all but stopped. The terrorists know that one big bang and they’re front page news again.


Pervez Musharraf…The Perv got a huge break. With no real opposition leader to challenge his hand-picked successor, it’ll be business as usual for the little dictator. Business you say? Since 9/11 Pakistan has received more than FIFTY BILLION dollars from the U.S. to fight terrorists. How are they doing? Well OBL is still on the lamb, bad guys routinely get into Afghanistan through Pakistan’s porous borders and democracy in the country has all but been dismantled. Nice friends huh?


The Republican Party…The party of fear, the party of hate, the party of war. Yup, the right-wing was creamin’ their proverbial jeans when they heard the news. Why? Think about it. Every time something blows up, the ‘publicans hit the panic button. “BOOGIEBOOGIEBOOGIE…The bad guys are coming for us next… BOOGIEBOOGIEBOOGIE!!!” If the American people weren’t such pussies, that crap wouldn’t work. Alas, it works WAY too well.


War Profiteers…Halliburton, KBR and the rest of their ilk didn’t see or hear explosions. They saw dollar signs and heard the Cha-CHING of coinage hitting their collective pockets. You can’t sell the government-cheese hundreds of new Humvees ‘til the old ones get blown up, you can’t push through illegal surveillance systems unless Congress wimps out but you CAN rape and pillage and murder just as long as the crimes are perped on alleged terrorists.



Who Loses?

Freedom-loving Pakistanis and Americans. Remember…the government has to curb your civil-liberties to give the illusion it’s doing something about the problem. In doing so…they just make the problem worse.


The biggest loser by far though, is Bilawal Bhutto, Benazir’s son. He’s been tapped to take his mom’s place leading the Pakistan People’s Party. YIKES! You’d think he’d rather have inherited money or something. "My mother always said democracy is the best revenge," he is quoted as saying. Ummmm...not in your neck of the woods sonny. According to your country’s recent (and not so recent) history…revenge is a four letter word…BOOM!


(8.-)

Another One Bites The Dust

We love the girls here at PTB. We're of the opinion that if more of them were movers and shakers, we wouldn't be in the shit-storm we're in.


Now comes the news that Benazir Bhutto of Pakistan got capped today. Isn't it funny how the good get got early and the asses just keep getting bigger?



Well...here's to you B.B. May your 72 virgins keep you happy and may the perps of this heinousity rot in their own special hell.



Bhutto was our hope.

Islam…religion of peace?

Not if you’re a girl.


@:
:@

The Day After...

For those of you, like us, having to go back to work today...we've got a special treat. Consider it a belated Christmas present.

It's a game. Everyone likes games...right? Well...here it is. Undoubtedly, you've used the search engine Google to look up all sorts of minutae. Heck, you might have even Googled yourself (just to see what was out there). This game is called "Google Lowball." The object of the game is to Google two words (no proper names) to see how few search results you get.

Example: Alabaster Porcupine got 13,100 hits...Sinister Vacuum got 168,000...Hell, Intelligent Bush got 1,860 hits...SHEESH! We haven't found too many searches with fewer than a thousand hits...if you do, consider yourself lucky. If you don't, no worries...you've got lots of time in the next few days to practice.

Good luck!

(8.-)

Happy B-Day JayZoos!

The Sound of Music

If there has ever been a bigger traveshamockery in the history of music, we've never heard of it. Last week the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame announced its newest inductees. On the list: Madonna, John Mellencamp, the Ventures and the Dave Clark Five. WTF is THAT all about?

Madonna is a pop singer...no different than Bobby Sherman or Keith Partridge or the Banana Splits.

Every song "JCougarM" ever did sounds EXACTLY like every other song he's ever done.

The Ventures? One hit...the theme from Hawaii Five-O. Hell, they didn't even have a vocalist!!! The Dave Clark Five? They've got a couple of good songs...but there's no way they're Hall-worthy.

Which brings us to the crux of this biscuit...why is the Hall dissing Rush? Rush has been awarded several Juno Awards and was inducted into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame in 1994. Over the course of their thirty plus year career, the individual members of Rush have been recognized as some of the most proficient players on their respective instruments with each member winning several awards in magazine readers' polls. As a whole, Rush boasts 24 gold records and 14 platinum (3 multi-platinum) records. These statistics place Rush fifth behind The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Kiss and Aerosmith for the most consecutive gold and platinum albums by a rock band. If those stats don't get you in...who do you have to blow?!?

So, to R&RHoF President Joel Peresman...if you ain't got Rush in your Hall...it's just an empty building.

Sun-kissed

Every year BSC's from all over the world flock to the Black Rock Desert for a little somethin' they call "Burning Man."


And every year, the negative nellies decry the drugs, the debauchery and the dirty dancin' perpetrated by those heathens.


Not any more.


Black Rock Solar…a Burning Man-supported non-profit, has installed a 90-kilowatt array in Gerlach that should provide as much as $20,000 a year in free power to the elementary, junior high and high schools.


How much did Black Rock Solar charge Gerlach? Not. One. Penny. They did the same thing a while back for the hospital in Lovelock. FREE.


Say what you will of the Burning Man crowd…just don’t say they never gave you anything. That is, unless that burning, itching, scabby rash is still infesting your nether-regions. We TOLD you to use protection!


@:
:@

Bowling For Dollars

In the heady days of yester-yore, Nevada football was king. Saturday afternoons filled with beer and girls and W’s. Late autumn cornucopias filled with conference championships, playoff intensity and more beer. The “Biggest Little City” boasted the bestest little football team in the country and kicked some 1-AA buttocks.





Then the “Little General” got a swollen ego and decided to play with the big boys. Gone were the championships, gone were the playoffs, gone were the W’s…replaced only by a budget that resembles the GDP of a medium-sized South American country and bottom-of-the-barrel bowl games. The Las Vegas Bowl? The Hawaii Bowl? The MPC Bowl? The New Mexico Bowl? SHEESH!





With all that money spent improving athletic facilities, you’d think the Wolf Pack could replicate the successes of rivals like Fresno State, Hawaii and Boise State. Not so. While the big three of the WACked Conference regularly party at upper-tier bowls, Nevada's Wolf Pack brings new meaning to the term "mediocrity." We'd rather be big fishes in a small pond rather than sleeping with the fishes in the big one.





(8.-)

It's Like Finding A Needle In An Ass Crack

Well the Mitchell Report is out and so are eighty-something rat bastards. We’ve said it before here at PTB…we’re not against drugs…


We’re against hypocrisy.


We’re against cheaters.


We’re against liars.


The really sad part about this clusterfuck is that the Mitchell Report only investigated steroid related stuff…not amphetamines. Athletes in all sports pop dexies and cross tops and rippers like they were M&M’s and no one gives a shit.


But if you have the ganja in your system…you get busted. Think a rasta buzz is “performance enhancing?” No. Think those in charge care? No again.


(8.-)

Don't Touch That Dial!

Here at PTB sport is an important part of our lives. We're of the thought that if countries could sort out their differences on the fields of play rather than the fields of battle, we'd all be better off. Yeah...yeah...we know we're naive but we'd pay big bucks to see the Bush-Wipe fight Ahmadinejad in a no-holds-barred cage match. Wouldn't THAT be fun?

That being said...we're gonna put war and politics and famine and death and gay republicans and the deficit and chimp-dick and the invisible man in the sky on hold for a couple of posts and turn our attention to the wonderful world of sports.

PLAY BALL!

(8.-)

Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition

A couple of questions about the BSC Colorado church shooter…

How bad do you have to fuck up to get kicked out of missionary school?

Was the dude secretly a Muslim?

Did he make fun of the Pope’s shoes?

Did he vote for a Democrat?

We thought the God-squad was all about loving thy neighbor and doing unto others and turning the other cheek.

Guess not.

WTF kind of churches employ ARMED FRIGGIN’ GUARDS?!? Is the collection plate that full on Sundays or maybe y’all fear retribution from someone who got molested/ripped-off or otherwise screwed by the church?

Then there’s THIS total piece of crap. It says that if your parents are religious, you’ll likely be a well-adjusted, well-behaved kid. Check it...BSC was homeschooled by devoutly religious parents.

Jesus must be spinning in his grave.

(8.-)

Weird Science

A Christian biologist is suing the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution in Massachusetts, claiming he was fired because he would not accept evolution as scientific fact.

Question: WTF university did this doofus graduate from?

He said this condition was never spelled out in the ad for the job and that his canning led to severe economic losses, an injured reputation, emotional pain and suffering and mental anguish.

Check it Natty...a scientist that doesn't believe in evolution HAS no reputation to injure...your emotional pain and suffering can be treated by a little chat with the invisible man in the sky...and by not believing in evolution, your mental anguish is as miniscule as your brain!

As far as economic losses are concerned...no worries...Natty got a job teaching biology at Liberty University, the school founded by the Rev. Jerry Falwell.

If that doesn't say it all...nothing does!

@:
:@

War is Hell...Just Ask A Veteran

“War…” a man once asked rhetorically.

“What is it good for?”

“Absolutely nothing.” he said, correctly answering his own question.

2,333 souls perished and 1,139 were wounded at Pearl Harbor 66 years ago, sparking America's entrance into WWII.


Today, the Japanese and the Germans and the Italians are some of our closest, bestest friends in the whole wide-world!


Let us all hope it won't take 66 years to win the hearts and minds of our Muslim brothers and sisters.


Chimp Dick likes to say that he's a "War President." We take that to mean he's a "President that's good for NOTHING!"


(8.-)